A Woman's First Time

[Rubato]

Desdinova addressed this issue in his thread about a woman's first love, but I want to address it more specifically. Do you think a woman ever really gets over the first guy she sleeps with?

I think sex is a totally different thing, in general, for men and for women. I was talking last night and couldn't even remember the girl I lost my virginity to (I finally did remember) and really am not sure exactly how many girls I've even had sex with. My actions don't always represent the hallmark of my decision making, but I've used sex as a purely recreational activity, blatantly used girls, lied to them, and left them. I've been drunk/high and had sex. And honestly, there's nothing really special that stands out to me, and I think that's a bit sad.

Then there's girls. I've taken 2 girls' virginities over the years that I'm aware of, and both of them still have yet to get over me. One girl I broke up with in 2008, she's married and still writes letters to me directly soliciting sex. She said marrying that guy was the biggest mistake of her life and she'd divorce him if I'd take her back. It's pathetic really, for both of them. The other girl I dated for about 3 months last year, broke up with her in May, f*cked her sporadically throughout the rest of the year (while I was seeing other people and we were still broken up) and finally cut ties sometime before Christmas. She's not married, but she's even more after me than the first girl I mentioned.

I honestly think sex means something totally different to a man than it does to a woman. The more I've thought about this and pondered the issue, the more I think I'm beginning to believe that guys who marry or end up in life long relationships or even long term relationships with women who are not virgins are setting themselves up for problems. I think a man who marries a virgin can be quite assured that she will not cheat on him unless he is just the absolute king AFC of AFCs.

So does a woman's first time leave her forever emotionally attached to the guy, or would you say it's the woman's first love? Or perhaps the woman's deepest love? Rollo wrote something on his blog not too long ago that said in essence, if you are dating a girl, you had better hope you're more alpha than the last guy she had. What's the determinant here?

I'm inclined to believe that unless a girl just got sh*t faced drunk, high, or had random sex with a stranger, her first time is never going away emotionally. If she had any sort of connection meritorious enough for her to have sex with him, it meant something that isn't going away.

Even if I'm wrong about the virginity issue, it's pretty obvious that some "first" for a girl is going to linger with her forever - first love, sex, alpha, whatever.

What is a DJ, a real man, an alpha supposed to do when he picks up an otherwise worthy woman but she has emotional skeletons? You can be the greatest man in the world, but how do you unwire a woman's perceptions about a love she had in the past that she's essentially made sacred in the hallows of her mind? Do you just have to be better? A better man, a better lover, deliver a better connection? Just be the best fing sh*t there is so that you eclipse whatever else there may have been?

For me, this isn't an issue about insecurity as you guys define it for AFCs. It's an issue that I will not be second place in any woman's mind that I am with. If a woman has value sufficient for me to want to include her in my life in an exclusive manner, I will not be anything less than first place. And I don't think that the pat answer "just be alpha" or "just be a man" or something cookie cutter like that is the best response to this.

I know I've written a lot, but what do you think?

 

[Greasy Pig]

I was talking to a recently divorced chick at the weekend and she said she still thinks about her high school sweetheart from 20 years earlier.
I think it's true that women never forget their first fvck but I don't know who to make a woman forget the connection with that guy.
It's a tough one.

 

[Rubato]

This is one reason why cheating risk goes up drastically from those with one partner to those with only 2. Leaving their first causes emotional skeletons. I actually dated a chick who was RED HOT for me until I saw her "refriend" the guy who took her virginity and I knew it was time to drop her.

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/why-sluts-make-bad-wives/

This is exactly what I'm talking about. So how do you address it? I don't even know if you can.

Whenever I start dating a girl exclusively, I establish a set of rules for our relationship. This is why one of them is that past relationship "friendships" are off limits. If they've f*cked or dated, they don't talk. If they want to be friends that badly, they can go back to dating them. I don't have a lot of rules only like... 2 or 3, but the rules I have are designed reduce the likelihood of cheating. If a rule gets broken, the girl goes away. And so far as I know (which is admittedly, a very imperfect system), very few girls break my rules. If they are really "RED HOT" for me, they won't risk losing me.

That said, if a girl wants to cheat, no rule is going to keep her from doing so. This is all tangential to the original point. The ideal is that if we have aspirations for marriage or a permanent LTR, the girl should be clean sexually. Some guys don't want this, but I think that the men endowed with more wisdom would prefer this. This ideal is rarely, if ever anymore found. So what do you do as a man to manage it?

 

[Burroughs]

A woman's first time is everything

this is why preservation of female virginity and subsequent bonding were of utmost concern in the ancient and not too distant past for all stable cultures.

how stable does our culture feel to you guys these days?

hmmmmmmm

 

[SoSuave666]

I JUST spoke to a female friend about this over the weekend. She said although she will always remember her first time having sex, the thing that was much MORE memorable was her first orgasm. Interestingly enough they were not the same person.

 

[Down Low]

Desdinova addressed this issue in his thread about a woman's first love, but I want to address it more specifically. Do you think a woman ever really gets over the first guy she sleeps with?

Oh sure. A 20 year old gal tried really hard to seduce me when I was 19. Kinda young for her, but I didn't think of it that way at the time. She was a virgin and had a natural resistance that both of us had to fight against, but we got there. Turns out she was the daughter of a mistress, and was using me to deflower her b-cuz she wanted to seduce an experienced older (than us) guy who owned his own leather craft shop in the gay part of town. Could also be that she wanted a nice experience with me just in case the gay leather guy didn't turn out so well. She went on to become a wh0re in Germany and fell for some Kurdish a-hole who dumped her about a year or two after she had their daughter.

EDIT Isn't it strange how often a gal will drop hints, let you know, and rub your nose in it, that she's going to f0ck exactly [fill in the blank] guy as soon as you turn your back? Even if you want to be exclusive, can't abide cheating, or even if you're already married. It's like she's holding you hostage for every second of attention, then she slips out to text or call him to make sure his attention is being held hostage too.

 

[Burroughs]

EDIT Isn't it strange how often a gal will drop hints, let you know, and rub your nose in it, that she's going to f0ck exactly [fill in the blank] guy as soon as you turn your back? Even if you want to be exclusive, can't abide cheating, or even if you're already married. It's like she's holding you hostage for every second of attention, then she slips out to text or call him to make sure his attention is being held hostage too.

this is a golden insight!

 

[jhl]

sosuave666. Totally true what you said. Woman's first orgasm with someone can be more special than her first time. NO doubt about this.