A woman with heavy issues

[klown807]

New here, so obviously need some advice.

Of course there is a woman I am crazy about. I have played it pretty well, after all she is still hanging out with me whenever we get the chance. However she revealed somethings to me that quite frankly bothered me and I am not sure where to take it. A little background she is divorced from her HS boyfriend that she was with 10+years. They tried to get back together that didn't work.

Well the other night we were out with friends and we started having a conversation about the sexes. There was an older woman there (55+) that was going off about young girls having no self-esteem blah blah blah. And this caused her to breakdown. She ran out of the bar crying her eyes out, trying to explain to me that she did nothing wrong with getting back with her ex and when it didn't work he forced himself on her. I calmed her down that night but two nights later she starts telling me all this stuff she does sometimes. Beating the crap out of things in her place, bruising herself etc. She has been going to therapy FYI. So my question is what should be my role in all this? Should I just become the friend now even though I am still completely nuts about her?

 

[jophil28]

Go and read the BPD threads on this board.
Don't argue with me or tell me how special she is and how she is "different", just start reading - URGENTLY.

 

[jophil28]

Dupe post

 

[Die Hard]

So my question is what should be my role in all this? Should I just become the friend now even though I am still completely nuts about her?

Get the fuck away from her, very far and very fast. That won't be easy, it'll cause you emotional pain, but I assure you it's better than the alternative...

As jophil said, read the BPD threads.

 

[boomerick]

Memories.......long ago before I knew about Pook or Antidump and had no clue about BPD I rented a cabin in the mountains for the weekend. I was going to take this AMAZING girl whom I'd met only three weeks prior but it was like we were the 'perfect match'. She was very feminine and smokin hot! The fit of our personalities was incredible as was the wild 'always on' 'anything you want' sex. I felt sooooo lucky like I had scored out of my league. (I'm laughing at myself while writing this)

Anyway, we go out to dinner the first night at a local diner after ride up sex, hiking trail sex, and hot tub sex, all that afternoon....and during dinner I crack an offhand joke about how we're so far out in the country we were probably in 'Deliverance-land'. She asked me what I meant about that and I rattled off some nonsence about the movie and hillfolk and brother-sister incest. You know the "Mom and dad are brother and sister" jokes people make about people in rural areas. KAAAAABOOOOM!!!!!!!! She litterally turned into a lunitic right in front of me like someone had flipped a light switch. She stood up, ENRAGED, cursing and sobbing loudly, stormed out of the resturant and started out of town on the local state route, alone, on foot, at night. No warning, no discussion, no conversation about insensitivity on my part or her early childhood horrors, nothing a normal person might do, just BOOM---up and out she goes.

Now what I should have done was cut my losses, realized that the gods had done me a favor and shown her for what she was (psycho) early before I had really gotten involved, and left her there....BUUUUTTT NOOOO.... I go the total Capt Sav-a-ho route and chase after her and apologised and begged her to get into the truck while she is screaming at me to go F myself. (STUPID CHUMP!!!!) We then spent the rest of that night revisiting her early childhood which (if it was really what she said it was) was horrific---abuse, incest, no daddy etc. The hook was set!

I went into full suplicating chump mode. Mister White F'ing Knight for her Waif. I'll be the guy in her life that will be different. I'll be the one that's better than the others. (HAHAHAHAHAHA what a dumb-ass!!!!) I spent the next 3 months being pushed away, pulled back, walking on eggshells trying to not piss her off, paying for everything, giving up my friends and social life, humiliated publicly, putting up with her intense irrational jealousy, only to be cheated on, literally right in front of me----

Her---"He's just a friend but he was drunk and his car broke down so he spent the night on my couch"

Me---"Yeah, that was last week what about the 3 nights this week and what about your friends telling me you two are dating?"

A month later it was,

Her---"I'm quitting him and comming back to you but I'm letting him down easy. Just be patient."

(Yes I actually bought this sh!t for a while. STUPID!!!!!!!!)

I was destroying my self and my life to 'save' her and solve all her problems. I ended up finally going total 'no contact' and had my truck key scratched for my trouble. What a f'ing deal!!! Many very bad choices on my part.

BACK TO THE OP-----when I read about your incident it was like complete flashback!!!!!!!! Read everything you can about BPD. Maybe you're lucky and she's not, BUT -- maybe she is and you are getting enough of an early warning to safely eject. If so, don't walk, RUN AWAY!!!!.....the gods have smiled on you!

 

[joekerr31]

i agree, you don't want a chic with BPD.

Also, a chic who has been victimized will have sever trust issues and will also have a victim mentality (even if that hasn't blown up in to full BPD).

but I will say this.... you don't have to worry about any of that **** if you use a simple rule... which is... as long as she is having a positive role in your life then things are fine.

and as long as her issues are her issues... and she doesn't use them as an excuse to treat you like ****... then there's no need to walk away.

but the MOMENT she starts treating you badly, you've got to cut loose.

just because someone else was abused doesn't give them the right to abuse you.

it's as simple as that.

 

[klown807]

Wow great stuff. I was trying the search function using trauma, rape, disturbed lol and was having absolutely no luck with the threads. BPD brought up exactly the information that I was looking for. Already on page 4! Since I'm obvioulsy new is there like a glossary for the abbreviations or the general lingo used here? Most I can figure out but I have no clue where to begin with things like ACOA, cluster B etc.

Anyway I think I found this out soon enough and things will be fine. We have been friends before I developed actual feelings for her because I know she had issues with men. I don't think she is as bad as some of the stories I've read so far. She told me before that she had issues and wasn't ready for a real relationship. I just had no clue what those issues were until recently. We both have seen other people since that talk and have been OK with that. The other night just completely took me by surprise but I am going to dismiss it as an attempt by her to pull me in some more. Thanks again for your help, going to continue reading that thread.

 

[boomerick]

Do google searches too! There's a lot of BPD stuff on the internet.

 

[jophil28]

The other night just completely took me by surprise but I am going to dismiss it as an attempt by her to pull me in some more.

And you interpret that as a sure sign that she wants you in her life because she is attracted to you as a woman is to a man ?

 

[boomerick]

Throwing tantrums in public self abuse and therapy = positive force in YOUR life? How?

Look at your OP second sentence. You say that you are "crazy about" her. Sounds to me like you need to distance yourself and get some perspective. If you are crazy about anything you are not thinking rationally about what is good for you. You sound like you are already too emotionally involved which can be dangerous.

ALSO.... if she turns out to be a Cluster-B....and you become involved with her you will find out exponentionally how "crazy about" her you can make yourself.

 

[klown807]

Uh, looks like I didn't refresh the page before my last post so clarifying somethings.

What joker said wasn't there when I posted. I wasn't responding to him and wasn't saying any of what she did that night was a positive.

My "The other night just completely took me by surprise but I am going to dismiss it as an attempt by her to pull me in some more." comment was in agreement with what I have been reading in the BPD thread. That she was trying to screw with my head.

 

[Desert Fox]

you cannot save women like this.

gut react MIGHT be to save her.

You can't.

it's not worth it.

Say to her, "I think you have some things to work out and we should take some time off. We should go our separate ways from now on. It's been nice."

The end. Except by some time off you mean you never see her again. Get away as far as you can.

 

[Nutz]

New here, so obviously need some advice.

Of course there is a woman I am crazy about. I have played it pretty well, after all she is still hanging out with me whenever we get the chance. However she revealed somethings to me that quite frankly bothered me and I am not sure where to take it. A little background she is divorced from her HS boyfriend that she was with 10+years. They tried to get back together that didn't work.

Well the other night we were out with friends and we started having a conversation about the sexes. There was an older woman there (55+) that was going off about young girls having no self-esteem blah blah blah. And this caused her to breakdown. She ran out of the bar crying her eyes out, trying to explain to me that she did nothing wrong with getting back with her ex and when it didn't work he forced himself on her. I calmed her down that night but two nights later she starts telling me all this stuff she does sometimes. Beating the crap out of things in her place, bruising herself etc. She has been going to therapy FYI. So my question is what should be my role in all this? Should I just become the friend now even though I am still completely nuts about her?

Your role in all this is to back away slowly and run as fast as you can. She's damaged goods, a nutjob, and is not relationship material. Maybe one day in the future she'll get it together but from the sounds of it stay far far away.

 

[Colossus]

Let me tell you buddy--you are already crazy for her. This girl is going to suck you into her world so deep that her sh!t will become your sh!t. Issues like that dont just go away. I can speak from experience with a girl who had been horribly abused. Deep, dark waters.

For your own mental health cut ties now.

 

[Luthor Rex]

So my question is what should be my role in all this?

Your roll is to get in your car, drive away, and change your phone number if you need to.

You're not her therapist, you're not a white knight, you can't save her from herself.

Spare yourself a sh!tload of heartache and walk away.

 

[klown807]

I appreciate all the advice. You guys have no idea how helpful the BPD thread was to me. As I stated in that thread it was the most informative thread that I have ever read on the internet. I'm still looking up and reading up on the subject. But I don't see the sheer hateful actions that were portrayed in that thread coming into light in my scenario.

We have been friends for 4 years with only this last year I have developed feelings for her. I knew from knowing her past that she had issues, she had told me so, as well as her girlfriends. I am not that naive in the situation as I have walked away from headcases in the past. One girl threatened suicide with me before because I didn't put up with her daddy issues. While on suicide watch she threatened to attempt it again because I specifically didn't come and see her. I walked the fvck out of her life and I am sure I can do the same here if need be.

Not trying to establish some prison mentality here about being the new kid on the block. But I think if I can dissassociate myself from my own abusive parents I can walk away from her if need be. Seriously I appreciate the looking out, the pointing out of BPD which I was clueless about but I am going to do this my way. I have no problem crawling back with my tail between the legs if it all turns up sour.

 

[squirrels]

So my question is what should be my role in all this? Should I just become the friend now even though I am still completely nuts about her?

If you care about her, a trusted friend and a shoulder. A PLATONIC friend.

You are NOT being ANY help to such a woman by getting romantically involved with her...you are no use to her if your OWN feelings are wrapped up in it, because she will drag you down with her.

I'm not saying it's a complete no-go...see how the therapy goes. Many women continue to be victims, instead of survivors, after an incident like this. Many more start to USE their status as "victims" to manipulate people...especially men.

Keep an eye out for "red flags" with physical intimacy...many women who were raped have a problem with detaching or discomfort when making love.

The other big potential red-flag for her would be her breaking down emotionally when she doesn't get her way, crying about the bad things that have happened to her, trying to convince you that she "deserves better". This is an attempt at playing your heart-strings to manipulate your behavior.

Either of those two show up...I'd recommend distancing yourself romantically.