A common mistake men make...

[Wyldfire]

In light of a private request for advice that I got, I thought I'd post about this, because I think it could possibly help some people.

A lot of guys will come on here and ask questions about a girl or woman they are pretty sure is interested in them but who isn't responding to them the way they think they should be. Often, this is a case of her not pursuing or chasing him in the way he thinks she should be if she's interested in him.

Guys...you HAVE to lead. Once you are relatively confident the girl is attracted to you, you CAN'T just sit on your tail and expect her to come to you and make things happen or progress further. That is YOUR job as men. You are supposed to lead. If you don't take the initiative and do something once you have got her attention she isn't going to have anything to respond to and her interest will fade quickly.

If you go out and things go well you can't just sit back and wait for her to call you or hunt you down. You have to GO GET HER!

Women are REACTIVE and they will only REACT (be it positively or negatively) to you if you ACT. Yes, you might be a bit nervous or afraid that if you DO take action that she could react negatively...but if you don't take any action she won't react positively either. She is waiting for you to do something...anything...to give her something to react to. Now get off your butts and TAKE ACTION!

 

[Socialreject]

I'd like to add to that, that acting to much is bad as well. You want to do a little pushing and pulling. Don't just charge into everything, but initiate something, then back off, take it a bit further, then back off again.

Moving in for a kiss headfirst works, but it's much more exciting if you play around a bit first, pretend like you will kiss her, but don't, or just slightly brush her lips, then pull out again... make her wait, then do a little kiss, back out again etc... just keep going.

So yeah take action, but remember to push the brakes at every step of the way. Make her really warm up to it up to a point where she is thinking "argh whenwhenwhen is he going to really kiss me/make out/have sex".

 

[Wyldfire]

In the context you are speaking of, yes...you don't want to act too much because you'll come off as pushy.

I'm talking more along the lines of actually getting anything going at all. So many guys are afraid of rejection that they pretty much sit on their hands and let opportunities pass them by due to failure to make any kind of move at all to show they are interested. It's like they think if she shows any signs of interest that they can just sit and wait for her to come to them...and then they post how they thought she liked them but it didn't go anywhere. A lot of the times it never goes anywhere because he's not taking any kind of action to make things happen. You can't just wait for a girl to fall into your lap...you have to do something to get her there.

 

[Socialreject]

Oh ofcourse!

Logic 101. If you have a nice pile of firewood and a match, the least effective way of making a campfire is standing there looking at it going "hmmm why isn't the firewood shooting into flames??!".

 

[animal crackers]

Thanks Wyldefire!

I needed this. I have a girl in my speech class who i'm working on a speech with along with some other guy, and she seems into me.

She does stuff like,

-laughs at ALL my retarded jokes
-picks up dead convo
-calls me to talk about 'the project' and then doesn't talk about the project.
-calls me and says she meant to call a different mike
-was drunk last night and got started telling me all these sexual things she has done

But, she hasn't really given me any of those signs girls give. like, no kino.

I'm thinking I actually need to show more interest. And by show I mean show, not tell...That's one of my biggest problems. I tend to make fun of girls, and the dam interaction goes nowhere beyond a strange flirty relationship.

 

[Wyldfire]

Thanks Wyldefire!

I needed this. I have a girl in my speech class who i'm working on a speech with along with some other guy, and she seems into me.

She does stuff like,

-laughs at ALL my retarded jokes
-picks up dead convo
-calls me to talk about 'the project' and then doesn't talk about the project.
-calls me and says she meant to call a different mike
-was drunk last night and got started telling me all these sexual things she has done

But, she hasn't really given me any of those signs girls give. like, no kino.

I'm thinking I actually need to show more interest. And by show I mean show, not tell...That's one of my biggest problems. I tend to make fun of girls, and the dam interaction goes nowhere beyond a strange flirty relationship.

Glad to be of help animal crackers...

 

[DJHoolahoop]

Maybe guys are just also trying to show respect by letting her take the lead too. Not to push buttons, but you'd think after all these years that women have spent getting to where they are now that they'd be able to lead a relationship once and a while too. Of course that was how I thought before and am more than happy and willing to take the lead now.

I just laugh because it could be broken down to the SIMPLEST possible answer for these guys and they still won't be able to do anything. The one thing they MUST do, they can't. If someone says that the way to beating fear is to do it anyways, you'll still hear "Yeah, but I'm scared to". Or to say "Look, the best way to get good at conversation is to, what's that? You guessed it, TO START CONVERSATIONS!", you'll still get "Yeah, but I don't know how to".

That's the problem, its under all of that. When you hear the slightest hesitation to do ONE thing productive towards overcoming something. They can't even do the one thing that would put progress in their path. A real man would choose to make decisions for himself as that's really what it means to be alive. When you're a kid, decisions are made for you especially when you can relate to the classic line "That's not fair" followed by "Yeah, well life isn't fair." Unfortunately for those who never make decisions for themselves, it ends up following them into adulthood.

Now do you think the man who can make the choice to live his life in fullfillment, so that he's not sitting around doing nothing, so that he's not letting unwanted people into his life, so that he's not waiting for others to make decisions for him, has this problem?

 

[Wyldfire]

Hoolahoop...

It's the man's job to lead and pursue. That will never change.

 

[TheDarkSaint]

Wait a minute.

It is the person who reacts that has all the power. By making the first move, the man now has fewer options while the woman has more. She has the power to determine what happens next, thus power over the relationship.

If this site is about confidance and being dominate, why would we be giving the girl all that power?

 

[The Juan and only]

Wait a minute.

It is the person who reacts that has all the power. By making the first move, the man now has fewer options while the woman has more. She has the power to determine what happens next, thus power over the relationship.

If this site is about confidance and being dominate, why would we be giving the girl all that power?

What a ridiculus thing to say. yes women have the power to reject you, but that's just the way it is. Generally speaking a woman won't make the moves.

Look, even though each woman has the power to reject any guy that approaches her. She DOESN'T have the power to choose who she interects with -- she must wait for guys to present themselves and then make a decision.

"She has the power to determine what happens next, thus power over the relationship."

no, because you aren't in a relationship yet.....this is just the initial meeting stage....and anyway..if you the smooth, sexy DJ I know you are, she'll have no choice but to accept you because her emotions will force her to.

 

[Wyldfire]

Wait a minute.

It is the person who reacts that has all the power. By making the first move, the man now has fewer options while the woman has more. She has the power to determine what happens next, thus power over the relationship.

If this site is about confidance and being dominate, why would we be giving the girl all that power?

No, it is the person who ACTS that has all the power. People just don't realize it or know how to harness that power productively. You can completely control your interactions with others by knowing to right way to act in order to get the reaction you are looking for.

I learned how to do this quite effectively in a Conflict Resolution and Communication workshop I attended. I'll see if I can find some online resources that help people learn to do this.

You have all the power you need in life already...you just need to learn how to use it.

 

[Bourne]

No, it is the person who ACTS that has all the power. People just don't realize it or know how to harness that power productively. You can completely control your interactions with others by knowing to right way to act in order to get the reaction you are looking for.

I learned how to do this quite effectively in a Conflict Resolution and Communication workshop I attended. I'll see if I can find some online resources that help people learn to do this.

You have all the power you need in life already...you just need to learn how to use it.

I always believed that, I just haven't developed it yet. I'm working on it. This is good.

 

[Socialreject]

Choices are power...

When you interact with somebody, anybody, you both have power... however either one only has as much power as the other person is willing to give them!

If you choose to give absolutely no power to that person you don't have to BUT, they may also not choose to give you any power if you do so. It's a game of trading pennies of power. Some people go into an interaction and just spill their guts all over, immediately relinquishing any power they could have built up in that interaction. Other people go in and don't give an inch throughout the entire interaction... but also do not gain any rapport, do not gain anything, and not lose anything.

When you walk up to a woman and start a conversation, you are offering her a chance to take something from you, the power to choose to reject or accept your conversation. When she accepts your interaction, you are given back your power plus a small amount of power in the fact that she has already approved of you enough to let you talk to her...

What most of the guys on this site are advocating is that you have an unlimited supply of power, it comes from within, your confidence is your power. If a women rejects you, you do not lose the power to approach women permanently (unlike some guys), you just take a hit and build it back up. The better you get, the less time it takes to build it back up. Up to a point when you can replace it instantly... ups rejection, no big deal I'm already back on top, turn around, strike up a convo with another woman.

To say women have no power however is imho a somewhat **** eyed way to look at it. Sure it's very comfortable, but not exactly true. If that were true you could simply motion any woman to come over to you, tell her to bend over, spread and get ready here i come! But it's not like that ;-).

Like yeah ok, some of you guys may have developed the magic to actually pull one that leads to pretty much the same result but you still got to take the steps, play the game and don't screw up, to get to that point

 

[Wyldfire]

Not finding any links guys...sorry. I'll poke around a bit more and if I find anything worthwhile I post it.

I could probably start a thread and people could post situations they have faced that got bad reactions and I could try to "coach" them on what they should have done to get the reaction they wanted instead.

I actually use this technique in some of the more specific advice that I give on this forum. I just don't mention that I use it because most people have no clue what I'd be talking about. If there is enough interest in a thread on the subject on this thread I will start a sort of bootcamp thread or something. I'd like to find some kind of information though.

 

[backbreaker]

guys, this isn't a theory class.. this is **** that has been proven time and time again.

Women throw hints and signs of intrest, men lead and approach.

don't like it? Tough ****. Life isn't fair. Learn to love it. I do. I would honestly have it any other way. I love the thrill of talking to a woman I have a good feeling is feeling me. I love pushing the envelope to see what I really can get away with when I know a woman is attracted to me. Even the rejections, and it does happen... often.. more often then I would like to admit at times, are fun.

I could cut down on alot of the rejections by waiting for defeinate interest signs, but if I see a woman I am attracted to, I could care less about being rejected, so I will strike up a conversation with her. I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen? And because I go out of my comfort zone alot with women, when I get definate interest signs, I don't miss very many closes.

Guys who come here asking 'does she like me' don't get it.. the question isn't does she like you, it's do you like her enough to approach her.. who gives a **** if she likes you. Stop trying to protect yourself from being rejected. If you work and improve yourself, you will be likable... however, what women don't like is timidness.

A friend of mine, a female called me to tell me about her night and how mad she was.. i asked "why" of course.. she said she was invited to a party by this guy who she had a mini crush on, put on her short skirt, had some drinks, made it known in so many words that she wanted to be taken advantage of, only for the guy to chicken out and get her phone number to set up a date for next week, also kept telling her how lucky he was that she "choose him", .. she is so mad that she isn't going out with him next week

She said "I am not going to throw myself at a guy because I'm not a slut, but I wanted him to take it, I put it in front of him, and he didn't even try to get a sniff"

 

[bbestar]

A friend of mine, a female called me to tell me about her night and how mad she was.. i asked "why" of course.. she said she was invited to a party by this guy who she had a mini crush on, put on her short skirt, had some drinks, made it known in so many words that she wanted to be taken advantage of, only for the guy to chicken out and get her phone number to set up a date for next week, also kept telling her how lucky he was that she "choose him", .. she is so mad that she isn't going out with him next week

She said "I am not going to throw myself at a guy because I'm not a slut, but I wanted him to take it, I put it in front of him, and he didn't even try to get a sniff"

wtf

 

[Maverick001]

No, it is the person who ACTS that has all the power. People just don't realize it or know how to harness that power productively. You can completely control your interactions with others by knowing to right way to act in order to get the reaction you are looking for.

I learned how to do this quite effectively in a Conflict Resolution and Communication workshop I attended. I'll see if I can find some online resources that help people learn to do this.

You have all the power you need in life already...you just need to learn how to use it.

Exactly. Who has more power? The Hunter or the hunted? The Hunter of course.

Just my 2 cents.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[AudiTy]

I'm liking this thread, and I'm interested to hear more about the "Conflict Resolution and Communication Workshop", Wyldfire. I'd be up for a thread on the subject, and to hear what it's all about.

 

[Hyde]

bump

This thread is a year old. She doesn't even post here anymore. Why are you bumping this?

 

[Fred Da Head]

This thread is a year old. She doesn't even post here anymore. Why are you bumping this?

Does that mean Anti-Dump's stuff isn't good because he doesn't post here anymore? What about Pook's writings?

Bumping good tips is, well, a good thing. That way people don't go and post the same thing all over again as has been happening so much around here, and they don't post questions when their answer is in a post like this.