A Huge AFC Post (I really need help)

[Comic]

Long ass post but I'd really appreciate anyone's input.

Ohh boy, its bad and makes me seem like a real AFC but I'd really like anyones input as I need a whole lot of help with this situation. Basically I met a really attractive girl that I had in a few of my classes. She was a bit of a flirt with everyone but was in a LTR. I never really liked her but it seemed like she always showed some interest in me, like I said she was a flirt with most guys. She eventually broke it off with this LTR and I texted her the day of. I told her I was really sorry for what happened and I would be there for her through this breakup. She really loved this guy. We texted everyday for a few weeks and hung out a couple of times, I fell for her. Told her my feelings, she only wanted to be friends because she was falling for another guy and still in love with her ex. We became really close and I helped her get over the guy she was falling for and somewhat her ex. Basically we became bestfriends while she knew I had strong feelings for her. Every once in a while I would bring up the topic of being together someday and she would shut it down. I would try getting over her by not talking to her and what not but she is my bestfriend and I cant just cut all contact with her.

We went on as bestfriends for a while, basically talking everyday, hanging out a lot. Then she began to fall for another guy that wasn't me. I told her how I felt again, she shut it down again. This guy shut her down and we proceeded as bestfriends. We cuddle a lot, she always seems like shes interested but everytime I try to make us something more it doesnt happen and we stay friends. She still to this day has not fully recovered from her LTR. Anyways after she got rejected by that guy we went on for about a month and a half without mention of any other guys, i felt like I was the only guy in her life, and we were going to eventually pursue a relationship, we cuddled a lot and talked to each other like we were together. But just last week she brought up the guy that rejected her a month and a half ago, and how she almost kissed him. The guy wanted it, but she didnt do it and he cut all contact with her. I told her to drop him, hes not worth it. It looks like she is dropping him. But prior to telling her that we got into an arguement and I said my feelings are getting in the way of this friendship and blah blah blah. She pretty much shut down all hope at anything more again, but when I asked her after all this time of us being so close, why hasnt she liked me yet. She told me this " I do feel like I sort of like you but i have one thing holding me back, if you argue with me everytime I mention another guy what will it be like when were in a relationship and I talk and hang out with other guys, we will fight, and i dont have it in me for an unhealthy relationship and another heartbreak (referring to the LTR)" I'll admit we have argued about other guys before and it has gotten rough at times, but I always ***** out and apologize and say I cherish our friendship, which I do its just i love her romantically and love her as my bestfriend. Anyways I am where I am now just friends again right after my recent attempt at spilling my feelings and hoping for the best.

I know this sounds like the most AFC thing ever posted here but I needed to post it. I know its hopeless in the sense of getting with her, and if not I would really like someones help. But I just want to know how I can get over her and allow her to be with other guys and me with other girls while remaining best friends with her. Like I said it really seems like were in a relationship, we hang out almost daily, we cuddle, we txt and talk on the phone a lot, hell we even talk about sex a lot and joke about having sex with each other. We have really intimate moments together, we just dont get sexual, obviously because were just friends lol. Listen dropping her as a friend is not an option, so if thats the answer I'd appreciate you dont post answer to this at all.

 

[WorkingDJ]

Your being used as an orbiter. You are the safe zone when everything goes wrong.

Have you tried no Contact?

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Go for 10 other chicks.

Go no contact for 3 weeks.

 

[Nino-Tk]

Its either you in or not, there is no grey. You, my friend is out. I don't know how you could put up with this for so long. Man the writing is on the wall, she does'nt see you in that way.
even if you salvage something, you will always be on the backfoot because you have literally handed your balls over to her and she is just crushing them. I would say remain her friend but get rid of the feelings IMMEDIATELY! Don't be cold but don't be so damn AFC towards her either. Other girls like you, go seek them out.

 

[AH909]

Use her to meet more girls.

 

[Comic]

Its either you in or not, there is no grey. You, my friend is out. I don't know how you could put up with this for so long. Man the writing is on the wall, she does'nt see you in that way.
even if you salvage something, you will always be on the backfoot because you have literally handed your balls over to her and she is just crushing them. I would say remain her friend but get rid of the feelings IMMEDIATELY! Don't be cold but don't be so damn AFC towards her either. Other girls like you, go seek them out.

I can't just drop my feelings for her, I love her. I have terrible oneitis right now lol. I've thought about the no contact approach but like I said we're best friends, we haven't gone more than a day with out txting in probably 4-5 months. She'll probably get pissed at me if I begin to ignore her and I don't want to jeopardize or friendship and where its at right now. She helps me with my problems too. I don't even initiate txt msgs a whole lot, shes the one that does it the most, and lately shes been asking me to hangout at her place a lot and **** to watch movies and cuddle. She says she feels "safe" and "comfy" when we cuddle. Hell the other day me, her, and a friend of hers watched a scary movie. She kept rubbing up on me the entire time (couldn't cuddle because her fam and **** were home), insisted she walk me part of the way home when I left and made me hold her hand on the way home due to her being scared from the movie. Anyways like I said I know I wont get with her, its just hard dropping my feelings for her while remaining as close as I am lol.

 

[t00dumb]

I can't just drop my feelings for her, I love her. I have terrible oneitis right now lol. I've thought about the no contact approach but like I said we're best friends, we haven't gone more than a day with out txting in probably 4-5 months. She'll probably get pissed at me if I begin to ignore her and I don't want to jeopardize or friendship and where its at right now. She helps me with my problems too. I don't even initiate txt msgs a whole lot, shes the one that does it the most, and lately shes been asking me to hangout at her place a lot and **** to watch movies and cuddle. She says she feels "safe" and "comfy" when we cuddle. Hell the other day me, her, and a friend of hers watched a scary movie. She kept rubbing up on me the entire time (couldn't cuddle because her fam and **** were home), insisted she walk me part of the way home when I left and made me hold her hand on the way home due to her being scared from the movie. Anyways like I said I know I wont get with her, its just hard dropping my feelings for her while remaining as close as I am lol.

years later down the road, you're going to ask why you even dealt with this BS for so long. the first step you did right is admitting you have a problem which i commend you. the second step is you have you 2 choices. 1. you're going to learn the hard way in which you are currently doing now. or 2. take our advice and which comes with years of experience and move on. you're just limiting yourself to one girl while she's expanding her boy network.(not fair right?)

so which road will you take is up to you. sooner or later you're going to come up with the same conclusion and that having more choices in life (girls) is better than limiting to one.

 

[Comic]

years later down the road, you're going to ask why you even dealt with this BS for so long. the first step you did right is admitting you have a problem which i commend you. the second step is you have you 2 choices. 1. you're going to learn the hard way in which you are currently doing now. or 2. take our advice and which comes with years of experience and move on. you're just limiting yourself to one girl while she's expanding her boy network.(not fair right?)

so which road will you take is up to you. sooner or later you're going to come up with the same conclusion and that having more choices in life (girls) is better than limiting to one.

I know I need to move on and each day i'm inching closer and closer to the point where i'm going to say **** it, there is millions of girls out there that I want to explore. Its just the idea of being with her seems so incredibly perfect and I feel like if I move on i'm ruining the very small chance I have with her.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

Comic, do you have any passions in your life? Like hobbies, talents, things you love to do, etc.?

 

[Comic]

Comic, do you have any passions in your life? Like hobbies, talents, things you love to do, etc.?

I have several... I think I know where you're going with this. I know that you're going to tell me to focus on those hobbies and not her. But she has been my hobby for the past 4-5 months, I've fallen hard for her and I'm always thinking about her. When I'm down because of her I can't even do anything, I just sit down and stare at a wall for hours and listen to music or something. Idk, this past month have gotten better, believe me. I don't feel as strong as I used to for her and I'm starting to want to get with other girls again. I think there is something I've truly realized in the past week. Its the time does heal all wounds and I believe it might take a little longer for this wound to heal.

 

[t00dumb]

I know I need to move on and each day i'm inching closer and closer to the point where i'm going to say **** it, there is millions of girls out there that I want to explore. Its just the idea of being with her seems so incredibly perfect and I feel like if I move on i'm ruining the very small chance I have with her.

on the contrary it's quite the opposite. you're leaving yourself way too f'ing available. look i was in the same situation as you. just everything about that person just feels so perfect and the fact if we get together it's magical. you're playing against all odds and the house is against you. she's showing her cards to you and you're still in denial. look i was once that person with the belief that i might beat the one in a million chance to get it what i want. i failed miserably and you're heading down that path. look son, i'm saving you some hard aches unless you like dealing with pains and sorrow, sure go ahead and suffer. one step at a time. you need a game plan where it's healthy for you and possibly your so-called friendship with the love your life. the more busy you are the more she's wondering what you're up to. or have the guts to tell her that being by her side is not helping you and it's not helping your relationship with her. you think it's time that it's appropriate to not hang out so much anymore etc etc.

once she see how much she misses you, balls in your court buddy. by the looks of it she's giving you a facial every time with those nasty dunks.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

I have several... I think I know where you're going with this. I know that you're going to tell me to focus on those hobbies and not her. But she has been my hobby for the past 4-5 months, I've fallen hard for her and I'm always thinking about her. When I'm down because of her I can't even do anything, I just sit down and stare at a wall for hours and listen to music or something. Idk, this past month have gotten better, believe me. I don't feel as strong as I used to for her and I'm starting to want to get with other girls again. I think there is something I've truly realized in the past week. Its the time does heal all wounds and I believe it might take a little longer for this wound to heal.

See, even if it is possible to get the girl that you want, sometimes the consequences come in the form of sh!tloads of time wasted on investing in an obsession with no certain guarantee of any returns. It doesn't even matter whether she likes you or not, what really matters is that you do something productive with your life that makes you feel good and happy with yourself. When you look back on it, you might regret being stuck on a girl and wish you had spent your time more wisely. For example, if you say, decided to learn how to approach women and spent 5 months on that, you'd probably have a girlfriend by now and have completely forgotten about this one girl. Do yourself a favor and live your life for the good of you.

 

[Hakuna]

(1) You never tell a girl overtly that you like her - you communicate it through your approach, vibe, etc. TELLING a girl that you like her is a sign of desperation, it tells her that her ***** is the only one you can get or want. SHOWING a girl that you are INTERESTED in her tells her that you have OTHER OPTIONS. You need to come off as preselected for other girls to like you.

(2) Right now you are acting as the beta orbiter who will never get to see her vagina. This role has been played out by legions of AFCs throughout history. You need to get out of it or else you will fall back into AFC patterns every time you think about this girl. Either cut off all contact and start actually gaming other girls or resort to homosexuality.

(3) Spilling Feelings? hanging out every day? Talking all the time? Do any of these things create attraction? No.

What creates attraction? If you were liked by other girls, if you were unpredictable, if you were funny or charismatic, if you had a good physique, etc. What you are doing now is accomplishing nothing but except causing your balls to shrivel up from being under-used.

Be less available. Stop saying insecure things. Game other girls. Get over your Oneitis.

 

[justanothernormalguy]

'We dont get sexual obviously because we are just friends'...No.
This is plain wrong. You dont get sexual because you can't step up to the plate if these so called 'sexual conversations' actually happen.

Jesus christ man up, never tell a girl you 'fancy' them, or you 'like' them or confess your feelings to them. Where the hell is the fun in that, your offering yourself up on a plate. Stop being her emotional tampon too, if you want her to stop seeing you as her gay best friend then stop listening to all her crap and start having fun instead. Seeing friends or prospective girls is not about emotions and feelings (occasionally you have to be there for someone in a time of need, but in general you should be doing stuff and making her laugh not making her sad talking about her Ex). The more a girl thinks about an ex, the more feelings develop for him and the further you go from the goal.

I say stop confessing your feelings because you are a man, be a man. Men don't need to do this, and in the real world this is not how relationships begin. It needs to be spontaneous, exciting. Right now you need to show her that she missed out, start dating other girls, maybe drop it in occasionally in conversation but dont make it too obvious to her (I only say this because you say you talk about all this crap and she mentioned another guy to you).

She is keeping you under her wing in case of a rainy day, sorry to say but to her you aren't anything she wants or has to have, because she HAS YOU.

Be mysterious to her, stop talking about your feelings and stop being a big woman about everything. Be a very upbeat, confident and charismatic guys. When was the last time you saw a guy like that talk about how much he loved a girl who wasnt interested.

EDIT: Do not get attached to this girl, shes not over her ex. BIG WARNING SIGN as the fact is she might never be during the course of any relationship wtih you and would probably run off with him at the first sign of interest. Might even cheat on you. So for the first 4-6 months if you do somehow miraculously turn this around, do not get attached, just focus on having fun with her and making sure shes over her ex before you even think about being exclusive. As long as she still brings him into conversation, you should have the mentality that there is no chance you will be exclusive with her. I usually say at least 1 month of no mention of him until ill consider it.

 

[alecks]

that was painful to read,jesus christ.get help my friend,you are a lost cause

 

[FlyGuyM]

Damn...your in love with a girl that doesnt feel the same way about you; thats noo good.. Cutt her off... delete her from your contacts & dont reply to her calls/texts, & absolutly do not reply untill she sends you a text or leaves a voicemail that sounds like she's giving up on you...(best part) reply back with this line "i like you 2 much to just be your friend" and that will solve your problem, youll either get laid or lose your bestfriend...but be honest you dont really wana be her bestfriend.

 

[Comic]

Okay so the other day we hung out. Had a great time and she brought up how she wanted us to become friends with benefits. Of course I was all for it but she said she was scared it would change everything and ruin out friendship. Shes on vacation right now and I wont see or talk to her for like 5 days. We're hanging out, going out to lunch and what not when she comes back. Ever since she brought up the friends with benefits thing we've been getting really sexual in our txts, we did a bit before but more so now. Anyways when we hangout should I make a move. Remember she said she wasn't sure if we should become friends with benefits because she is really scared to lose me as her best friend as it has happened to her in the past.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Please make a move; it will do you so much good, even if she rejects you. It's not gonna change everything either

 

[FlyGuyM]

lol...sounds like you got what you wanted. congrats f**k her brains out

 

[Plec07]

Okay so the other day we hung out. Had a great time and she brought up how she wanted us to become friends with benefits. Of course I was all for it but she said she was scared it would change everything and ruin out friendship. Shes on vacation right now and I wont see or talk to her for like 5 days. We're hanging out, going out to lunch and what not when she comes back. Ever since she brought up the friends with benefits thing we've been getting really sexual in our txts, we did a bit before but more so now. Anyways when we hangout should I make a move. Remember she said she wasn't sure if we should become friends with benefits because she is really scared to lose me as her best friend as it has happened to her in the past.

Ok I may get slated by others for this but I seriously recommend you DO NOT follow through with this. For one simple reason.

You are not emotionally in a position where you will be able to handle a purely physical relationship with this girl. You love her. She does not love you. If you two get physical it's just gonna hurt you so much more.

I'll be honest, there is the slightest chance doing that, partnered with your current friendship will create a relationship. But thats more likely to happen to an experienced DJ who has the influence to make that kind of thing happen. What is going to be a lot more likely is that you'll fall for her even more, and then she'll go and meet another guy and come up to you and start telling you about him. Your gonna get more jelous then you have previously because you will feel even more so like your in a relationship with this girl.

I know it hurts to hear this dude, but as others have said you are her backup. Your the guy who's always there for her, and right now she feels like she needs some physical loving, and your the only one offering it up to her. Now you may turn round and say "she can get any guy she wants cos she's stunning". But I gurantee you she doesn't think she's as hot as she is, and that holds her back from getting any guy she wants. You've already said she's got issues with rejection, and I'm damn sure she doesn't want to run any risk of down right getting rejected for just sex.

If you want my real honest advice on this situation. Sit down, prepare yourself before the next time you go see her. Do whatever you gotta do to get yourself ready and get yourself in the mindset of "whatever happens happens and whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger(there is so much truth to this saying, more so than many people realise)" remember you are young, she will not be the only woman in your life and she does not yet deserve your full blown attention.

Now that your ready, go see her and BEFORE anything you tell her this. "If you want a physical relationship with me, it's gotta be a proper relationship and it's gotta be exclusive." If she agrees then all is well, you have what you want. If she disagrees, then I strongly recommend you accept it and go home. I'm not saying cut contact, stop being friends ect. Just don't immediately spend time with her afterwards, because it will be awkward and it will do more worse than good. If you can, avoid contacting her for a couple days, it'll give her time to think about it and possibly reconsider.

If you go ahead with this friends with benifits thing you are effectively giving the girl you 'love' permission to ditch you whatever she fancies next and to do whatever she wants and still have you to fall back on when she fvcks that up. Do you really want to do that? Thats putting your friendship on death row, because if she does that I promise you won't have it in you to still make a friendship work if that happens.

Edit: Forgot to say that if she declines your offer, feel free to stay friends. But definately spend a little less time with her and try and spend more time meeting other girls. Your not gonna get over this one if you spend all your free time with her. It just will not happen.