A different way of looking at oneitis?

[quaker]

Ok so I know the prevailing wisdom here is that people develop oneitis, illogically I might add, for a multitude of reasons. They believe a girl is "special" or they have a lack of options, or gain an unhealthy attachment that isn't reciprocated, or use a woman as an extension of self-worth (and when she leaves, their world is rocked), or see the woman as a completion of themselves.

That's all well and good, but has anyone considered another reason, which might be logical, for why a person might get oneitis?

That reason is: The unique set of traits a woman possesses, might be a perfect FIT for one particular individual (no, she's not special or unique necessarily, but she might just be a man's BEST fit attribute-wise), so naturally, when a man loses this girl, he doesn't see how it's possible to find a woman who has ALL of these same traits that his previous girl has, that he loves so much.

Take, for example, my last oneitis. I'll list some attributes:

-Good face and body, including a particularly good looking vagina (and tight). Would send pictures and other material (naked) whenever requested.

-shy yet sweet personality. certain quirks in her personality I have yet to find in another person. this made her endearing.

-Loved to give head, and swallowed, and didn't expect anything in return. was even ok with just foreplay and Would be ok with meeting me almost anytime and anywhere (vehicles even) to do just that, multiple times. And we lived fairly far away from each other. Just a very sexual person. was all about pleasing and was good at it too! open to facials, recording it, on and on sexually. I've never had a girl who was as open to all this stuff as she was. Not just open, but EXCITED about it because it was all new.

-Sexually inexperienced and hadn't been with many guys at all (most girls are in double digits with partners). Yet, was submissive and willing to try EVERYTHING with me. would do whatever I asked her to do with no issues and was excited to try new things with me.

-intelligent and could actually hold a conversation. Always tried to help with problems. had the EXACT same opinions on multiple controversial issues which MANY people would not see eye to eye with me on.

-was willing to trust me with certain private information that she would trust no one else with.

-Enjoyed doing the same things I did, and had a certain connection and meshing I've been unable to find with other women.

-never got bored when we'd talk for hours every day.

That's just a short list. I could go on and on with this. I can find 2 or 3 of these traits that would be hard to find on a woman ALONE, let alone TOGETHER. the stars have to align, it seems. especially with the women I've been dating. Some of these traits are quite important too. so it seems I won't be as happy with someone else as I Was her, unless I convince myself I'm happy to take a downgrade.

Now, the point isn't on the attributes themselves, so try to take your focus off this. HOWEVER, what are the odds I Would find a woman with ALL of this criteria? Obviously something would be missing, or maybe there'd be an additional negative trait. SOMETHING would have to give. Even if someone had 90% of what she had, there'd still be that missing 10%, which makes the new person a downgrade from her.

So then you lose her. Add to this, that the REASON you lost her was mostly because of going into AFC mode, which I did. You know EVERYTHING you did wrong, but there are no second chances.

So I ask (and yes, this is an attempt to destroy my oneitis), is this not a logical reason to develop oneitis? How does one recover when they look at it this way?

I can get on board with all the "illogical" reasons for getting oneitis that people give. All the ones I listed at the beginning of this post are all healable with time and no contact, etc.

But once you realize that this person was basically your perfect fit (not special, not a unique snowflake in the general sense, just an amazing fit for YOU), and you'll never find someone with all of these traits that you value in a woman, how do you recover or find the motivation to go out and look for what will likely result in a downgrade?

Any thoughts or way to break this thought cycle would be appreciated. As well as any philosophical thoughts on this "logical" reason to get oneitis, a reason that might perhaps be...unbreakable short of just "accepting" that you'll have to take a downgrade in a woman?

 

[MisterD]

Well, I think first you have to eliminate this belief from your mind--"you'll never find someone with all of these traits that you value in a woman". And this one--"accepting that you'll have to take a downgrade in a woman".

Just like you didn't know you would ever meet a girl like her until you actually did meet her, you don't know what else exists out there until you meet them.

If you guys were a perfect match, you'd still be together.

Just remember there will always be quality women out there. Girls that will top this one.

You can't live your life thinking you just ended things with the best possible girl for you. That means every other relationship from here on in won't be able to compare in your eyes.

You have to honestly believe there are women of equal or better value than her out there or you're already playing from behind.

 

[ezio]

Oneitis is a diseases that requires immediate treatment before it becomes terminal. last count the're over 7billion people in the world, if you look hard and long enough you'll find a girl just like her or even better. the problem with oneitis is you develop the mindset that a particular girl is so extraordinary you put her on a pedestal and are ready to take all kinds of crap from her. save yourself the future heartbreak bro.

 

[loveshogun]

It is rational to believe that at some point in time, the ABSOLUTE PERFECT woman for you has or will have existed.

It is unwise to build your life around that 1 in a 10^10000000 chance.

If you really think about it, all one-itis is logical. It's just that the logical conclusions of someone with one-itis are built around faulty assumptions and crazed obsession. But, you know, everything they do makes sense to them at the time.

 

[backbreaker]

Ok so I know the prevailing wisdom here is that people develop oneitis, illogically I might add, for a multitude of reasons. They believe a girl is "special" or they have a lack of options, or gain an unhealthy attachment that isn't reciprocated, or use a woman as an extension of self-worth (and when she leaves, their world is rocked), or see the woman as a completion of themselves.

That's all well and good, but has anyone considered another reason, which might be logical, for why a person might get oneitis?

That reason is: The unique set of traits a woman possesses, might be a perfect FIT for one particular individual (no, she's not special or unique necessarily, but she might just be a man's BEST fit attribute-wise), so naturally, when a man loses this girl, he doesn't see how it's possible to find a woman who has ALL of these same traits that his previous girl has, that he loves so much.

Take, for example, my last oneitis. I'll list some attributes:

-Good face and body, including a particularly good looking vagina (and tight). Would send pictures and other material (naked) whenever requested.

-shy yet sweet personality. certain quirks in her personality I have yet to find in another person. this made her endearing.

-Loved to give head, and swallowed, and didn't expect anything in return. was even ok with just foreplay and Would be ok with meeting me almost anytime and anywhere (vehicles even) to do just that, multiple times. And we lived fairly far away from each other. Just a very sexual person. was all about pleasing and was good at it too! open to facials, recording it, on and on sexually. I've never had a girl who was as open to all this stuff as she was. Not just open, but EXCITED about it because it was all new.

-Sexually inexperienced and hadn't been with many guys at all (most girls are in double digits with partners). Yet, was submissive and willing to try EVERYTHING with me. would do whatever I asked her to do with no issues and was excited to try new things with me.

-intelligent and could actually hold a conversation. Always tried to help with problems. had the EXACT same opinions on multiple controversial issues which MANY people would not see eye to eye with me on.

-was willing to trust me with certain private information that she would trust no one else with.

-Enjoyed doing the same things I did, and had a certain connection and meshing I've been unable to find with other women.

-never got bored when we'd talk for hours every day.

That's just a short list. I could go on and on with this. I can find 2 or 3 of these traits that would be hard to find on a woman ALONE, let alone TOGETHER. the stars have to align, it seems. especially with the women I've been dating. Some of these traits are quite important too. so it seems I won't be as happy with someone else as I Was her, unless I convince myself I'm happy to take a downgrade.

Now, the point isn't on the attributes themselves, so try to take your focus off this. HOWEVER, what are the odds I Would find a woman with ALL of this criteria? Obviously something would be missing, or maybe there'd be an additional negative trait. SOMETHING would have to give. Even if someone had 90% of what she had, there'd still be that missing 10%, which makes the new person a downgrade from her.

So then you lose her. Add to this, that the REASON you lost her was mostly because of going into AFC mode, which I did. You know EVERYTHING you did wrong, but there are no second chances.

So I ask (and yes, this is an attempt to destroy my oneitis), is this not a logical reason to develop oneitis? How does one recover when they look at it this way?

I can get on board with all the "illogical" reasons for getting oneitis that people give. All the ones I listed at the beginning of this post are all healable with time and no contact, etc.

But once you realize that this person was basically your perfect fit (not special, not a unique snowflake in the general sense, just an amazing fit for YOU), and you'll never find someone with all of these traits that you value in a woman, how do you recover or find the motivation to go out and look for what will likely result in a downgrade?

Any thoughts or way to break this thought cycle would be appreciated. As well as any philosophical thoughts on this "logical" reason to get oneitis, a reason that might perhaps be...unbreakable short of just "accepting" that you'll have to take a downgrade in a woman?

the problem with this thought process is that if she was that great in the first place, she would, like you, realize just how great you two are together and how you are meant to be with each other.

the fact that she cannot realize that you are a guy worth dating upon itself is enough to show you that she does not have all the traits that you are looking for in a woman.

also it works both ways. you can't will someone to have feelings for you, you either do or tehy don't. looking back on it, for the most part, the girl that br4ought me here, she would have made a decent wife. she had her issues but for the most part i pegged her right. she was a catch. with that said, i eventually realized that i could meet antoher woman just as go[od and i met one and married one better.

 

[Iceberg]

Now, the point isn't on the attributes themselves, so try to take your focus off this. HOWEVER, what are the odds I Would find a woman with ALL of this criteria? Obviously something would be missing, or maybe there'd be an additional negative trait. SOMETHING would have to give. Even if someone had 90% of what she had, there'd still be that missing 10%, which makes the new person a downgrade from her.

But once you realize that this person was basically your perfect fit (not special, not a unique snowflake in the general sense, just an amazing fit for YOU), and you'll never find someone with all of these traits that you value in a woman, how do you recover or find the motivation to go out and look for what will likely result in a downgrade?

The problem is that you're trying to define this "perfect fit" based on what you had.

The reality is that aside from a few 100% necessary traits (respectful, attractive, etc), none of us can pre-determine what our "perfect fit" is. Of course we all have our tastes, but those tastes aren't set in stone.

You like this girl because she's shy yet sweet, and she confides private information to you, and she has the same hobbies. But here's the thing - the NEXT girl you date, maybe you'll like her because she's not shy, and she has different hobbies than you, which you enjoy learning about.

I think one concept that really affects your perception of relationships and kills one-itis is when you realize there is no perfect woman.

And as backbreaker said, if she were your perfect fit, she'd still be yours. The one criteria you're missing in the "gives good head, shy and quiet, submissive" list is "This girl MUST want me. All the time."

Although you're trying to present this as a logical argument, I still can't escape the notion that it's based on your feelings. You lost a girl that you liked for X,Y, and Z reasons, and you fear that you'll never find that combination again. But the problem is....who says you NEED that combination. The foundation of your next LTR will be based around you both LIKING each other, not a list of traits.

 

[quaker]

the problem with this thought process is that if she was that great in the first place, she would, like you, realize just how great you two are together and how you are meant to be with each other.

the fact that she cannot realize that you are a guy worth dating upon itself is enough to show you that she does not have all the traits that you are looking for in a woman

This would be true under normal circumstances, but again, I pretty much drove her away with obsessive, afc behavior, and she got with someone. she tolerated a lot of my crap but it was ridiculous how bad I got. I drove her away. however, she lied about a lot of things, which was definitely a negative trait.

IF a girl had only those good traits and no bad ones(doubtful, and you didnt bother listing any...a surefire sign of oneitis)

Correct, I do have oneitis, but the view I listed in the OP, is why I'm having a hard time breaking it, so I was looking for some perspective. Of course she did have negative traits, but I'm finding the good ones outweighed the bad, particularly because of how rare that good combination of traits in ONE woman is. As for "where's the loyalty?" despite the fact I went all AFC, well, she thinks I did something to her that I Actually didn't do, but she hates me for it now. It's something that would make anyone angry, but she won't even listen to me when I tell her it didn't happen.

The problem is that you're trying to define this "perfect fit" based on what you had.

The reality is that aside from a few 100% necessary traits (respectful, attractive, etc), none of us can pre-determine what our "perfect fit" is. Of course we all have our tastes, but those tastes aren't set in stone.

You like this girl because she's shy yet sweet, and she confides private information to you, and she has the same hobbies. But here's the thing - the NEXT girl you date, maybe you'll like her because she's not shy, and she has different hobbies than you, which you enjoy learning about.

I think one concept that really affects your perception of relationships and kills one-itis is when you realize there is no perfect woman.

And as backbreaker said, if she were your perfect fit, she'd still be yours. The one criteria you're missing in the "gives good head, shy and quiet, submissive" list is "This girl MUST want me. All the time."

Although you're trying to present this as a logical argument, I still can't escape the notion that it's based on your feelings. You lost a girl that you liked for X,Y, and Z reasons, and you fear that you'll never find that combination again. But the problem is....who says you NEED that combination. The foundation of your next LTR will be based around you both LIKING each other, not a list of traits.

It's true to an extent that I'm basing it on what I had, but I realize after the fact what a good fit all these traits were, and how rare it was to find all of this in one woman, when you'd be hard-pressed to find even one of these traits in a woman, let alone all of them.

Basically sexually inexperienced yet attractive (rare in itself and important to me in an LTR) with a nice body and a tight, aesthetic vag. very open sexually and excited to try new things with me, loved giving (good) bjs and swallowing, to the point she'd meet almost anywhere just to do it, ENJOYED facials, and on and on really. That sexual aspect I'm finding is rare in women too (especially with the combo of being inexperienced and all the other stuff I listed in the OP).

And without wanting to rehash the OP, it's a COMBINATION of all those things I listed in it, that had I NOT met her, would be what I would want in a woman. I mean, of those traits I listed, who WOULDN'T want someone with all those things?

It's not that I NEED that combination, but right now, I'm seeing other women who do not possess all those positives as a downgrade. and it's not that I'm comparing them to this girl either, I guess now, she's made my standards even higher in what I expect from women.

And trust me, I know she wasn't perfect, but after dating around for a while, no one even comes close even though I'm giving everyone a shot.

And I see your point about us not being able to pre-determine our "perfect fit" but once you've had your closest thing to perfect fit, how do you destroy the mindset that new girls who don't possess these traits are a downgrade?

 

[Serg897]

I've been struggling with this too the past few months. Its hard to come to terms with the fact that a girl that SEEMED to have everything you want dissapeared from your life. Especially when you realize that you had an AFC reversion during the time spent with her.

This all happened to me. There are a couple of things that I try to think about to bring things back into perspective:

1.) Like it has already been said on this thread, the "perfect" girl must like you enough to stick around. AFC reversion notwithstanding, any girl that decides she no longer wants you in her life is already lacking in a major criteria.

2.) When you were with her, were you confident in the relationship? Secure that things were good? Happy? Or were you insecure, afraid to lose her, invested, preoccupied, unhappy? I certainly was - and I honestly couldnt help it. Her sexual prowess and other traits made me feel so good, she honestly ****ed with my neurochemistry in crazy ways. She looked great and fvcked like a pornstar, so It was bliss when I was lying in bed with her, but when I was away from her I would be thinking about her constantly, or when I was out dancing with her I would notice every other guy that tried to talk to her and hit on her, and constantly battle feelings of jealousy.

This is no way to live, but it wouldn't have straightened itself out if she had stayed. Only in the months after, with extensive self-reflection have I realized that this experience like the ones before uncovered a problem, a deficiency within myself that needed solving.

3.) There is no perfect girl. Every girl is repleacable. Every single one. As has already been said, there are other women with similar traits that will rekindle the same feelings, or other women with DIFFERENT traits that will also fill the role. Oneitis fills us with the false belief that this is not the case, that somehow no other woman will ever be able to replicate the same feelings ever again, and that somehow you have lost a crucial part of your existence. It is quite evident that this belief is false after a time, because eventually one finds another girl that replaces a previous oneitis.

I've had about four experiences like this in my life. I feel nothing now for the previous three (in fact, I can hardly believe I felt the way I did about the third one - she was NOT anything special now in retrospect). This fact alone proves that at its core oneitis is irrational and self-damaging.

Overall, oneitis comes from a lack of self worth. Those of us that get stricken by it are unhappy with ourselves as we are, and are looking for that perfect girl to come along and make us complete. The problem is, no girl is ever going to be able to do that for us, and this is why we get AFC reversions and crash and burn every single time until we get this part of ourselves straightened out.

 

[Iceberg]

And I see your point about us not being able to pre-determine our "perfect fit" but once you've had your closest thing to perfect fit, how do you destroy the mindset that new girls who don't possess these traits are a downgrade?

I had a very good ex whom I dated for 2 years. The end result is different because I broke up with her, not vice versa. But still, when evaluating new women and their worthiness of a LTR, I'll compare them to my ex.....Because she had very good qualities that you'd want in a LTR.

But I don't look at new women I date as downgrades. They're just women who I'm dating. It feels like you have this idea that everyone you date has to be some LTR prospect. I've dated (or banged) a lot of women, but I've only had two serious LTRs in my life. One from when I was 18 - 20. Another from when I was 26 - 28. Long Term Relationships, if you have standards and ambition and goals OTHER than having a girlfriend, are RARE anyway. So the fact that you're seeing how rare it is to find a LTR-worthy girl is just how life is.

So, I suppose if you have a NEED to constantly be in relationships, then I can understand you freaking out about how difficult it will be to start a new one. But reality is, your girl is replaceable. You're not the first person to get dumped by someone he likes. You won't be the last. The world moves on, and you'll find a LTR that works.