Abusive women do NOT get better...

[Johnny Alias]

Abusive women do NOT get better. It doesn't matter if it's verbal or physical. It doesn't matter if they have a personality disorder or not.

In fact, it gets worse. It gets much, much worse.

Once you've given away your power by staying and tolerating their crap they will keep pushing the limits because you take it like a chump and have become a punching bag... and things will escalate.

The excuses will be plentiful:

Rough childhood
I was drunk or high
I was PMSing
I'm stressed

The best is when they pin the cause of their abuse on you... and especially when they claim that they've never been like that with any previous man... which is always utter crap. Their previous partners and future partners would have stories to tell if you could talk to them...

Some of the sicker ones actually get off on fighting... gets them wet. They will create drama and conflict out of thin air because it gives them a rush... makes them feel alive... because normal life is too boring and makes them feel dead inside.

Conflict oriented people don't respond well to therapies... they don't want to change. They like who they are. Oftentimes they grew up in a broken home and a calm, happy life actually scares them. They don't know how to react to it.

YOU CANNOT FIX THIS. YOU CAN'T.

So when that first red flag comes along and she pops her top over nothing take notice. You'll probably rationalize it away because she's hot. When it keeps happening you'll notice its getting worse and more often. Now she's screaming at you in front of friends, now she's throwing things, now she's pushing you...

RUN.

It will not get better.

I've got many friends tied up with women like this right now. One had an incident not long ago where she had a few drinks and her eyes turned into daggers. He realized the change was happening and tried to leave. She proceeded to jump on his car... like 10 times... everytime he tried to pull away. He relented and went inside... the cops showed up. He didn't get arrested as they saw she was wasted, but he came CLOSE. Another friend I have was pushed, screamed at and physically assaulted... for months... he did go to jail when he finally lost his temper and smacked her... and many of these women will push a man that far. They'll turn us into something we are not.

I left mine and still struggle with that happy honeymoon BS period where she didn't act out... where she didn't attack me... where she didn't turn into Mr. Hyde on gallon of booze...

I've read enough stories of men online who deal with this... and their lives have been destroyed. They've lost their homes, their money, their kids, their reputations... some are even accused of being pedophiles. They're annhilated and some do end up killing themselves after wasting YEARS, EVEN DECADES of their lives on someone who is what she is. Those who do survive are brainwashed shells of the confident men they used to be... while their exes run off with other men and/or spend their hard earned money without a care in the world.

She is what she is. A wild rabid dog. This is in her nature. Much like alcoholism this is progressive... and gets worse. The faster you can recognize it the faster you can get out.

Now on a positive happy note I've got my rebound gal who regularly jumps my bones, a model I'm going to see for some nasty fun on Monday... and a potential threesome on Saturday.

None of this will happen to you if you stay with her. You'll waste time and be a fricking doormat. You don't deserve that. You're killing yourself just keeping her around when you have the power to cast her off. She's one of MANY women out there.

If any of you guys have stories that back up the progressiveness of abuse please feel free to share... and as always thanks for letting me vent.

 

[El Suave]

Repped

Right on.

 

[DarkDetective50]

Abusive women know how to spin things around. They can insult you and also make you feel like the villain.

 

[Epimanes]

My wife was abusive for a while and to be honest I likely was too. She did get better and so did I. You can turn it around but it takes both of you to want to change and to find ways to tell your partner what bothers you without being rude, defensive or disrespectful. Although you likely have trained your nuropathways to respond in those negative manners your "insitcts" to respond that way can be retrained. My wife and I are living proof. Together now 20years. Happier now than the last 10 years actually. Pretty much back into the infatuation stage again. So I don't agree with OP.

 

[Johnny Alias]

You're allowed to disagree. Was she abusive to the point of jumping on cars, throwing things at you, screaming at your for hours in a drunken tirade? That's the level I'm talking about.

It's great that you two figured things out. In every other case I've read that doesn't happen. The fact that she wanted to change as well is 100% necessary as it takes two to tango and I applaud her for that. Most women think their behavior is just fine and move from guy to guy waiting to find one that will put up with their crap forever.

 

[the_stig]

Before SoSuave I spent two years with a high-conflict, manipulative, professional victim. I'll just comment on a few experiences below..

The excuses will be plentiful:

Rough childhood
I was drunk or high
I was PMSing
I'm stressed

Often times their behavior doesn't even come with excuses either, they don't even realize how they act is wrong, they rationalize, etc. A rough upbringing is almost always a sure sign that someone will have emotional issues.

The best is when they pin the cause of their abuse on you... and especially when they claim that they've never been like that with any previous man... which is always utter crap

Exactly right. Her behavior was my fault and she'd "never felt like this before". The first red flag (that I overlooked) was early on she began turning friends/family against me. Little incidents twisted, turned into horror stories. I'd be 15 minutes late to do nothing at her place, and she'd be immediately texting everyone the sob story about how I'm terrible to her.

They will create drama and conflict out of thin air because it gives them a rush... makes them feel alive... because normal life is too boring and makes them feel dead inside

100% truth. My case.. she'd lament on and on how she hates fighting, drama, being upset - yet guess who instigated it? Guess who created problems out of thin air? Always my fault though!

It was interesting. We'd have a run where everything was going great, might last a few weeks, but one day she'd call me up and within seconds I'd tell by her demeanor that I was in for a rough patch. Just like a switch flipped and she was a different person (Her mother was bi-polar and I strongly suspected she was as well).

Conflict oriented people don't respond well to therapies... they don't want to change. They like who they are. Oftentimes they grew up in a broken home

The quote that she used to say with pride ".. I can be the nicest person until you piss me off, then I'm going to be your worst enemy".

She got fired from a high end Nursing job three months into our relationship, her temper to blame. She was still worshiping the ground I walked on at that point, but as things got worse, this was the first clue I recognized indicating the problem was indeed her, and not me.

Now she's screaming at you in front of friends, now she's throwing things, now she's pushing you

When this starts happening, there is no longer any doubt that you're in an abusive relationship and need to start developing an exit strategy.

I've got many friends tied up with women like this right now. One had an incident not long ago where she had a few drinks and her eyes turned into daggers

It was scary. When she would start drinking I could see the changes happening right in-front of my eyes. When drinking she did everything short of growing devil horns and a tail. Alcohol truly brings out the worst in them.

He realized the change was happening and tried to leave. She proceeded to jump on his car... like 10 times... everytime he tried to pull away. He relented and went inside... the cops showed up. He didn't get arrested as they saw she was wasted, but he came CLOSE. Another friend I have was pushed, screamed at and physically assaulted... for months...

Threats to call the police over LIES she made up, exploiting my weaknesses or secrets and attempting to manipulate me with then, fights due to her illogical jealousy issues, ultimatums, all right out of their playbook.

I left mine and still struggle with that happy honeymoon BS period where she didn't act out... where she didn't attack me... where she didn't turn into Mr. Hyde on gallon of booze...

It's uncanny that when looking back to the start of the relationship, they aren't even a shadow of the person you now know. In most cases the honeymoon period is so good, you're left with false hopes that "if you just do this, or work on that" it will make her happy and you'll have that picture perfect relationship back again. It'll never happen, trust me.

None of this will happen to you if you stay with her. You'll waste time and be a fricking doormat. You don't deserve that. You're killing yourself just keeping her around when you have the power to cast her off.

While my relationship didn't escalate to nearly its catastrophic potential, I understand what a lot of guys are going through. It's hard to understand if you haven't been there, but walking away isn't always as easy as most realize. Drama can be addictive, the highs and lows, the feeling of really liking the person and "just wanting things to be normal again". It's hard to explain, but it's easy to get sucked in. I did, but at least I learned from it.

 

[USB]

I was in a relationship where the woman will go nuts if she did not get her way ... Getting angry and walking away from our dinner date if I did not answer the question she was asking ... Everything had to be done according to her needs, and after that she will complain that I was not a giver. I was putting up with this, because the sexual chemistry was so strong ... I have never felt like this with anyone. At one point I realized I was in trouble, I was so in love, I did not have the strength to walk away.

After dating her for two months, I got fed up and started doing things my way. She had certain rules on what I could talk about ... I started to break all these rules, and talk to her on things she objected... Three weeks later she left me ...

I really believe people can change, but the reality is that change is slow, and do you really want to be with someone for 5 years, until you see real progress .... The real problem is your self worth. As you take her bull**** you degrade yourself, and lower your self-worth ... So I came to the following conclusion ... A woman with high self worth will never lower yours. So, the minute I realize that she is killing my self worth and self confidence, I start to fight back ... If that does not work, I walk away ... I always look at what she does not what she says... She may say that she wants to change, but if she is not able to, it means that the issues are deep rooted and will take many years ... walk away fast ....

 

[Epimanes]

Would you just walk away if her bad behaviour developed over time and children were already involved?

 

[Johnny Alias]

Thanks for the comments guys.

That's a tough one. Kids take things to a whole new level. Oftentimes women of this nature put on the fake face until you are fully roped in via marriage and/or children then their true nature surfaces. On top of that if the woman is older and enters pre-menopause when her hormones go crazy, it can cause her already aberrant behaviors to go GODZILLA like in comparison to how it was before. I've read about this happening MANY times to men in reasonably happy marriages... much less those that are already dysfunctional.

I'd ask myself certain questions:
1) Does she acknowledge her bad behavior or blame shift it to you?

2) Is it more prevalent when other substances are present, like alcohol?

3) How often is the behavior occurring? For me it was every 2 weeks pretty much like clockwork for the really bad stuff.

4) Does she fight with you in front of the kids and belittle you? This is a HUGE red flag and means you should walk in my opinion. Knowingly having a fight in front of VERY impressionable children can damage them for life. I know it did to me.

5) I'd say it also depends on the level of abuse we're talking about. I should have been more clear in my opening. I'm talking about shvt that leaves your self-esteem in the gutter. Shvt they don't apologize for. Shvt they can't even remember because they were blackout drunk. In the case where they do apologize and acknowledge they did wrong... and it comes back again and again anyway... you know you've got a problem.

I think people can change, but only if they are willing to admit fault with themselves. I've had to do it recently because I realize I'm insecure, codependent, have control issues, negativity, and a big ego. I'm in therapy to get this fixed as I want to be a better person. Self-reflection is not easy and can SUCK when you get down to it. A hard road to be sure.

For many of these women, the mere thought that they aren't already perfect is so out of touch with the vision they have of themselves they run or fight against the idea tooth and nail. I'M NOT PERFECT?? YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM!! THE GOOD AND THE BAD!!! A REAL MAN LOVES EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS WOMAN!

You'll see these kind of posts all over facebook and instagram. It disavows them of the need for self-introspection. Why would they want to change when there is a line of men willing to kiss their @sses and tell them how perfect they are because they are hot?

My two cents. Possible... but highly unlikely in most cases.

 

[Epimanes]

Part of it is monitoring her cycle. She is going to be moody and cranky the week before she bleeds. Track it. Then during that week be aloof and don't engage her when she's beoing that way. My wife tore my self esteem down to dirt due to her own insecurities and her own anxiety and negative self talk only fueled it and made it worse. You can be addicted to adrenaline and so having angry outbursts etc fuel that addiction also. This site helped me regain my aloofness when it was necessary and in between we see a psycologist who keeps us accountable and use marriagebuilder tools to repgrogram ourselves. Now my wife monitors her own cycle and recognizes her own anxiety from pms so when she's feeling like super ***** she just goes and picks up her book. When her book is in her hand I know to just let her be. Its not rational but it is what it is. Once that pms phase passes and she's bleeding she tells me how relieved she feels and appologizes for her abusive patterns while she was feeling crazy. I just shrug and say "nothing I didn't expect" hug her and carry on. Next thing I know she's on my knob haha!