A complete mess

[fizzlestyx]

About 6 months ago I met a girl, got her number, and we started hanging out. I'm constantly busy with work and school, and as enlisted military she has to work around an unpredictable schedule. I don't think either of us expected things to get really serious, but especially over the last few months we've gotten very close.

She's got a turbulent past; her dad apparently went through an alcoholic phase, and she's suffered a lot of trauma from personal tragedy and abusive boyfriends. In fairly recent history, her military career was jeopardized by an incident overseas, which she claims was sexual assault. I've seen her drink and am skeptical of that explanation. I know she's prone to self-destructive behavior and have always known that it could threaten our relationship.

About a week ago, it became clear that something was severely wrong. She told me she had to take care of some serious issue at work, and was clearly upset. I had to focus on my exams and assumed I could help her through anything over Thanksgiving break, which we had planned to spend with my parents. She was waiting at my apartment the night we were supposed to take our trip. Her bags were packed but her face was streaked with tears and makeup. I sat her down and calmly told her she could tell me anything.

"I was blackmailed into having sex." The words were followed by a brutal imagining of the scene, a man higher up in her chain of command leading her into a dark corner of the ship, pulling at her uniform...it didn't make sense. What leverage could he have possibly had that she would allow that? Why didn't she fight? How did she end up in that situation? I remained calm and let her explain that he threatened her with some kind of poor review. I was almost insulted by the weakness of the deception. I looked her in the eye, then told her to get her things and get out. She became almost hysterical and I knew there was more. She's been carrying his child for almost a month.

What could I do? Although he is supposedly facing a court martial for the incident, I didn't believe she was completely forced into the situation. As much as I love her, I could not forgive the betrayal and would not accept responsibility for her allowing this to happen.

 

[fizzlestyx]

We exchanged a pitiful farewell. After all the perfect moments we shared, I couldn't find words for what may have been our last meeting. After she left, the shock began to fade and the silent emptiness began to weigh down. I waited about an hour, then called to make sure she was alright. She wouldn't talk to me, but texted that she was going to a nearby hospital. I called the desk shortly after and they had no record of her checking in. I sent her a few more texts and didn't get a reply, so I went to my parents' place for Thanksgiving. I needed to talk to them.

She answered a few texts the next day; apparently she'd spent the night in a different hospital and was going to stay with a friend for a few days. She was angry with me; I didn't understand what had happened and made her feel worse about an already nightmarish situation. She thought she could trust me and wanted to die. The other guy had told her that he would charge her with assault if she resisted and claimed to be able to have her counter-charges dismissed.

I had barely slept, couldn't eat, and started to wonder how she could be so hurt if she'd really been lying. I still didn't understand how it could have happened, but regretted not being more supportive. I cut my vacation short and called her when I got back into town. I was not surprised when she didn't pick up, or when she texted that she needed time. I offered to pick her up wherever she was staying, but she refused, literally begging me to give her "some time."

I made a mistake. I wasn't intentionally cruel, but I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, or at least been more supportive. I want her back, and I'm willing to support her whether or not she goes through with the pregnancy. Is it too late? What is she doing with the time she's asked for? What can I do to convince her to see me?

 

[Scormus]

son

She slept with another man and is carrying his child.

Performance review? As Stephen A. Smith would say, n****, please!

What else is there to know?

 

[Driggs]

Do you feel like paying for another guy's child that a girl had by cheating on you with him?

She's got a turbulent past; her dad apparently went through an alcoholic phase, and she's suffered a lot of trauma from personal tragedy and abusive boyfriends. In fairly recent history, her military career was jeopardized by an incident overseas, which she claims was sexual assault. I've seen her drink and am skeptical of that explanation. I know she's prone to self-destructive behavior and have always known that it could threaten our relationship.

Beware.

I think she is obviously full of ****. Her story sounds completely bogus to me. Most of those "angry with you" things after they cheat are complete and utter BS fabricated to elicit guilt feelings from you.

You can certainly not err by saying nothing to her.

 

[Scormus]

I know you love her and its hard to see things objectively right now but the truth is she doesn't love you from her actions.

Move on.

 

[fizzlestyx]

Is it that easy to discredit the rape story?

 

[Scormus]

Rape?

What did he physically force her? Where were the injuries?

If she wasn't pregnant, there would be no confession.

A woman's tears and words mean nothing.

Look only at her ACTIONS.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Go to Thailand, forget this broad.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Fizzle,
Well even before this incident...the brutal Boyfriends,the assault, her abusive Dad....seems to attract this sort of thing doesn't she?...definitely suffering a psychological disorder...keep your distance,even put in a pre-emptive interview with your commanding Officer...You are in real Danger!

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Whether or not she was "really" raped or she "partially" made it up, that's not really the point.

As horrible as it sounds, she is now damaged goods. Sure, had you two been married for decades, then you'd work through this together.

But you haven't.

So there's only one thing to do. Forget her and move on.

Imagine if she'd died in a car crash. Horrible thing. Not her fault.

Same results. She's no longer date-able. It sucks, but shyte like this happens.

Nothing you can do.

Grieve, and them move on.

 

[MikeOck]

She's got a turbulent past; her dad apparently went through an alcoholic phase, and she's suffered a lot of trauma from personal tragedy and abusive boyfriends.....I know she's prone to self-destructive behavior and have always known that it could threaten our relationship.

Run, don't walk. Be thankful the child she is carrying isn't yours. You had fun, and hopefully learned a valuable lesson: avoid women with "turbulent" pasts. When a woman experiences emotional trauma at a young age, it changes them to their very core. They seek out drama, often unconsciously, for the rest of their lives. Just in case you are wondering, no, you can't save her. You can only get out of the way or sink with her.

 

[fizzlestyx]

Pretty much the logical conclusions I've been trying to avoid. This is going to cost her so much: stable relationship, independence, youth, possibly even her job. Why would she risk throwing it all away?

To feel desirable to a male authority figure/father surrogate? To address frustrations with our relationship? Just horny?

And yes I understand that it's possible she's been messing around the entire time, with a completely indeterminate number of guys.

 

[Scormus]

Pretty much the logical conclusions I've been trying to avoid. This is going to cost her so much: stable relationship, independence, youth, possibly even her job. Why would she risk throwing it all away.

They're illogical and make poor decisions.

Few exceptions.

 

[LiveFreeX]

"I was blackmailed into having sex." The words were followed by a brutal imagining of the scene, a man higher up in her chain of command leading her into a dark corner of the ship, pulling at her uniform...it didn't make sense. What leverage could he have possibly had that she would allow that? Why didn't she fight? How did she end up in that situation? I remained calm and let her explain that he threatened her with some kind of poor review. I was almost insulted by the weakness of the deception. I looked her in the eye, then told her to get her things and get out. She became almost hysterical and I knew there was more. She's been carrying his child for almost a month.

Sorry pal, didn't read this the whole way through the first time. This reminds me of so many other BPD girls I've known. They were all 'raped' or some BS. Common man, you are supposed to be military, are you all really that stupid? He pulled her into a dark corner of the ship? And she didn't scream, cry, scratch his eyes out, knee him in the crotch? Why wasn't she covered in blood and beaten black and blue? This is all bvll**** dude.
Put it this way, if some man cornered you for some guy on guy rape, I bet you would fight to the death right? So this story is all bullsh1t.

SHE'S A LIAR! RUN B1TCH RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Married Buried]

This woman is full of sh!t. She is trying to gain your sympathy and play you. There is no way she could hide a pregnancy, so she made all of this up. The only mistake you made was texting her after she left.

 

[Jair213]

She sounds crazy. I would wipe her out of My life completely.

 

[Knight's Cross]

OP,
I agree with the other posters. Most "Normal" chicks ( I use that loosely), would have fought like wildcats to prevent being raped. She'd have bruises, broken ribs, etc. so would the attacker. Her whole story is a setup. Don't take the bait no matter what. You are being drawn into her drama.
KC

 

[Weaver]

OP: the title of your thread is an apt description of the situation, but the mess is probably bigger than you think.

From your first post:

As much as I love her, I could not forgive the betrayal and would not accept responsibility for her allowing this to happen.

Here I see rational thought and healthy self-interest.

From your second post:

I made a mistake. I wasn't intentionally cruel, but I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, or at least been more supportive. I want her back, and I'm willing to support her whether or not she goes through with the pregnancy.

Here I see senseless infatuation and codependency.

I do not endorse succumbing to peer pressure or giving a fig about what most people think, but when the posters in your thread unanimously believe you should stay away from this woman, you should consider the possibility that they are right. My advice: do not contact her ever again--do not call, text, or go to her place.

But the real issue is not just this specific situation with this particular woman. Unless you educate yourself about women to avoid, such things and worse are likely to happen again and again. Some valuable resources:
1. Tara J. Palmatier's website (shrink4men)
2. a number of SS threads about Cluster B women, including "The official Borderline Personality Disorder thread [Merged]."

I had to learn things the hard way because I was clueless and there wasn't anyone to guide me. You can avoid a great deal of misery and pain if you are willing to learn from other people's mistakes. Take care.

 

[fizzlestyx]

I appreciate the unanimously respectful comments. The cold, rational appraisal is that she's lying, possibly even to herself, to avoid responsibility as she crashes into yet another catastrophe.

I called the military's sexual assault line for a different perspective, and was told that it's very common for women to "shut down" during an assault. I knew another girl, who was far more put together, who also basically froze, although it didn't go as far. In her situation, I'm sure I would have fought like crazy, but I'm not an expert on this kind of thing and I can't completely discount the possibility that she's telling the truth.

Her sense of surprise and betrayal seemed completely genuine when I kicked her out. Either she's a fantastic actor and an expert manipulator (cue forehead slaps from the forum), or I jumped the gun.

Her family lives on the other coast, and I don't think she has many close friends here, so it would have made sense for her to jump at the chance of reconciliation as soon as I got back into town. Her refusal to talk to me could mean she's trying to exacerbate my guilt to strengthen her hand, or that she really does feel that I let her down and doesn't want me around.

 

[Married Buried]

I appreciate the unanimously respectful comments. The cold, rational appraisal is that she's lying, possibly even to herself, to avoid responsibility as she crashes into yet another catastrophe.

I called the military's sexual assault line for a different perspective, and was told that it's very common for women to "shut down" during an assault. I knew another girl, who was far more put together, who also basically froze, although it didn't go as far. In her situation, I'm sure I would have fought like crazy, but I'm not an expert on this kind of thing and I can't completely discount the possibility that she's telling the truth.

Her sense of surprise and betrayal seemed completely genuine when I kicked her out. Either she's a fantastic actor and an expert manipulator (cue forehead slaps from the forum), or I jumped the gun.

Her family lives on the other coast, and I don't think she has many close friends here, so it would have made sense for her to jump at the chance of reconciliation as soon as I got back into town. Her refusal to talk to me could mean she's trying to exacerbate my guilt to strengthen her hand, or that she really does feel that I let her down and doesn't want me around.

What are the chances she got pregnant from just one rape from this guy?
Usually you have to be banging a woman consistently to knock her up.