Abundance: You Probably Still Care Too Much

[BeExcellent]

You can't be a slutty virgin. That makes absolutely no sense.

Good sex is subjective anyway. For instance, if I consider good sex to be with someone under 30, that would make it impossible for @BeExcellent to be good in bed lol. But that is only by my criteria.

Likewise, her criteria might make me bad in bed for her, but amazing for someone under 30 who is much hotter than her.

How myopic, lol. It doesn't take a many lovers at all to become great in bed, particularly if you choose your partner well. That means waiting to know someone before getting physical. My ex husband and I were involved for the better part of 20 years, married much of that time & had sex often (sometimes several times a day.). That means thousands of encounters with a single partner over the years. That is not slvtty but is a lot of experience. We did not have sex until we were not only exclusive, but engaged, ring and all. I have always been cautious getting involved and been a LTR kind of gal.

My mother-in-law and grandmother were virgins when they married. Both revered the sexual joy of marriage and both considered it the glue that kept the home fires burning and the passion alive year in and year out. Both were widowed (married til parted by death), and in my grandmothers case, widowed twice after decades of marriage with each spouse. Both these women understood and valued sex, pleasing their husbands, and so forth. Both were very open about how important and central sexual union is to a great marriage. They shared the importance of the sexual union with their children.

The sexual union (which is more than just the act of having sex) can deepen and get better over time through years of intimacy. Now I realize @Urbanyst does not begin to understand that kind of intimacy...but people who do understand it give all sorts of subtle cues that suggest desire for emotional intimacy.

Those subtle cues are what I look for, probably at least to a degree subconsciously, because I read them as I'm getting to know someone. A hall mark of those cues is patience. Another is emotional investment (before sex).

Back to the abundance theme...for me, since I know what I value (great sex is in the top 2 on my list, alongside compatibility) and since I know how to screen for it without the sex act itself...it's simply a matter of being patient and applying my personal standards. My standards boil down to 2 basic questions. They are

1. Do I desire him sexually?
2. Can he lead me?

Now obviously many things factor into the answer being "Yes" to both those questions but the take home message is that one can determine desire without sex. The answer to both questions must be "Yes" or I do not consider a sexual relationship. I don't need to have sex with someone to learn whether or not I get aroused by that person, and I exercise self control and restraint in waiting to gauge a man's interest level in me before I'll grant him sexual favor. This is what high self esteem women do. Respect themselves...which creates respect from the man in the equation.

It makes for better overall outcomes in my opinion and in my own personal experience.

When you have high self esteem and come from a place of self respect, you become patient. Not insecure or desperate. You have choices to make and you make them based on what is right for you. If somebody isn't a good option, you have patience to drop that person & be open to other options. That is genuine abundance.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

You can't be a slutty virgin. That makes absolutely no sense.

I’m talking about how they can still be ****teases.

For instance, if I consider good sex to be with someone under 30

This is a preference in terms of who you find attractive vs who you don’t. It has nothing to do with how well the action of sex was...

 

[Urbanyst]

This is a preference in terms of who you find attractive vs who you don’t. It has nothing to do with how well the action of sex was...

Attraction is the most important part of great sex my friend.

 

[Urbanyst]

How myopic, lol. It doesn't take a many lovers at all to become great in bed, particularly if you choose your partner well.

The sexual union (which is more than just the act of having sex) can deepen and get better over time through years of intimacy. Now I realize @Urbanyst does not begin to understand that kind of intimacy...but people who do understand it give all sorts of subtle cues that suggest desire for emotional intimacy.

HA.

@BeExcellent I totally understand that type of intimacy. I think the main thing YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND is the fact that being good at sex for one partner is not the same as being good at sex in general lol.

 

[Dash Riprock]

There are plenty of women, myself included, that will dump a man for being terrible in the sack. And dump him unceremoniously too. Life is too short to put up with shjtty sex.

What BS. This sort of attitude actually p*isses me off. Men aren't walking dildos. I own a successful business, have a degree, own property, have $$, have a very outgoing quasi ****y personality, a large social circle, play sports, workout 4-5 times per week, etc., etc., BUT if I were to disappoint in bed the first or even second time or just even in the early going I'm out, huh? Dumped unceremoniously too at that. That's a very shallow way to view men and relationships. Almost like me saying "If you don't cook my steak JUST RIGHT THE WAY I WANT IT the first few times you're outta here woman!! Thank god not all women think this way. For me, and I can speak for many men, sometimes you need to feel a "vibe" from a woman to have really good sex and sometimes that takes time. There's enough f*ucking pressure on men as-is these days, don't you think? F*uck, even Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, and Drew Brees have the occasional bad game. Guess we're not allowed to though, right?

 

[fastlife]

I think a lot guys engage their emotions too early and too often with women these days. The crappy market makes a lot of guys so desperate they get emotionally attached to any woman who shows even a sliver of interest lol. Guys are just too damn desperate and its not good for anyone.

The right approach I think is to aim for an abundance of SEX.

Don't engage women emotionally until they give you a good reason to. Test drive a lot of cars. Rent some of them. Only buy if you are really impressed. Don't be so desperate to own you're own car that you're willing to buy the first thing in your price range lol.

Emotions =/= Investment. You'll have better luck in set when you're emotionally open but completely uninvested in the outcome. That sounds paradoxical, but it's really not--as a rule, men aren't able to experience their emotions as something inherent within themselves. You are sharing emotions with the girl, because you already feel good and you don't need anything in return. The minute (you think) you need the girl to feel good about yourself is the minute you've entered scarcity. With needy girls you might get some mileage out of that, but it's a validation chase at that point.

But I'd agree your investment in a girl should be something that takes a lot of work from her end over a lengthy period of time (and even then you never go all in).

Nope. You shouldn’t have to learn how to please her, she should learn how to please you. Sex is for the man, not the woman.

Sex is what she does to keep around because she has use for you. Not to say girls don’t like sex, but not the way men do. What girl is going to keep going back to a guy who cant help her and can’t do anything for her? He’s a bartender but he blows my mind in the sack!

A lot of them lol. In fact, that very dynamic is something the manosphere constantly bemoans: Wah. I did all these great things with my life & she just wants to fvck the deadbeat/thug/bartender/drug dealer/grimy musician who hasn't showered in a month

Dualistic mating strategy. Alpha Fvcks/Beta Bucks. Good Genes/Good Provisioning. Whether that dynamic plays out simultaneously in real time (take cheating girlfriends) or over different periods of time in a girl's life (I used to date jerks but now I'm older & established in my career and now I'm looking for a 'real' man).

I'd agree that Who you are as a man & How that makes her feel > Technical Prowess. And that Your Experience > Her Experience. But those things aren't mutually exclusive lol. You can excite her on an emotional level & still be good in bed. You can selfish & still be attentive to her experience. Dominance & Leadership requires prioritizing your goals and your feelings over the goals and feelings of other people, it doesn't require disregarding their goals or feelings entirely.

So while your sense of self-worth shouldn't hinge on whether or not you make a girl cvm, it doesn't mean that making her cvm won't make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. On a practical level, just making a girl orgasm won't necessarily keep her around but in a lot of cases good sex can be an end unto itself & can eliminate a lot of work on your end to keep girls around. Literally the only thing I offer most girls is Good Sex, A Good Time & No Judgment or Expectations. Not every girl goes for that, but plenty of them do. That package isn't something that's widely available on the overall market; just a matter of using market inefficiencies to your advantage.

And as far as girls not enjoying or needing sex--girls will literally ruin their entire lives to sleep with the guy they want to sleep with. If you've never seen that happen, you aren't paying attention

 

[fastlife]

Bump

 

[Spaz]

Interesting topic and a good bump.

Sorry guys. In this I've gotta agree with @BeExcellent.

S€X is super important to women in general.

And if u r experienced as in adventurous, mysterious, kinky, fun and hv the willingness to fvck in the unlikeliest of places (@waterfall, on the bonnet of a car or even on a horse etc) that would put you in God - mode.

 

[Spaz]

Neediness has many forms: The obvious ones, like being overly available, constantly texting a girl you're interested in, giving up doing things and seeing people you enjoy to 'not rock the boat.' Most of us here are aware of those issues and have (hopefully) mostly corrected them.

But there's another side to that coin, equally needy. And that's faking non-neediness--overtly communicating things like "I don't care," making sure you wait X amount of time before texting her back, not texting her even though you feel like it. Calling girls out on bad behavior, not tolerating 'disrespect.' Overanalyzing your behavior and her responses to that behavior.

Why do we do those things? You can rationalize it however you want but it's because you still care. You care about what impression you're making on her. You care about being someone she'll never get over lol. Why do you care? Because you aren't fully capable of quickly realizing other, possibly better options or aren't able to tolerate the pain you may go through to find and capitalize on those options.

Needing abundance to act abundantly is still needy.

I'm not saying not to have boundaries or to tolerate disrespect--but obsessing over either is just you being needy & uncomfortable with the full range of female behavior and how that behavior manifests itself in real life. And, ironically, that very neediness manifests itself in the very behavior you're trying to avoid.

For instance:

• Hot, young girls are flaky. There is nothing you can 'do' to keep that from happening. The best way to prevent flakiness is not to care if she flakes. Have a contingency plan that's equally attractive to you--hope she flakes.
• Most girls are seeing other guys in some way, shape, or form. That's life. The best way to be the more attractive option is not to care. What, are you trying to marry some girl you just met the past couple months? Are you not seeing other girls--if not why.
• Being able to lead girls is essential. But how do you communicate that you're someone worth following? By not caring if any one person in particular follows you where you're going. If you were throwing the best party ever and you invited someone to join that party, would you care if they didn't want to come? Fvck no, you'd just be like, "Their loss," if you even noticed at all.

That's not to say not to have boundaries. Have rock solid boundaries. Your happiness depends on them. But boil them down to what's essential to your happiness. If you can't count your boundaries on five fingers chances are they aren't essential, enforceable, or they'll result in needy behavior. For instance, pretty much anyone can be a part of my life as long as they:

• Are fun to be around. If I'm not having fun, who cares?
• They don't disrupt me from pursuing my goals. Ideally they'd help me toward those goals, and those people take higher priority, but I can manage that on my own. As long as they stay out of my way, then no biggie.
• They don't pose a threat to my physical or financial well being or the well being of anyone I love or care about.
• They don't bring negativity into my life. They can be the most down, depressed person ever but they damn sure aren't bringing that into their interaction with me.
• I give my time to the people who bring me the most happiness & positivity. At this point, I have a pretty clear idea of who & what my priorities are. The only way for new people to climb that ladder are to bring more value than currently existing options. I don't need a girl to adhere to some script I have in my head of 'an ideal female partner'--but if she wants to be a priority in my life she better up the ante

Everything that falls outside of those boundaries literally doesn't exist in my reality. Pretty damn simple--and you'll be amazed at how people will fall in line to adhere to a strong reality they want to exist within.

Superb post !

If that's ur mindset on not only women but everything and everyone then u r on ur way 2 greater heights.

A winners mindset - stand apart from the crowd - knowing when to dismiss and move to the next.

Good job !

 

[fastlife]

Bump. Just cause it’s true

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Everyone cares to some extent or other.

 

[ubercat]

I still think it's pretty simple overall. Stay busy keep the wheels spinning. Simple tiredness beats complicated inner game thinking. Then sports meditation and massage to keep the wheels oiled.

 

[Çharismo]

The funny thing is most of the people posting comments are banned. I el-oh-eld hard!!!

 

[Vymrr]

[snipped]

There's a neat little sh1t test that looks a helluva lot like a comfort test (and it was one that stumped me for a long time with several different girls). "You don't care." Of course, our instinct--the logical thing to do--is to try to convince her you do care lol, but the way you know it's a sh1t test is that it's never something a girl would ever, ever, ever say if you really didn't care.

And by 'not caring,' I don't mean to be unempathetic, or inconsiderate, or not to be interested or even invested in someone else's well being. I mean that you aren't attached to a particular outcome with a particular person at a particular time; you can still want the best for someone without having your emotional state dependent on the outcome.

I'm curious - I'm experiencing the "You don't care." shtick from my current squeeze. If I don't text her at least once everyday, I get this (or a variation of it) from her. What do you do from your experience? Ignoring or not replying to her is not an option (believe me I've tried lol)

 

[Ricky]

Having marriage problems. It's hard to pretend you don't care then, but its what i need to do. Have to kill the neediness

 

[fastlife]

I'm curious - I'm experiencing the "You don't care." shtick from my current squeeze. If I don't text her at least once everyday, I get this (or a variation of it) from her. What do you do from your experience? Ignoring or not replying to her is not an option (believe me I've tried lol)

It’s up to you to set the frame—ideally early rather than later (I always tell girls upfront I’m not much of a texter and I think it’s better for people to have time to themselves and talk about things in person). You didn’t set that frame proactively so you’re in a bit of tighter spot (esp if you texted her everyday initially). But I’d just sit her down and set that frame and be real with it, i.e., “Look, I know it bothers you that I don’t text you everyday. But that’s just not me. Maybe in the past you’ve had guys that chased you around all day, but I’m a man. I have a life and things I’m trying to accomplish. And I think it drains the energy out of a relationship when couples get clingy and text each other everyday. I want to be excited to see you and have stuff we can talk about in person instead of acting like little robots on a screen.”

If you’ve been seeing this girl for a while and acting like her boyfriend, eventually she will want a relationship—and you might already be at that point. If you are it’s either you go against your best judgment and make a decision from scarcity and lose the frame, you genuinely do want a relationship based on her real life qualities (vs painting a bullseye around the target), or it’s time to find new girls and proactively set better, more sustainable frames.

 

[BJP1991]

How does one “not care” the proper amount, yet also set clear, defined boundaries? I’ve always wondered if this is actually a little bit contradictory? Just a thought

 

[fastlife]

How does one “not care” the proper amount, yet also set clear, defined boundaries? I’ve always wondered if this is actually a little bit contradictory? Just a thought

Paradoxical maybe, but not contradictory (a lot of game is paradoxical).

At the lowest level, a man won’t set boundaries out of insecurity, scarcity, neediness, and fear. Then, at a slightly higher level, he will set boundaries—but those boundaries will still be rooted in insecurity, scarcity, neediness, fear and avoiding those emotions. If your boundaries are rooted in those things, then you’ll be triggered when those boundaries are crossed—and they will be crossed because women (especially but people in general) are always testing where you’re insecure, needy, fearful, or in scarcity.

Plus, those aren’t genuine boundaries to begin with. Setting boundaries from that frame is just your ego trying to preserve its identity and define itself through the reactions of women (or, really, other people in general). It’s all an elaborate fabrication—and even bothering to set those types of boundaries is already evidence that you care too much.

If you really had agency, intrinsic value, and full belief that you could replace anybody in your life, you could still have clearly defined boundaries, but it wouldn’t be a big deal when people cross them and you wouldn’t need the people in your life to adhere to a narrow script since your identity wouldn’t be dependent on them. A little nuanced but hopefully that makes sense.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Paradoxical maybe, but not contradictory (a lot of game is paradoxical).

At the lowest level, a man won’t set boundaries out of insecurity, scarcity, neediness, and fear. Then, at a slightly higher level, he will set boundaries—but those boundaries will still be rooted in insecurity, scarcity, neediness, fear and avoiding those emotions. If your boundaries are rooted in those things, then you’ll be triggered when those boundaries are crossed—and they will be crossed because women (especially but people in general) are always testing where you’re insecure, needy, fearful, or in scarcity.

Plus, those aren’t genuine boundaries to begin with. Setting boundaries from that frame is just your ego trying to preserve its identity and define itself through the reactions of women (or, really, other people in general). It’s all an elaborate fabrication—and even bothering to set those types of boundaries is already evidence that you care too much.

If you really had agency, intrinsic value, and full belief that you could replace anybody in your life, you could still have clearly defined boundaries, but it wouldn’t be a big deal when people cross them and you wouldn’t need the people in your life to adhere to a narrow script since your identity wouldn’t be dependent on them. A little nuanced but hopefully that makes sense.

Great post! Would you be willing to share what that looks like in your own life, please?

 

[fastlife]

Great post! Would you be willing to share what that looks like in your own life, please?

My situation mirrored @samspade's pretty closely--though I had other experience beyond that. Basically, in my pre-SS, pre-game LTR, I had extremely strong boundaries--but those boundaries were from a place of trying to preserve a narrative about the girl and about myself and preserving how other people viewed me since I valued their opinions about me above my own. There were a lot of things that I perceived as "disrespectful." But since all of those narratives were false, those boundaries were meaningless. There were too many of them to realistically enforce and I'd react emotionally to when those boundaries were crossed, since it threatened the narrative and I didn't really have the self-belief that I had other, easily realizable options. When someone can cross one boundary and find out it's meaningless, they'll cross other ones lol and eventually things got to the point where I had no choice but to walk away.

After finding SS, I fell into the whole don't let people "disrespect you," only pursue high IL girls, next first ask questions later stuff. Instead of reflecting on why boundaries matter and which boundaries are really important to begin with, I doubled down on the boundaries themselves and adopted another false narrative I needed to preserve. But I'd still feel sh1tty when those boundaries were crossed, even if I removed myself from that situation. Eventually, though, through pushing my comfort zones and meditation and just having more life experiences, I realized that I had just replaced one set of narratives for another and I still wasn't authoring my own life. So I dropped them (as best I could--the ego has a way of always finding its way back).

Also, things shifted when I got to the point where I did have options--I just didn't care as much. I had too much going on and I started living more in the moment--I'd be glad when girls would flake out because it just meant I could go out and meet other ones and I could always just hit them back later if I felt like it. Or if a girl said/did something disrespectful it'd be funny to me because I'd be, "Wow, she's really missing the picture." I quit caring what girls did on their own time. I realized I was fully, 100% responsible for my own emotions and my own view of myself and quit giving priority to other people's perception of me. Like how could someone possibly "disrespect" me--who are they that I would put that much value on their opinion to begin with? What's funny though, is that once you get to that point where you don't really need anything from other people, 1.) People start chasing your approval and 2.) People stop disrespecting you or testing your boundaries to begin with. I'll still get light sh1t tests here and there, but I can't remember the last time anyone really disrespected me. Since it doesn't really matter, I give people a lot of leeway to be themselves. I'll call people out if they say/do things that go against my values, but even that's really rare and more like a one and done than something I have to monitor or look out for.