A Strategy For Dealing With Her Exes & Orbitors

[The Duke]

I agree with all of this. At the same time, is it possible our strategy in this situation should rather be to rekindle the spark than to withdraw or overtly mention it? I am rethinking everything we know to be true because the rules have changed since they were established several decades ago.

Thats a very mature thought! Impressive. You might be onto something. I have no idea how to do it, other than break up with them and let some time go by then re-attempt a relationship. I've done this 2 times with high interest LTR's.

The first one told me I hurt her so bad the first time I broke up with her that even attempting something a 2nd time scared her to death and she was extremely leery of me. I worked on her for 3months off and on trying to rekindle a romance and was on my best behavior but finally gave up. More patience and i probably could have convinced her but knowing how bad I hurt her gave me 2nd thoughts.

The 2nd one lived with me. I kicked her out. Made her get her own place and figure herself out. She went to counseling, read relationship, self improvement books every night, and really improved while she was away. Bless her little heart. The romance got rekindled and I let her move back in. But the romance was short lived because I became her counselor and it destroyed all sexual desire I had for her. (Don't ever be their counselor, there is a reason the pro's say this! Its changes the dynamics of the relationship.)

I did try to get some sort of relationship/friendship rekindled after my exwife and I divorced. It never happened.....until a few years later after she realized what she lost. by that time I was knee deep in poontang and wasn't interested.

You know the old saying..........for a woman to love you, she first must miss you. Its been very true for me. I think rekindling a romance while not officially ending it would be very difficult. But I am all ears. I could see it maybe working if a guy was beta/lazy which caused her tingles to fade then he was able to rekindle things after transforming into something more masculine.

 

[resilient]

I resonated with what you wrote above @Howiestern. I've written about it other threads before. I was the one that let my career slack and I became a homebody. I stopped going out with guys. I stopped hitting the gym. I didn't get fat, yet I lost the tone muscle. I started reading self-help and relationship books like "Boundaries" or "The 5 Love Languages". It was all focused on meeting her needs. I didn't see her change when I started to change. I called this "chasing the carrot" syndrome. If I improved just enough, I could win back her affection and interest level. If I could remember things she said better. If I could remember to do something without being reminded... show more of an initiative without her suggesting it, I could raise interest level. It didn't work and she found something else to nitpick. She didn't acknowledge or appreciate how hard I was trying. She started to take other interest in men at work and in online gaming and gaming/social apps where she got immediate attention and validation from other men.

As men, we have to take charge of the relationship and lead with a healthy mix of romance so she doesn't feel taken for granted. I do believe we shouldn't do 100% of the work in the LTR though. It cliche, yet it takes two to tango. What is she doing to game you and keep you interested? If she turned the sex valve off or isn't bothering to eat or stay healthy herself, we're going to lose attraction too.

I could also relate to what you said about when your ex moved back in. The dynamics changed and you felt like a "parent" to her as a counselor for lack of better terms. That could easily kill attraction because you're not seeing her as an equal partner, yet as someone you have to help and rescue.

Some of the threads here have mentioned knowledge of her knowing you could easily get plates if you walked out changes your demeanor into IDGAF. Even better if she sees women openly flirt with you in front of you or casually drop names briefly in convo.

Other methods would be to rise up in your career. Get a promotion. Get a new job. Get a raise. Get a certificate, continuing education, whatever that adds value to your career and prestige that you can brag about without bragging.

When we stall out in our careers and life in general, we're responsible for our own self and it's natural for a woman to lose attraction while we go through our peak and valley to sort our life out.

 

[Roober]

The last time I dealt with this kind of an issue was with a girl that I really enjoyed and dated for about 6months.
Around month 4 she started talking more frequently to her 4 orbiters. One of them was an exboyfriend but a major beta chump. I wasn't worried that she would have sechs with him, but in a LTR I don't feel its ok for my girl to turn to other men to get her need for attention met. I need to be the one and only she is having serious/ongoing conversations with. Its how women connect/bond and stay that way.

After catching her texting him on multiple occasions, I explained my thoughts to her. She understood and we were good for a few weeks. Then it was back to how it was. This time I told her it was highly disrespectful but she didn't want to hear it. It was the beginning of the end for me.

It told me that her interest in me was quickly declining. It told me she needs regular validation from multiple men. It told me at the core she was insecure about who she was(although she was confident everywhere else in her life). It told me she was irrational and didn't care about my feelings. These are hallmarks of someone with low self esteem that don't make good long term partners.

There are girls out there that make better long term candidates than the one LL mentioned. As a guy you can't control what they do. Sure you can play games but it will wear you down and you'll lose anyways. Your only strategy is to leave.

A good woman makes your di_k hard, not your life.

Great explanation. You shouldn't have to set deliberate boundaries, but a good woman will understand that her actions are not acceptable. When a woman doesn't align with good values, the next course of action is fairly obvious.

 

[Spaz]

You nailed it! Sooo depressed. Got a promotion and pay increase in June. All my family members are healthy and thriving. Have a solid social circle of doers who i respect and respect me. I just turned 40 this year and the three women I'm actively fvcking are 19, 19 and 22 and meeting a handful of new prospects weekly. To top it off, I'm putting in minimal effort in rural America in a town with a pop of about 15k. Your perception couldn't be further from reality there, little guy.

If u r an out of town guy moving into a town of 15k, you'll hv instant celebrity status amongst the womenfolk.

It gets worst when the town boys reacts to this and r openly hostile towards you, that's going to make all the women, married or otherwise having plenty wet fantasies...

Eager beavers.

 

[zekko]

You shouldn't have to set deliberate boundaries, but a good woman will understand that her actions are not acceptable.

In many (maybe most) cases setting deliberate boundaries is not necessary. But there is nothing inherently wrong with having friends of the opposite gender. Many couples have different philosophies on this, and many men on this site have different philosophies on it. Some say that if a woman has real interest in you, she will drop her male friends, but this is not necessarily so. I know many long standing, successful marriages where both spouses maintain close friendships with the opposite gender. Others would not tolerate this. Neither is necessarily right or wrong.

I maintain that couples need to work out what is acceptable among themselves. Many people are willing to adapt to the other person's point of view for the good of the relationship. But I reject the idea that a "good" woman will know the "right" thing to do (whatever that may be) by some form of mental telepathy, because not even all men will agree what the right thing is. Not all subjects are a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of preference. How you deal with friends of the opposite gender, and where exactly you draw the line is one of those things.

For example, is it appropriate to have a friend of the opposite gender on Facebook? Is it appropriate to text them? Is it okay to talk on the phone with them? Is it okay to invite them to a party you are throwing? Is it okay to have lunch with them in a group? Is it okay to have lunch with them on their own? Is it okay to go out for drinks with them? Is it okay if they flirt a bit? Is it okay if they hug? How about a friendly goodbye kiss? Look at Hollywood stars, they greet each other with a kiss all the time, married or not. Is it okay if they spend time at each other's house? Is it okay if they play a video game in the bedroom? Is it okay if they sleep together? Is it okay if they have sex?

Point is, the line must be drawn somewhere, but there is no morally right or wrong answer on where that line is. People will disagree on what in the above paragraph is inappropriate. Couples need to decide that among themselves, it isn't simply a matter of "a good woman will know".

 

[AttackFormation]

In many (maybe most) cases setting deliberate boundaries is not necessary. But there is nothing inherently wrong with having friends of the opposite gender. Many couples have different philosophies on this, and many men on this site have different philosophies on it. Some say that if a woman has real interest in you, she will drop her male friends, but this is not necessarily so. I know many long standing, successful marriages where both spouses maintain close friendships with the opposite gender. Others would not tolerate this. Neither is necessarily right or wrong.

I maintain that couples need to work out what is acceptable among themselves. Many people are willing to adapt to the other person's point of view for the good of the relationship. But I reject the idea that a "good" woman will know the "right" thing to do (whatever that may be) by some form of mental telepathy, because not even all men will agree what the right thing is. Not all subjects are a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of preference. How you deal with friends of the opposite gender, and where exactly you draw the line is one of those things.

For example, is it appropriate to have a friend of the opposite gender on Facebook? Is it appropriate to text them? Is it okay to talk on the phone with them? Is it okay to invite them to a party you are throwing? Is it okay to have lunch with them in a group? Is it okay to have lunch with them on their own? Is it okay to go out for drinks with them? Is it okay if they flirt a bit? Is it okay if they hug? How about a friendly goodbye kiss? Look at Hollywood stars, they greet each other with a kiss all the time, married or not. Is it okay if they spend time at each other's house? Is it okay if they play a video game in the bedroom? Is it okay if they sleep together? Is it okay if they have sex?

Point is, the line must be drawn somewhere, but there is no morally right or wrong answer on where that line is. People will disagree on what in the above paragraph is inappropriate. Couples need to decide that among themselves, it isn't simply a matter of "a good woman will know".

This isn't an easy question to answer. No one wants to feel like they are paranoid and controlling.

I've started writing and then erased several different trains of thought at this point, haha. This is a hard subject to write about. The last thing I was going to say was that I don't mind superficial orbiting, like having guys on facebook, texting with them... but then my mind created an image of a girl sitting on a sofa texting some guy and as I was going to proceed to the other examples my mind asked me, why is she texting a guy? My gut answered it for me with a strong sense of aversion to that scenario before I could come up with any words to reply. And then I had to end that train of thought too.

I was going to finish with it being about feeling whether you're the #1 man on her mind and your gut feels you can trust her. But again I thought back to her sitting on a sofa and texting, and I erased it. It's not something I reason about and conclude mentally, I just keep feeling the visceral sense that her sitting there texting other men is wrong. I wouldn't be angry, I would simply disengage from her.

And now, I was going to end it with: If she maintains personal, leisure relationships with other men, I feel it's them she should be in a relationship with, not me. But then my mind thought to her playing tennis with a man. This scenario didn't seem to trouble my gut very much. If they both like tennis and there's no one else in the area who wants to join them, why not? And after that I thought what if it was her and a man going swimming together, which immediately fired off that sense of error again as with the texting. I don't actually know why my gut reacted differently, but if I'm going to guess... swimming is obviously more sexual and unlike tennis, doesn't require another person to do, nor for that other person to be interested in swimming itself. Swimming would be more than simply a coincidental and conveniently shared hobby, and more explicitly a date activity.

The best prospective conclusion I think I can make right now is that at some point, a behavior gets sexual or personal enough that you start to question which man she really feels for. But that still doesn't give a general definition for that point "philosophically". All I could do so far was get impressed on by my gut, and try to explain what I think it feels.

This is great... great post zekko.

 

[Macaframalama]

If u r an out of town guy moving into a town of 15k, you'll hv instant celebrity status amongst the womenfolk.

It gets worst when the town boys reacts to this and r openly hostile towards you, that's going to make all the women, married or otherwise having plenty wet fantasies...

Eager beavers.

Ya, the friends I've had, that moved here from out of town slayed. Unfortunately, I've been raised in the area all of my life. I do pretty well in the party/bar scene with the younger women and the occasional goody two shoes tired of their monotonous lifestyle looking for a change of pace. I know my lane and what kind of women i attract, but i cast a wide net and hedge my bets, you never know. I do good in surrounding, bigger cities so i can relate to the "new guy in town". Just not to the extent of actually living there and getting the opportunity to mack there day in, day out. I couldn't handle the rat race anyways, so it is what it is. Lol.