A real challenge for you experts.

[reasonpolice]

First, some details about myself:
I am 6'6" 240 pounds, not really fat, just have a little gut. I pride myself on my common sense and understanding of the world, I'm pretty cynical, and have a really good sense of humor. I have a decent amount of friends, I go out pretty often, etc. I live a pretty normal life. The girl in question has told me I am "cute" on several occasions. Unfortunately, I live in a really really boring area where everyone is a douche bag (Except me it seems) and there's literally nothing fun to do and no place fun to go, so date options are pretty lame.

Aright, here's the deal with the girl:

I am pretty sure I hold the world record for being the farthest into the friend zone than any guy has ever been. The embarrassing part about this is that I screwed it up right off the bat... and continued to for like 6 years. I've pretty much done everything wrong you can possibly imagine. There were many times when we "ended" it on bad terms and didn't talk for months at a time. The most recent time we fought, we didn't talk for almost a year, but then I got a letter in the mail from her, saying she just can't live without me and that I'm the only one who listens to/understands her. Unfortunately, in that letter she also said "best ****ing friend in the world." My heart sank just as quickly as it rose. So I said **** it, whatever, maybe I can just be friends with this girl. So we've been talking again for more than a month now. Also, she has been wanting to hang out with me a lot more than before our last fight. We have talked over our situation, and she definitely knows how I feel about her. So as it stands now, we're just friends, but she knows I'm suffering.

First: I can definitely control myself and show her that I don't need her, I have friends that I can hang out with all the time, and I'm comfortable with chilling at my house by myself too. I need some ideas for activities that we can do together that anyone can do anywhere.

Second: She has a half boyfriend that she says she loves but he's an insensitive douche that doesn't give half a **** what she says (surprising, right). How should I react if this ever comes up in a conversation?

Last: ANY AND ALL advice on the situation would be greatly appreciated! (as long as it's constructive)

Bonus question: If someone can answer this tonight, that would be excellent. We have plans tomorrow to go to olive garden - just us. What are some things I can say or do to start to turn this wreck to my favor and set myself down the long ass path to a real relationship?

Thanks in advance to anyone cool enough to read this 5 page post.

 

[horaholic]

Answer: game other women. You will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER get together with her, and to keep trying is to drive yourself crazy, and miss out on opportunities with other girls. I've been there. I have a 'sister,' that i wasted years of my life pining over. She is the biggest reason I was so afc. You need to limit, or cut contact with this girl, and move on with your life. She is holding you back from what you deserve. Every day on here, new people sign up here, posting the same story. I have yet to read an update of them actually getting 'the one.' Click my signature, and read up. You need to focus on SEVERAL women, and never just one, or you become her slave, to put it in a nutshell.

BTW, ther is always fun things to do with a woman if you be creative. That creativity is also what will attract them. You need to go somewhere with a supply of chicks though. That is a main point.

Dont think about how to get this girl. Think about how to get this girl out of your head. I cant stress this enough.

You might want to consider telling her that being just friends is driving you crazy, and it would be in your best interest to not hang out very often. After 6 years, you really shouldnt totally cut her out of your life, but you can put distance between you, so you can focus on yourself. You also need to understand that your 'freindship' with this chick is a sham, on your part, because you have ulterior motives. You dont need to apologize, or anything, but you should recognize that as a fact.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

Thanks in advance to anyone cool enough to read this 5 page post.

Don't. Don't. Don't.

No one here or anywhere can recover from that. Get her out of your life.

You're a girlfriend/sister when bad weather is happening. That's all it will ever be.

And, as far as

Second: She has a half boyfriend that she says she loves but he's an insensitive douche that doesn't give half a **** what she says (surprising, right). How should I react if this ever comes up in a conversation?

...she's ****ing his brains out (we're talking furniture damage) and she's talking to you when she's recovering and getting energy for the next "bumping uglies". Really, I'm not being a ****, that's what's going on. He didn't **** up and is getting all the icing on the cake while you're taking care of "sensitive" crap FOR HIM. Really, you're helping him get more wild and crazy sex from her, this is a fact.

Game over, she was gone long ago, get her out of your life and learn from this. This isn't about her, or her being "wrong" from your projections. It's about your actions/reactions. Get over it and EVOLVE yourself.

 

[Igetit!]

Aright, here's the deal with the girl:

I am pretty sure I hold the world record for being the farthest into the friend zone than any guy has ever been. The embarrassing part about this is that I screwed it up right off the bat... and continued to for like 6 years.

Well,let me start off by saying...umm,well...how should I put this???


Reasonpolice...this is pure foolishness.


I believe that EVERY GUY HERE has been friendzoned by a girl at some point in their lives,but to still be stuck trying to get the girl AFTER 6 YEARS?


That's just plain ridiculous.

I've pretty much done everything wrong you can possibly imagine.

And that's not the bad part.

The bad part of all this is you're STILL CONTINUING to make these errors NOW,in the present...AND HAVE PLANS TO MAKE THEM TOMORROW.

There were many times when we "ended" it on bad terms and didn't talk for months at a time.

You'll have to forgive my ignorance here,but when you say that you two have ended "it",uhh,what EXACTLY does that mean?

What "it"? You never dated the girl. There was never any relationship.

What do you mean by "it"?

We have talked over our situation, and she definitely knows how I feel about her.

So she knows how you feel about her because you made that clear when you two talked about the "situation".


She knows how you feel. Well,do you know how she feels about you?

Don't tell me you had this conversation where you revealed all your feelings for her ONLY,and she didn't reveal anything about how she feels about you.


No one-sided conversations please.


So after you told her how you felt about her,what did she say about how she felt about you?

So as it stands now, we're just friends, but she knows I'm suffering.

I believe you when you say you're suffering,now here's the crazy part...


It's YOU who's causing YOUR OWN SUFFERING.


What,you thought all she had to do was say yes to dating you then everything would be ok? LOL,that's a good one. :crackup:

Not quite that simple,my friend.

But lately, I am seriously going through like spiraling ****storms of depression on and off randomly. It's not really affecting my daily life too much but **** it sucks.

Yeah,this is what I meant when I said that YOU are causing your OWN suffering.


Sometimes you need to know when to say when.

And after 6 years,uhh...it's about time.

I need some suggestions on how to look at this situation in order to straighten myself out and get some resolve if I'm ever going to get this girl.

My first suggestion would be to understand that you're NOT GOING TO GET THIS GIRL.


This is so dead it's ridiculous.

You don't even realize what's going on here.

It seems like everything this girl does or says is being misinterpeted by you as interest.


The proof is in the pudding. If she were REALLY interested in you,you think it'd take 6 YEARS to have a first date,or form a relationship?

That's just plain stupid.

Second: I can definitely control myself and show her that I don't need her

Oh please,who do you think you're kidding?

You can control yourself? Dude,if you could control yourself you wouldn't still be hung up on this girl after half a decade has passed.


If you want to get any help from this forum,you need to be honest.

I need some ideas for activities that we can do together that anyone can do anywhere.

Activities WE can do? Who is "we"?

Don't you think you're jumping the gun here?

You're trying to get ideas about fun things to do with a girl whofor the past 6 YEARS has refused to date you.


You don't understand. This is another one of those "mistakes in the book" you spoke of earlier,and you don't even see it.

Third: She has a half boyfriend that she says she loves but he's an insensitive douche that doesn't give half a **** what she says (surprising, right). How should I react if this ever comes up in a conversation?

Hmmm.

So you're taking out a girl who not only has rejected you for OVER half a decade,but who ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND.


And you say he's "half" a boyfriend. Yeah,and it seems you're the other half.

He's the half that has sex with her,and you're the half she tells all her emotional problems to and cries to you about all the things this other guy does.

We have plans tomorrow to go to olive garden - just us. What are some things I can say or do to start to turn this wreck to my favor and set myself down the long ass path to a real relationship?.

There isn't anything you can say.

How can a few "lines" from us erase 6 years of being in the friendzone with a girl?

This is real life,not the movies.


You don't always get the girl,and this happens to be one of those times.



Horaholic,That MysteriuosGuy...

I'm glad you guys chimed in here,and said what you said.


I'm too tired go into detail about all the things this guy did wrong.

 

[reasonpolice]

Mhm, I'm reading all this "bible" stuff right now. Most of what I'm reading I already know and understand. I have this mentality already, it's just this one girl that drives me crazy!

I pretty much expected what you have all said, that it's hopeless, that it will never happen. I understand everything you guys are saying, and thanks.

I have tried "gaming other women." I have been in other relationships, but this girl is always in the back of my mind.

I am not going to cut this girl out of my life but I will definitely be more distant with her.

I want you guys to understand, I'm not looking for any magic bullet here, I know this is going to take time. Like I said I have been dating around and such, but I'll be damned if I die without getting this girl eventually. I know that this mentality clearly breaks every "rule" but whatever, I'm not here to play by the rules. I'm telling you how it is, and want to get advice according to MY situation.

 

[Igetit!]

I am not going to cut this girl out of my life but I will definitely be more distant with her.

Well we already knew you wouldn't cut her out of your life.

We know 6 years of chasing a girl won't come to an end simply because 2 or 3 replies on a anonymus forum.

You want to chase her,chase her. It won't phase us one way or another.

We're not the ones "suffering" over this.


And this plan of yours to become "distant" to her,you've already done that.

You two went a year without speaking,remember?

But if you think doing the same thing you've already done and failed with will somehow work this time,have at it.

I want you guys to understand, I'm not looking for any magic bullet here

Yes you are. The only one you're decieving here is yourself,we already know better.

You'd get a whole lot farther if you'd stop trying to fool people and just be straight up with everyone.

I know this is going to take time.

Well,you're at 6 years...and counting. :crackup:

Like I said I have been dating around and such, but I'll be damned if I die without getting this girl eventually.

Then you'll be damned then,because you're not getting her.

Your current results are MY witness.

I'm not here to play by the rules.

I know. You're here seeking that "magic bullet".

I'm telling you how it is, and want to get advice according to MY situation.

No you don't.

You want someone here to say you still have a chance with this girl.

You want to get advice to help make this "fantasy" of you and this girl being together come true.


Well there's 60,000 members here,so if you look hard enough I'm sure you'll find someone to give you some type of advice YOU'D LIKE to hear.


Unfortunately,most of us deal in reality.


So don't give up,keep the faith.



It's only been 6 years.

Come back at the 10 year mark and let us know how things have progressed.

 

[1337]

dude listen to igetit, hes right. Osama bin laden has a better chance of getting with her than you. No actually she would rather date him over you. She only sees you as a best friend nothing beyond that your wasting time. Judging from your post its seems like your mind is in denial seeking for comfort and has formed an identity with getting this girl.Staying friends with her with hidden intentions of forming a relationship later is evil.Your better off pulling no contact and dropping from her existence, and getting other better girls. Accept the dire situation that it will never work out, don't resist, and simply move on with the flow of life. If you continue to pursue her you will wound up like golem from lord of the rings.

 

[reasonpolice]

Igetit: And exactly where do you get off turning people's words against them? You have done nothing but pick out individual phrases I have typed and jumped to conclusions. You know nothing more about the situation than someone who has never read this post, so don't give me your bull**** about hopelessness and giving up. If you were really out to help people you'd want to know more about the situation to give you a better understanding on what advice to give, even if that advice turned out to be to give up. You're just here pretending to be some be some big shot know it all so you can feel better about yourself. For all anyone knows your situation is worse than mine. Way to talk big on the internet.

1337: What do you think telling Osama Bin Laden has a better chance does for my situation?

If you all really want to know, if I just cut her out of my life now, she would very very likely take a very serious turn for the worse. It would ruin her life and probably kill her, and I'm not about to do that to someone.

Now, does anyone have anything helpful to say?

 

[SharinganUser]

You can't get this girl. Not now, not ever. Move on and date newer and better women.

This woman is not that special. Would you really want to date a woman that has a half boyfriend? What exactly is a half boyfriend? I've never heard that term before.

 

[reasonpolice]

Her ex that shes still friends with, and like previous posts have stated, probably still getting her brains ****ed out by.

 

[SharinganUser]

If you all really want to know, if I just cut her out of my life now, she would very very likely take a very serious turn for the worse. It would ruin her life and probably kill her, and I'm not about to do that to someone.

Now, does anyone have anything helpful to say?

I highly doubt that she'll commit suicide just because you stop talking to her. She didn't kill herself when you stoped talking last time.


Everyone here is just trying to give you a hard dose of reality. You keep talking about your situation and asking how you can improve it. But you ignore us when we say that the ONLY way the situation is going to improve is if you cut her out of your life completely.

Trust me, I've been LBFJ'd before, the best thing you can do is move on and forget about her.

 

[1337]

"If you all really want to know, if I just cut her out of my life now, she would very very likely take a very serious turn for the worse. It would ruin her life and probably kill her, and I'm not about to do that to someone."

Ok if your that important to her lol... why isn't she with you? She rather be with the "half boyfriend" while using you as an emotional punching bag. Igetit knows what hes talking, about your being too defensive. Lay down your guard and take time to ponder with no resistance. Your attached to her right now we understand its 6 years, its long but your only fooling yourself into self destruction. Your just her emotional tampon, once used she will go out and get a new one.

That bin laden comparison was to show you where you stand in getting a relationship with her.

 

[reasonpolice]

Ok well, since I clearly have nothing to lose with her because I've already lost her, I am not going to just say "hey **** you bye forever." I'm just gonna be more distant with her and give her the choice to either hang out with me on my time or not at all. I will work on becoming less attached to her, and treat it like an experiment.

 

[1337]

sounds like a good plan, honestly thats the best solution for your situation. As long as you don't have hidden intentions or hopes or fantasies of progress with her you should be fine. Trust me dude after a while she won't matter to you, and you wouldn't care anymore, thats when you see everything else the world has to offer you.

 

[reasonpolice]

Yeah, you know I was actually completely fine until she sent me that god damn letter. She made it seem like she needed me so badly and thats what reeled me back in and opened up old wounds. ****. I suppose I'll bookmark this site and stick around.

And if Igetit is so good, maybe I'll talk to him when he's off his period

I highly doubt that she'll commit suicide just because you stop talking to her. She didn't kill herself when you stoped talking last time.

I don't mean suicide. She was into drugs when she was younger, and has told me she still has urges. Her parents don't give a **** about her and her friends give even less of a **** than that. The ****tiest thing for me to do would be to cut her off now, that would make me a real genuine jerk.

 

[schttrj]

Here's the deal -

If you think you can persist, stay on as you are but just make her see other sides of you as well (in other words, more sexual side of you!), use jealousy plot line, flirt with her a bit but be her friend that listens and understands her.

If you think you cannot persist, leave it..there are other fish in the pool.

 

[Igetit!]

Yeah, you know I was actually completely fine until she sent me that god damn letter. She made it seem like she needed me so badly and thats what reeled me back in and opened up old wounds. ****. I suppose I'll bookmark this site and stick around.

Yeah,stick around for a while.

After reading a few posts and seeing everyone's replies,you'll finally understand what's going on here with you and this girl.


I'm hoping someone else with chime in and really give you the nuts and bolts to really help you see what's happening here.



I could do it,but it's almost 5am where I am right now,and I don't feel like diving deep off into it.

And if Igetit is so good, maybe I'll talk to him when he's off his period

When I'm off my period,huh?

I'm too tired to argue man,you win.


Just understand this:I had to go rough on you.

Anybody who's been stuck on ONE GIRL for 6 YEARS needs to be shook to help him snap out of it.



When everything thing gets laid out to where you can see it for yourself,you're going to feel STUPID.


You'll feel stupid because you'll feel taken advantage of,you'll understand WHY you were never able to get her,and you'll kick yourself when you look back at all the time you wasted.


You didn't just recently blow your chances with her,they were blow over 5 and a half years ago.



It's just taken you this long to realize it because you were distracted by the things she's done and said that YOU THOUGHT was signs of interests.

I don't mean suicide. She was into drugs when she was younger, and has told me she still has urges.

See this is what I mean. I know you mean well and have good intentions,but this (above) is another "mistake" which you don't see.



If she has a problems with drugs or the urge for drugs,she need to go to a professional to help her out.


You CAN'T DO IT AND have a sexual interest in her at the same time because HER EMOTIONS WON'T ALLOW YOU do it.



I've said this a thousand times:if there were a "TOP TEN" list of things never to do with a girl you like,being her therapist ranks #2.



You can't be her lover and her therapist. You have to chose what role you want to be in her life,and stick with it.




If you want to "help her" with her problems and issues,then EMOTIONALLY,she'll bond to you that way.



If you want a sexual relationship,then EMOTIONALLY,she'll bond to you that way.



Don't just glance over that word "bond".


Think of putting super glue on your forefinger and thumb,then pressing them together.


It seals. It bonds.


And once it's like that,it stays. You basically have to rip the skin off your fingers to separate them.




Well if you "bond" as her therapist,you'll have one heck of a time trying to break that bond in order to form a sexual one.




That's why this thing has gone on for 6 years.

You've bonded as friends,as someone who tries to help her.

And now you're trying to remove that bond and form another.



If you wanted to date her,you should have let her know from the beginning.

Even if she had said no,if you would have just let her alone,you'd be better off than continuing to hang around her.



But all that doesn't matter now.


You two are friends. THAT'S YOUR "BOND". Has been for 6 years and continues til this day.

Her parents don't give a **** about her and her friends give even less of a **** than that. The ****tiest thing for me to do would be to cut her off now, that would make me a real genuine jerk.

Well,like I said,I'm tired and I don't remember if I said you should cut off all contact or not,but I don't think I did.


To me,contact or no contact isn't the issue.

I think you should just stop pursuing her.


If you don't want to remove yourself from her life,then fine keep her around,but STOP TRYING TO DATE HER.


You seem to be so concerned with her well-being. Ok,then help her out if you can. Just know that being her therapist means you can't date her.

 

[randomshinichi]

Hey reasonpolice, I was in the same boat as you. Hung up on this same girl for 6 years, and I almost overlooked another hottie who was into me just because I was looking in the other direction.

I was too scared to try a thing with this girl. Before I knew I was in the same room with her while she just wrote a note to my friend saying that she was in love with him. As she dashed out of the room to hand it to him I just sat there, dazed. And totally ****ed.

But the tragedy doesn't end there. No sirree. You see I had this beautiful mental trap going on where each time I got hurt watching her with that friend who frankly didn't like her that much it would make my idea of "love" that much more painful and beautiful, because I was in love with her and she was into someone else. Looking back, I wasn't in love. I was obssessed with this mental game of mine, trying to make my "love experience" as bittersweet and beautiful as possible, because she was also a good friend.

I finally got over her a year ago. And I have to say, I felt much better. An invisible weight was gone, just by the act of losing the pencil case that she had given to me as a birthday present. I hadn't seen her for almost a year then, which is why right after I lost the pencil case (the next day) I was free of its spell.

You don't want to be there again. I'm adopting a habit where I ask at least one girl out each week. I've already trained myself to look other people in the eye naturally and talk to women without fear, but there's still such a long way to go for me.

Nevertheless, I'm getting results even when I'm a really skinny guy. And I see the hottie that I met from many years back, back when I was in "love" with that other girl, and I look on the street and see all the beautiful women Germany has to offer, and I realize just how much time I've lost.

 

[DonGorgon]

Go out and get 10 phone numbers and try to F those women as quick and cheaply as you can..

You are too wrapped up in this girl and she has a F buddy that she likes more than he likes her... You are her plaything..

When a woman says you are cute it has two meaning based on wether she is planning on Fing you or not:

1. She thinks you are physically attractive and a sexual turn on

2. she thinks you are cute to talk to in a child like sense and does not find you arousing at all..

 

[ENIGMA16]

It seems to me that you have ego problems.

1. You're defensive because you're afraid of getting your ego damaged (which is also why you probably didn't initially pursue this girl in the first place; much easier to "ease" into that role by becoming their friend first, right?)
2. You're feeding your ego by claiming that you're way more important in her life than you actually are.

Here's the thing. If this girl is at least moderately attractive (and for your sake I'm willing to make that assumption, although if you've been chasing her for 6 years she better be drop dead gorgeous), then she can get any guy to listen to her complaining. You're not special to her; you're just the one that she picked for whatever reason to let off all her negative energy (probably because you were the most convenient at the time when she was looking for someone to do it). So all of this negative energy has poured into you, and you simply retain it! Your negative energy, instead of being processed and disposed of like it should be, is probably bottled up and/or dispensed to those who don't deserve it, making everyone have a more negative perception of you and making you feel worse about yourself.

Nobody here is suggesting that you tell this girl to f*ck off. In fact, I think I'm in agreement with everyone else here that that would be a d!ck move. What we are saying is that you need to implement no contact so that you can deal with yourself and so you can start moving on from this girl. This means that you don't contact her, and when she contacts you, keep it short and polite, but distant.

After you go no contact I can pretty much tell you what will happen. This girl will blow up your phone for a while, maybe even leaving vm's and Facebook messages telling you how much she misses you (as a friend) and needs you (as a friend). Eventually, though, it will stop. Because she will find someone else to vent to. She'll just replace you with someone else that's willing to listen to her sh!t.

If you want to be a masochist and keep yourself in a position with this girl that just feeds you negative energy and tortures you with the denial of your desires then that's your choice. And from the looks of it that's what you'd like to do, for whatever crazy reason; your position won't change until you decide to let this girl go. And so far you haven't made that decision.

Finally, I know you're probably going to get defensive and try to give me sh!t for what I said here, just as you gave Igetit! sh!t for his insightful post, because both he and myself don't sugarcoat what we say. This is once again a reference to how fragile your ego is; any time someone makes a criticism you must defend yourself because you view it as an attack. We're not attacking you; we're trying to help you. And based on what you've posted here you need some tough love, because 6 years is simply a ridiculous amount of time to be emotionally invested in a girl you'll never get.

Your problem isn't just with this girl, though; it's with your ego as well. You need to learn to take criticism and not be so emotionally affected by what others say, because that is what has caused all your problems in this situation, and probably in other aspects of your life. You need to learn to love yourself, because right now you don't.

Go no contact and start working on yourself, because you have a lot of work to do.