It looks like there's a lot of misogynistic or anti-female sentiment around this forum lately, so I figured it might be a good idea to share another revelation I had recently about my relationships with women.
I've been doing well lately pulling numbers and such, going on dates, even hooking up with women. But any woman who spent any amount of time with me, if I didn't get tired of her, she would eventually stop returning calls and disappear out of my life.
It took one woman in particular who just persistently hung around and wanted to spend time with me to get me to see that the real source of the problem was ME.
For some reason, I had developed the same adversarial/love-hate relationship with women that many people have on this forum. I started viewing the women I seduced as weak, s
uckers, or conquests. Women who were into me had told me that they felt like I saw them as being "not worthy" of me. And in essence they were right. And the women who rejected me, as they began to reject me, I started to prize them even more, pursue even harder.
I finally realized that there was a significant subconscious reason for all this...I actually DID hate these women, and I hated them because they LIKED me...and I didn't like MYSELF.
Back in my grade-school days, I somehow got singled out as the kid to make fun of. My peers all mocked me and even my so-called "friends" badmouthed me behind my back. It got to a point where any gesture of friendship, I was waiting for them to stick the knife in my back. I shut myself off from EVERYONE for the longest time, finally starting to tentatively accept friendship from people by my senior year of high school.
I wanted to tell myself that it never affected me, that I "survived" it, but unbeknownst to me, it left a pretty heavy mark on me. I had somehow become convinced that I didn't DESERVE to be anyone's friend, much less anyone's lover. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but subconsciously I started to believe that I wasn't good enough to be around other people.
These thoughts, although they were subconscious, attracted negativity into my life by the way I acted and carried myself. And I projected those feelings onto others. Because I didn't feel worthy, because I held disdain for myself, I began to expect others to feel the same way. Even though I didn't want these women to leave me or reject me, I felt that that's what they SHOULD do. The ones who did, I prized them for their keen insight. The ones who didn't, who actually liked me and wanted to be around me, I figured it was one of three things: either they didn't have anyone else at the moment, they were just too nice to tell me off, or it was a sign of weakness or foolishness on their part. Subconsciously, I would start acting in ways which pushed them away from me, in some cases becoming derisive or mocking or acting "too good" for them because secretly I felt that they were "too stupid to see how worthless I was and too weak to leave me".
I started to HATE these women for loving me even though I hated myself. And inevitably, through acting with a lack of self-respect, I managed to eventually convince every girl I've been with that I was right...in essence, I convinced them to validate my lack of self-esteem...by leaving and/or rejecting me.
Dating became a game of vengeance. I would punish those who weren't good enough to reject me. If I managed to game a particularly desirable woman, I got satisfaction out of that feeling..."Ha-ha, look at what happened to you. You got tricked into falling for a loser like me. I win the 'DJ war'. "
I see now that that kind of thought has done nothing but destroy me socially and emotionally. I've personally wrecked relationships left and right to get women to validate my feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-confidence. Finally, though, I had found someone who stuck it out long enough without validating those feelings of inner worthlessness that I started to see how baseless and stupid they were...and how they were attracting failure and inadequacy and unhappiness into my life.
Do you hate women? Do you hate people in general? Does the world seem like a place full of mindless cretins whose purpose it is to tick you off? Does socializing or dating seem like a hassle for you because you can't find anyone worthy of you? Ask yourself...how do you feel about YOU?
If you want to find "true love"...not the
addictive, self-deprecating obsession everyone mistakes for love, but REAL, MEANINGFUL relationships with women, you must, must, MUST love yourself. If you have love for yourself and respect yourself, others will feel that energy and follow suit. If you hate or disrespect yourself, others will feel that energy as well. And if they don't, you will act and carry yourself in a way that MAKES them feel that energy, good or bad.
We are all
creators of our own reality by nature, so if negativity in relationships is what you are getting, over and over again, YOU are most likely the one responsible for attracting it into your life. If you experience rejection again and again, then YOU have probably drawn it. If you experience love and joy, then again, YOU have drawn this into your life. All by virtue of the way you think...consciously or unconsciously. Your thoughts will manifest themselves as reality. If you respect yourself, you will act toward yourself in a way that shows you really love who you are. Not arrogantly, but truly respecting yourself and holding yourself in high esteem.
Think about the term for a minute..."self-esteem". It isn't some voodoo magic term, some kind of mysterious chi-energy you are either full of or empty of. It's a thought. You hold yourSELF in high or low ESTEEM. When you hold something in high esteem, you respect those people who see its value. If you hold something in low esteem, you will lack respect for those who value it. If you hold yourself in low esteem, you will hate everyone who likes you for who you are.
However, if you truly respect yourself, if you see yourself for the power and ability you REALLY have in this world and treat yourself with respect that you truly believe you DESERVE, then you will respect and admire those who love YOU, and will act in THEIR best interests. This is what "self-esteem" is all about...not some magic juice to get ladies, but truly understanding YOU and what YOU are capable of. When you truly reach that level, you won't have TIME to sit around hating.
You'll be too busy loving life. And others will love you for it. ESPECIALLY the ladies.
