A lack of cold-approaching doesn't measure a guys confidence level

[edger]

Alcohol helps -- but usually only for as long as it takes to 'enjoy' a ONS and get the hell out the next morning.

The alcohol is said to definitely help. Virtually ever guy I know can only cold-approach when they have alcohol in them. I know these 2 guys who actually hook up a lot by cold-approaching. One of these guys is actually 42 and pulls hot women in their 20's(to all the guys insecure about their age, this should be an inspiration). But he even told me himself, if it weren't for the alcohol, he couldn't cold-approach. Same with the other guy.

See, I don't drink when I'm out, because I drive. And I'm not a fan of public transportation, so I'd rather take my car. It's a pain in the ass to wait for a train. I can get to my destination much faster by car, and I don't have sit around waiting. So, being that I don't drink when I'm out, doesn't really help my cause. But having to relying on alcohol anyway, is cheating. I like to know that "I" pulled the hot woman, not the "alcohol".

 

[edger]

It's something that we should make ourselves do from time to time. I typically don't cold approach because a. it sets you up as a beggar and b. the 95% flaking/going nowhere effect of the cold approach. But it should be done in moderation to keep your courage sharp.

I watch the guys who cold approach, and it goes one of two ways: usually, they put up their shield and embarrass the guy, or sometimes she soaks up the attention for the night, then gives him the number so he can continue giving her attention without reciprocation.

Maybe cold approaching=future orbiter at best. There are always exceptions, but the odds are against us.

I like those odds.

Yeah that's the thing to, especially the looking like a beggar. I mean, yeah, you can cold-approach in a way that doesn't make you look like a beggar or in a way that doesn't take the prize off yourself, but how far can that really go? Think about it. No matter how much you try act like the prize while doing it, it can only go so far. In my opinion, no matter how well you do it, you're still making her out to be the prize, and in turn chipping away at your prize status. You're making her out to be more of a prize than you, afterall, YOU'RE the one approaching and vying for HER attention. It's pretty obvious the woman's gonna think she's more of a prize.

I'd much rather not sit there and play this numbers game. Really, it's stupid in my opinion. I'm not a gambler, I value my time and energy, and try to use it wisely. I can't be bothered wasting my night on women, whom the greater majority of, aren't going to be phased by me.

 

[#41]

Damn homie I do not envy you one bit, your problem is a bad one to have. Maybe you need to reprogramme your mind and not see women as having to have that perfect pornstar look.

If you can do that, more power to you.

Me? I find attractive what I find attractive. I have no more control over that than I do what foods taste good to me or what music I enjoy listening to. It either is or it isn't there.

And really, when it comes to approaching, attractiveness is the be-all and end-all of things. I don't go up to a girl thinking "Hmmm, I'll bet she has an interesting story to tell" or "I'm guessing she has some really unique personality traits I'll find very attractive." I go up because I think the girl is attractive.

 

[Trader]

Some assume around here, if you don't cold-approach, you must lack confidence.

No matter how confident someone is, they are not prone to the pain of rejection. If someone is prone to rejection, it would be like saying, when you get stuck with big needle, you're prone to the pain, you never feel it. The most confident guys in the world feel pain when they get rejected during a cold-approach. By the laws of biology, it would reason that they have to. It's a chip at the ego, no matter how big a guys ego is. The reason you don't see guys cold-approach, is not because they're unconfident, but that they don't want to deal with the pain. I'll speak on my behalf; I'm one confident dude, believe me. I know I'm good-looking and I know I can take a woman to bliss. A woman would be extremely lucky if I gave her the time of the day and she managed to sleep with me. I know myself well and what I'm about. But the reason I don't cold-approach often is because I'd rather not risk experiencing pain if I don't have to. I'm perfectly suited and confident to go up to a hot woman and dance with her, or strike up a conversation, but I just don't want to deal with any potential pain, if I don't have to. Now, some guys still do it, regardless of the pain. It's not that they're immune from the pain or more confident, it's just that they're willing to risk themselves and feel the pain. It just comes down to what someone is willng to sacrifice. Everyone has a different preference.

So, whether a guy chooses to cold-approach or not, has nothing to do with his confidence. It has to do with whether or not he's willing to sacrafice himself to feeling the pain of a possible rejection.

If you don't want to cold-approach that's fine - that's your prerogative. If guys think you have low self-confidence, who cares?

But this post really reeks of approval-seeking. Why are you even posting this? No need to get our *approval*

 

[edger]

No need to get our *approval*

That would be the last thing I'd do. I'm sincerely happy with the man I am. If I could make love to myself, I would..lol. Anyhow, I can see why you'd think that, as that's definitely one way it can be perceived. The only approval I seek though, is my own, as I'm quite confident..I know what I'm about. The point of creating this thread, was to clear things up. I think I've failed though, lol.

 

[countermart]

Ha, well things are certainly a little catty here arn’t they? Meow.

Edger, I feel your pain, well that is I used to feel your pain and after getting back into this after a LTR, I’ll tell you something:

THE DEGREE OF EMOTIONAL PAIN IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE DEGREE OF EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT.

To take the extreme, why do you feel bad if the love of your life dies? Because the emotional investment is huge. Why do you feel no pain despite over 10 thousand children dying in the world today because they could not get access to clean water? Because you have no emotional investment.

Why should you feel anything on rejection for a girl you do not know? Being rejected by her may have been the best thing that ever happened to you, maybe you could have married her and she may have turned into the ***** from hell. That’s what happened to me.

OK despite this, the cold approach is hard. So do what I call the warm approach, others do this also. For example, I’m at the bar recently buying a drink, on one side is a girl buying coffee, I say to her “Wow you must be the only person buying coffee here, but at least you are going to feel ok in the morning” and the result....well it looked like hot coffee, but boy she was iced. Do I feel rejected? Hell no. I think thank goodness you cleared up the fact that you are a b*tch in the first sentence.

On the other side of me is a girl that has a bottle of Champaign and about five other drinks in front of her so I smile and say, “You know you should really do something about that drinking problem”, well she was entirely different, she smiled and laughed and played along saying, "Yes she was working on it, but it wasn’t easy etc”, and you know what she was a lot better looking than the other coffee girl and great fun. In other words what I do now is simply make a statement, and view it like a test of her.

Then later ha I slip up, a very good looking girl walks up to me and introduces herself. “Hi I’m HB Introduces Herself”. Me, “Well HB Introducers Herself you are very pretty.” Yep AFC Reoccurrence Syndrome, ...and she was gone, my buddy laughed his head off...must have been the quickest interest to rejection in history!

Got to go now, have to write “I must not be an AFC 1000 times”.

Hope this helps,

Countermart.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I think too much is being made from the term "cold approach." This is a sales term and it's got the negative connotations associated with it from the same root. I think it's a misnomer to think of approaching a woman you don't know, introducing yourself and moving into a sarge as a "cold approach". It implies that you're knocking on doors selling yourself, and the same defensive obstacles a salesman has to overcome instantly arise with a potential "customer." This is the wrong way to think of it.

Rare is the lone wolf guy who takes it upon himself to go out alone and into a social setting without a wingman, or without surrounding themselves with a group of accessible social proof. Most people are uncomfortable just going out to a restaurant alone, much less a bar where they know few or any people. So don't confuse the term "cold approach" with a sterile environment. Attraction doesn't happen in a vacuum, even Mystery and Style would sarge in groups. Yes, they may act independently, but they rely on that social dynamic for support.

Now of course there are times when you are alone, perhaps at school or a non-pick up environment and you come across an opportunity to approach. Is this a 'cold approach' ? It could be, but it's still wrong to make that opening with the idea in mind that it's a test of your own confidence. Your inclination to open the lone girl in the bookstore (a cliché at best) should be because you have a genuine interest in hooking up with her, not a personal sh!t test you're giving yourself. In fact it's just this internal conversation that proves your lack of confidence before you've even opened your mouth.

 

[jophil28]

Then later ha I slip up, a very good looking girl walks up to me and introduces herself. “Hi I’m HB Introduces Herself”. Me, “Well HB Introducers Herself you are very pretty.”

Try something like this instead,(look at her for a few seconds in silence but lock gaze) " Ya know, I have a friend who would describe you as moderately gorgeous. You should meet him sometime ".

Just wait for the reaction. Everytime she will say, kinda shocked, " Only moderately ? "

You say," Yep, he's just like me - picky and hard to please."

You are now well on the way towards her qualifying herself ..

 

[decentguy]

If you're not cold approaching women, how else do you expect to meet them?

Do you want to be completely dependant on your social circle to introduce you to new women, which will only reinforce your scarcity mentality because you're counting the opportunities? Or do you want to feel like anytime you want a woman, you can go out right away, approach sets and number close at least one of them?

It comes down to this: do you want to be a victim of fate? Or do you want to create your own fate and drastically increase your chances of dating the kind of women YOU want to date?

I'm a newbie, and am at the first stages of learning pickup, and I can tell you this: I want to live in abundance and have options.

Yes, you are in a way selling yourself to her, just as she is to you, and she knows what you want, but why would that be a bad thing?

 

[#41]

Do you want to be completely dependant on your social circle to introduce you to new women, which will only reinforce your scarcity mentality because you're counting the opportunities? Or do you want to feel like anytime you want a woman, you can go out right away, approach sets and number close at least one of them?

You're still a victim of fate, you're just increasing the number of lottery tickets you're buying in the hopes of increasing the odds of a hit.

 

[ketostix]

I think too much is being made from the term "cold approach." This is a sales term and it's got the negative connotations associated with it from the same root. I think it's a misnomer to think of approaching a woman you don't know, introducing yourself and moving into a sarge as a "cold approach". It implies that you're knocking on doors selling yourself, and the same defensive obstacles a salesman has to overcome instantly arise with a potential "customer." This is the wrong way to think of it.

Rare is the lone wolf guy who takes it upon himself to go out alone and into a social setting without a wingman, or without surrounding themselves with a group of accessible social proof. Most people are uncomfortable just going out to a restaurant alone, much less a bar where they know few or any people. So don't confuse the term "cold approach" with a sterile environment. Attraction doesn't happen in a vacuum, even Mystery and Style would sarge in groups. Yes, they may act independently, but they rely on that social dynamic for support.

Now of course there are times when you are alone, perhaps at school or a non-pick up environment and you come across an opportunity to approach. Is this a 'cold approach' ? It could be, but it's still wrong to make that opening with the idea in mind that it's a test of your own confidence. Your inclination to open the lone girl in the bookstore (a cliché at best) should be because you have a genuine interest in hooking up with her, not a personal sh!t test you're giving yourself. In fact it's just this internal conversation that proves your lack of confidence before you've even opened your mouth.

I define a cold approach as approaching a woman who you don't know and don't know by any association, such as a friend of a friend or even an acquantance of a friend. Some people define a cold approach as whether she gives you any discernable approach invitations. While that usually makes an approach go a lot smoother, I still categorize it as a CA due to you both being strangers without a mutual acquantance.

I actually go out alone to even bars most of the time. There's been threads on this topic, but I say it is a social proof killer and a social faux paus to be seen at a bar without friends.

I thinkthat a person who doesn't approach a girl who he's interested like in your example is lacking confidence. I would say it's a lack of self-confidence but a lack in confidence of a positive out come.

 

[Micheal Moon]

Good thread.

Cold approaching does have a negative connotation, it just depends on how you do it. Yes maybe it does give off the impression the girl is the prize but at the same time if she is interested, she might like it. Some girls WANT to be pursued.

Of course you do have to sift through the AW's who like it for their own vanity.

 

[Micheal Moon]

I
I actually go out alone to even bars most of the time. There's been threads on this topic, but I say it is a social proof killer and a social faux paus to be seen at a bar without friends.

.

Have you been successful at this? I've tried it and its just not for me. I found it much harder approaching solo than if your'e with friends. Girls do care about social status. Guys simply don't care. An average girl at a bar alone will be swarmed by us wolves before she even gets past the bouncer.

Kudos to you if its working for you though.

 

[edger]

Keto, Michael Moon,

I've never had a problem going out alone. I've had quite a few attractive women either vibe me(IOI's) and some who have approached me while out alone. No more or less than when I go out with friends. It's the way you carry yourself. If you don't look and act like a weirdo, you'll be fine...at least in my experience. But I'm sure at the same time too, there have been women who it killed my chances with. Who knows for sure. I'm not saying they were definitely turned off by it, I personally don't know, but anything's always possible in this crazy world. By the way, I'll go out alone when I have to, because it's better than sitting home starring at the 4 walls. I realized a long time ago, you can't wait around and depend on people all the time. If nobody's around, you just have to do your thing. By the way too, when I go out alone, I always make it a point to blend in with everybody. I'll stand where everyone else is standing. The only place that I don't go out alone to, are bars, unless I'm at an airport bar waiting for a flight or at a hotel bar. Clubs are much easier and conducive to going out alone.

I know lots of people who go out alone by the way.

 

[edger]

I think too much is being made from the term "cold approach." This is a sales term and it's got the negative connotations associated with it from the same root. I think it's a misnomer to think of approaching a woman you don't know, introducing yourself and moving into a sarge as a "cold approach". It implies that you're knocking on doors selling yourself, and the same defensive obstacles a salesman has to overcome instantly arise with a potential "customer." This is the wrong way to think of it.

Rare is the lone wolf guy who takes it upon himself to go out alone and into a social setting without a wingman, or without surrounding themselves with a group of accessible social proof. Most people are uncomfortable just going out to a restaurant alone, much less a bar where they know few or any people. So don't confuse the term "cold approach" with a sterile environment. Attraction doesn't happen in a vacuum, even Mystery and Style would sarge in groups. Yes, they may act independently, but they rely on that social dynamic for support.

Now of course there are times when you are alone, perhaps at school or a non-pick up environment and you come across an opportunity to approach. Is this a 'cold approach' ? It could be, but it's still wrong to make that opening with the idea in mind that it's a test of your own confidence. Your inclination to open the lone girl in the bookstore (a cliché at best) should be because you have a genuine interest in hooking up with her, not a personal sh!t test you're giving yourself. In fact it's just this internal conversation that proves your lack of confidence before you've even opened your mouth.

I'm curious...are you a fan of cold-approaching? Did you do it a lot in the past? If so, what was your success rate with it?

 

[countermart]

“Try something like this instead,(look at her for a few seconds in silence but lock gaze) " Ya know, I have a friend who would describe you as moderately gorgeous. You should meet him sometime ".

Just wait for the reaction. Everytime she will say, kinda shocked, " Only moderately ? "

You say," Yep, he's just like me - picky and hard to please."

You are now well on the way towards her qualifying herself ..”

Thanks for the tip jophil28, now all I need is a rewind of Friday night! I actually knew I was stuffing it up as the words were coming out of my mouth, but lacked the ability to think of something else to say on the spot. Now I have a script. Thanks again.

Countermart

 

[Micheal Moon]

Keto, Michael Moon,

I've never had a problem going out alone. I've had quite a few attractive women either vibe me(IOI's) and some who have approached me while out alone. No more or less than when I go out with friends. It's the way you carry yourself. If you don't look and act like a weirdo, you'll be fine...at least in my experience. But I'm sure at the same time too, there have been women who it killed my chances with. Who knows for sure. I'm not saying they were definitely turned off by it, I personally don't know, but anything's always possible in this crazy world. By the way, I'll go out alone when I have to, because it's better than sitting home starring at the 4 walls. I realized a long time ago, you can't wait around and depend on people all the time. If nobody's around, you just have to do your thing. By the way too, when I go out alone, I always make it a point to blend in with everybody. I'll stand where everyone else is standing. The only place that I don't go out alone to, are bars, unless I'm at an airport bar waiting for a flight or at a hotel bar. Clubs are much easier and conducive to going out alone.

I know lots of people who go out alone by the way.

edger,

thanks for tips, I think I might give it another shot seeing as how you've had some success with it. My friends just don't really go out anymore, so Ive just stopped going and your'e right you can't depend on other people all the time.

 

[Micheal Moon]

WORD. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You can rationalize all you want about the numbers game, but it does work sometimes. The key is establishing a personal connection, making her laugh a little(not at you), reading those buying signals and then taking action.

The last girl I dated I met at a boating store, and got her number after a little conversation. It does happen guys. For those that haven't, give it a try. If you're getting good signals then go for it. If you're nervous(I was), go for it anyway.

Well I think this is the key to success with cold approaching, is reading the buying signals. Its not fool proof but I feel comfortable going in with it, and have more success with it.

Because I've heard that it doesn't matter and you should just go up to the girl no matter what, and that eye contact doesnt matter.

Well maybe, but at the same time you have those girls that have the "Dont talk to me" uniform on. Its made up of tinted sunglasses that cover half their face complete with earphones/ipod and/or a cellphone velcroed to their ear, and if you so much as glance in their direction some of them actually look offended:crackup:

I think buying signals are the way to go.

 

[edger]

but at the same time you have those girls that have the "Dont talk to me" uniform on. Its made up of tinted sunglasses that cover half their face complete with earphones/ipod and/or a cellphone velcroed to their ear, and if you so much as glance in their direction some of them actually look offended:crackup:

This is how it is in all settings, whether it's a club, grocery store, on the street, etc. Women seem surprised if you check them out or cold-approach them. They look at you like, "You're not supposed to be looking at me, what the hell are you doing?", as if you're doing something wrong. This is why guys are so hesitant out there to cold-approach women. Can you actually blame guys? I know I can't, because women send out the wrong message. If you know you're not wanted somewhere, why would you continue to hang around? It doesn't make sense. Some might say women act this way to sh*t test a guy, to see if he'll still approach her, but who the f*ck really knows. All I know is, if it is a sh*t test, it's one lousy, half-assed, inaccurate way to test a mans mettle. Like I said, any guy with any amount of pride, who respects himself, isn't going to bother.

It's understood that the b*tch shield is only up in the bars and clubs. Not true at all, the b*tch shield is up in the grocery stores, the department stores, the pizzeria, the street, the colleges, you name it. I can sense it when I'm out there. Women don't have it up in just one place, they have it up EVERYWHERE.

I think buying signals are the way to go.

That's the way I've always done it since I'm a kid. And it makes most sense. Player_Supreme has this same philosophy.

But then comes the question of, what does the below avg.-looking guy do? If he's ugly and is out at a club, there's only one method for him to attract a hottie, and that is through the cold-approach. That's all he can rely on. I guess he just has to relentlessly sift through the water until he comes across a woman that is receptive to his good opener.

 

[Micheal Moon]

This is how it is in all settings, whether it's a club, grocery store, on the street, etc. Women seem surprised if you check them out or cold-approach them. They look at you like, "You're not supposed to be looking at me, what the hell are you doing?", as if you're doing something wrong. This is why guys are so hesitant out there to cold-approach women. Can you actually blame guys? I know I can't, because women send out the wrong message. If you know you're not wanted somewhere, why would you continue to hang around? It doesn't make sense. Some might say women act this way to sh*t test a guy, to see if he'll still approach her, but who the f*ck really knows. All I know is, if it is a sh*t test, it's one lousy, half-assed, inaccurate way to test a mans mettle. Like I said, any guy with any amount of pride, who respects himself, isn't going to bother.

It's understood that the b*tch shield is only up in the bars and clubs. Not true at all, the b*tch shield is up in the grocery stores, the department stores, the pizzeria, the street, the colleges, you name it. I can sense it when I'm out there. Women don't have it up in just one place, they have it up EVERYWHERE.



That's the way I've always done it since I'm a kid. And it makes most sense. Player_Supreme has this same philosophy.

But then comes the question of, what does the below avg.-looking guy do? If he's ugly and is out at a club, there's only one method for him to attract a hottie, and that is through the cold-approach. That's all he can rely on. I guess he just has to relentlessly sift through the water until he comes across a woman that is receptive to his good opener.

I agree totally, the bit*h shield is not just a bar or a club thing its up anywhere you go, and to me its just nonsensical to go on a wild goose chase opening up every girl you see in sight. Also, its understandable most guys don't want to sift through the B.S for something you MIGHT get. Its just a low percentage proposition, the risk is not great vs. the reward. Now, sometimes that leads me to not approaching anything, and some days there are several opportunities that will come my way.

Oh yeah, BTW I did take your advice and flew solo to a club last night. Interesting enough to say it does take some time to break down the b*tch shield if your'e willing but there's only a finite time you have to do it, where her friends will give you the hook and drag her away (either because of "you" or some other reason). The one I approached, she initally did put up a "semi-b*tch shield", but I managed to chip away until she was smiling and I got the convo going. But she got dragged away.

Normally I wouln't go through all that trouble (the girls giving buying signals that night were not in a great position for me to approach), buy hey I just wanted to do something

It was actually not bad though, I think its something I'll do more of.