Acted like a total AFC- can it be fixed?

[h_amati]

I'm 40, divorced with no kids and dating a 39 y.o. divorced woman with no kids. She was super interested and told me she wanted me to stop seeing other women and pressured me by saying there was this guy who wanted to take her out, but she wouldn’t talk to him if we dated exclusively. First time we had sex, she was drunk and provided condoms and lube (they were inside a zippered pouch by the nightstand – seemed like she kept a kit for having sex – red flag?). Another time she passed out drunk at a party with me and had to carry her home, I told her I couldn’t deal with that and that it would be the first and last time I’d stand for it. She hasn’t been drunk since.
Otherwise we’ve hit it off pretty well, but our insecurities (I was cheated on by my ex-wife and she was cheated on by a boyfriend after divorcing) have made it difficult for both of us. I have met her family and friends and they all like me a lot.

She is going to this college reunion on Friday by herself (everybody is going by themselves and I believe her), what bothers me is she is a little too excited about going and didn’t want to talk very much about it. When I asked what her plan was, she said that maybe she would just eat and leave or that maybe she would go out to party with her friends. It is in a restaurant at 2 PM and should finish around 9 PM. I said I didn’t like the idea, but she should go out with her friends anyway.

She then called and said that we should “negotiate” because our relationship is her priority, I told her it wasn’t my reunion and that it wasn’t my problem to fix.

Called her at night and things started OK (she didn’t want to talk about Friday), but things got quickly out of hand. She accused me of not trusting her and that I don’t consider everything she does for me, that she loves me and is very afraid to lose me, but she’s desperate that I don’t trust that she loves me and is getting tired. She proceeded to complain about something I said about her nose not being very nice and me comparing her to and ex girlfriend that is not a partier (not true…I just dated a sporty girl briefly)

I just said to her, I’m 40 and I don’t want to deal with having a gf who likes to party and gets drunk. I don’t like partying and if given the chance I would rather stay with you than going out with my friends. I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t deal with you being so excited about partying. She got mad and texted this morning that she hopes my fear fades because it can debilitate our relationship.

She’s p’od and is acting less affectionate than normal, I told her I regret what I said because I spoke out of fear of being cheated on again.

How can I fix this and seem less of an AFC?. I’m thinking about telling her that she should go to her reunion and not worry about me, that she can go partying with her friends if she wants to and shut my mouth. I’ll gauge her reaction then and see if she does go out with her friends.

What do you think?

 

[apprenticedj]

You're a grown man so by all means do what you believe is best but IMO backing down and begrudgingly supporting her partying will only serve to make you MORE AFC.

Here's my take: you aren't a party guy, you don't want a party girl and you've clearly stated this to her. If you bend now she'll clearly control the frame of the relationship. The next time she doesn't get what she wants she'll throw a fit and withhold her affection as she's doing now.

Maybe I'm an extremist but I see only one course of action here:

A PRE-EMPTIVE BREAK-UP!

Sit her down and tell her it's just not working. You both want two different lifestyles and at this point in your life you know what works for you. Don't ramble on for an hour or let her "explain" herself. Just do it quickly and sternly. Tell her you've enjoyed the time you spent together, wish her the best and then walk away.

Stand back and watch her hamster spin off the tracks.

 

[beatjunkie]

^ this

 

[jurry]

You're both middle aged and divorced, what possible reason could you have for jealousy? You want to get married again?? Be cool, let her do what she wants, and go do your thing, meet new women. Enjoy the time you guys have with each other, dont go trying to change someone into what you want them to be. I've never understood jealousy and trying to control each other, if you're that insecure about a girl going out with her friends and that she'd meet someone new that easily, you've got bigger issues to deal with.

 

[goldengoose]

My question to you is, why would you want to fix anything with her?

This woman is too old to be getting drunk like this. You already saw her reaction when you told her your stance. She turned rude and became less affectionate towards you. She isn't going to change. If you continue on with her you will have to put up with her drunkeness all the time. Is that what you really want? She is also manipulating you into getting her way. She feels if she turns cold that you will crumble and shut up about it.

Never compromise your own beliefs and what you expect from a woman by letting its slide. She will walk all over your taking advatange of your softness. If you have a strong belief and expect a certain behavior from a woman that is what it should be. If she doesn't hold up to what you expect then get rid of her because she doesn't respect you.

I just said to her, I’m 40 and I don’t want to deal with having a gf who likes to party and gets drunk.

This is you stance. If she isn't holding up to your expectations then get rid of her. She has no plans of changing. She is taking it out on you trying to manipulate you.

You're 40, you don't need that in your life. At least get a 22 year old if you want to deal with a drunken chick.

 

[h_amati]

I know I won't be able to fix this woman, she will do what ever she wants and she will get drunk again.

What I want fixed is that I acted like an AFC. Out of the blue she threw a sh!t test that I clearly did not know how to handle, she turned the tables on me. I feel frustrated because she is good company for now.

 

[Thorninmyside]

I'm 40 and divorced, just had a 23 year old girlfriend, now with a 30 y.o. As my main girl, neither party or pass out. She's trying to recapture a misspent youth and she wants you to play along. There are girls more suited to your lifestyle without having to get a renovator's dream. I find women our age just a bit weird right now. They either have three kids or are still trying to be 22. I think you need to date down in age and date up in quality.

 

[goldengoose]

I know I won't be able to fix this woman, she will do what ever she wants and she will get drunk again.

What I want fixed is that I acted like an AFC. Out of the blue she threw a sh!t test that I clearly did not know how to handle, she turned the tables on me. I feel frustrated because she is good company for now.

You allowed her to turn the tables because of your insecurities which is still coming from your ex wife cheating.

There were red flags from the start with her which you let slide. You will always get in trouble when you do that.

You admitted your insecurities and fears to her. What do you expect?

You lost your frame, she saw it, which allowed her to gain control to manipulate you.

I told her I regret what I said because I spoke out of fear of being cheated on again.

You told her this. You should never say this to a woman. Never admit your fears or insecurities to a woman, they will use it against you. She did because she turned the tables on you.

I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t deal with you being so excited about partying.

Never tell a woman you're afraid of losing her. She should be afraid of losing you. If you're afraid, you're doing something wrong.

She got mad and texted this morning that she hopes my fear fades because it can debilitate our relationship.

Now you can see her attitude towards you, how she turned the tables, and how she knows your fears.

Don't admit this stuff to women, keep your frame, make them behave to how you expect the relationship to run. If they refuse or give you bvllsh1t, then leave. Simple as that.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

You've got great advice thus far from everyone. I just wanted to pick a couple of choice lines from your post and maybe it'll help you see it a little better.

She was super interested and told me she wanted me to stop seeing other women and pressured me by saying there was this guy who wanted to take her out, but she wouldn’t talk to him if we dated exclusively.

When I asked what her plan was, she said that maybe she would just eat and leave or that maybe she would go out to party with her friends. It is in a restaurant at 2 PM and should finish around 9 PM. I said I didn’t like the idea

She accused me of not trusting her .......that she loves me.....

You're not exclusive, yet she's already in love with you? You're not exclusive, yet you don't like some of the plans she's making?

And lastly...

She then called and said that we should “negotiate” because our relationship is her priority....

Negotiate the relationship? I think both of you have either forgotten or simply don't know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. I understand if you haven't and I'm not faulting you for it, but keep in mind in a healthy relationship where two people care about one another, they don't have to negotiate stuff. They act in a way to please the other, to put them first and to do things that helps improve their relationship. It should come naturally and no one person can make that relationship healthy - it takes both of them.

 

[zinc4]

She's 39 and loves to party and quickly wants to get exclusive with men (you).....why are you even considering her for something serious??? If a woman is partying at that age she will likely never stop........

If i were you, i wouldn't consider her more than anything for sex and let her do whatever the h$ll she wants....you aren't going to change someone who loves to get drunk and loves the nightlife you shouldn't have to...

There is no point in telling her not to go nor is there any point in worrying about any of thise....

Use her for sex and let her do whatever she wants....and if you don't care to use her only for sex just break up with her....problem solved.

 

[h_amati]

Thanks guys, I've gotten some great advice from you.

To clarify, we are exclusive (as dumb as that sounds being with this girl, this is my first relationship since my divorce 3 years ago).

Yesterday I saw her and she acted a less affectionate than usual, but normal. I mentioned she should go party with her friends if that's what she wants and that we should just let things "flow" and see how it goes. She replied I should get rid of my fear and trust her, I didn't respond. She kept on talking about future plans.

I acted distant and she asked why I looked sad. I just left after having dinner without talking much and as I was leaving she asked me to text her I got home ok (we always do this). When I got home I texted "I'm home, thanks for dinner".

Next thing I know, she called and asked me if I was ok, that she thinks I'm acting strangely and I looked kind of sad. I told her I just had a rough day and that was all. No calls or texts from her during the morning.

 

[Vulpine]

Next thing I know, she called and asked me if I was ok, that she thinks I'm acting strangely and I looked kind of sad. I told her I just had a rough day and that was all. No calls or texts from her during the morning.

You wouldn't be here telling us about this if you had more plates. Learn the how's and why's by reading up Rollo Tomassi's classic:

Plate Theory

She had another plate, waved it in your face, and since you had none of your own, let her climb up on a pedestal, and the AFC in you talked up to her.

Well, sir, what the fux are you doing with a 39 year old, anyway? They are used up and angry about it. :nono: Her insecurities? Psshf...

CHANGE
THE
SUBJECT.

Don't acknowledge them, don't encourage them, don't even bother to validate them.

You should make a point of finding several 25-33-ish plates, and I mean directly. Afraid you can't? You're wrong. Women foam on and on about how they need a "mature" man. Your one-itis cougar should be with a 25 year-old AFC, and you...

...you should have several younger women waiting in line. No Kids? You must not have any clue to your market value, man. You are a commodity like gold in the dating world, your one-itis cougar? She is like a fat chick in value, sight unseen.

It's hard to watch guys operate from a woman's imperative. I used to, so I can relate. Your AFC actions would have been a non-issue if you had more plates. Your confidence would automatically be higher if you had options. A man is only as good as his options, and I'd feel like a douche, too, if my only option was a used-up branch swinger playing power games.

Go, read plate theory. Internalize it. Always have options, because, whether you believe it or delude yourself, women always have some options. If they don't, they make up one in attempts to shake your game.