A breakup after 10 years, Are you serious???

[Docka]

fyi - the break up was 2 days ago

I been readin Dave Deanglo's stuff since jan, so i do know what's going on

But here's my little problem, I've been going out with this girl since I was 16yr old and now i'm 27 and we just ended our relationship yesterday. We're not in love with each other anymore (we just got too comfortable with each other, we're almost like best friends), which i'm fine with because people change. I still like her and want her to come back one day, but if nothing comes out of it, I'm not worried. I'm moving on with other girls but i still want to keep my options open with my ex. She'd even mentioned "nothing is written in stone" which i'm optimistic about.

The only thing i could think i could do is make her jealous and compete for me. By talking to her only 2-3 time a month and letting her know i'm see other people. Do you have anymore amazing advice?

Here's more info,

We used to have shared friends but over the years it seems like we started to meet and hang out with other people. So seeing her without arranging a meeting would be pretty rare.

I could almost say we were like an old married couple that didn't do much other than save money and chill. Even friends were saying that too.

The only thing we have to talk about is a camping trip we were planning alone with her in August but after the separation she said she'll have to think about it. We don't have as much things to talk about then before because I think the conversations tends to lead to facts now a days than to "feeling chit chat". It just seems like we just lost the connection.

She has a lot of **** over at my house and vice versa. Should i just put it all in one box or let her come over and collect it herself?

She also told me that she wants to find "herself". We been together for so long that it sometime seems that we didn't have room to grow ourselves. What do you think about that?

We are also in different times in our lives, she is totally finished school and working on her career, while I decided to switch industries from engineering to become a teacher by going back to school for the next couple of years. When we were discussing the breaking up, i first acted like that what i wanted, but after she told me her plan was to purpose to me to marry her in 2009 because of the Feb 29th day (she said that day, there are no rules) (I'm not the one to be purposed to cause i know its the man that does it!)

Staying friend isn't a problem, she really wants to stay friends. Actually a little history her, we were friend to begin with. And 6 months without speaking to her, she found out i had a gf and she started getting jealous. Do you think that will happen again?

WHAT SHOULD I DO? the 10 years we've gone out couldn't have been for nothing?

 

[Slickster]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. Ten years is a long time.

The only thing i could think i could do is make her jealous and compete for me. By talking to her only 2-3 time a month and letting her know i'm see other people. Do you have anymore amazing advice?

Here's my amazing advice Relationships go stale. It happens all the time. Its only after the break up that couples start wondering if there is anything they can do to save it. Well the question to ask is this. If the relationship was worth fighting for then why did both parties let it go stale in the first place? Why didn't you fix things before they got to this point? Sometimes people just get so comfortable and dependant on each other that the relationship drags on WAY longer than it should. Even though both parties deep down know that they are unhappy or at least not 100% content they stay together. Think of how many people go thru their entire lives in relationships that are less than ideal. Its sad and it isn't the way to live. You deserve the best possible. Its very tough losing someone you've spent alot of time with but if you aren't truly happy then that is even more unhealthy.

We been together for so long that it sometime seems that we didn't have room to grow ourselves.

No shyt! Man you NEED to be on your own for awhile. You've been living the life of a married man since 16! You obviously have a huge connection with this girl. Being together for so long from such a young age will inevitably poison your relationship though. You both need to get out there and experience life on your own. If you didn't there would always be a question in the back of your mind. And hers. That's no way to live either.

If there is a chance for the two of you in the future then it will only be after a LONG time. Take this time for yourselves.

You would be wise to recognize the situation for what it is.

1. Realize that the relationship was less than ideal. If it was perfect then you wouldn't be here.
2. Realize that there IS better out there for you. It will take time to let go of the past but the future is brighter than you realize.
3. Playing games and trying to get her back is the wrong path. You could waste years getting over this girl. Why torture yourself? If it was meant to be then you would've worked it out the first time around.

You are entering a new phase of your life. Now is not the time to be dwelling on the painful past. Now is the time to open yourself up to the world of opportunities that await you.

Good luck.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by Docka
...
The only thing i could think i could do is make her jealous and compete for me. By talking to her only 2-3 time a month and letting her know i'm see other people. Do you have anymore amazing advice?
...

This is messed up. She has control over you even after you've broken up. Why are you basing your actions around her? Ten years may be a long time but d@mn you're FREE, act like it!

 

[The DomMega]

I don't think I have any proverbial words of wisdom for ya here sport. 10 years and only one vagina is something I couldn't even imagine for myself.

But whatever, you two have a long history so thats pretty hard to ignore. Maybe you do need to take a break to see if there's a large enough void in your life to coin a get back together. Only time will tell. But as I've said many a time, sometimes you have to take a step back from the painting to see the big picture, which is something you should really take advantage of at this point. Nobody's perfect and you may meet someone whom you're happier with and fits more of what you see yourself with in the future. Its a daunting task, you're now going to be exposed to a gene pool that you haven't even stuck your foot into, but stay vigilant. The answers are out there, but its up to you to open the door and walk through it.

Yes, it would appear I can give actual "relationship" advise too. I've been in enough to know.

 

[SwedishDJ]

Man, I have been exactly where you are, and I share your pain!

Ten years is a looooong time and I can understand that your life now seems empty.

To be honest, I think there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to get her back, and I honestly also believes thet you don't really want her back.

You are just afraid.

"Will I ever find a good girl again? WHEN will I find her? What if I don't? All the available girls are Hores. Are the good ones already taken?"

That was the thoughts I had over and over.

But I learned to live on my own, and I learned that the best thing with being single is that everything can happen and that everything is allowed to happen.

Spend some time away from women. Hang out with the boys. Have fun!

A year after my breakup I was enjoying life at its fullest, meeting ladies and being HAPPY that I got out of that stale, boooooring relationship! We had become brother and sister and all the spark was gone.

All the best,

Swedish

 

[scordate]

you've been with this girl since 16 ?

you said that you have stuff at each others house ?

so you have even after 10 years not considered moving in together ?

to me that seems to be a pretty good indicator of what is wrong ?

it simply has become a convenient habit to be dating this girl, but neither of you seem to have been 'mature' or serious enough to make a go for it

remember, most marriages dont even last 5 - 7 years, and you have been with her for 10 years

you know each other so well, that I would recommend get away for a weekend where there is only one agenda; agree on what should happen on Monday; either you two move in together and get married or otherwise make a commitment, or you agree that it was good and fun, but you both need to move on or perhaps relationsship therapy ?

you mention that you think you two just grew apart ? horse hockey, mule muffins !

man, you both decided that the 2 of you could grow apart

there was simply not enough invested in your relationsship to get it to grow together

anyway, you are now both in denial and trying to kick a habit just like quitting to smoke the next months are going to be somewhat less pleasant for you

sure you could go out dating, and I think you should. but your heart wont be in it, and you should def. be aware of the dangers of a rebound relationship

this is the time to hang out with some male single buddies, dating whatever comes around, but making sure that you are not known as the date who talks and talks of his lost love !

also this would be a good time to concentrate on work and/or hobbies so you wont have time to feel the misery

my very best wishes and please always know this;
it will be better and easier and every morning you wake up you wiull have forgotten her a little bit more

/ scordate

 

[SwedishDJ]

Originally posted by scordate

sure you could go out dating, and I think you should. but your heart wont be in it, and you should def. be aware of the dangers of a rebound relationship


/ scordate

AMEN to that!

I'm in a rebound relationship now with a 12 year older woman and boy am I in a mess!

Say NO to rebound relationships!
Rebound sex though is an entirely different matter....

 

[Docka]

Thanks for all the info guys,

But what the hell does this mean?
"When we were discussing the breaking up, i first acted like that's what i wanted, but after she told me her plan was to purpose to me to marry her in 2008 because of the Feb 29th day (she said that day, there are no rules) I started to get sappy and wanted her back right then and there (I'm not the one to be purposed to cause i know its the man that does it!) Does she really wanna get married???"
Is she just fvckin with my head? I've known her for 10 years and never has she done that.

I know i don't wanna get back with her now, but do you guys think that there could be a possibility that we could get back together 2-3 years down the road?

And if the average marriage is 5-7 years, does't that mean that most relationship usually gets stale and old? I guess there's a lot time and energy to keep a relationship going eh. What would keep this from happening with another women down the road?

And should i even call her to say wassup and maybe go on that camping trip as friends?

 

[SwedishDJ]

Docka,

I did stay friend with my ex and that worked fine...until she started f*cking another dude.

You don't have to be mean or rude to this girl or something, but my advise is to try to be away from her for a while to get things into perspective, and that will take some time - maybe up to a year.

So no camping trip, that's my opinion.

Get on with your life. If you both feel that you should be together again in the future you will be.

Until then - get a few notches under you belt!

/Swedish

 

[Docka]

Originally posted by SwedishDJ
Docka,

You don't have to be mean or rude to this girl or something, but my advise is to try to be away from her for a while to get things into perspective, and that will take some time - maybe up to a year.

So no camping trip, that's my opinion.

Get on with your life. If you both feel that you should be together again in the future you will be.

Until then - get a few notches under you belt!

/Swedish

Thanks

It's a big deal but not that big of a deal because last year I lost my little brother in a fatal accident and when i compare the two situations this is small potatoes, well a little bigger than that.

A year? really? it was hard the first two night days but today i'm in a really good mood. Honestly, i've haven't been this productive doing my own things in a long while. and i have to say it does feel good to be single cause i can do anything i want. (but when i think about it, i was doing whatever i wanted when i was in the relationship, maybe i didn't appreciate her? what do you think)

And with getting notches, i'm doing that right away. I'm not going to get into any serious relationships but what I'm gonna do is go meet some women and just have fun.

Oh and one last thing, i haven't told my parents and nor my friends cause i'm kinda embarassed about it. Because everyone thought that we would get married. Should i just come out and tell everyone. Well obviously i have too, But what kinda reactions do you think i'll get from my family and friends?

 

[SwedishDJ]

Really sorry to hear about your brother!

That just shows how unpredictable life is and teaches us to be happy living in the present.

I would guess the reaction from your family and friends will be very supportive. Don't be afraid to tell them.

Actually, when we split up the first thing I did was to call my grandfather....

Good to hear that you are feeling well today, but be prepared for some backlashes.

/Swedish

 

[Docka]

anymore advice? I just wanna hear what people think.

 

[draydinero]

my ex and i broke up about six months ago. it was rough because we were together for over 4 years. a few weeks after the break-up, i found myself being alot happier because i was single again. i thought about all of the women i would eventually hook-up with and the things that i would do as young single man. but the thing is, when i first got "back on the market" i really had to tighten my game because it was a little "rusty". it took me awhile to land my first few "hook-ups." when you start hooking up with other women, it helps you to move on and not dwell on your past relationship(s). of course, you'll think about your ex from time to time but you won't think about her much--you got other chicks to chill with. use this time to improve yourself: get a better job, start a business, take up a hobby or two, workout, hang out with friends, sarge, etc. you'll be ok. we've all been there. enjoy life to the fullest.