A complicated position, need some experienced advice...

[mikehelms]

This is where I got confused. I will see her on a regular basis because we share the same group of friends, so I figured just being her friend and being aloof was the right move until that relationship eventually dissolves like the last poster said, but I was told not to do that. I pretty will be hanging with her unless I start avoiding a lot of other friends. That being said:

Would it be beneficial to simply tell her that I refuse to be the rebound guy (not in a ****head way, but just in a way that shows i have self respect) and that I don't think we should fool around until she has her head on straight?

Is that a good move, or bad, and if it's bad what SHOULD I say in order to make it clear that I don't want to be the backup guy, while retaining the possibility of getting her in the future. That's as clear as I can get, and I'd rather do what I can now and wait if theres a chance I could nab her in the future. So my question is how do I stop fooling around with her, still be in her company, but tell or let her know I won't be the rebound guy all while having a shot later on.

That should be clear enough. Thanks.

 

[window]

In this situation you need to ask yourself what would you do if you had 5 other options all just as good looking and interesting. The answer is you wouldn't put up with this ho's half assed behaviour. Man up and tell her to give you a call when her boyfriend is out of the picture.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

bump DonS...quit screwing around...next time you get the chance shoot for the moon and tap into this babe.

 

[hover411]

bang her if the opportunity comes, stay cool, if she wants to continue hooking up... do so, keep it casual and DO NOT let her know that she has emotional leverage on you.....

DO NOT stay loyal like you are waiting for her to come around. she is juggling you and the ex, and you should start looking for other prospects also. bringing another girl into the picture will let her know you do not need her. If she does have any feelings for you, they will start to grow at this point.

escalating doesn't sound good- if things go wrong, it creates an awkward social situation for you when the two of you are with mutual friends.

telling her you refuse to be a rebound guy, just sounds weak to me. it's letting her know that it bothers you.

EDIT: another thing is to not be too available for her hookups. turn her down once in a while and be vague as to why, if she presses you on it, you could say you were hanging with another chick.

heck you might actually meet someone you like better in the meantime.

 

[mikehelms]

Thanks for all the advice. I guess the gist of what most of you are saying is I need to fvck the **** out of this chick and then do whatever I feel like on the side while she figures out which **** she wants for the long haul. Works for me.

 

[horaholic]

Sort of. What you need to do is actively pursue other women. If singer girl is the only one in the room, go for it, as long as you understand it probably wont go anywhere. I've never been able to turn around a bad-timing situation, and I dont know anyone who has. By the time she's ready for something, you will most likely be LJBF'd, and she'll probably have another guy picked out. Its reality.

Lose the oneitis, by spinning other plates. It will make you more attractive to her, while making her less important to you. Give yourself more options, and 'dont put your eggs in one basket.' Hah. I wonder if that saying has always had an ulterior motive.

 

[Mr. Me]

so I figured just being her friend ...

...is the best way to become her friend, not much else then that.

telling her you refuse to be a rebound guy, just sounds weak to me. it's letting her know that it bothers you.

That's right. Never let them see you sweat. Be the strong, silent type. There's a reason that has an effect on women.

If you don't want to become her rebound, then just don't become her rebound. It's up to you. It has nothing to do with telling her.

Besides which, why care if you're a rebound or not, really? If not you, it'll be someone else. So what? Some rebounds last forever, many don't. Most relationships don't work out anyway. So, what are you in this for? Some messy sex and some future awkward social situations while wondering why your putz is burning lately? You want to cohabitate with the songbird and make a nest? What?

I think you're thinking too much about this and thus making her of too much importance in your life. Ya think she's on a forum somewhere writing a thread about you? Relax!

'dont put your eggs in one basket.' Hah. I wonder if that saying has always had an ulterior motive.

Nah. If it did, then it would read, "Don't put your basket in one egg".

 

[legolas]

So after this long ass story, how do I get her to start forgetting about guitar guy who has no interest in an 'official' relationship, but obviously still enjoys her company when he wants it, and move in for the kill. All while they play in a band together and see each other quite often still?

It's elementary Watson. This guy obviously still fulfills a need for her which she may or may not be conscious of. Basically he does something for her which she feels she has to have in her life. Again this is not some sort of verbal agreement. Neither her, nor he know what it is, but it's like a drug she's addicted to. Maybe the sex is awesome, maybe there's a deeper connection, maybe he makes her feel a certain way.

If you can find it, and then provide it for her, she'll wean off of him. That's of course easier said than done. You cannot question her directly, obviously, because she'll think you're being weird. You can probably ask how it makes her feel when she's with him, but make sure the setting is non-threatening and she trusts you.

 

[Tazman]

You could always try the "nice a--hole" route. Basically, when you have conversations with her make her believe that you really care about whatever it is she expresses an interest in, but at the same time, don't spill your guts about anything and keep your contact with her minimal.

Don't give her the impression that you're at all "waiting" for her to make decisions, because it doesn't matter to you, you've got other things going on. She will like your attentiveness but call you a jerk because you tend to "disappear" once in a while. She might verbally express anger, but subconsciously enjoy the chase.

And yes of course when you two are alone you might as well go all the way unless she's telling you to stop (in that tone that makes you limp, kind of stop).

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jeff,
You must be some sort of Masochist......Musos are notoriously unstable and promiscuous,they also act like "Groupies"you are underestimating the pull another admired Muso will have....I see this regularly on the Dancing scene,a Woman who aspires to progress will often lower her standards on Personality,looks etc,dramatically,to pull a really classy dancer....This display thing has been done to death by Evolutionists,it is seen by some as being similar to the Peacocks Tail.

 

[mikehelms]

A fellow Sox fan. Excellent.

You make a lot of sense. Let's hope whatever he gives her that she can't resist isn't his guitar playing, because then I'm really fvcked. :crackup:

Otherwise, you're right, I'll pretty much just have to be all around awesome to counteract him. Luckily, I spend enough time with the kid and her that I should be able to figure out what he does that makes her tick. I wouldn't consider myself a friend of his, but we are friendly acquantainces and get along fine at parties. Keep your enemies closer, eh?

It's elementary Watson. This guy obviously still fulfills a need for her which she may or may not be conscious of. Basically he does something for her which she feels she has to have in her life. Again this is not some sort of verbal agreement. Neither her, nor he know what it is, but it's like a drug she's addicted to. Maybe the sex is awesome, maybe there's a deeper connection, maybe he makes her feel a certain way.

If you can find it, and then provide it for her, she'll wean off of him. That's of course easier said than done. You cannot question her directly, obviously, because she'll think you're being weird. You can probably ask how it makes her feel when she's with him, but make sure the setting is non-threatening and she trusts you.

 

[mikehelms]

Also, she IM'ed me earlier today and we talked for like 5 mins. I asked her if she was interested in hanging at her place tomorrow and that's a Go, so hopefully I don't **** it up tomorrow and finish the deed this time.

How should I follow it up if I do infact bang her? Sorry to sound so lame, but normally when I fvck a girl I don't give a **** about I will either call or the next day and let that be it, or not. Because it doesn't matter.

I suppose shooting her a text the next day saying what's up and then maybe disappearing for a few days wouldn't be the worst thing in the world? Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, especially if banging her tomorrow is a bad idea.

thanks for all the replies folks.

 

[hover411]

take the night as far as it will go, then YOU make the decision to leave.

1) If you bang her, be courteous and hang out for a bit, then bail out.

2) If you escalate and she doesn't let you bang her, be cool, don't get pissy, be courteous but make a timely exit with a smile on your face. Show that you got some edge, and that you got better things to do if she is gonna tease your balls.

3) Do not try and set up another date before you leave. If she tries to, let her know you will get back to her. Don't be too available.

4) Do not contact her after the date, let some time pass. Remember, you are her 2nd option. Don't let her think she is your 1st.

 

[mikehelms]

Ugh, looks like I fell into a trap. We were supposed to hang out and whatnot, infact she texted me and told me what time she was available and I said lets make it about a half hour later than that because I was doing stuff too. it's all good. Few hours later I get the 'i'm sorry, my place is no good tonight' excuse for some reason. I say "i'll be at XYZ bar with mary (our mutual friend) which was legit planned in advance. She says she can come out. I don't reply. She says "oh I'm not invited? I get it..." I wait about 10 mins, then say "Relax, we'll be here" she says she has no dough anyway. Me and mary decide to hang at her house with her BF and get drunk because it's near the bar. Mary calls the chick and gets her to come over for a bit. She comes over, stays for maybe an hour and has a few beers and then takes off.

Not good. While the excuses could be legitimate, what are the odds?

Is there any last ditch effort I can use here? I am obviously going to talk to other girls and all that, but what last suggestions is there to salvage this. Do I completely ignore her for awhile, is that the only course of action? I know I'm being stubborn but I hate losing and I'm determined to win this at all costs.

For the record I never let her know it bother me that she wasnt coming out. I simply said "Okay" in the text and left it at that.

The only option I think I have is to ignore her until she either tries to talk to me again, other than confront her and say "listen, it's obvious you're still into your Ex, you really need to work **** out"

I know this is pathetic but I hate fvcking losing, so if there is any advice that has a shot of working right now I need to hear it. Thanks.

 

[hover411]

sucks bro,

you played it properly though. nice job.

seeing as how she screwed up the plans, your best play would be to let her initiate next contact. remember you are her backup, and she cut you off from being in an intimate setting with her.

do not confront her about anything. be cool, and absolutely do not let her know she is under your skin. think "endgame", which is a lot more drawn out, the long-term battle with this broad. confronting her now is letting your emotions get the best of you.

in the meantime, you need to meet some ladies and bring them around where this broad will notice. don't let her be your focus, put her on the back burner, and don't burn that bridge for later.

 

[mikehelms]

thanks bro. you seem like you've been in a similar situation before? how did it turn out, if so?

As far as contact goes. Should I completely avoid her via text/facebook unless she initiates first contact (and even then, ignore her or reply here and there)

I see her out a few times a week because we frequent the same bars/places. Is this a problem, or should I just not really talk to her when we're at the same functions. Avoiding the places are an option I suppose too. Basically, what sort of communication would you recommend when we're in the same vicinity or should I completely limit any contact for a few weeks

 

[hover411]

i was in a somewhat similar situation with an ex that i posted on here about. we had re-initiated contact, things were going great. my slip-up was that i didn't build enough rapport before letting her know that i eventually wanted to give us another shot.

i probably shouldn't have ever even said something like that. the tension and uncertainty between us kept her wondering. she was totally interested and receptive to me until i let her know my position. it was a HUGE mistake.

we decided to keep it as friends. even though this is a don juan nono, she is an outta towner, and i wanted to leave the bridge open in case. i have since cut off contact and a few days ago she sent me a couple of emails where i wasn't the only recipient, to which i ignored. this was after about 3 weeks.

i've been spinning plates since and working on my inner game. it definitely gets the original off your mind. i've pretty much moved on, and am not hoping for a sudden change of heart or anything. not sure if i am going to initiate contact with her again, because it is honestly her loss and not mine. if she contacts me for whatever reason, i'm just gonna take it from there with a different frame of mind. live and learn.

------------------------------------------

i would not initiate contact on any level. respond to her though, just not immediately. say at least a 1/2 hour before a response.

don't avoid places where you would normally be just because she is there. the key to when you are both at the same places, is for her to see you having a FUN time. if you are gaming or chattin with other chicks in front of her, even better. but i wouldn't focus on that so much as just having a good time in general. social proof is a very powerful thing.

don't avoid talking to her at these places, but don't go out of your way to make conversation with her also. just be cool, friendly, and in a good and fun mood.

keep us updated bro!

 

[mikehelms]

Will do. Thanks for the advice.

I already threw out a line to this girl's mutual friend of ours telling her that I'm going out with some girl tomorrow night, so hopefully that gets back to her somehow. They're best female friends, so hopefully she gossips.

That should be good until I actually have some solid honies around me for real at the bars.

 

[Tazman]

I agree, you played this well. Key is to stay in this mind frame, no matter the encounter.

 

[mikehelms]

Went to the bar last night. She ended up showing up (we usually frequent the same bar on thurs)

Talked to her for a few mins and took off to another bar. Woke up today to 2 drunken texts from her, just randomness. "Heeeyyy" and "Yooooohooo"

Can't be bad, obviously I'm on her mind it seems. And obviously I didn't reply.