A Dilemma with an older woman.

[Create Reality]

I need an outside perspective on my situation with an older woman. We have been in a LTR for over a year but it has been going nowhere. Some things happened early on that screwed up the relationship; I cheated on her and she found out, I caught her in a situation that very well could have been her cheating on me (never will know for sure), I said a lot of mean things to her, and now she is keeping an emotional distance from me. This distance I can describe like she won't embrace the things I say and enjoy, and talking to her seems to almost always revert to mayhem when I try to have it my way.

I'm a younger guy in my twenties and she is in her high thirties. She is a good looking woman (single) so I made the effort to hook up with her. I got her number and called her later that night, and we made a date to meet at her place. At that time she told me some things, like she 'didn't want to share', and she didn't want to be a booty call. I listened and thought I could keep that promise. What prompted me to break it was a few things. At the time I felt as she didn't understand me too well, I felt unheard when talking to her, and she was talking about her ex boyfriend who cheated and drove her crazy too much. That was a red flag for me, because what do I have to do with her ex boyfriend and how he treated her? She got sick for about a whole week and I met another woman at a bar and hooked up with her for sex. After that, I felt guilty and tryed to find some relief by being honest with her. She did not understand why I did it and became very emotional. I told her that I did it because we hadn't been together long enough for me to decide if she was the only woman I wanted to be with. She did not embrace this idea at all, BUT, I was given a "second chance".

This is the first part of the dilemma. I know she said she didn't want to share me with other women from the first day. But I feel as two people coming into a relationship need time to feel each other out, to avoid starting something that won't finish nicely. During that time I decided to have sex with someone else (and I always practice safe sex). She was black and white about it from the start, so I had no chance of convincing her. And she was very upset when I told her I saw another woman. We do not mesh on this idea of having a buffer zone before we are serious to each other. But she gave me a second chance.

I was confused by her decision. I didn't know what she really thought about me after that. So for a while, I tried to explain my perspective on relationships and feeling she didn't understand, tried to explain some of my perspectives on life that would validate why I think that. I think I might have talked too much, trying to prove myself right. I should have been listening and not feeling guilty.

Some night during this stage in the relationship, I wanted to go to her place and surprise her. She was on her period and I felt like I had been ignoring her, knowing I wasn't going to get laid. I had been acting like that for a few months and genuinely felt I had done wrong. So, I go to her place and when I get there, she is dressed nicely and told me a guy was coming over so she could consul him about his failing marriage. I had my suspicions and I let her know I was staying until this man showed up, then leave. I told her I wanted to know who he was and by making my presence known, to show him she is involved and to be straight around my girlfriend. She was being very hidden, and she ended up calling this man and cancelling, and she would not even let me hear her do it! She gave me an excuse about protecting this man's identity and personal life.

After that night I lost all my trust in her, that she could be cheating and wasn't about being in a serious relationship. It took me up to about a month ago to sort through my mind where we really stood with each other. She calls that "owning up to my own sh1t". She knew that me thinking that she was a cheater was causing me emotional grief. But the only thing she could tell me was that when she is with one person, that's it. She has done nothing to convince me she is serious.

And that is the second part of my dilemma. While I think she is the same person as when the relationship started, she does things that knowingly make me uncomfortable. I've told her what she does that makes me feel this way but I don't feel like she has consideration for me. It's been like this for a long time. I've tried hard to form a new bond with her but her way of thinking and her life situation seems to prevent this.

What can I do?

 

[decades]

You made a tactical mistake in being "honest" with her. Deal with your guilt privately. You undermined her trust in you.

Now about your surprise visit...Forget what she says. Keep your mind focused on that night she was going to cheat on you. She is trying to "fog" you up and make you forget about what she did. She is trying to put it on you. But it's "on" her. She got caught red handed.

Why are you trying so hard to make this work? If it's not working, and it doesn't seem to be, then why go through the misery you are in now? Do you live together? Have you discussed your future together?

Why aren't you spinning plates with women more your own age?

 

[KontrollerX]

"Why are you trying so hard to make this work? If it's not working, and it doesn't seem to be, then why go through the misery you are in now? Do you live together? Have you discussed your future together?

Why aren't you spinning plates with women more your own age?"

Exactly.

This situation is rife with far too much drama for any DJ whose got options to entertain.

Next her.

She is not special.

There are a million more women out there for you who look just as good or better without all this ridiculous life wasting drama for you to stress over.

All these stupid little games.

 

[Son of anarchy]

Pay attention to the suggestions of those two gentlemen up.
And most of all why its that

I'm a younger guy in my twenties and she is in her high thirties.

??

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Bump

 

[Create Reality]

I'm only trying to make things work because I enjoy it when things work. She is like a chinese finger trap or something. The more I try to have things my way the more she acts like a b1tch. I was fooled into thinking there was a deeper connection, and there might have been in the beginning, I don't think that's true for her anymore. Things probably went bad for her when I was on my honesty campaign, hah. After I had sex with the other woman and told her, I thought I could start to develop a connection and I did. But I think she is very reserved STILL. Maybe it has something to do with a LTR she had with her ex and being cheated on constantly, she says. Someone here on the forum said woman are masters of circumstancial excuses, boy is that true! Every excuse out of her mouth is based on what happened one day ago. When she's acting like a b1tch, she takes the smallest thing I did and starts talking sh1t. Like wtf!? IS THIS NORMAL!? I thought older woman were supposed to be mature!

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Nexting her and going no contact is the only way for you to save face in this situation, and your only recourse considering her intent to cheat on you that one night (do you really think that was the only time?). Listen to your gut, man. All this Dr. Phil-sounding language about "reestablishing your bond" and horsesh!t like that is indicative that your mindset is fvcked. And since you have been talking about these things with her, forget about it. She thinks you're a new-age pu$$y and has no respect for you, hence no loyalty either.

Quit her, LEARN YOUR LESSONS, and PUSH FORWARD!

 

[Radninja]

Create Reality, no offense but you've lost your balls. That package between your legs is your best friend. You sound like a chick as you describe imaginary drama she has sucked you into. Be a man, next her. Date younger women.

 

[Sinistar]

Given how much younger you are, the fact that she didn't boot you when you cheated and the fact that she is seeing other guys (yes, that is a fact - but you can look away if you like) - you are just a branch - you always were.

Think about it for a minute. If you were only half into someone and they cheated on you would you really care? It seems as if she fits this statement. Also, sometimes people overtly broadcast their own behaviours by telling us exactly the opposite. When someone immediately declares a "all or nothing" relationship their either most likely broken / immature / overly-insecure and trying to control everything OR is someone who has zero intent on giving their all and is trying to fool themselves (and you) by constantly stating the opposite. Weird - but it just works that way.

Or you could look at it this way. Let's say it worked out. You guys get hitched. Fast forward 20 years and you're in your early 40's. You've got your career worked out. You've mastered interacting with women. You're ready to be father. You're noticing how just your demeanor and experience seem to draw in all types of women, especially attractive younger ones. Then you come home to your wife who is a 60-something. Oh yeah that's right 60 is the new 30 I guess

 

[jophil28]

...going nowhere. Some things happened early on that screwed up the relationship; I cheated on her and she found out, I caught her in a situation that very well could have been her cheating on me (never will know for sure), I said a lot of mean things to her, and now she is keeping an emotional distance from me.

What can I do?

I could write two pages about this situation and how YOU wrecked the relationship by undermining it by cheating, but suffice it to say that when SHE subsequently cheated (probably in retribution) the relationship was all over.
THis LTR is beyond repair, and as RT says ,it is better to direct your energies into creating a new one with someone else rather that trying to repair one which is decayed and degenerated into petty snipiing and point scoring..

My view is that folk who truly value an LTR will preserve it and protect it, not betray it.

 

[Interceptor]

folk who truly value an LTR will preserve it and protect it, not betray it

Thats basically it.
If you want an exclusive LTR , that means no banging other women, dude.

If you dont want that, then dont string her along, and try to 'talk sense' to her or try to actually justify your actions.
"Honey, I DO love you! I only cheated on you twice because.....blah blah blah..."
Dude, please.
If she doesnt want an open relationship, you need to respect her decision. And if it's good for you , great. But if it's not??
You move on. If you want an open relationship, and she doesnt, you let her go. You cant force her. What if the shoe were on the other foot?



CR, please, take the time to process all this stuff.
You have too much confusion and drama because you have weak Personal Boundaries and you dont know what you want.
You have needs, but you dont know exactly what they are.And you have wants, but you dont know how to manage them maturely.
All this conflict and drama are exactly what happens when we dont know ourselves in a relationship and dont know what we want. This vagueness you are experiencing is the result and symptoms of not knowing what you want, AND saying one thing, but doing another. Thats called being INCONGRUENT.

So please, stop deluding yourself and leading her on.

You want to bang other chicks but you need this woman's attention and validation,and APPROVAL AND ACCEPTANCE.

An exclusive LTR is exclusive for a reason.

If you dont want that, then dont tell the woman that's what you want and then go looking for sex with some chick when she's sick FFS.
If your partner is sick and cant attend to your manly needs , you dont go out looking to get laid from someone else.
You cant possibly respect your partner when you do this.
And if you think you arent disrespecting her, you are wrong.
And if you didnt know you are disrespecting her, well, here's the wake up call......you DID.

CR, if you're in a commited, exclusive, monogamous LTR, you dont go fvcking around.
Be congruent with yourself.
Be aligned with what you want.


And by your ACTIONS, you obviously DONT WANT and certainly dont know HOW to MANAGE an LTR, so either do it right and respect her, or dont do it, and be aligned with what you REALLY want.
Dont let her shame you into accepting a relationship or coercing you if thats not what you want, dude.
Dont ever be forced into an LTR just because you're getting sex or you dont want to look like the bad guy because you want to bang multiple women and she disagrees with that.
Dont let yourself be shamed for your wants and your sexual desires...
BUT...
dont lead her on and let her think you want the same thing SHE does, and then go behind her back and do something else.
Thats bull sh*t, brother. You know it and I know it.


Good luck, and I hope you figure this out.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Reality,
This is not a Dilemma,there does not have to be a choice,the Brothers here are unanimous that it is really a FB situation with a promiscuous Woman....."We have been in a LTR for over a year but it has been going nowhere"....This seems the desirable situation to me,where precisely were you wanting to go?not living together,or worse getting tied up...You shared yourself around,and so did she....Your mistake was in getting emotionally attached,that was probably a one way thing anyway....The age difference is really too much Male to Female,the other way it is still far too much for anyone for but a Foreign Woman....But there is no need to be silly and cut off your Supply of oats is there?....just remember never be honest with Women,they wont believe you any way...to her,continue to be the ingenuous chump of yesteryear,but in reality,you have her Number,so spin plates,she thinks she has you by your short and curlies and she did have...but even worms turn,now it is your turn to get out there and enjoy yourself,see her no more than three times a week,this will give you some perspective.

 

[Create Reality]

It was a dirty breakup. I won't be seeing her again anytime soon. I would like to think doors could be open and bridges not burned, I try not to think about the pain it's caused. I feel like a much different man after being exposed to her. I just want to be forgiven and to not care if she was or is seeing other men. I'm sick of this bull****.

 

[jophil28]

I just want to be forgiven and to not care if she was or is seeing other men. I'm sick of this bull****.

Say "So Suave" three times, and go forth and cheat no more.
You are forgiven my son.

 

[game.r]

what can you do?

Don't walk, RUN away from this relationship and NEVER look back.

 

[sodbuster]

Older women more mature? NEVER, they still think they are in High school. Still think we should worship them for the chance of sex. They may be smarter,but not more emotionally mature.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

It's amazing to see such a typical situation put in front of the sosuave team and to see their responses.

The OP sounds exactly like someone you'd see on Dr. Phil or on your average call-in radio show. How many times does the relationship expert recommend that you cut your losses and move on? NEVER!! They NEVER do that because they would be out of the job if men just realized they could cut their losses and date the millions of other women at their disposal. Not only that, but if men started walking away from drama, the concept of drama would become extinct.

Complacent men are the fuel that feed the drama fire. As soon as they leave, the flames go out.

Thank you sosuave, and thank you DJs for saying it like it is, for emphasizing just how simple relationships can be when you see the forest for the trees, and for making MY relationships with women care-free and satisfying.

 

[jophil28]

Complacent men are the fuel that feed the drama fire. As soon as they leave, the flames go out.

... "complacent" perhaps is a mild adjective to use to describe the problem.
How about 'desperate' or 'weak' or 'controlled' or 'defeated' or 'compliant' and so on....BUT all these characteristics follow from a CHOICE that he has made.
WE men need to made better choices - ones which serve OUR interests first, not hers ( and ignore the inevitable shaming charge which will follow, "You are so selfish" )

Last WEdnesday night I askedthose guys down at the local 'mens group' why they placed their wive's wants and demands above their own needs, they fumbled with a credible answer. Those guys AUTOMATICALLY placed a higher value on her wishes than their own ..and mostly their relationship still deteriotated into divorce . Why do men do this?

 

[Create Reality]

I feel weird. I can't even think about sex after all of this.

Me and her are arranging to meet up today and talk some more. I don't think it's a good idea. I think I will flake just to throw a monkey wrench in her plans. Or maybe someone knows a way of communicating to her that will throw her off her game. I would go out and start meeting more girls, it is the 4th of July weekend. My problem is that so many ideas in my mind are harboring a kind of subconscious anger that she caused, I don't know if I would be my normal fun loving self if I went out. Do you guys have any suggestions?

 

[Warrior74]

I feel weird. I can't even think about sex after all of this.

Me and her are arranging to meet up today and talk some more. I don't think it's a good idea. I think I will flake just to throw a monkey wrench in her plans. Or maybe someone knows a way of communicating to her that will throw her off her game. I would go out and start meeting more girls, it is the 4th of July weekend. My problem is that so many ideas in my mind are harboring a kind of subconscious anger that she caused, I don't know if I would be my normal fun loving self if I went out. Do you guys have any suggestions?

Firstly. Cut all contact. Don't meet her, don't call her, don't answer her calls/text. If you have to respond, respond with only this. "Look, we both know it's over and I think it's time to move on, there is nothing else left to say. I wish you all the best and good luck" and hang up the phone. But honestly I don't suggest even doing that...she will try to suck you back in with conversation. Her goal is not to get you back, but to come out on top mentally. To feel she is better than you and to belittle you. Trust me on this.

The hardest thing to do as a man is to just accept the situation. It's passive and we are men who tend to want to fix things and want a clean resolution. That anger you feel is really at yourself. If you look deeply enough you will see it's anger at your own weakness, not at her, not at women in general. Your projecting.

Go out with your friends this weekend, focus on having fun and wanting nothing from females. I know that is probably contrary to most advice you would get here (go **** 10 other girls, find some new poon). But you need some time to get back to yourself. If you meet someone, cool. If you see someone checking you out, go for it. But don't worry about it.

If your feeling down, make a list of all the things that are good in your life and take a moment to feel honest appreciation for them. You have your health, your family, your friends, your job, your life! So much to appreciate. Enjoy the things that make you you and have some fun this weekend! Good luck!