5 year LTR ends

[young_gun]

Hey guys, it's been over 3 years since I've logged into this website - so I probably don't know 95% of you on here - but it's good to see the site is still up and well. Lots of great information on here. I recently read HBK's Breakup Guidelines post and have to say it is worth its weight in gold.

Anyway, I'm asking you guys to hear my story and console me a bit. I just broke up with my girlfriend of nearly 5 years. We lived together, moved 1500 miles across the country together about 18 months ago, and for the most part had a very fulfilling relationship until just recently.

I went to a friend's wedding in July and started to have my doubts about the relationship when I got home. I never suspected she was cheating on me or anything (we never broke up even once in nearly 5 years) but the fact that I'm getting all kinds of pressure (not necessarily from her) to get married has got me asking myself where my life is going.
We didn't fight a whole lot, but got into a pretty big 2-week fight up until I decided to end it. I feel like I can't do anything without her around anymore. For example, she's been really ridiculous to me about watching college football with my buddies and working OT at work. We're pretty swamped right now at work, but my boss has just asked us to put in an extra 5-10 hours a week. I tried to have the conversation with her about a year ago about how I need some space every once in awhile and it absolutely blew up in my face. To be honest, I've hesitated to bring it up ever since because I know it'll cause a fight.

We're both college educated and have pretty solid jobs for each being just 25. I'm excited about what the future is to bring me career-wise in the next 5-10 years, and she's got a good job too. She's a reasonably attractive girl (I'd say a 7/10) but what always attracted me to her is her positive attitude and intelligence. Sex was good, and even now we'd do it 2-3 times a week.

I'm having a bit of a dilemma here. I feel like I've thrown a pretty damned good catch back in the water, but I'm relieved to have my space and freedom back. Now I can work as much as I want, do anything I want and go back to school to get my MBA without her nagging me about how I don't make enough time for her. I shouldn't have gone digging. for it, but I found out she created a Match.com profile about 3 days after we broke up. Once again, stupid of me, but I'm surprised by this. I'm trying not to let it affect my judgment but can't help but feel jealous about it.

Talk to me guys.

 

[betheman]

she wants marriage, youre not ready. this is what gets me about 'love' its a fucc king joke, if she really loved you, she would still be with you and not put that pressure on you, straight on to a dating site after? this is how women love men, its a transaction, give me what I want or Ill get it from someone else.

 

[Desdinova]

Moved to Mature Man...

 

[Buddha_Mind]

(regarding love as betheman described) Well, when someone is rejected they likely are not going to waste their time. Isn't that the mantra of SS - you NEXT it. She's NEXTED the situation because she was dumped. Can you blame her?

I think many guys would like to find a girlfriend as you've described, maybe minus the too close thing--honestly if you were not ready you'd be making a bigger mistake by marrying someone whom you aren't stoked to marry or don't want to.

You should want to be with them, despite their faults, you should want to be with them.

If you aren't feeling that maybe better to let em go now?

But at the same time people aren't perfect...sometimes I wonder on this site how we expect SO MUCH out of these women while often SO LITTLE is expected of ourselves on this site (such as a woman ought to love you unconditionally but a man ought to NEXT asap)...this place is full of scorned bitter angry men who hate marriage hate relationship hate the notion of love because they've failed and blame the outside world and the 'congitive condition' of women and these complex theories and essays when really probably 99% of our problems are because of OUR OWN fault and not being aware or caring or receptive or maintaining our relationship...

What about making a man cave or something? I mean if you had some space from her a bit maybe you'd miss her a bit more...

Does she treat you well? Does she take your well-being into account? Does she go out of her way to show she cared about you? Did she speak well of you to others? (aka not cut you down?) Did she work to be a good girlfriend and satisfy your sexual needs?

Those are questions to think about too.


// EDIT //

Hey man, I took a bong rip, lol and had more thoughts about your situation and wanted to write again but hit my post limit. Had to edit this post instead. Wanted to say: Honestly I think you are doing the right thing by breaking up with her. If you feel that the relationship you are in now is confining and limiting your options, than you are doing the absolute right thing. It sounds like you really are excited about your job into the future, that you want to pursue higher things (like your MBA) and if you pursue those things you will likely live a much happier life. And by being happier you'll have an even better version of yourself to share with someone. Versus staying where you are now and being limited and feeling limited and being a lesser place to provide a good life for yourself. You sound like a good person man. You met her when you were 20 also, yes? I am 28 and have seen many people whom got married young struggle or end in divorce, as both parties are still trying to root themselves in the world and provide for themselves, and as a result their options become limited. Or neither person truly pursues what they want to pursue or love. Follow what you love man. Everything will work out!

 

[Alvafe]

yeah brifault's law here again huh? guess us guys can forget to have a woman loving you, it you who does and do what you have to do nothing else.

but hey just think that way, its you who is free now to have fun, don't need to lose time with her anymore, possible you can find another who is less annoying and better looking.

 

[Slickster]

Great response by Buddha and the bong there.

I would like to add...

I'm now a firm believer that the best relationships occur when you "just know" right from the start. Once you learn how to differentiate between those gushing new relationship feelings and your true feelings you can start eliminating LTRs that are a waste of time.

I don't mean love at first sight but after a while you just learn to recognize right away which women are worth investing time in. Too many times men allow themselves to go too far and end up feeling the pressure of marriage or worse figure it out after the fact.

I think you made the right call breaking up because you should never have to talk yourself into it. There are tons of great women you could have a good relationship with and they still may not be the right person for you. Recognizing that is an important step that many miss.

When it's right the pieces just fall into place and you won't look back.

 

[The Gambler]

For example, she's been really ridiculous to me about watching college football with my buddies and working OT at work. We're pretty swamped right now at work, but my boss has just asked us to put in an extra 5-10 hours a week. I tried to have the conversation with her about a year ago about how I need some space every once in awhile and it absolutely blew up in my face.

Of everything you said, this is by far the biggie in my opinion. She's trying to box you into what SHE thinks your daily schedule should be. Maybe it's because of her insecurities with you finding another woman, or maybe just general jealousy that you're away from her. Either way, this behavior on her part is not good. Even fatal, dare I say. Working a bit of overtime when needed is not unreasonable (and how someone gets ahead financially)... Watching a game with a few buddies isn't unreasonable either... Come on now.

What seems to be unreasonable was the way she was putting the clamps to ya. Her future "Mr. Perfect" is apparently going to be some spineless, clueless AFC she manages to hook... Until she realizes that she misses a real man who has strength and social value. But I'm afraid it'll take her a while to figure this out.

The Gambler

 

[muscleman]

You're too young and you're realizing this. Your sexual market value is rising, while hers has just about peaked. You're becoming more valuable, she's not, and you're both realizing this.

This is normal. You're not ready for marriage.

I actually broke up with my last LTR at the SAME age as you, for nearly the same reasons (she wasn't really progressing, I had a nice job, bought a place, and she just wanted to get married although the relationship wasn't getting any better). Been single since and it's been the best time of my life. Tapping plenty of pvssy and focusing on me. That may not be you, but I know where you're coming from.

There will be plenty of good catches in your life as long as you focus on becoming the best man you can. It will get even better in the next few years.

You made an informed decision for specific reasons. The only doubt you're going to have is because you invested so much time and so much of your ego into her and now you have to effectively 'start over'. It's ok. It's going to be a little rough for a while, but start getting back out there to take your mind off her.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Any update on this? Any resolution?