6 month relationship break up after me not going after her

[Twist]

Welcome aboard, Twist.

As more people view your posting, you're likely to get some lectures.. Don't let any of the 'pros' fool you. Any man with experience has been in your shoes (self-included).

The first thing I'd suggest is to write down all the qualities of this girl that you dislike. I recall being in your shoes and there's a reason for this. I'll explain in a few paragraphs.

When we over extend ourselves, this creates an emptiness within our core. "Emptiness"may not be the correct word. Actually the person that we over-invested with will fill that emptiness. It then becomes (for lack of a better phrase) an "emotional-cancer" that has filled our heart and mind. When we realize what is occurring, it's only natural to try to remove this 'poison.'

In the back of our minds, we recall that moment when everything seemed perfect. As men being fixers, we then think of ways to mend current problems and go back to simpler times. The problem is... the more that we compromise, the more depleted that we become. And that empty space will be filled by the other person. It's not a good or healthy cycle.

It's been a very long time since I was in your shoes, but I remember it well. This is probably not the advice that you want to read, but it's better to exit now than think about further ways to repair things. Because you've invested and made compromises, the initial aftermath will not be painless. You'll probably (speaking from my own experience) go through patterns of initial relief, and then missing her, blaming yourself, then anger etc... It won't be fun. But I can tell you that the longer you wait or prolong this relationship, the more painful it will be later on.

Above I mentioned writing down her bad qualities. Here's why. When you make that final break, you're going to experience a whirlwind of emotions. At first she may blow up your phone with attention getting games (accusing you of never caring etc..). Although this may anger you or you may feel this need to defend yourself, don't respond. And at some point, she'll stop sending messages. At some later point, you may begin to wonder about her. You might even end up missing her (but do not reach out). This occurs because we become more focused on their absence than remembering why we wanted out in the first place. Should this occur, look back on the page you wrote about her less than desirable qualities. You'll be glad that you did it.

I no longer spend much time posting on this forum. I wish you good luck. If anything I posted resonates and you need any further tips, you're welcomed to send a PM (e-mail) .

Thank you very much. This is the last text she sent me. It makes me feel quite guilty, and almost want me to say sorry and that I understand her… but when i look at the facts of how the relationship went, its all her perspective and zero from mine. While i can even understand how she could have been feeling this. She put so much stuff in her head that its making her crazy. I wasnt the perfect boyfriend but i sure as hell wasnt a bad one. I just feel lost and hope I wont ever blame myself thinking im a horrible person.

text from ex gf:
As much as I love you, I can't convince you if you don't believe me. I think when you think about it, you know yourself that I was the team player. I wanted to do everything together and communicate together. You were the one who wanted a life of his own. You were the one who thought of his own feelings, while I always thought of you first in everything I thought, said, or did. I've always fought for you. I've always stood by your side as your girl because that's all I really wanted to be. Your girl. But like I said, I can't force you to believe that. You didn't believe it then, why should you believe it now.

I find it hurtful that you say that I live in a fantasy and think only of my own feelings. That's just not true and if I had any reason to believe it is, I would admit it. But throughout this relationship, the biggest mistake I've made is not thinking enough about myself. Perhaps things would have been different.

I haven't said or thought a bad word about you. I have always and everywhere praised you to heaven. I have forgiven you for so many things because I saw the best in you. I was always the one who told you that you are better than all this, better than your behavior towards me. Even now I expect the very best from you. But your behavior towards me is simply not right, Twist, It's just not okay and I'm keeping my leg stiff on that. You're blind if you can't see that. How much you hurt me and how cold you are to me when all I wanted was your love. But your love only comes when you feel like it. It doesn't work that way. You have a relationship 24/7, not just when it suits you. When you get into a relationship, you decide to make your partner a part of your daily routine. Voluntarily. Not because you have to. But because you want to. You support your partner in difficult times and on bad days, even if you do not understand them or if it is not convenient. But I feel like I'm a burden to you. Like I force you to do everything and you don't do anything voluntarily. Most of the relationship all I hear is how I'm too much for you, too much for you to ask. This was not the case when we first met. I felt valued and loved. And you were loving and kind. Confident and you knew what you wanted. You wanted me. And ever since then I kept hoping that you would make me feel that way again. Since then I kept hoping that you would want me just as much again. That's all I wanted. But you indicated that this was too much trouble for you. You indicated again that I was too much trouble for you. In your eyes there will always be something wrong with me. There will always be something that makes me not worthy of your complete love. When it suits you and when my behavior is in line with your expectations of how I should behave, then you are loving. But when I'm "unreasonable" in your eyes, or when you don't feel like it at the moment, then I'm met with silence, harshness and icy behavior. It tells me enough that when I've been gone for a week, you plan something else with your friends the same day I come back. And even that I wanted to forgive you.
But I've forgiven you enough. I've been on your side enough. I have made enough excuses for your behavior and your words that have hurt me. You won't understand this now. You will now think that all you wanted was a little space and that I don't want to give it to you. I can only tell you that is not true. I really wanted to find a way and solution that works for both of us. However, it seems that this solution is not there. No matter what I do, I will always be too much for you.

There are still so many things I have to say to you. Do you think I want this? Do you think this is easy for me? But I also see in these words of yours that you do not realize how you behave towards me. How much your words and your behavior hurt me. I'm sorry that you still can't see that I have your best interests at heart. That I love you and miss you. That all I wanted was to be your girl.

But like I said, I can't force you to see that. I can't show you things you don't want to see. That is why you sincerely leave me with no choice but to say “I let you go”. This is not the choice I want to make, but the choice I must make. I hope you can understand that.

I'm letting you go to find out who you really are. Because I know you Twist. I keep repeating that you are better than this. You are better than your behavior towards me. But if you don't see that for yourself, I can never make you see it. That's why I'm letting you go. Because you hurt me too much and I have to choose myself too. Your behavior is just not okay and I don't deserve that.

Im letting you go so you can find out who you really are. Maybe not now, but later. I hope you find your happiness. I hope you find yourself. Who you really are. And I hope that one day you will see that I genuinely have your best interests at heart. I hope one day you understand what I mean.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Twist, I can be just as guilty as other forum members about having a bias toward my fellow brothers, but her above message offers a second thought.

Naturally, what she provided in the above message and what is the actual reality can differ... but I'm going to go on the message that you shared. For a jilted ex, she's not reacting half bad. Of course, I get it. She's more focused on your (or your supposed) flaws. After a certain age, whether we like it or not, we realize that this is just how women usually are.

Let me throw this out there for you to consider. When I was around your age, I enjoyed the "high" of the newness of a new relationship. This "high" I refer to is also known as a dopamine spike. When I was your age, I would think that once the "high"wore off, that I was no longer into or in love with the girl. It's really no different than coming down after a good buzz.

My guess (and again, I'm only speaking from my own experiences) is that in the 'honeymoon' stage, you both enjoyed a lot of time together. And then... after you eventually starting coming down off the high, your feelings for her weren't as strong. That is nothing for you to feel guilty about. It's something that everyone experiences. I only bring this up to say that the initial 'haze' that we experience will (no matter the female) eventually dissipate.

Again, I get it.
It's not as if you can force yourself to feel things that you initially felt. My point is that this intoxicating feeling will never last forever with any woman. I'm not faulting you at all. My only suggestion is that your ex doesn't appear (at least by the letter that you shared) to be as scornful as many women (or at least so far) . Be true to yourself of course. This should be your priority. But also remain mindful of others (which you appear to be).

 

[Ricky]

Thank you very much. This is the last text she sent me. It makes me feel quite guilty, and almost want me to say sorry and that I understand her… but when i look at the facts of how the relationship went, its all her perspective and zero from mine. While i can even understand how she could have been feeling this. She put so much stuff in her head that its making her crazy. I wasnt the perfect boyfriend but i sure as hell wasnt a bad one. I just feel lost and hope I wont ever blame myself thinking im a horrible person.

text from ex gf:
As much as I love you, I can't convince you if you don't believe me. I think when you think about it, you know yourself that I was the team player. I wanted to do everything together and communicate together. You were the one who wanted a life of his own. You were the one who thought of his own feelings, while I always thought of you first in everything I thought, said, or did. I've always fought for you. I've always stood by your side as your girl because that's all I really wanted to be. Your girl. But like I said, I can't force you to believe that. You didn't believe it then, why should you believe it now.

I find it hurtful that you say that I live in a fantasy and think only of my own feelings. That's just not true and if I had any reason to believe it is, I would admit it. But throughout this relationship, the biggest mistake I've made is not thinking enough about myself. Perhaps things would have been different.

I haven't said or thought a bad word about you. I have always and everywhere praised you to heaven. I have forgiven you for so many things because I saw the best in you. I was always the one who told you that you are better than all this, better than your behavior towards me. Even now I expect the very best from you. But your behavior towards me is simply not right, Twist, It's just not okay and I'm keeping my leg stiff on that. You're blind if you can't see that. How much you hurt me and how cold you are to me when all I wanted was your love. But your love only comes when you feel like it. It doesn't work that way. You have a relationship 24/7, not just when it suits you. When you get into a relationship, you decide to make your partner a part of your daily routine. Voluntarily. Not because you have to. But because you want to. You support your partner in difficult times and on bad days, even if you do not understand them or if it is not convenient. But I feel like I'm a burden to you. Like I force you to do everything and you don't do anything voluntarily. Most of the relationship all I hear is how I'm too much for you, too much for you to ask. This was not the case when we first met. I felt valued and loved. And you were loving and kind. Confident and you knew what you wanted. You wanted me. And ever since then I kept hoping that you would make me feel that way again. Since then I kept hoping that you would want me just as much again. That's all I wanted. But you indicated that this was too much trouble for you. You indicated again that I was too much trouble for you. In your eyes there will always be something wrong with me. There will always be something that makes me not worthy of your complete love. When it suits you and when my behavior is in line with your expectations of how I should behave, then you are loving. But when I'm "unreasonable" in your eyes, or when you don't feel like it at the moment, then I'm met with silence, harshness and icy behavior. It tells me enough that when I've been gone for a week, you plan something else with your friends the same day I come back. And even that I wanted to forgive you.
But I've forgiven you enough. I've been on your side enough. I have made enough excuses for your behavior and your words that have hurt me. You won't understand this now. You will now think that all you wanted was a little space and that I don't want to give it to you. I can only tell you that is not true. I really wanted to find a way and solution that works for both of us. However, it seems that this solution is not there. No matter what I do, I will always be too much for you.

There are still so many things I have to say to you. Do you think I want this? Do you think this is easy for me? But I also see in these words of yours that you do not realize how you behave towards me. How much your words and your behavior hurt me. I'm sorry that you still can't see that I have your best interests at heart. That I love you and miss you. That all I wanted was to be your girl.

But like I said, I can't force you to see that. I can't show you things you don't want to see. That is why you sincerely leave me with no choice but to say “I let you go”. This is not the choice I want to make, but the choice I must make. I hope you can understand that.

I'm letting you go to find out who you really are. Because I know you Twist. I keep repeating that you are better than this. You are better than your behavior towards me. But if you don't see that for yourself, I can never make you see it. That's why I'm letting you go. Because you hurt me too much and I have to choose myself too. Your behavior is just not okay and I don't deserve that.

Im letting you go so you can find out who you really are. Maybe not now, but later. I hope you find your happiness. I hope you find yourself. Who you really are. And I hope that one day you will see that I genuinely have your best interests at heart. I hope one day you understand what I mean.

Have you looked into attachment style theory? She sounds like she has a bit of an anxious attachment which makes her very attentive to you which in turn bothered you.

 

[pipeman84]

Shes the strong indepent woman type of woman and is like “all men are the same” they are all dogs but you are different Twist, you are a good man. You are different than the other guys and the 4 exes I had before dont mean anything compared to you, I never loved them, you are the only one I ever loved is what I heard from her alot when I asked about her how she has 4 exes ltrs, while being 24.

and my mother didnt like her saying she has a vibe shes controlling and she will take advantage of you being kind and sweet, saying she has negative energy and a negative view. My gf knew that my mom didnt like her immediatly.

4 exes, your mother spotted as soon as she saw her that she has a negative energy. That's all the information required. Having this knowledge, by not immediately dumping her and totally forgetting about her is like continuing to hit your head on the wall and then complaining that your head hurts.

 

[Twist]

i think i know what the problem is, now how to deal with it and if this relationship could ever work. She is open to talk to me and figure it out together which i will try tonight. My theory is that in the beginning when we first met she told me things like “talking on the phone for an hour is bare minimum, she gave me the vibe that i will need to give het the attention she needs so she wouldnt leave me. Obviously i didnt love myself at that stage and i was in love. I did alot how she wanted it, but then i realised i wasnt happy doing so and was proceeding the relationship with a foot out of the door. This in return made her feel like she wasnt good enough for me and tried fixing the relationship all the time, making me pull back more unt she had enough and told me she wanted me to teust her fully and go for her like i used to. I was merely doing things for her expectations and not mine. I never felt enough in the relationship which made her feel not enough which is what she said to me. She want sme to jnderstand why she doesnt feel enough and i told her I never felt enough in the relationship aswell. I told her its like me saying to you “ a ******* a day is the bare minimum” of she had to do that for me she would be drained and inhappy in the relationship but i never made such expectations i just wanted peace and give her the attention and love but only without losing myself and being happy in the relationship myself. Now im going to talk to her to see where this ends, if shes willing to compromise and talk things over or not.

 

[Twist]

Turns out the fight wasnt about me wanting more time it was about the entire picture of how the relationship was going. Needs werent fulfilled i think and we both felt like **** leading to us finding self love and wanting what we both want. I think it just doesnt match. We both didnt communicate this but only tried to fix it without understanding where it all is coming from

 

[BackInTheGame78]

i think i know what the problem is, now how to deal with it and if this relationship could ever work. She is open to talk to me and figure it out together which i will try tonight. My theory is that in the beginning when we first met she told me things like “talking on the phone for an hour is bare minimum, she gave me the vibe that i will need to give het the attention she needs so she wouldnt leave me. Obviously i didnt love myself at that stage and i was in love. I did alot how she wanted it, but then i realised i wasnt happy doing so and was proceeding the relationship with a foot out of the door. This in return made her feel like she wasnt good enough for me and tried fixing the relationship all the time, making me pull back more unt she had enough and told me she wanted me to teust her fully and go for her like i used to. I was merely doing things for her expectations and not mine. I never felt enough in the relationship which made her feel not enough which is what she said to me. She want sme to jnderstand why she doesnt feel enough and i told her I never felt enough in the relationship aswell. I told her its like me saying to you “ a ******* a day is the bare minimum” of she had to do that for me she would be drained and inhappy in the relationship but i never made such expectations i just wanted peace and give her the attention and love but only without losing myself and being happy in the relationship myself. Now im going to talk to her to see where this ends, if shes willing to compromise and talk things over or not.

This is toxic. Why you would want this to "work" is beyond me. She is doing you a favor, now it's YOUR job to work on yourself so that you don't think these type of toxic relationships are "love".

This is where it all starts and where the transformation must take place. Inside of you. Whatever it is that is causing you to want this type of toxicity in your life needs to be rooted out or you are in for a long painful dating life my friend, and likely a very costly one at some point too.

People may think this is harsh for a new person to hear, but I am not a sugar coater, I shoot straight. The problem is inside of you, and you are the only one that has the power to fix it. Now you have to decide that you want to and legitimately put in the hard work to do so. And make no mistake, it WILL be hard work. But it will also be some of the most rewarding work you'll ever do, if you choose to.

 

[Twist]

This is toxic. Why you would want this to "work" is beyond me. She is doing you a favor, now it's YOUR job to work on yourself so that you don't think these type of toxic relationships are "love".

This is where it all starts and where the transformation must take place. Inside of you. Whatever it is that is causing you to want this type of toxicity in your life needs to be rooted out or you are in for a long painful dating life my friend, and likely a very costly one at some point too.

People may think this is harsh for a new person to hear, but I am not a sugar coater, I shoot straight. The problem is inside of you, and you are the only one that has the power to fix it. Now you have to decide that you want to and legitimately put in the hard work to do so. And make no mistake, it WILL be hard work. But it will also be some of the most rewarding work you'll ever do, if you choose to.

what should i do exactly? Any books i should read for example to get a better understanding? I really dont wanna game women or play power games which i think is abusive behaviour. Thankfully I have a turkish passport and turkish roots where we have alot of young non westernized women that would gladly marry me and come to the netherlands(where i live). My entire families history is based off arranged marriages from good families where our family knows eachother and a structure where the wife comes to my country and creates a bond with my family especially my mother so my mother can communicate to her needs if she doesnt get it from me. My mother did it with my dad and shes really happy strong woman, full of positive energy purely because my grandma picked her instead my dad doing it himself. I think I should stick with the your mother knows best for the son. Hence why my current gf dislikes my mom i feel like lol. I think the bestthing for me to do is to marry a woman from our village in turkey.Its tradition in our village and the divorce rates are non existent. Wellthe women sometimes get used bu toxic men which i feelsorry for but I know i wouldnt be like that towards my wife.

 

[allergictobs]

True, but we keep getting more or less the same results no matter how much we learn and better we become

My question was more philosophical, where is the end of the game? Is there any end?

Or we have to make peace with the fact that everything is sh1tt?

Two important points:

1. OP met her through tinder, that's a huge bias. In my experience, no sane woman these days is on tinder because they know it's full of douchebags just looking for ONS. I have seen only two types of women on tinder: 1) instagram models looking for followers, 2) weirdos (lots of tattoos/piercings or overweight).

Online dating has changed a lot in 10 years. I used OLD websites 10 years ago, and back then, there were somewhat normal women there. Not anymore. The sites are more like freak shows these days.

2. More and more women are staying single these days by choice. In the old days (previous generations), women had to at least try to keep their act together because they were dependent on men. Not anymore, so many just display their true nature. Which is good.

I believe only about 5-10% of all women actually like men so much that they want to spend time with them in a LTR. Let's hope that these people reproduce the most, so that future generations will be more sane.


From a philosophical standpoint, it helps if you realize that throughout history, women have never before been able to show their true nature until recently when they don't need men anymore. So basically the whole concept of a happy relationship between a man and a woman is mostly just a myth. It hasn't really ever existed. Of course, there are unicorns and if you find one, you are very lucky.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Too long to read, next time keep your posts short. Many members, including me, will not read entire novels. I don't have that kind of time.

Anyway, from the little I read you both invested too much time early into the relationship. It moved too fast and burned all the exciting phases of a relationship. Both got comfortable and she lost respect for you. Excitement was lost.

The solution is to give each other space to miss one another and value each other.

 

[The Diver]

From reading your intro, it's clear you're dealing with a low self-esteem-damaged girl.
Your mum is right and spot on; no need for mental gymnastics to understand it.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Hi I have been lurking this forum for a couple of days now and need some advice on this recent breakup. Maybe you guys can give me some pointers of things i may not yet have realised.

Little background story. I met this girl on tinder 6 months ago, we told eachother i love you after a month and she introduced me to her parents fairly early. Shes the strong indepent woman type of woman and is like “all men are the same” they are all dogs but you are different Twist, you are a good man. You are different than the other guys and the 4 exes I had before dont mean anything compared to you, I never loved them, you are the only one I ever loved is what I heard from her alot when I asked about her how she has 4 exes ltrs, while being 24. I dont just give my heart out to girls of whom I think have issues, but I still did. I thought there is a reason why it didnt work out with them and she told me its because she was never serious with them and she never cared, she just didnt wanna be alone. I just cant grasp how someone can be together for years without caring lol.

during the relationship we fought alot and it ended in her crying and being overly emotional, saying she is never good enough, she hates herself now, i (me) deserves better. she has pcos and Ithink thats why shes overly emotional (could be something else idk).

in the first two months we saw eachother almost everyday, we talked for hours on the phone, I met her parents, they liked me, she met mine, and my mother didnt like her saying she has a vibe shes controlling and she will take advantage of you being kind and sweet, saying she has negative energy and a negative view. My gf knew that my mom didnt like her immediatly.

Us being together so much made me realise i dont hang out with friends nor am i focussed on work, so i asked her for more space and hang out 3 times a week, she was fine with that.

4 months in i noticed i wasnt happy, I did too much for her, we never not once werent on the phone for atleast an hour a day, i couldnt game or hit the gym without her calling me and i was becoming tired and unhappy. I just didnt become sure in the relationship, not sure if i should continue, but i loved her and hoped to set boundaries which she would accept so we could have a healthy relationship where both our needs are met.

she did the following. She noticed my unhappyness and me being drained in the relationship and gave me an ultimatum, she cried and cried and screamed and told me she wanted me to trust her for a hundred percent and love her the way she loves me. I told her that I do love her, but that I just see our relationship as getting to know eachother because it has only been 4 months, I dont know if i can fully trust her. She demanded it and was crying and I had a hard time accepting on which she said that she doesnt deserve this, she deserves better, she doesnt know if she wants to be in the relationship if I dont give my all because thats what shes worth… I told her if she wants to break up with me i would be fine with that because then its not meant to be. She said: i dont know( fully emotional), then after a few seconds she changed her mind and said no i loveyou and want to be together.

However, after this I did everhthing for her the way she wanted it to be. I called her more than in the beginning phases and went on more dates, she seemed happy, i just didnt feel like myself anymore. I felt guilty about everything i did. I had thoughts about how she might feel if i looked at another woman, i wasnt myself anymore and I noticed it, I told her all the lies i have had ever told her because i felt guilty and had the need to explain everything to her, even intrusive thoughts. And I even did it.

I noticed what was happening and I put a stop to it. I wanted to follow my own journey and have her as the passenger, not the other way around. So after two weeks i came to my senses and told her I need more space for myself respectfully ofcourse. I sometimes need time for myself and cant pick up the phone and rather just text one day instead of talk. She went like “OKAY IF YOUWANT THAT THEN WE WILL DO IT YOURWAY”. She never contacted first, always made me contact and acted dry towards me. She was acting childish and when I her whats wrong, she said nothing, until i pushed her two days later to just communicate and please try to just compromise so we both can be happy in the relationship. She refused, hung up, send a text to me where she said that im a jerk and she hopes im happy now i hurt her blabla,I told her that if she wants to talk im there for her. She didnt react to my latest message until three days later where she sent me a break up text, putting all the fault on me, hoping I am happy and that I will find myself. Saying that me and my ego won, that i got what i wanted, but lost her in the progress. That everyone around me was right, and that she just wasnt worth the effort. In the text she also said that I did my final test to her and she didnt pass, she says im right she asked too much of me, especially your time… i didnt reply to her break up text(today btw) and i dont plan to reply.

All in all pretty weird, because every fight we had I put myself in her shoes and always came back to apogolise for how I did. This time i refused because iasked something respectfully of her and she just acted like a child and still gives me the wrong while im the one wanting to talk to try and compromise, she called me names and ignored my latest text aswell… im pretty heartbroken now and sad it had to go like this… thoughts???

Im late to the party. Other members already provided some solid advice, just take it.

You are very young, you still have many girls to meet. Dont give a girl exclusivity unless you like her more than all your previous LTRs combined.

 

[Bigpapa]

From a philosophical standpoint, it helps if you realize that throughout history, women have never before been able to show their true nature until recently when they don't need men anymore. So basically the whole concept of a happy relationship between a man and a woman is mostly just a myth. It hasn't really ever existed. Of course, there are unicorns and if you find one, you are very lucky.

Male thirst is the root to all problems that we encounter

In the moment there are problems they will get their attention from a horde of thirsty dudes

Women like more the attention than the sex itself , and they might not like it from low value guys but if they come in hordes it will
Make their brain go crazy

Why a woman would want the bad side of a LTR, when she can have all the time just the good part

The irony is that the more women behave poorly, the thirstier men get

Just to give you an example, a girl told me she did a story at a football game and then she got 200 thirsty dudes following her in less than a day

She is not even that great looking. Just cute. Maybe a 7-8 if she puts the time to do a really nice makeup

Wtf man? 200 followers from an instagram story ? That sh1t is wild

If a woman is decentish active on instagram and above average, she will have
Minimum 2-3k followers . If she is active, then she will get 10k. And this without really hoeing around

Was talking with a girl, she had a picture with 300k likes on a normal picture, and she is nice looking but for sure not at that level

The sheer extremity of social media is wild

Wouldn’t you also have a poor behavior if you would get attention left and right all the time without putting that much effort?

“If I got 300k likes on a picture, I must be a princess otherwise I would not get that amount of likes. That guy is a j3rk for not seeing what a princess I am. F8ck him! “

 

[Juanto]

in the first two months we saw eachother almost everyday

this is a huge mistake, NEVER do this. Keep it to once, max twice a week and everytime you meet have fun and have sex