A quick question about cheating prevention

[godofanxiety]

How? I know the basics, maintaining frame, not being an AFC etc. But what to do when your paranoia gets the better of you? When you simply don't trust someone, and you're not sure if you're crazy or the reason you have is good. I expect the answer "but her on the back burner and start looking out yourself". Would it do any good to be upfront with your doubts? I've no idea. Sorry for the incoherence of this post.

 

[squirrels]

To prevent "cheating", don't enter into or stay in relationships where the girl wants to "cheat".

Don't rush into this bf/gf bullsh!t until you damn well KNOW that you two are only gonna want each other for the mid-to-long term.

I've always gone by this principle: Date/sleep with MANY women and allow her to date/sleep with MANY men. Only assume commitment when you are both FREE to mate with others...but don't by personal preference.

You can't STOP her from banging the other dude...if you object when you're there, she'll just do it when you're NOT there. What are you gonna do? Stalk her? Invade her FaceBook account? Chain her up in your basement? Beat her? Or are you hoping to pull some BS Don Juan hypnosis on her to make her think differently?

She's her own person. You have to LET HER go mess around with the other guy. If you are "the one" for her, she will come back to you. The realest love is FREE love...when you give her the CHOICE and she CHOOSES you.

It's like having a dog...if you let that dog run without a leash and it runs away and never comes back, well...it's not really YOUR dog to begin with, is it? A dog that REALLY loves you will never stray far.

 

[godofanxiety]

Of course, I don't want to be a controller or chain her up, or forbid her to go out. I don't want to force anything.

We've been together for three months now and I think we're serious. Not 'marriage' serious, god no, but "not fuvking around" serious. We didn't have the 'talk' but from the little things she sometimes says I think we're ok. And yet some things bug me.

So, I don't want to be controlling and overbearing, but I don't want to wake up with aids one day, you know. She has very low self esteem, and I am bad with expressing myself, so we're a lovely pair in that regard. She has said that she thinks may just cut her off, so I'm afraid she might go and look out for some validation.

edit: missed Iceberg's post. I agree and maybe the topic should have been "how to detect cheating, not prevent it".

 

[speed dawg]

This is how I prevent cheating:

1) Know full well that if she does cheat, you will leave the relationship. Done. No second chances.

2) Recognize that if 1 happens, she doesn't like you enough.

3) If 1 and 2 happen, consider yourself lucky. That's one less chance you get stuck in a potentially terrible marriage.

You won't adopt this though, because the tone of your post radiates neediness and fear that she's the only one for you that you'll ever find. You have to be willing to lose her. If you're not, then you'll lose her for sure.

 

[godofanxiety]

This is how I prevent cheating:

1) Know full well that if she does cheat, you will leave the relationship. Done. No second chances.

Goes without saying, but how do I tell her that without sounding like a paranoid wuss?

2) Recognize that if 1 happens, she doesn't like you enough.

3) If 1 and 2 happen, consider yourself lucky. That's one less chance you get stuck in a potentially terrible marriage.

Agreed, though I don't think of marriage at all.

You won't adopt this though, because the tone of your post radiates neediness and fear that she's the only one for you that you'll ever find. You have to be willing to lose her. If you're not, then you'll lose her for sure.

I really do like her and enjoy the time with her. I am, however, aware that nothing lasts forever and am not afraid of losing her. I am afraid of getting someone else's chlamydia or worse, though.

Thanks for the replies people, keep them coming.

 

[speed dawg]

You don't tell her anything. This is for yourself. You set your own boundaries.

And if you want to avoid STDs, ask yourself, one, is the chick worth it, and two, wear a friggin' condom. Problem solved. If you're the type that think condoms aren't all the way safe, then tough rocks. Don't have sex with her.

 

[Duffdog]

Hmmm...

I have been thinking about this very thing for a long time now. I am paranoid as hell about getting a girl and then having her cheat on me. This comes from the fact that most of the hot girls I nail DO have boyfriends. To make things worse, I have met those boyfriends many times. The simple, end all, be all answer to this is to simply be a higher value male than she normally gets. And by higher value, I mean a male who regularly gets girls as hot or hotter than his "girlfriend" to sleep with him.

The challenge is actually being this mythical guy I am talking about. If you are the average guy and score a hottie, you just have to put up with her cheating on you. If you are the uber attractive male who has to beat girls off with a stick, then any girl you allow to be with you won't cheat on you. People who have advantages over others in this world do not have to follow the rules. As a matter of principle, they are given a free pass to do anything they want without recourse of any type. The first and most important advantage a girl has over another girl is being super hot. Girls who are hot should not be expected to be loyal to anyone other than the top .01% of males in this world. If that happens to not be you, tough luck. Concordantly, males who are super desirable pretty much get to sleep with whichever girl they want whenever they want and don't have to care about who she calls her "boyfriend." When she is older and no longer hot, she loses that ability and falls back into the ranks of the 'average' girls and must return to following the rules.

So, using this logic, the way to keep a girl from cheating on you is to simply be better than her in terms of desirability. Some aspects of this are under your control and some are not.

Here is an interesting aside; many of my 'badboy' friends couldn't give a fvck about any of the girls they sleep with. They wouldn't even notice if one of those b1tches was "cheating" or not because they consider females to be nothing more than accessories with multiple holes. When I asked one about my theory that ALL hot girls cheat, he simply said: "Duh! every one of them does."

 

[jophil28]

How? I know the basics, maintaining frame, not being an AFC etc. But what to do when your paranoia gets the better of you? When you simply don't trust someone, and you're not sure if you're crazy or the reason you have is good. I expect the answer "but her on the back burner and start looking out yourself". Would it do any good to be upfront with your doubts? I've no idea. Sorry for the incoherence of this post.

See, this is either about HER behavior which is triggering your doubts and fears, OR it is all about some irrational fear that you have which has no basis in evidence.
Which ?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

A very wise and enigmatic sage by the name of Sigmund Freud once said that no mortal is ever able to keep a secret. If their lips are silent, they’ll chatter with fingertips; betrayal oozes out at every pore.

What you're dealing with is suspicion. Guy’s spy because it’s an inborn biological trigger to be suspicious. Suspicion had species preservation value for us in our evolutionary past, so we get off on the chemical rush that comes from discovering our parental investment (see monogamy) confidence has been betrayed. A Man’s reproductive methodology is scattershot – breed with the largest available pool of physically acceptable females. This methodology has to be sacrificed in order to facilitate a woman’s methodology of parental investment and hypergamy (i.e. extended monogamy with the best attainable candidate). So with so much at stake from a biological perspective it serves a man’s interest to have an inborn “instinct” for identifying the prompts that trigger suspicion. Note that I didn’t use the word “Jealousy” this is entirely different from the biological, chemical rush that suspicion releases into a Man’s bloodstream. Once we confirm betrayal with one woman, we adapt and apply it to the next and repeat the cycle of that chemical rush. It’s the same fight-or-flight response we get in dangerous environments. In fact, just talking about it or relating common experiences about confirmed suspicions is often enough to trigger it to a degree.

The reason for this is rooted in securing parental investment efforts. Studies have shown that Men (not women) are faster and better able to identify their own children's faces in a crowd of uniformly dressed children. This is an unlearned, inborn ability. For a guy to pair off and mate with a woman in the long term he must abandon his breeding methods to accommodate hers. From an evolutionary, biological perspective, this is the biggest risk he can take. Forsake all other breeding opportunities to invest in one.

My advice to guys with a desire to spy is, you will only find what you expect you will. In every instance I’ve been suspicious of a GF in my sexual past, my instinct was ALWAYS proven correct. But I focused on the opportunities she'd had and the mechanics of her cheating rather than the reasoning for it. In hindsight there were in fact many environmental prompts that subconsciously triggered that suspicion; inconsistencies in behavior, attitude, incongruencies with past behaviors, etc. All of which each woman attempted to carefully hide, but with time could not – the betrayal oozed out from them. For as much as a woman will regret her infidelity (dubious, I know) in the rational, her subconscious emotional and innate hypergamy will not allow her to remain monogamous with a man she sees as a 'lesser' male after she's experienced a 'greater' male. In some instances she may stay with the lesser male out of a sense of duty, but her internal desire and fantasies will be about the greater male.

Of course, for men, we do our best to deny what our instincts are telling us. We repress it with rationales and we’re aided in doing so by feminine social conventions (shame & guilt) should we “snoop”, but in time all women are unable to hide the secret. At some point they WANT to be caught.

 

[jonwon]

Of course, I don't want to be a controller or chain her up, or forbid her to go out. I don't want to force anything.

We've been together for three months now and I think we're serious. Not 'marriage' serious, god no, but "not fuvking around" serious. We didn't have the 'talk' but from the little things she sometimes says I think we're ok. And yet some things bug me.

So, I don't want to be controlling and overbearing, but I don't want to wake up with aids one day, you know. She has very low self esteem, and I am bad with expressing myself, so we're a lovely pair in that regard. She has said that she thinks may just cut her off, so I'm afraid she might go and look out for some validation.

edit: missed Iceberg's post. I agree and maybe the topic should have been "how to detect cheating, not prevent it".

You've got more chance being knocked over by a rampaging elephant than catching aids, you do know that right? You've got more chance of being killed by a bee sting.

Just pointing out your irrational fear of catching aids - now you could catch some other form or STD - but even than the odd's of you catching something are vastly in your favour - I assume you've been bombarded by media cra* about STD's, AIDS e.t.c and now have an irrational fear about them.

Yes they exist, but get real here, you may as well start to develop a fear of crossing the street, or chewing nuts (choking on one).

What suspicions do you have?

It's one thing not wanting your GF to cheat, it's another thing being a jealous whack job, with irrational fears born from nothing! And I am under no illusion that many people are jealous wrecks, imagining any scenario to be an excuse for the partner to cheat.

Also not only that you want to confront her on her supposed potential to cheat??! whilst giving us nothing but your clear paranoia. Sorry but the way I see it, your irrational, unless you show us why you think she will cheat, other than her having low self esteem, to me where I am sitting so far based on your posts, the one WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM is YOU buddy!

Continue, she probably WILL CHEAT!

Rollo, no disprespect, but I know guys who have messed up relationships through an unhealthy obsession with the GF's potential or percieved potential to cheat that was a complete and utter fabrication of their warped, beta, fear induced, low self esteemed minds. In my mind I cant think of any thing more relatinship destroying than a paranoid whacko, imaging the GF riding some other mans ****, when in-fact, all she is doing is watching TV or out doing the shopping.

It's one thing having a gut feeling based on percieved flaws in your womans character and her actions, it's another being irrational over nothing more than a fear, a fear induced and exemplified by a matrix type system that paints almost all sexual encouters as nothing but disease ridden encouters, where a man is going to die if his GF sit's on another mans coc~* -- That sort of paranoia is dangerious and in no way shape of form, I will take the women bad angle, when confronted with that much fear induced nonesense.

Just to add:

Sexual diseases from my experiance fester at the bottom of the pool - i.e you've got a higher chance of getting something if you fuc* the local bar ho - that lives in a hostel, than you do with say a colleage chick from a decent back-gound.

Almost all cases I know of personnally, where my mates caught something, was always with lower than scum women who they shouldn't have touched with a 10 foot barge pole.

I've slept with more women than I can even begin to remember, not used protection for a vast % of them and the only thing i've ever caught is thrush, likewise for my friends too.

An AFC having irrational fear of getting a sexual disease is only logical in my eyes, if that AFC is so desperate for sex, he'd fuc* a pig (so to speak ) - Now if you feel you GF is lower scum trash, you shouldn't be dating her anyway.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Off topic: Where did my post go, by the way? I hadn't been hanging around these boards for the past few years. Are disappearing posts a common thing? Don't think I had any curse words or porno links in there.

Read the Mature forum rules:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=127221

 

[Colossus]

Would it do any good to be upfront with your doubts?

Noooo way Jose.

The absolute last thing you want to do is convey your insecurity about her loyalty to you. In doing so you immediately hand over frame. This is a bad play and recovery is tricky.

The short answer is, my friend; there is no way to "prevent" cheating. I know a lot of guys will pull the "alpha" card and say you can with how you act--and this is partially true--but that implies you have control over the actions and emotions of others. Mental mistake. There ARE predictors, however. Here are some of the most common:

-She has a history of cheating on boyfriends.
-She is not getting the attention she feels she needs (most common)
-She is emotionally involved with another man---the "really good friend".
-She starts withdrawing sex and becomes colder towards you.
-She doesn't care if your plans together fall through.

#1 and #2 are the most common. She will try to voice to you---in her non-direct female way--that she isnt getting enough attention from you. Usually after repeated attempts to give you the hint, she will start to withdraw and gravitate towards the man in her life who DOES give her that attention, provided she is attracted to him in some way. Not all women will cheat, some will just withdraw from you until you start acting desperate and they can justifiably break up with you without looking bad.

 

[Colossus]

As an addendum, I agree with Rollo's take. Usually--provided a man is secure with himself and not seeking some immature validation from a woman--suspicions of cheating or "pre-cheating" are correct. Men know how a loyal woman behaves. Under no circumstances would a loyal woman in love with her man do something questionable with other men. If she is getting the attention and security she needs from him, she will tell him how great he is and enjoy pleasing him.

But you need to check the origin of your suspicions. Are they evidence-based, or emotionally-based? Suspicions drive emotions wild, but they have to be based on evidence for you to act on them.