A Conversation With a Friend.

[A-Unit]

I'm posting in the MATURE section, as I'm 26 in 2 weeks, and, well, that qualifies me, doesn't it? That, and the "friend" I am referring to is just over 40. I wouldn't qualify him as AFC, especially because I'm so sick of seeing the world from the highly technical vantage point so very many newbies do when they come here. It's quite limiting. Labeling everything and everybody discounts life down to precisely "what can you do for me." It really yanks the mystery out of life and boils it down to a strictly Darwinian state of biological imperatives. But that's conversation for another day...


*********

My friend (40) has now an X-gf of soon-to-be 26 years old. Prior to this week, their talk of marriage was all the rage. A year ago, he and I were sarging, with great success, and discussing game theory. Eventually he fell into a relationship, which seemed to have hailed from a One Night Stand.

Before we talked, he played her phone message she had left him. Immediately I raised my eyebrows as I wondered..."Why would you leave THIS on a phone message?" I don't recall the time, but the gist of the phone message was about 'not hurting him, needing to figure herself out, wanting to remain friends, thanking him for being there despite the awkwardness of the moments, and hopes the future comes together.' For even the faintest noob, you know what that means. You're dumped, it's over, and she wants to keep close without the guilt. In her partial defense, she's now an hour away, studying medicine, and is borrowing 100,000 dollars for the next 2 years, straight, no breaks, no time off, no part-time work to hedge her income. Nothing. Just straight debt, so success must be assured.

None of this matters, though. Her side of the equation is irrelevant. It really is. Because she made her decision. Bottom line, nothing matters of what she says beyond "I can't do this." I let him vent for awhile to fill me in, and then bolstered his side of the equation with tomes of value that I would hopefully employ in the same situation. [It's not always easy to apply what we know, but it's very easy to tell other's to as we say].

What amounted with seeing him in this sort of fractured state, combined with a close person losing their father, a friend divorcing his wife, and reading bits and pieces of Mirror of the Soul Blog spot, is a milieu of advice I gave to him, that hopefully rights his ship, despite our difference in age (15 years).

***************

I realize getting pvssy becomes nearly the highest order priority, like water in the desert, for the man who has none, wants some, needs some, and wants to learn. As mentioned in another thread, sex isn't without risk. In fact, the risks definately outweight one nut busting event. 1 minute, or less of pleasure isn't worth the short, or long-term pain involved with kids, potential pregnancies, thoughts about abortion, pills, psycho women, having to provide for 18 years to a woman you may or may not like/love, and the hoard of disease you do or don't know about.

Getting and enjoying prime women is more about WHO YOU ARE, than WHO THEY ARE. Even a blind squirrel finds/busts a nut every now and then. It doesn't take an AFC with looks of one much improvement to tag any kind of woman, but it does take a man of some value to find value in women. Because he himself must know who he is ENTERING the relationship.

***********

More importantly guys...the minute, the second, the hour you read this, at the age you are...IS THE ONLY POINT IN TIME SPECIFICALLY LIKE THIS THAT WILL EXIST. Read that again. Well, that original moment is over...but, alas, a new one comes yet again. That's human tragedy. We get more time, but not more unique moments. Every point in time is a unique moment in life. Every second of everyday is the only second of that day, at your current age, with that current breath, body, place in time, location; everything. And when you boil it down...how do you spend it?

Enjoying life, maintaining a happy, joyful state of mind, or pining over women? Complaining you find no women? Complaining about the ills of past relationships? Do you stay on the negative pole or the positive pole?

I had to awaken my friend to the plight he was missing. We just finished a great 18 holes of golf on the water, ate some food at Margaritas with tons of hot girls around us, and he had his mind (not his body) in another location, MISSING life itself RIGHT before him. His spirit was being controlled by his ego/mind. His mind was pumping in negative thoughts about what he SHOULD DO, or what he THOUGHT he wanted (but didn't). Sad, isn't it?

Worse off, he had gotten a girl's number he actually had a genuine connection with the NIGHT before he broke up with his gf, WHILE he was with his gf. Great circumstances right? He was sitting on hot digits, as she gave them to him, and yet he opined over a girl who wasn't excited about his presence in her life? Fawk that. I told him to do whatever he wants, but those sizzling digits will cool off if he didn't hit them soon. His biggest concern was..."My X might find out and it wouldn't be appropriate since we just broke up, and the new girl might think she's a rebound."

As I told him..."that's the negative side of the coin, what's the positive?" He missed. That the night they met was DESTINED to happen. Had that night not happened, and he not broken up with his gf, the opportunity to date this new girl would never have occured, so "call her and tell her the truth, and tell her they have a chance, serendipity, and to use it." If for some reason she balks, move on. But to shirk around the truth is weak, and will weaken her confidence in you.

He was on the negative, and the more negative you focus, the more you grow negativity in your life. Why? Because, the positive sits there and dies. For those not able to "visual" the secret in life, consider this idea or analgoy. You're my friend, you got a great new job at a semiprivate club. You can play unlimited golf. Your girl dumped you. You have incredible friends, a good time always finds you, and there's unlimited potential at your finger tips. If you waste your time JUST working, then going home PLOTTING how to get this one girl back and stay online researching with SOSUAVE how to game her, or get in her the long-run, you're just growing ALL THE ROOTS attached to the tree of negativity.

However, if you work your new job to the hilt, get connected, befriend some of the multimillionaires, get out, focus on new hobbies you always wanted to do but couldn't with a gf. Hang out with friends you may have lost connections with or missed that you didn't when in a relationship, and use that saved money to generate other income streams, in which scenario is your life REMARKABLY better?

***************

There isn't anything I can tell a guy to get more chicks. And in most cases, YOU CANNOT. The biggest thing that keeps guys from TRUE success is believing that somewhere, somehow the answers are OUT THERE. They're not. They're not on Sosuave, mASF, or anywhere else. They're not in friends, clubs, PUA artists, or guru's. They're in you. Only you can unlock your own doors. You hold the keys, and the locks.

I've been here some 2 years. I'll be leaving soon. Not that I need to announce it, but I want to disconnect my mind from the whole idea of it. I see the same things come up, often the same guys repeat the same mistakes, seeking a new tactic to combat the reality that the problem is inside, and not something manifested "by a new breed of woman." Even having talked with my friend who, down at his base level heart doesn't need these talks, because he's been there for me. For me when I was at an airport at my X-gf dumped me off, 2000 miles away from the home and I just wanted to talk to someone who was actually "nice and family." And many other times.

***************

As Rollo Has pointed out, the AFC who acquires "tactics" just becomes an armed AFC that eventually becomes a weak mature AFC because his search has always been outside himself, it's been women. They're just symbols of what he's looking for. The source, the answers, some tangible to piece of life to cling to. You don't need to acquire anything like Cosmo might suggest, or Askmen.com might suggest, or even Maxim. Doing that, in an indirect way, is only succumbing to the matriachy anyways. You being you is the MOST masculine thing. Whether that means loving fantasy sports, dungeons and dragons, emo music, having dreads, braids, liking plaid, enjoying wines, liking pink, smoking cigars, being a thug; name a thousands labels with positive and negative connotations. It isn't about "trying" either, because that's as much failure as gaming chicks under false pretenses, because NOW you do you, just to get girls.

All this crap, or a good piece...is trying to play "the game" on woman's turf. Men learning ridiculous tactics, AMOGING and PEACOCKING (i.e. competing amongst themselves for 1 woman or a few), and they're supplicating to women's tactics, and playing women's games. If that isn't AFC, I'm not sure what is.



A-Unit

Cont'd

 

[A-Unit]

Re:

Concepts:

[Grow the positive, turn away from the negative]
[Every moment in life is unique]
[When a woman decides, don't fight back with logic]
[Be with a woman who's as excited or more excited to hear from you, than you are her.]


Most times guys miss the BIG BIG cue...she's watching out for number 1, why aren't you?

My friend missed it, too, when he was debating over calling this 'new' girl versus 'hoping' for a future with his old girl. If he wants a friendship, that's great, but a friendship with someone SHOULD not negate any of your life's choices, or that is not a friendship. In the case of my friend, he was missing the point she made a decision to movie away north to study medicine. She has chosen to examine herself and see if she's ready for a more permanent relationship. She has chosen to end it. She chose. Most women don't want to deal with the results of their choices. Unlike men, women run to whom every they can, and will cuss most guys out for not being there to pick them up. Men, however, rarely have the support network women do, or need it. Sometimes you have a friend to talk to about stuff, but as most men know, without a solution to the problem you're wrestling with, it's just mental masturbation and appear to be making it worse.

He had to realize she made her decision and was looking out for number one, so should you, guys. Another mistake guys make is not taking action when the relationship ends. Maybe you don't want to, don't. But if you're sitting on a number, or a few numbers, and you're trying to be honest, just put HER actions into perspective and consider that she CHOSE to end it, so she's done. Anything short of total emotional committment is an automatic relationship ender. As I told my friend..."She's shooting all around the bullseye, but not hitting it. She's missing the major issue, just like you are."

She was confused, innundated with a multitude of issues, and she had some weird expectations for school, like most women who are dreamy career gals. Ask most girls, and they pick MANY of their jobs because of the IMAGE it creates and the subsequent feelings its responsible for. Girls will take sales jobs, thinking they'll be high profile saleswomen in NY or Boston. Girls will go into management, thinking they can go on nice trips, and wonderful dinners. Or better yet, be teachers because they "love kids." Most people love kids, but only their own kids. In the case of my buddy's gf, she was "all about this new voyage and fully experiencing it." She was more into the social context of what it represented than just focusing on the purpose of being there. This is why MOST guys who depart for college CAN remain in a relationship, because they separate the PURPOSE for being there from the moment. Its foolish, because you're never REALLY alive until YOUR mind is connected to the moment and the world you're in at that moment.

*****************

[A Woman Builds Your World Up, and Supports It]

A woman, especially when you COMMITT that much, should build your world up, support your reality, not detract from it, disrespect it, or degrade it. A guy not quite right has no center. When his woman is an emotional storm, so will he be. He has no sense of reality, so when she flips, to him, it's the end of the world, rather than just another one of her "incidents." Women will do that. Some women do it to test. Yet other's do it because they're nuts. Over time, you're ability to discern crazy women from PUSHERS will grow. It isn't written in a book, it's just something you gain from experience. Boundary pushing is expected, it's part of THE SECRET OF THE JERK, because a Jerk maintains his boundaries like the US does now enforcing immigration.

At that precise moment in my friend's life, he was allowing her emotions to wreak havoc on his. She gave no care. Her integrity is to her feelings and her's alone. If she chooses you, because you give her positive emotions, through laughing, sex, or social advantages, then she will choose you more often. If she inevitably chooses that you can no longer provide that, or that she does not want what it is you provide, then she quits you and your "emotional feed" into her life. In this case, she did just that. There isn't a THING that can be said except, "Goodbye, have a nice life." The option to remain friends is your's, as are the consequences that come from it.

Is this a selfish viewpoint? Absolutely. But don't mistake that for life and giving. You can't be a slave to someone. If you watch out for number, know what makes you happy, then you won't find yourself in an impossible situation with precarious consequences. Alot of times, you fall for the "idea" of what a specific woman could be, or, that she might change in the way you want. In my opinion, a woman DOES NOT have the capacity to change in ways a man CAN. Men can be objective viewers of their life, adding or subtracting behaviors as they see fit, controlling it. We can be impartial viewers. Women really can't. With such strong emotions, trying to divorce yourself of that (or herself) is very difficult, if not impossible.

My buddy struggled with this, as his girl mentioned "changing to be right for their future, long-term relationship." I think a piece of that is bad. It's difficult, and almost sad to have to watch your behavior SO much just to HAVE a relationship. It's next to desperation. We're not talking about backing off on going to Strip Clubs, we're talking things that you say, feel, or do regularly. If you choose to improve or change, it's for you and you alone. And if that improvement brings what you want, great. But also, if in time you lose the thing you changed for and are pissed because you felt you'd always have it, you have no right to be upset over changing because you changed to get that thing.

****************

[Meeting a New Women is All About How you Feel For Yourself, and then the Moment You're In With Her]

Activiting your confidence barometer happens BEFORE you meet her. The more happy you are with your life, the more often you'll find yourself around women and actually ABLE to take advantage of those situations. If you're generally in control of your emotional state and happy wherever you are, the outcome of situations is negligible. You don't care. You're for the moment, however it unfolds. If you sit at home, looking forward to the clubs or meeting women as if it's the ONLY thing you've got, the success or failure will impact your emotional state SO much, your game is fawked before it began. Do you really want that?

You don't need lines when you're happy wherever you are, in control. Because YOU'RE a real person being real. Have you ever wondered where such lines and systems came from?

From guys who were successful, NLP model practitioners and 'cheaters' copied what other's did to get results. That's fine and good, but life exists in the CHOICES we make, since that's the ONLY power we have. The power to choose positive over negative. The power choose improvement over degradation. The power to choose. Bottom line. Not choosing is death, since you forego action. Choice precedes action.

*****************

My thoughts behind reiterating a conversation with a friend was to demonstrate that regardless of age, the same stumbling blocks can trip up even the most seasoned vets, or the newest, awakened AFC. That even if you successfully get girls, you're still not "in the clear" from the afflictions of an AFC, you've just managed to masquerade the pains hiding below. I didn't present this in perfect form, but then FORM FOLLOWS FUNCTION, and even if my post looked pretty, it might not contain anything worth a damn, so I stated it as thoughts poured out. I don't know all things, I only know what observe and use, that a talent of mine is being able to view things from a macro view as opposed to micro views. And when you witness a friend's relationship melt down before your eyes, another friend lose his father and sit praying before his coffin, and realize the majesty that we can have anything we focus on in life, you come to feel you waste alot on wasteful people and things.

Goodluck and Be Well,



A-Unit

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Real change works from the inside out. If you don't change your mind about yourself, you wont change anything else. Women can change their hair color, their makeup, clothes, breast size, and any number of cosmetic alteration on a whim or as they can afford them, but the constant discontent, the constant inadequecies they complain of are rooted in their self-perceptions, not how others perceive them.

This is an outside-in mentality; hoping the external will change the internal, and it's just this mentality that men apply to themselves. The only difference being the application. The AFC (for lack of a better term) has the same problem as the vain woman - a lack of true understanding of their own problem. It's very difficult to do self-analysis and self-criticism, particularly when it comes to questioning our own beliefs and the reasons our personalities are what they are. It's akin to telling someone they're not living their lives 'correctly' or that they're raising their children 'wrong'; only it's more difficult because we're doing the telling about ourselves to ourselves. Self-estimation (not self-esteem) NEVER happens spontaneously, there always has to be some crisis to prompt it. Anxiety, trauma and crisis are necessary catalysts to stimulate self-consciousness. It's at these points in our lives that we do our best introspection, we have our 'spiritual awakenings' and yes, discover what abysmal, simpering AFCs we've become.

The term Power has a lot of misconnotations applied to it. When we think of Powerful people, we think of influence, wealth, prestige, status and the ability to have others do our bidding - all of these are not Power. And as much as we'd like to convince ourselves that women are attracted to this Power, this is false. Because what I've described as aspects of Power here are really manifestations of being manipulative. Here's a cosmic secret revealed for you, Real Power is the degree to which a person has control over their own circumstances. Real Power is the degree to which we control the directions of our lives. When we allow our thinking, our personality disorders and our mental schemas, combined with their accompanying behaviors, to determine the course of our decisions, we relenquish real Power. The man who bears the responsibilities, liabilities and accountabilities that are required of him through marriage, committment, family, fatherhood, career choice, etc. leaves him very little influence over the course of his own life.

The painter Paul Gaugin is one of history's most powerful men. At middle age Paul was a "successful" banker, with a wife and chldren and by all appearances, a man of great merit and considerable wealth. Then one day Paul decided to paint. He left his wife, children and his money, and decided he would become a painter. He cast off his former life to live the life he chose, he had the power to assume control of it. Eventually he died in Tahitii, but not after having one of the most interesting of lives and becoming a world reknowned painter. You may think, what a horrible man he was to abdandon his responsibility to selfishly pursue his own desires, but the fact remains that he had the Power within himself to do so that most men would shudder to even consider. So entrapped are we in our self-expectation and self-imposed limitations that we fail to see that we have always had the keys to our own prisons - we're just scared sh!tless to use them.

This Power is the root of that all important 'confidence' we toss out everytime we tell a 19 y.o. AFC what women really want so he can get laid. It's this ability to make our own decisions, right or wrong, and to confidently own them that separate us from "other guys." It's this self-guided Power that evokes confidence to Spin Plates, to assert ourselves and to be unafraid to make ourselves the PRIZE, and it's just this Power that women want to be associated with.

Lack of this Power is exactly what makes mPUAs revert to some of the most pathetic AFCs once they become involved in an LTR. They sell women on this idealization and the perception that they possess this Power only to discover the AFC insecurities these behaviors were meant to cover up once they've bought the act. This isn't to devalue PUA skills as effective behavior sets, rather it's meant to illustrate the behaviors that should be manifest as a result of effecting a real personal change. It should be that adopting a positive masculine DJ mental schema prompts these PUA skills as a result. Instead we have the cart before the horse in a mad rush to get that all important pvssy we've been deprived of for so long, by masking our deficit in real Power and understanding with rotely memorized PUA techniques hoping that by practicing them they'll turn into "natural game" and we'll mature enough to initiate a lasting personal change.

 

[Desdinova]

Excellent post, A-Unit!

[Grow the positive, turn away from the negative]

One thing that I've learned to do in life is finding the positive to the negative. The other side of the coin ALWAYS exists, no matter how small. You just have to look for it:

Negative: You lose your job
Positive: You get a job you actually like

Negative: Your gf leaves you
Positive: You can date 3 new women

Negative: Your house burns down
Positive: Get a brand new house

She has chosen to examine herself and see if she's ready for a more permanent relationship. She has chosen to end it. She chose.

Women make lots of choices, be them based on logic or emotion (usually it's the latter). Men need to realize that unless the woman makes the choice, there's no need to act accordingly. She only cheats on you if she chooses to sleep with the man she's talking to. Until she chooses to do this, her choice is to remain exclusively with you.

Lots of men don't seem to understand that women can and DO make choices. The guy she cheats with is actually only a bystander. She chose to sleep with him. She chose to cheat on her bf. The bystander didn't choose to destroy the man's relationship. The women chose to do that.

 

[newbie81]

Great Post A-unit & Rollo.

Everything comes from within. You can act confident, busy, challenging, not needy,... but if you act it, you'll stay an actor. A disguised AFC, an imposter, playing the role of the DJ.

My longest 1year LTR ended because I need time to work on myself. The LTR commitments took too much of time. Yes I'm an egoist, no there's nothing wrong with that.


Please check the thread I started: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=103802


-peace.

 

[resilient]

A very enjoyable read A-Unit. Lots of wisdom found in this post. I was just starting to get discouraged about the last 4 short 3-5 month STRs that have not making it into LTRs in the last 6-7 years, but then realized life wasn't so bad.

Without having to focus on women, I could go out and accomplish amazing things. Since finding sosuave last Nov. I've been able to get over a very bad case of oneitis that cheated on me and disrespect me, get over approach anxiety, develop social skills, confidence, move out of parents home, take care of bills, groceries, ebay all my old video games and cds, and dress more mature.

The gold nugget in your post was positive attitude. We men, can accomplish anything if we have the strength to endure and the willingness to become mature responsible men.

 

[jonwon]

very nice read, i am going to save this post to my fav'.

This may help me refraim my thinking to getting back on the dating scene.

Very wise words!

Self growth is the reason most are here, fancy PU lines are nothing compared to true internal success, something i am starting to truly grasp.

Has for the dating thing, it is a means to say, opportunitys from all i am letting slip!

 

[Bonhomme]