A Lump of Coal?

[reset]

Thanks for that clarification, Mr. Me. You're one of the posters I make sure to always read.

I understand this (finally) on an intellectual level. That is in fact progress for me.


"He gave himself that emotional toll, not her. She only triggered it in him, it was there already."


This is the part that I am tackling. I had things go great then fall apart recently. And I am tempted to do all the AFC stuff, call her, etc. Not doing so has gotten her to contact me a few times, but I know now (especially from reading Rollo) that contact from a chick when you cut her off is to be expected, and means absolutely nothing regarding her IL.

So I ask myself "well, you're feeling down about losing the girl now. What were you feeling before? Because what you were feeling before you met her is the same way you should be feeling now."

And I wasn't happy before, found the girl, got too close/comfortable, killed it. Like in your quote, she triggered some buried neediness and the result was to be expected: she bailed.

This is common wisdom on this board, and it is a mature man forum. It's true that many guys are emotionally immature and I am not afraid to admit that.

But even me at least consciously doing the right behaviors ( as opposed to getting drunk one night and drunk dialing) in spite of my "need" for validation, shows I'm on the right track.

Anyway I have a gym membership now. I know that's not the only answer but I hope that being in great shape is going to take care of a lot of this stuff, that I can generate from within, create value from within, and not steal that value from a chick. And this is the seed of genuine indifference.

(needed to get that out).

 

[omkara]

"Completely devastated" after one date. That's sad, I hate to say.

I think you are sad as well. You sound like a complete *******. You make all these huge generalizations based on scant details and your supposed "knowledge" about life. LMAO If you were more intelligent you would know that your silly opinions do not really constitute knowledge. It's just your narrow view of life that you've formed based on your experiences. I was shocked at the tone you took at with me, a person you don't even know. How far do you think you would get with that **** if we were standing face to face?

Yeah that's what I thought.

Emotionally detached? That's what your ideal is? I guess you will never be able to experience love then, you f***in loser. I can see how it would be expedient to be sociopathic... er, I mean, "emotionally detached," in today's demonic society. But I will never become like that.

 

[Mr. Me]

I think you are sad as well. You sound like a complete *******. As least I am a nice person.

If you were truly a nice person, you wouldn't be calling me curses and names. I didn't call you any names.

When someone says "At least I am a nice person", what they're really saying is, "I'm an insecure person and now that I feel hurt, I'm making myself feel better by asserting what a nice person I am in comparison."

"A little insecure maybe" A little? Maybe? omkara, you may not agree with my opinion, and I'm sorry you feel that way, but again, the way you're reacting by dramatizing things ("would never go off on a person he way you just did for no reason. I was shocked at the tone you took") shows how emotionally fragile you definitely are. All I said was that I consider being "completely devastated over a girl not wanting a second date as "sad". You're reading tones and calling this "going off".

This is not good for you. You're asking for a difficult time in your life's journey if you feel so slighted by other people's opinions. People will have their differing opinions and if your feathers get ruffled so easily, you're going to spend a lot of your life being upset. That's no way to live.

Emotionally detached? That's what your ideal is? I guess you will never be able to experience love then,

I guess you didn't read the part where I wrote that being "emotionally attached" is not to be confused with "love". It's two different things completely. Being detached is not sociopathic. You have a lot to learn.

I'm sorry you didn't find my post helpful today. Maybe another day you will, but then again, some guys just can't ever be helped.

 

[guru1000]

Mr. Me is correct.

To acknowledge a girl in any capacity who could care less whether you live or die is pointless. You take away from your self respect by giving her any more of your attention.

Best advice is to do exactly what she did to you. Walk away.

Until the point of exclusivity, overt boundaries should not be implemented as you are testing her genuine character for compatibility. Any deal breaking behavior as a result of incompatibility should be met ONLY with walking away.

At the point of exclusivity, I make my boundaries OVERTLY known. In this respect since I have made a commitment, she is accountable for her actions as it is made unequivocally clear. Even with exclusivity if a boundary is overstepped, I walk away. As long as it is not a capital offense and she is persistent in making amends, then I will overtly express my expectations once again.

In regard to the OP, non exclusive relationship with 4 months history. This girl does not deserve a thought in your head, much less in this forum.

 

[omkara]

> This is not good for you. You're asking for a difficult time in your life's journey if you feel so slighted by other people's opinions. People will have their differing opinions and if your feathers get ruffled so easily, you're going to spend a lot of your life being upset. That's no way to live.

Ok, I think I can see your point now. I'm going to read your post again and see what I can get out of it. What can I say, I know I am benefiting from getting other points of view but sometimes it is painful and violent to confront the old ideas, that are so well-entrenched.

 

[STR8UP]

We've been through this so many times but ignoring a girl doesn't necessarily communicate that you're indifferent and not mad either.

True.

The girl in Str8up's story assumed he was mad despite him not saying anything.

Actually, you are the one making assumptions.

The last time when I "called her out" I calmly let her know that she disappointed me. She KNOWS she can't rattle my cage like that.

When I didn't take her call late that night, and didn't take her calls and texts and IM's for half of the day the next day, I was the one who rattled cages. Her best friend told me she was in tears over the incident. She asked me to come to her friends house and chill by the pool, but I was cool as a cucumber and told her to have fun with her friends and I would talk to her when she was finished. I went to get lunch and she was sitting on my doorstep 45 minutes later when I got back.

See what happened? She freaked out when she didn't hear a peep from me. Did she think at that time I was pissed? Probably. But with this last incident she doesn't know WHAT to think, since when I called her out last time I didn't give her the third degree, as I am sure she expected.

Now she is forced to live with all sorts of emotions. If I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and walked away, she would know where she stands. Since I did not she will have to stew in a swirl of emotions. She will be forced to wonder if I will ever talk to her again. That in itself is powerful. Add the rest of the feelings and the statement that is made is more powerful than ANYTHING you could ever say.

Ever heard the phrase "Curiosity killed the cat"? Fortunately it does the same to women.

 

[ketostix]

Actually, you are the one making assumptions.

The last time when I "called her out" I calmly let her know that she disappointed me. She KNOWS she can't rattle my cage like that.

When I didn't take her call late that night, and didn't take her calls and texts and IM's for half of the day the next day, I was the one who rattled cages. Her best friend told me she was in tears over the incident. She asked me to come to her friends house and chill by the pool, but I was cool as a cucumber and told her to have fun with her friends and I would talk to her when she was finished. I went to get lunch and she was sitting on my doorstep 45 minutes later when I got back.

How am I making assumptions? You called her out calmly like I've been suggesting, then after that you acted indifferent toward, also as I suggested. You are attributing her actions only to the part of ignoring her without considering the fact you told her you were disappointed in her first. You can't assume something wasn't a factor that was part of the equation.

See what happened? She freaked out when she didn't hear a peep from me. Did she think at that time I was pissed? Probably. But with this last incident she doesn't know WHAT to think, since when I called her out last time I didn't give her the third degree, as I am sure she expected.

Again, you called her out AND then ignored her the last time. Had you just ignored her without saying anything who knows what she would have been thinking or did, probably nothing. Who knows what she's think after this last time that you didn't say anything to her. But the point is I've said there's no point in calling a girl out more than once for the same type of behavior. Am I assuming something or misreading the information you've written?

Now she is forced to live with all sorts of emotions. If I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and walked away, she would know where she stands. Since I did not she will have to stew in a swirl of emotions. She will be forced to wonder if I will ever talk to her again. That in itself is powerful. Add the rest of the feelings and the statement that is made is more powerful than ANYTHING you could ever say.

Ever heard the phrase "Curiosity killed the cat"? Fortunately it does the same to women.

Yes but what is really the difference as far as you know between how she acted and felt after you told her you were disappointed in her then ignored her vs. now when you said nothing (again it doesn't matter at this point since you told her once before to no avail) ? No difference as far as I can see for a fact.

Anyway fvck it. I don't care what anyone here does when a girl disrespects them. I'm kind of tired of my words being twisted. If guy wants to believe there's only one right way for every situation that's fine.