A Woman's First Love

[Desdinova]

Over the years, I've noticed something that women never really get over: the first man they feel love for.

I have a friend who told me about the first man she ever loved. She told me that she lost her virginity at age 11, but she didn't mind because she loved him.

My first fiancé's first love was the guy she was with before she dated me. She lost her virginity to him at age 13. He treated her like garbage, but she loved him anyway. In her mid-20s, she went back to him and had a baby with him. They're not together anymore.

Men may have the natural instinct to spread their seed around, but I believe the woman has the natural instinct to remain monogamous, especially with the first man who comes along and moves her emotionally.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I agree but I tend to believe they feel that way about the guy who took their virginity.
That's something they never ever forget and the common thread in your post is that those girls lost their virginity to those guys.
Is that what you meant by first "love"?

 

[Desdinova]

I agree but I tend to believe they feel that way about the guy who took their virginity.

I don't think that's the case. Both of these women were previously raped / sexually abused. They didn't consider their forced sexual experiences as losing their virginity.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Otherwise known as Alpha Widows

These are the Alpha Widows – women so significantly impacted by a former Alpha (or perceptually so) lover that she’s left with an emotional imprint that even the most dutiful, loving beta-provider can never compete with. A woman doesn’t have to have been an archetypal slut in order to have difficulty in pair bonded monogamy.

It's kind of ironic how much emphasis guys place on a woman's notch count and worrying about her slut status, when in fact they should be more concerned with how Alpha the last guy she broke up with was. For most women, unless she was raped, the guy she loses her virginity to is almost always a default Alpha just by virtue of being the first bang she ever had.

Worry less about how many guy's she's ƒucked and worry more about how you measure up to the last significant Alpha she's ƒucked. It's better to be the first Alpha guy she's been with after 7 chumps than to be a comparative Beta she's with after leaving her only Alpha lover.

 

[Who Dares Win]

Otherwise known as Alpha Widows



It's kind of ironic how much emphasis guys place on a woman's notch count and worrying about her slut status, when in fact they should be more concerned with how Alpha the last guy she broke up with was. For most women, unless she was raped, the guy she loses her virginity to is almost always a default Alpha just by virtue of being the first bang she ever had.

Worry less about how many guy's she's ƒucked and worry more about how you measure up to the last significant Alpha she's ƒucked. It's better to be the first Alpha guy she's been with after 7 chumps than to be a comparative Beta she's with after leaving her only Alpha lover.

Hey man Im reading your blog, its really great and please do references to it its very useful to us here

I strongly agree with what you said here, I would feel threatened less from 10 previous ***** boyfriends than a single top dog before me.
Not only because of the chances of her cheating on me but mostly cause I would be sure to be her benchmark.

Rollo,

I agree completely on the alpha aspect, but notch count also has serious repurcussions on the ability to pair-bond.

The two problems are not mutually exclusive. and thus neither should be focused on at the expense of the other.

Danger has a point too but I think the importance of one or the other depends on the age of the girl, the alpha influence in her past is more heavy on a young girl cause she is still
able to get a alpha, for an old woman its not cause deep down she knows she doesnt have what it takes to get an alpha and keep it so in her case the notch count has a bigger weight than the younger one.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I respectfully disagree.

For obvious reasons Men don't want incorrigible sluts, but that's set apart from a Man's Alpha dominance playing a factor into a woman's fidelity. One of the liabilities of hypergamy is that there is a risk to benefits equation playing in women's hindbrains that assesses what she can potentially lose.

This is a pre-established dread that has to be repressed in order to for a woman to cheat. Women are prone to infidelity with better options, not worse ones. It's a mistake to assume that only notch count is the precursor for infidelity.

 

[5string]

Over the years, I've noticed something that women never really get over: the first man they feel love for.

I have a friend who told me about the first man she ever loved. She told me that she lost her virginity at age 11, but she didn't mind because she loved him.

My first fiancé's first love was the guy she was with before she dated me. She lost her virginity to him at age 13. He treated her like garbage, but she loved him anyway. In her mid-20s, she went back to him and had a baby with him. They're not together anymore.

Men may have the natural instinct to spread their seed around, but I believe the woman has the natural instinct to remain monogamous, especially with the first man who comes along and moves her emotionally.

Disagree Des ol' fella.

When it comes to a womans first time, or her first "true" love, they are just fvckin' stupid. It's always with a guy who is at the right place at the right time. Inherently monogamous? I don't think so. They'll fvck around just as much as men. They just hide it better. You are right I think about a guy who rocks them emotionally though. They'll never forget that dumb b@stard for as long as they live.

I hope science will allow us to one day, fvck with the female genome and turn them into Stepford Wives once and for good.

I'm a bit cranky this AM.

 

[betheman]

Lots of women will recount "the one", the bad boy usually, Ive never heard "the one" described in Beta terms, from lots of women, its is alway a 'bad guy', he doent have to be her first but she had a wild ride with him and it leaves a very deep impression, one which is hard to recover from or from a guys perspective, to better (Im not convinced it can be bettered due to the memories and it being the first time she had the wild ride.)

these women are almost emotionally bound to settle for less than what thye ahd, they will look for the rush of a new realtionship, as the newness and excitement of the early flourish are similar to the alpha from her youth, but they never quite hit the mark.

one of my exes would often talk about a guy she was with for 2 years when she was 18, he was f cucking about all over town, yet she stuck with him, she still spoke about him all these years later with what appeared to be distaste but we all know, you dont stay with someone who abuses your trust in that way unless they are producing the compensatory tingles.
(oh and he was a drug dealer too)

the impact of such a relationship should never be underestimated by a follow up guy, know that the chance of her feeling like that about you is greatly reduced, she will always have the bad a$$ in the back of her mind and you will be compared to that

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Yet statistically, the younger a couple marries the more increased likelihood their marriage will end in divorce:

http://www.divorcerate.org/

If virginity (or low N-count) were a precursor for a successful marriage (as defined by the longevity of marriage) one would think that the opposite would be true, since early marriage would imply less opportunity for sexual experiences.

Why would this be? Statistically, people who marry after the age of 30 – and presumedly have a higher N-count on average than a 20 y.o – are more likely to maintain a successful marriage.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I think an older woman has been through her "fvcking" days and would be more content to settle down as an older woman.
Young girls with only a few partners will always be wondering what they missed out on sexually if they settle down young.

 

[Burroughs]

Danger good dalrock link... I thought this poster comment summed it up nicely...

"The whole issue of age misses the point completely. Divorces are happening because women are incentivized to have them. In a culture where men are not valued as husbands and seen only as sperm donors and sources of child-support, (otherwise men are expendable);divorce is going to happen in large numbers. (LOL, remember the ‘Boring Loyal Dudes’?)

Women divorce because, not only is there no consequences for them to do it, it actually provides them with a ‘golden parachute’ in the form of alimony. Taught from childhood that marriage is ‘enslaving’ and that ‘all men are pigs’—just how do expect them to behave? The fact that women end relationships 90% of the time (including marriage) is proof positive of their contempt for monogamy."

 

[Desdinova]

When it comes to a womans first time, or her first "true" love, they are just fvckin' stupid. It's always with a guy who is at the right place at the right time. Inherently monogamous? I don't think so. They'll fvck around just as much as men.

I don't disagree that women can fvck around just as much (if not MORE) than men. But I'm talking about that very first guy who rocked them emotionally. The fact that they're just fvckin' stupid is what makes them inherently monogamous. If her first guy rocks her emotionally, she's going to stay with him. Once that relationship ends, she's no longer inherently monogamous. She must seek out other men. The more men she seeks out, the more hopeless she becomes on her mission to find 'true love'.

The first man to have a major impact on her is the one who has the greatest shot at keeping her around. Unfortunately, most of the men out there are AFCs. If the first guy is an AFC, he's going to be in danger of NOT being the one with the major impact. I'm willing to bet that the large AFC population and notch count is a significant player in divorce.

I've never read Rollo's last significant alpha theory, but it's really good and I have to agree with it.

Young girls with only a few partners will always be wondering what they missed out on sexually if they settle down young.

I disagree. The woman's logic does not come into play here. It's her emotions that will dictate if she stays with the man or leaves him for someone more 'interesting'. If logic DID come into play, there would be less divorce because women would be marrying all the nice guys.

The fact that women end relationships 90% of the time (including marriage) is proof positive of their contempt for monogamy."

I don't blame the women for their lack of desire to be monogamous, I blame the men for not being masculine enough. As I stated earlier in this post, I believe that the woman's problem arouses from feeling like she's losing her battle searching for Mr. Right. The abundance of boring nice guys do NOT compare to the first guy she fell in love with.

 

[Jitterbug]

Desdinova, I think you made a rather hasty jump from women never forgetting their first love to women's natural instinct to remain monogamous. They are not the same thing.

 

[Burroughs]

I

I don't blame the women for their lack of desire to be monogamous, I blame the men for not being masculine enough. As I stated earlier in this post, I believe that the woman's problem arouses from feeling like she's losing her battle searching for Mr. Right. The abundance of boring nice guys do NOT compare to the first guy she fell in love with.

Since when are a woman's 'feelings' a good gauge of anything

Women's perception of 'mr right' is inherently flawed from the start..vacillating endlessly from amorphous nonsense after amorphous nonsense; fed by media fantasies, novels, opportunists...a culture of the notebook, oprah, the rules, and tyra all making the fattie hb 4 want a 9 dude. So if the chick hb 4 finds a 7 dude and she "FEELS" he's not good enough....'THEN ITS THE DUDES FAULT? Even though he is 3 notches higher.

If a woman can't find mr right in an ocean of maginas then she has only herself to blame...she is obviously not hot enough to grab brad pitt and she can't believe the mirror of a feminized society has lied to her all these years.

 

[SoldMySoul]

Otherwise known as Alpha Widows



It's kind of ironic how much emphasis guys place on a woman's notch count and worrying about her slut status, when in fact they should be more concerned with how Alpha the last guy she broke up with was. For most women, unless she was raped, the guy she loses her virginity to is almost always a default Alpha just by virtue of being the first bang she ever had.

Worry less about how many guy's she's ƒucked and worry more about how you measure up to the last significant Alpha she's ƒucked. It's better to be the first Alpha guy she's been with after 7 chumps than to be a comparative Beta she's with after leaving her only Alpha lover.

Music to my ears Rollo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Nutz]

Yet statistically, the younger a couple marries the more increased likelihood their marriage will end in divorce:

http://www.divorcerate.org/

If virginity (or low N-count) were a precursor for a successful marriage (as defined by the longevity of marriage) one would think that the opposite would be true, since early marriage would imply less opportunity for sexual experiences.

Why would this be? Statistically, people who marry after the age of 30 – and presumedly have a higher N-count on average than a 20 y.o – are more likely to maintain a successful marriage.

I think the main reason marrying young has a high divorce rate is:

A) we incentivize divorce through onerous childmony

B) there's little competition to settle down asap like there once was

C) no-fault divorce

 

[penkitten]

i tried to reply to this thread earlier this week, and even wrote out something concerning falling in love with a boy for the first timeand compared it to falling in love with a man for the first time.
however, it did not convey the message i wanted it to... so i decided to tell you this instead.

when i was a teenage girl, my best friend was ten years to my senior and was happily married with children. only she decided when i started falling in love with the first boy to tell me of her past and all it's details.
apparently it was good to get them off her chest as she told me about the first boy she ever fell in love with and how she still dreamed of him at night. she said she had never really told anyone that before except for her mother who told her that was very common.
over the course of the next 10 years, she still dreams of him and she still only tells me. she dreams they are together and always were and that her children are his and not her husband's. etc etc and she probably still does this but i wouldn't know because we had a falling out many years ago and are no longer friends.

during my lifetime i think i got a different perspective than her on it.
maybe she thinks dreaming of him is still loving him ?
i think dreaming of first loves or anyone you ended a relationship with isn't about whether you still love them or not... i believe it is your subconscious way of dealing with things that are hard... where you are trying to work it all out and move past things without having to reconnect. the dream itself reconnects so that you can deal with whatever insecurities or issues you have that you need to heal from or get straight in your head from so that you can live your life now as a better person.
that way if you had guilt or remorse or regret... it plays it out like a movie you didn't finish and when it is over you can just move past it.

maybe there are lots of other women out there that are like my friend. they won't ever realize that they don't have to cling to that first love just because of a dream. they don't have to fantasize as if they still love that person just as much today as back then.

and that's the weird thing... it isn't just one friend that i know that clings to the first guy they ever fell in love with. it's tons.
in fact, when i was younger i even believed it meant you still loved them. but then i grew up and realized that isn't what it means at all.

so in retrospect, now when i dream of anyone from my past, i always try to treat them kinder than i did way back then.

 

[betheman]

i tried to reply to this thread earlier this week, and even wrote out something concerning falling in love with a boy for the first timeand compared it to falling in love with a man for the first time.
however, it did not convey the message i wanted it to... so i decided to tell you this instead.

when i was a teenage girl, my best friend was ten years to my senior and was happily married with children. only she decided when i started falling in love with the first boy to tell me of her past and all it's details.
apparently it was good to get them off her chest as she told me about the first boy she ever fell in love with and how she still dreamed of him at night. she said she had never really told anyone that before except for her mother who told her that was very common.
over the course of the next 10 years, she still dreams of him and she still only tells me. she dreams they are together and always were and that her children are his and not her husband's. etc etc and she probably still does this but i wouldn't know because we had a falling out many years ago and are no longer friends.

during my lifetime i think i got a different perspective than her on it.
maybe she thinks dreaming of him is still loving him ?
i think dreaming of first loves or anyone you ended a relationship with isn't about whether you still love them or not... i believe it is your subconscious way of dealing with things that are hard... where you are trying to work it all out and move past things without having to reconnect. the dream itself reconnects so that you can deal with whatever insecurities or issues you have that you need to heal from or get straight in your head from so that you can live your life now as a better person.
that way if you had guilt or remorse or regret... it plays it out like a movie you didn't finish and when it is over you can just move past it.

maybe there are lots of other women out there that are like my friend. they won't ever realize that they don't have to cling to that first love just because of a dream. they don't have to fantasize as if they still love that person just as much today as back then.

and that's the weird thing... it isn't just one friend that i know that clings to the first guy they ever fell in love with. it's tons.
in fact, when i was younger i even believed it meant you still loved them. but then i grew up and realized that isn't what it means at all.

so in retrospect, now when i dream of anyone from my past, i always try to treat them kinder than i did way back then.

then what is love if that deep connection you have to the 'first one' isnt love?
I agree with what you describe being very common, I work with lots of women and they all have that gooey eye moment when they let loose their stories of the first one.
its also why I believe it is so difficult to falling love with a woman who has had such experiences, most of them!
I find a lot of women dishonest, not maliciously so but if a woman tells you she loves you, has your children, and yet harbours images of this first one, the dreams and ideal of having him, then she isnt good enough in my opion and the relationship is grounded on fallacy, destined to hit a wall at some point.

 

[Burroughs]

There is a reason why most human cultures since the dawn of time regarded female virginity so highly....they understood the power of imprinting on the female mind...its a truth that western society has all but forgotten...

..A WOMAN CAN ONLY DEEPLY BOND ONCE..

It is a notion the romance novels, and fem nazis refuse to acknowledge. this does not preclude the fact that women are wired to move on (the war brides phenom) if their first man dies or vanishes...but that second, 3rd, 10th love will be a FAR diminished form of the 1st....even if that first was just a lowly gas station attendant with oily hair and levis jacket of age 16 when she was 15.

 

[rum]

And compare that to a man...

my first true "love" was when I was 13-14, head over heels with her...was certain I was going to marry her, would almost shake in her presence. Couldn't take my eyes off of her in class. She was everything to me.

By high school I thought she was kind of cute

2 weeks ago she friend requested me on facebook

I ignored her. That spark died many moons ago

Most guys look at our first and laugh about it. I know I do.