A moral dilemma - not sure how to proceed

[EyeBRollin]

She's not yours yet, OP. The correct play here was to disappear. Leave. You had something else to do (i.e. another date).

 

[Konada]

My hunch why you wrote this post is because you are unconsciously considering her as a long term relationship prospect, not just a fvck buddy.

So it really depends on where you are coming from?

If you are just looking for sex, then yes you are overreacting. But this girl is a big question mark if you are considering her as a long term prospect.

Alternatively, she was possibly using the guy to try to get you jealous and chasing her. Which might explain why she was trying to avoid the dude the next day. When that didn't work out, her hamster went into overdrive.

I think you have to set your expectations straight out of what you want from this girl. Its indeed a red flag but I wouldn't write her off yet, you have to observe more carefully, which is not at that bad because it puts her in a frame of qualifying to you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

They have slept together multiple times. They planned to meet at an invite. She not only took another man home but did it right in OPs face.

men, real men…take note: learn to walk away. Allowing this bad behavior may get you short term sex, but leads to long term problems. It’s not “insecure” to know your worth.

Actually rereading the post, OP was the one who walked away for a few hours during the middle of the event. So this chick is supposed to just spend all night looking for him and hoping he comes back?

Go sit in the corner and not have any fun?

OP comes back and she has other dudes around her. Well duh...what does OP think is going to happen when she has no clue if he is coming back or not?

C'mon man...if anything he is the one who disrespected her by leaving the event.

 

[Konada]

Actually rereading the post, OP was the one who walked away for a few hours during the middle of the event. So this chick is supposed to just spend all night looking for him and hoping he comes back?

Go sit in the corner and not have any fun?

OP comes back and she has other dudes around her. Well duh...what does OP think is going to happen when she has no clue if he is coming back or not?

C'mon man...if anything he is the one who disrespected her by leaving the event.

Depends on what is the arrangement is. Was this is a date or just a social hangout?

Pretty confusing because whether there was an expectation to hang out with her or not.

Too many gaps we don't know of to make an accurate assessment.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Depends on what is the arrangement is. Was this is a date or just a social hangout?

Pretty confusing because whether there was an expectation to hang out with her or not.

Too many gaps we don't know of to make an accurate assessment.

Either way, if you had plans to hang out with someone and then you just leave for a few hours it's pretty ****ing rude.

OP is all bent out of shape about what the girl did but he has no problems with his actions? I mean if the girl did the same thing to him he would be running at Usain Bolt speed to play the disrespect card all over again.

"I made plans to hang out with her and she made up some lame excuse about why she had to leave for a few hours. Can't believe how disrespectful that was!"

To me, OP put himself in this position through his own actions. You can't have your cake and eat it too bro, it's one or the other.

I am still flabbergasted that you would leave for hours then come back and be shocked she is hanging out with other guys. In what world would you expect anything different? Unless this chick is socially inept, that is pretty much going to be a given.

As to why she ignored you, did it ever occur to you she might have been miffed that you just disappeared for a few hours?

 

[Striker_93]

Yeah. A lot of dudes over-calibrate “aloof”, don’t combine it with any charm.

This

 

[Konada]

Either way, if you had plans to hang out with someone and then you just leave for a few hours it's pretty ****ing rude.

OP is all bent out of shape about what the girl did but he has no problems with his actions? I mean if the girl did the same thing to him he would be running at Usain Bolt speed to play the disrespect card all over again.

"I made plans to hang out with her and she made up some lame excuse about why she had to leave for a few hours. Can't believe how disrespectful that was!"

To me, OP put himself in this position through his own actions. You can't have your cake and eat it too bro, it's one or the other.

I am still flabbergasted that you would leave for hours then come back and be shocked she is hanging out with other guys. In what world would you expect anything different? Unless this chick is socially inept, that is pretty much going to be a given.

As to why she ignored you, did it ever occur to you she might have been miffed that you just disappeared for a few hours?

I just re read OP's post.

Seems like a social event that everyone was going, how did you make that inference they specifically made plans to hang out at the event?

While I would agree with what you have said if OP mentioned "Hey, since we're going to xxx event, let's hang out for a bit." . Its a fault if there was an assumption that "We're going to be hanging out" when no specific arrangement has been made.

That being said, OP is clearly overreacting if this is purely a social event where both of them were at. He has no obligations to hang out with her, neither does she.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Seems like a social event that everyone was going, how did you make that inference they specifically made plans to hang out at the event?

While I would agree with what you have said if OP mentioned "Hey, since we're going to xxx event, let's hang out for a bit." . Its a fault if there was an assumption that "We're going to be hanging out" when no specific arrangement has been made.

That being said, OP is clearly overreacting if this is purely a social event where both of them were at. He has no obligations to hang out with her, neither does she.

That's what I am saying... OP wants his cake and wants to eat it too.

If OP feels it's no big deal that he leaves since it's just some event they were both at, then it should also be no big deal when he comes back and sees she is with some other guys.

He wants it to be no big deal that he left but some huge deal she is with some other guys.

Doesn't work like that, it's one or the other.

 

[Striker_93]

So you had plans to hang out with a girl you have been dating at a social event, then at said social event, she leaves with another guy and gets her back blowed out(I could be wrong) and now you're tryna figure out your next move ?

Well OP, with the right amount of experience with women, you know exactly how a girl acts when they are really into you, this is not a example of that.

What should of happened is you go to a social event that was planned before hand to hang with a girl, once you get there she will be all over you, talking/flirting, dancing, showing you off to her friends, mate guarding you, and she would already have plans to fvck you that night, her logistics set up already and everything.

Yep, that's what a girl who's highly attracted to you would do.

Maybe if you didn't leave she would have acted that way, who knows.

She didnt care about you leaving, trust me, she had plenty of d!cks to choose from at that event.

Either way, you seen first hand how she gets down sexually and how fast she can be which should automatically disqualify her as anything serious or long term, who the hell would date a girl long term who moves easy the way she does? Imagine how often she does things like this? Go to social events and leaves with some guy?

She's a freak/fun, nothing more.

OP, get out your feelings and stop acting like a sap, keep her as a backup booty call or sum sh!t.

If you need assistance, give her to me and I will handle it for you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So you had plans to hang out with a girl you have been dating at a social event, then at said social event, she leaves with another guy and gets her back blowed out(I could be wrong) and now you're tryna figure out your next move ?

Well OP, with the right amount of experience with women, you know exactly how a girl acts when they are really into you, this is not a example of that.

What should of happened is you go to a social event that was planned before hand to hang with a girl, once you get there she will be all over you, talking/flirting, dancing, showing you off to her friends, mate guarding you, and should would already have plans to fvck you that night, her logistics set up already and everything.

Yep, that's what a girl who's highly attracted to you would do.

Maybe if you didn't leave she would have acted that way, who knows.

She didnt care about you leaving, trust me, she had plenty of d!cks to choose from at that event.

Either way, you seen first hand how she gets down sexually and how fast she can be which should automatically disqualify her as anything serious or long term, who the hell would date a girl long term who moves easy the way she does? Imagine how often she does things like this? Go to social events and leaves with some guy?

She's a freak/fun, nothing more.

OP, get out your feelings and stop acting like a sap, keep her as a backup booty call or sum sh!t.

If you need assistance, give her to me and I will handle it for you.

Yeah..well it's hard for said chick to do that when OP up and leaves for a few hours during the event. You missed that part.

Apparently she is supposed to go sit in the corner and do nothing but look for OP to come back.

 

[Striker_93]

Yeah..well it's hard for said chick to do that when OP up and leaves for a few hours during the event. You missed that part.

Apparently she is supposed to go sit in the corner and do nothing but look for OP to come back.

I didn't miss that part, but apparently you missed the part where I said "maybe she would have acted that way if op didn't leave"
You need to Take you're time reading.

Either way, shes a freak, nothing more than sex and fun.

 

[SteR]

Jesus, this thread has become completely de-railed.

Let me be clear about this: It's not about the sex. I don't have trouble getting laid, I don't have any issue with replacing her if I need to. What's bothering me is how her behaviour has triggered something in me.

My hunch why you wrote this post is because you are unconsciously considering her as a long term relationship prospect, not just a fvck buddy.

I actually think you've hit the nail on the head. I've been reflecting some more on this trying to understand why I'm pissed. As I just mentioned above, it's not difficult to get sex. I've been seeing other women but I suppose right from the start I knew it would be nothing more than that. With this woman I saw potential for something more. Truth be told, I've had better sex but I was drawn to her personality.

To clear up any confusion: I had been on a few dates with her, we had slept together the previous week and I could tell she was very high interest. I would have spent more time with her but the demands of my work have prevented me from seeing her. She knows this and has been understanding for the most part.

So the idea was I would spend some time with her at this event on the weekend. I fully admit I ****ed up in not giving her more attention at the beginning of the night, but I had no gas in the tank. I needed some time to myself before I could be social. But yes, as a few of you have rightly said, I can't expect her to stand around and cater to how I'm feeling. She's an extremely good looking woman so of course, give her 15 minutes alone and someone is going to go up to her. I can't blame her there - she was trying to wing for a single friend of hers too.

As I said, if it was my girlfriend, I would have obviously walked up to her without any issue and made it clear she was with me. But she's not. So I felt any attempt to do so would work against me. So I had to leave it and honestly, maybe she took it the wrong way and thought I wasn't interested? Who knows. But after all of this I felt incredibly pissed off, and I was trying to understand why.

And as @Konada mentioned, I think it's because I saw potential for something more. Anyway for the time being I'm casually seeing her, but I'm back to seeing the other girls at the same time. She's no longer my top priority.

One other thing: Just consider if the roles were reversed. I'm 100% sure I'd be getting slated for being 'inconsiderate' or for being an *******.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Jesus, this thread has become completely de-railed.

Let me be clear about this: It's not about the sex. I don't have trouble getting laid, I don't have any issue with replacing her if I need to. What's bothering me is how her behaviour has triggered something in me.



I actually think you've hit the nail on the head. I've been reflecting some more on this trying to understand why I'm pissed. As I just mentioned above, it's not difficult to get sex. I've been seeing other women but I suppose right from the start I knew it would be nothing more than that. With this woman I saw potential for something more. Truth be told, I've had better sex but I was drawn to her personality.

To clear up any confusion: I had been on a few dates with her, we had slept together the previous week and I could tell she was very high interest. I would have spent more time with her but the demands of my work have prevented me from seeing her. She knows this and has been understanding for the most part.

So the idea was I would spend some time with her at this event on the weekend. I fully admit I ****ed up in not giving her more attention at the beginning of the night, but I had no gas in the tank. I needed some time to myself before I could be social. But yes, as a few of you have rightly said, I can't expect her to stand around and cater to how I'm feeling. She's an extremely good looking woman so of course, give her 15 minutes alone and someone is going to go up to her. I can't blame her there - she was trying to wing for a single friend of hers too.

As I said, if it was my girlfriend, I would have obviously walked up to her without any issue and made it clear she was with me. But she's not. So I felt any attempt to do so would work against me. So I had to leave it and honestly, maybe she took it the wrong way and thought I wasn't interested? Who knows. But after all of this I felt incredibly pissed off, and I was trying to understand why.

And as @Konada mentioned, I think it's because I saw potential for something more. Anyway for the time being I'm casually seeing her, but I'm back to seeing the other girls at the same time. She's no longer my top priority.

One other thing: Just consider if the roles were reversed. I'm 100% sure I'd be getting slated for being 'inconsiderate' or for being an *******.

Dude you fvcking left during the middle of the event. If this was some arranged hangout, it ALREADY WAS INCONSIDERATE!!! On your part, not hers.

If it wasn't then it's still on you for leaving and then expecting the chick to just chill with women until you came back which she probably had no idea if you were or not.

Either way, you made your own bed in this situation so stop complaining about what happened.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Recently I met a girl at a friend's social event. There was a bit of chemistry when we first met but unfortunately I had to leave for another occasion and never got to talk to her. I met her later at another lunch. Got to know her a bit and she ended up asking my for my details. Flash forward, we go on a couple of dates and on the second date she sleeps over at mine. All good so far.

During this period I've been under intense work pressure. We have a big project we're working on that wraps up next week and she's been aware I've been under a lot of stress. She wanted to see me but I couldn't meet with her due to the demands of the project. I've been dating a couple of other girls during the same period and the same rule applied to them. I was more interested in this girl so put the others on ice while I explored where this one was going.

This past weekend was the first time I was going to have any free time, and there was a big social event where all of us would be going. The weekend comes around and I'm feeling exhausted - it's like all the pressure from my work life just hit me at once and I wasn't feeling my usual self. I get to this social event, the girl turns up too. I spent a few minutes catching up with her and then everyone heads off to dance at this event. I needed a couple of hours to just chill and get my energy back so I go off and hang out with a couple of other friends until I'm feeling more up to it.

I come back to the dance floor and I can see a couple of guys are all over the girl in question and her friend.

Now I'm in a bit of a dilemma: She's not my girlfriend so I have no right to interfere with her and that guy. I decide to just sit back and see what happens.. all the while she knows I'm right there. The night goes on and she's pretty much glued to the guy. I get a brief window where the two of them come over and we exchange a couple of words but again, I don't know how to really act in this situation.

The night goes on and I distance myself from my group and try to forget about it. I find out the next morning that her friend (who she came with) went back with one of the other guys. However I don't have any idea what happened between her and her guy. I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume maybe they kissed - I admittedly have been a bit of a **** by not giving her any of my time, but there wasn't much I could do due to my circumstances and she knows this.

So the next morning I see her and we grab coffee. We talk and I apologise to her for not giving her my time and things seem to go back to normal. I can tell she's keen on me still. Later that day the guy she was with the previous night comes up to her and she seems to avoid him and comes right back to me. It was extremely awkward but I was like okay.. maybe nothing too serious happened between these two.

We get back to our city and I end up making some time for her this evening and it was good fun, just like the previous dates - she then agrees to spend the night at mine tomorrow.

So here's the dilemma: I don't know what happened between the two of them. But I was doing some reflecting on it all and IF I find out she's slept with this guy, I'm not comfortable with dating her any further. I'm supposed to go for lunch with her friend today so I imagine I'll find out the full story. A couple of my buddies think I'm being unreasonable if I decide to stop seeing her, as they think she had the right to go off with whoever she wanted as we weren't a couple. To some extent I see their point and I agree with that. However she knew I was there at the event. She also knew I planned on spending some time with her there. My ego doesn't sit well with this, and honestly... there's no way I'm going to want a girl in my bed that I knew was with another guy a night or two ago. Another close friend of mine sides with me: He says if she was really that interested then she would've just come up to me and talked about it on the night.

This could go one of two ways: Either I find out tomorrow she's slept with him and I'll tell her quite clearly I'm not comfortable with it and I don't want to see her any further, OR she tells me it wasn't anything serious and I can let that slide and carry on as before.

I'm just curious as to what everyone else would do here? Like I said, I have other options so it won't be an issue replacing her.. but I was interested in her and I did think there could've been a bit of potential with this one. Am I being unreasonable? How do you guys see this?

Tried to check for an update on how that interaction went but didn't see any so I'm gonna offer my perspective.

Bottom line is that you set those standards and boundaries. No one can tell you what those are, you set them and withhold them. That is always a good thing.

Whether those standards are reasonable or not, that is more of an ethical/moral dilemma given you caused her to think you weren't interested (even though you were, but your lack of time for her made her think so). It is ironic in the sense that as proven by her behavior after clearing things up, that also made her consider other potential mates.

And while I can tell you, you are right for setting those boundaries (respect, etc) and standards, not sure you can really expect her to sit around and wait when there is literally no exclusivity between the two of you and you offered nothing to her. Even you were/are dating other women, it is a double standard you need to be humble enough to accept.

What I would avoid is confronting her about it. Perhaps, find out about and if confirmed and that turns you off, then it is beside the point if you have a point or not, it simply does and move on. If on the other hand, it is not confirmed then carry on as you were.

Now if you are able to get past any sense of ego, self-righteousness, know that unless you strive for that virgin unicorn, sex has become a transactional interaction and often carries no meaning. Whether you like it or not, most (if not all) of the girls you have dated, are dating, and will date have been around.

Modern Man Advice

 

[SoSuave666]

Actually rereading the post, OP was the one who walked away for a few hours during the middle of the event. So this chick is supposed to just spend all night looking for him and hoping he comes back?

Go sit in the corner and not have any fun?

OP comes back and she has other dudes around her. Well duh...what does OP think is going to happen when she has no clue if he is coming back or not?

C'mon man...if anything he is the one who disrespected her by leaving the event.

I missed that he up and left and spent no time with her before doing so.

Respect goes both ways.

I do stand by the fact that she displayed poor behavior by essentially taking someone home right in front of OP. That’s low quality behavior, especially if it was triggered by OPs behavior. Imagine, every time you get this woman’s hamster spinning she goes out and fvcks someone. I would demote based on that alone

 

[Alvafe]

I missed that he up and left and spent no time with her before doing so.

Respect goes both ways.

I do stand by the fact that she displayed poor behavior by essentially taking someone home right in front of OP. That’s low quality behavior, especially if it was triggered by OPs behavior. Imagine, every time you get this woman’s hamster spinning she goes out and fvcks someone. I would demote based on that alone

or she was just not interested, don't matter, if she was she would gravitated around him even if he goes to other way, if I was the op I wouldn't even bother to give her any time, unless is just for sex, because she just toss on his face she is easy, so never date her just have sex.

an interesting fact also would be she would interested to know why he was so tired or off, hell my friends always used to ask why I was so quiet and my answers was always too tired.

I think op just gauge her interest wrong

 

[SteR]

Look, I fully admit I'm in the wrong here. I was too arrogant. I knew she was extremely interested, I'd already had sex with her and I guess I let that get to my head a bit - I don't refute that, and I even apologised to her earlier this week for my behaviour.

BUT as others have said already, it tells a lot about her character. I've yet to actually confirm what actually happened with the guy. I've met up with her since and just brushed it off, since really it's none of my business. But I know a couple of her friends and will eventually find out what happened through them. I've no intention of discussing it with her.

In terms of going forward, I don't see anything happening between us other than sex.

 

[SteR]

an interesting fact also would be she would interested to know why he was so tired or off, hell my friends always used to ask why I was so quiet and my answers was always too tired.

I already said: I've been working on a project that's literally had me pulling all-nighters for the last 2 weeks. I was physically / emotionally exhausted by the time I got to the event - truthfully I wish I never went and just recharged at home. The reason I took the time-out was because I was talking with a buddy of mine and just letting off steam. What slipped my mind was how attractive she is and how quickly girls like that get attention..

 

[Velasco]

This past weekend was the first time I was going to have any free time, and there was a big social event where all of us would be going. The weekend comes around and I'm feeling exhausted - it's like all the pressure from my work life just hit me at once and I wasn't feeling my usual self. I get to this social event, the girl turns up too. I spent a few minutes catching up with her and then everyone heads off to dance at this event. I needed a couple of hours to just chill and get my energy back so I go off and hang out with a couple of other friends until I'm feeling more up to it.

I come back to the dance floor and I can see a couple of guys are all over the girl in question and her friend.

Now I'm in a bit of a dilemma: She's not my girlfriend so I have no right to interfere with her and that guy. I decide to just sit back and see what happens.. all the while she knows I'm right there. The night goes on and she's pretty much glued to the guy. I get a brief window where the two of them come over and we exchange a couple of words but again, I don't know how to really act in this situation.

Think she may have mistakenly felt like you weren't interested in tryna make something happen with her that night due to your down vibes (she didn't know it was actually because you were just super exhausted from work and had nothing to do with her. But we always kinda assume it's us that is the problem). And did not re-approach you like "what's wrong?", because you were with your group VS you being along/with one friend. One style requires a lot more courage to walk up to Vs the other.

 

[Alvafe]

I already said: I've been working on a project that's literally had me pulling all-nighters for the last 2 weeks. I was physically / emotionally exhausted by the time I got to the event - truthfully I wish I never went and just recharged at home. The reason I took the time-out was because I was talking with a buddy of mine and just letting off steam. What slipped my mind was how attractive she is and how quickly girls like that get attention..

you said to us don't know about her, take note it was good you did go, you know now she is just for fun, pump and dump