A woman's view on "nice" must read!

[JUST ME]

A woman's view on

O.K. guys I am back with the same post, only readable.In this book by Don Stelle, A 22 year old chick writes to him-

"Although I swore I would never put myself through the torture I saw several of my girlfriends go through,I broke up with several wonderful "nice" guys to obsess over an unatainable jerk.Then I clung to a guy who was nicer to strangers at the bus stop then he ever was to me."

"When i finally found the incredible guy I'm with now,I was sure it wouldn't last,because he was "too nice to be interesting".Fortunately, I was so exausted from years of trying to change or make the wrong guys love me,I relaxed and gave him a chance to show me how intelligent,fun and likeable he is,and how nice it was to be happy for days,weeks,months on end."

"Then the real reson for the "nice guy" problem occured to me-I actually caught myself thinking,He's so nice to me. but he's so nice to everybody!How will I ever know if he loves ME!.Then I realized that young women don't want to be treated like dirt.They want to be treated by nicely by guys who AREN'T NICE-guys whose only reason to be nice would be that they were compelled to CHANGE, by their love for that special girl, thus COVETED PROOF of her lovability.

Take a look at every trashy romance novel.The hero is a heartless rake or villian who only because of his overwhelming love for the heroine CHANGES his ways.It's a popular fictional approach to relationships, but never works in real life."

Steele replies-"this is the best explanation I've ever come across It rings true.Too nice does not work in the beginning and for an unknown time thereafter."

"being accomodating is absolutely the kiss of death!You know, adjusting her schedule to hers,agreeing to see her movie instead of yours,changing a lunch date with her cause her girlfriend's in town."

"As stunningly stupid as it sounds,some of them see you as accommodating if you yield to their desire for Mexican food instead of Chinese!."

"COMMODE is spelled like ACCOMMODATE-Use this memory association technique to prevent your relationship from ending up in the commode."

 

[Centaurion]

aaah much better!!!

yeah that stuff makes some sense...

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A man may fight the greatest enemy, take the longest journey, survive the most grievous wound - and still be helpless in the hands of the woman he loves.
- Zenzunni Wisdom from the Wandering

 

[Faun]

That sounds just right.

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Half man, half animal.

 

[new_juan]

"COMMODE is spelled like ACCOMMODATE-Use this memory association technique to prevent your relationship from ending up in the commode."

That is hilarious

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"The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others --- the living --- are those who pushed their control as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back, or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between Now and Later." Hunter S. Thompson

[This message has been edited by new_juan (edited 02-07-2002).]

 

[lordclem*]

bravo

 

[Hawkeye]

great post.

 

[JUST ME]

guys i wanted to push this 1 back to the top, its very underrated on this board so far- MORE REPLIES PLEASE! from the GIRLS TOO!

 

[Rebel Leader]

I actually read this through when it was in all caps and no paragraphs. Guess I'm too accomodating!

It has some very important insights. I think the kind of girl who tries to exert her power to change a bad boy is a girl who has experienced very little personal power in her life -- always being pushed around by other people (like family) and not being respected as a full-fledged human being. With a boy who is supposed to be her social "equal", she thinks that maybe she's got a shot at success.

She might feel that this is her chance to "make a difference". Like many irrational behaviors, it is rooted in her attempt to resolve hangups from the past by working through them yet again in the present. Until old hangups are somehow resolved, she will continue this pattern, trying to make the world conform to her personal vision of how it should be, instead of accepting it as it is.

Thanks for posting this, JUST ME.

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Live ... Love ... Laugh

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Rebel Leader:
I actually read this through when it was in all caps and no paragraphs. Guess I'm too accomodating!

It has some very important insights. I think the kind of girl who tries to exert her power to change a bad boy is a girl who has experienced very little personal power in her life -- always being pushed around by other people (like family) and not being respected as a full-fledged human being. With a boy who is supposed to be her social "equal", she thinks that maybe she's got a shot at success.

She might feel that this is her chance to "make a difference". Like many irrational behaviors, it is rooted in her attempt to resolve hangups from the past by working through them yet again in the present. Until old hangups are somehow resolved, she will continue this pattern, trying to make the world conform to her personal vision of how it should be, instead of accepting it as it is.

Thanks for posting this, JUST ME.

Reliving the past is an issue with a lot of people...men included. As a rule, anyone who finds they are consistently getting involved with the wrong kind of person should look at this phenomenon. For women, the pattern is often abusers or alcoholics. With men it is usually victims. The women tend to want to change or "fix" a guy whereas a man more often tends to seek a woman to "rescue". It ALWAYS can be traced back to the past and unresolved pain and issues when people do this. I tend to run a pattern of both attracting and being attracted to alcoholics. However, I recognized what I was doing and altered my pattern a bit so that now I lean in the direction of recovering alcoholics. I don't see that as a bad thing at all, because a man with some serious AA under his belt is almost always a very amazing and emotionally stable man with a lot of wisdom and humility.

 

[DarkDream]

Originally posted by Wyldfire:

Reliving the past is an issue with a lot of people...men included. As a rule, anyone who finds they are consistently getting involved with the wrong kind of person should look at this phenomenon. For women, the pattern is often abusers or alcoholics. With men it is usually victims. The women tend to want to change or "fix" a guy whereas a man more often tends to seek a woman to "rescue". It ALWAYS can be traced back to the past and unresolved pain and issues when people do this. I tend to run a pattern of both attracting and being attracted to alcoholics. However, I recognized what I was doing and altered my pattern a bit so that now I lean in the direction of recovering alcoholics. I don't see that as a bad thing at all, because a man with some serious AA under his belt is almost always a very amazing and emotionally stable man with a lot of wisdom and humility.

I don't have time to respond to this. I just wanted to say a brief, "Hi" to you Wyldfire. Haven't seen you posting for a while.

Good to hear your alive, kicking and sticking to your keen intellect

Hope all is well.

--DD

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by DarkDream:
I don't have time to respond to this. I just wanted to say a brief, "Hi" to you Wyldfire. Haven't seen you posting for a while.

Good to hear your alive, kicking and sticking to your keen intellect

Hope all is well.

--DD

Hey DD...nice to "see" you!

 

[Sir_Chancealot]

Originally posted by Wyldfire:

...because a man with some serious AA under his belt is almost always a very amazing and emotionally stable man with a lot of wisdom and humility. ...

Yes, we all know it's quite rare to find an emotionally stable man with wisdom and humility that HASN'T been a drunk.

 

[raven_82]

exactly

 

[Wolf in sheep's clothing]

Originally posted by Wyldfire:
...a man with some serious AA under his belt is almost always a very amazing and emotionally stable man with a lot of wisdom and humility.

This line alone has made my day. Thanks

accommodate = suplicate? Or are the 2 different, and how?

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Sir_Chancealot:
Yes, we all know it's quite rare to find an emotionally stable man with wisdom and humility that HASN'T been a drunk.

Roll your eyes all you want, but the fact is...a man who has been through AA, works the program and maintains a few years of sobriety is THE best quality man there is out there...above ALL others.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Wolf in sheep's clothing:
This line alone has made my day. Thanks

accommodate = suplicate? Or are the 2 different, and how?

You're welcome...glad to see that someone here knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'd take a stable recovering alcoholic over any other man any day of the week.

 

[Sir_Chancealot]

Originally posted by Wyldfire:
Roll your eyes all you want, but the fact is...a man who has been through AA, works the program and maintains a few years of sobriety is THE best quality man there is out there...above ALL others.

No, he isn't. He adds an element of danger and excitement to your relationship, and that's something I dare say you crave.

Do you seriously expect me, and all the others on this board, to believe that unless a man has been a drunkard, that he isn't a top quality man?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Young DJs, you still want to ask advice from this woman?

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Sir_Chancealot:
No, he isn't. He adds an element of danger and excitement to your relationship, and that's something I dare say you crave.

Do you seriously expect me, and all the others on this board, to believe that unless a man has been a drunkard, that he isn't a top quality man?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Young DJs, you still want to ask advice from this woman?

You (as usual) miss the ENTIRE point. A man in AA is of such high quality because of the 12 step program. He is emotionally and mentally healthy. He is wise. He is humble and practices humility. He TAKES RESPONSIBILITY for his life, feelings, thoughts, actions, attitudes, behavior and understands that you have to do the footwork yourself, instead of looking for a handout. He is mature enough to recognize and repair his shortcomings and mistakes. He respects himself and others. He is close to God yet not preachy. He is compassionate, understanding, strong and honest.

He is a WHOLE man...in mind and soul and none are his equal BECAUSE of the way following the program transforms his life. It has NOTHING to do with drinking.

 

[Bonhomme]

I expect, sometimes even *demand* people to be accommodating. It's a matter of optimizing a situation for the mutual benefit of all concerned. And -- given that I have such expectations of others -- I'd be a right hypocrite not to be accommodating, too!

I'm all about *mutual benefit, but definitely *mutual* -- as long as said accommodation doesn't mess things up for me. For example, if she hates spicy food, I wouldn't insist upon Indian, but at the same time wouldn't go for Chinese if she wanted that, on account of my severe allergy to *soy*. *Mutual* accommodation for mutual *benefit*.

Nothing weak about that.

If a woman doesn't have enough self-esteem to *demand* accommodation when she needs it, she's not the kind of woman I want to be with for the long haul.

There's a difference between being *reasonable* and being a *doormat*.

[This message has been edited by Bonhomme (edited 02-23-2002).]