4 months into relationship, up and down

[randalljohnson]

Not only it was quick, YOU asked for it. Should be the female pushing for the relationship and the bonding.

you think she agreed because she was vulnerable?

 

[Juanto]

Well I think what she's doing now is showing that she does value her time, Im not one of those jerky aholes thats going to play her

How do you know she didnt play them?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Well I think what she's doing now is showing that she does value her time, Im not one of those jerky aholes thats going to play her

Being played wastes her time. A man true like yourself is an asset. A player is fools gold.

 

[wolf]

wolf, im going to respond to your comment more in depth, but I wanted to know your thoughts on why you wouldve dumped her already?

Because this chick is straight up disrespecting you!

When you have been mind fuked by a girl with BPD/NPD and you have managed to walk away with some of your mind intact, something magical happens. You develop this 6th sense where you can smell bullchit coming out of a chicks mouth and that's when you know it's time to bounce.

The Love Bombing.... The Mirroring.... i can see it all now and i can also see the evil lurking behind the Mask. I look forward to your in depth answer.

 

[xstang77]

Have you two fell in love with each other? I'm guessing yes.

If so:

Many times in relationships “love” brings unresolved feelings to the surface. One day we are feeling loved, the next we are suddenly afraid to trust. The painful memories of being rejected begin to surface when we are faced with trusting and accepting our partner’s love. Feelings that we could not express in the past suddenly flood our consciousness when we are safe to feel. Love begins to thaw out our repressed feelings, and gradually those unresolved feelings begin to surface into our relationships.

We are all walking around with a bundle of unresolved feelings, the wounds from our past, that lie dormant within us until the time comes when we feel loved. Then, as we feel safe to be ourselves our hurt feelings come to the surface. Often we get into fights, blame our partners, pull away, look for distractions, and nit-pick their shortcomings instead of healing our past which results in pulling away and suppressing the feelings once again.

The problem with the dating world we all operate in these days is everyone ends up with too many experiences that ended badly leaving us with emotional baggage that never gets addressed. You have to put your past issues to bed before you are any good to someone else. And this seems to effect women the most.

How we deal with these past negative experiences creates our "attachment type" in future relationships.
Secure attachment(which is ideal), Anxious attachment, Dismissive, and Avoidant are all different types that explain how/why people bond like they do in romantic relationships.

This is then realest most knowledgeable thing I've read on here in a while, bravo for adding substance to the forum instead of the average winter bickering going back and forth her lately my friend.

 

[randalljohnson]

The comment about how we should still be in the honeymoon phase 4 months in-- isnt the length of the honeymoon phase a bit subjective? I mean, can't some people say it lasts 2 weeks, some say 1 month, some say 2 months? I thought the beginning months of a relationship youre ironing out the wrinkles and meshing with eachother through your differences.. am i wrong about this?

 

[randalljohnson]

Because this chick is straight up disrespecting you!

When you have been mind fuked by a girl with BPD/NPD and you have managed to walk away with some of your mind intact, something magical happens. You develop this 6th sense where you can smell bullchit coming out of a chicks mouth and that's when you know it's time to bounce.

The Love Bombing.... The Mirroring.... i can see it all now and i can also see the evil lurking behind the Mask. I look forward to your in depth answer.

Just to understand this correctly-- youre saying shes bipolar or a narcissist?

Also, what is your definition of love bombing and mirroring?

Thirdly, when you mention the evil behind the mask, im assuming youre saying shes evil?

 

[wolf]

Just to understand this correctly-- youre saying shes bipolar or a narcissist?

Also, what is your definition of love bombing and mirroring?

Thirdly, when you mention the evil behind the mask, im assuming youre saying shes evil?

I am not saying she is Bipolar or a Narcissist No. What I am saying is that she is disrespecting you and the relationship by seeking validation from Captain Chad and Co.

My definition of Mirroring goes something like this...

Me: I love Horror Books..

Her: I love Horror Books too..

Me: Oh yeah? What is your favourite Horror Book?

Her: I like them all.

Me: But which one is your favourite?

Her: *becomes defensive* I like them all!! I told you I like them all! God I'm not Stupid!..eugh.... *rolls eyes*

This is the kind of reaction you get when you call them out on their mirroring Bullchit. They want you to think "wow this chick is just like me.."..
What they don't want you to do is question them. They will only turn the conversation on you if you do... it's complex.

Love Bombing is basically the equivalent of fattening the Turkey in October. They fill you with all of the good stuff and stroke your ego before the inevitable chop. They basically tell you everything you want/need to hear and usually buy you gifts in excess. The aim of the game is to control you.

I am not saying your chick is Evil as I domt know her. I get the feeling you are externalising too much. Look inside yourself and deep into your past. It's a pretty good way of predicting your future. Also answer to the initial post I made to you. The more you tell me the more I can help you...

Peace

 

[Skyline]

I met girlfriend about 4.5 months ago. We jumped into things pretty quickly. It only took us a couple of weeks before we became exclusive. (Fast, I know. I pretty much asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, and she agreed.) We became exclusive about 4 months ago. A few weeks before we met, she had just been betrayed by a guy she was dating for a short while. He was an unfaithful "alpha" type guy (who she was in love with) and he played her. Im more of a traditional guy (not the "bad boy alpha" type of guy, like she's fallen for in the past). Me and her both have our baggage with dating. In the past, she's fallen for jerks/players and I've had my fair share of exes who I'd classify as being psychos. I know she's been desperately looking for "the one" and to find comfort and stability. And I'd like the same too. We're both in our late 20s.

Anyway, she agreed to be exclusive a couple of weeks in. The relationship has been up and down between us so far. Our kids get along great, and I love her son. The thing is, it took nearly 3 months for her to publicly acknowledge me as her boyfriend. She likes to post her happiness and unhappiness on facebook. So when we were first dating, she would be tagging me in statuses, etc. When we were fighting, she wouldn't say anything about me for a few weeks. I dug a little deeper, and found that she had added a few random local guys on facebook. I continued digging, and saw that she was Liking these guys pictures and leaving flirty comments on their statuses. She never had her relationship status on her page, so Im pretty sure she was trying to disguise herself as being single to these guys.

A few weeks ago, we've had one of our "up" moments rather than "down", and I noticed she had deleted the random guys and finally made our status public after about 3 months into the relationship.
Things have been good between us lately, and she's telling me things like "youre so amazing" "im so happy i found you, i finally have someone that truly makes me happy" "dont ever stop being you" etc.

She's been real lovey dovey like that recently. She's also posting stuff like this on facebook.

But Im worried that if things go south again, if she's going to do the same kind of stuff. I havent brought this up to her (yet) because I know it would seem stalkerish if I mentioned these things to her. Should I be worried or does anybody see any real red flags here?

I'm not relationship guru here, but the first 3 months of a relationship will decide how long it will last. Your first 3 months, she didn't even acknowledge your relationship. Flirting with random dudes online...

This WILL happen again. I would highly suggest to start looking at other options.

Let's compare your first 3 months to my buddy's first 3.

They moved in together within a month of being together. All she posts on facebook is how much she likes him and how lucky she is. All your girl did was flirt with random dudes. She boasts about him in person and they frequently have sex- rarely argue. Your girl didn't even acknowledge you were together.

Their first 3 months were on cloud 9.

Who's relationship is going to be longer here? Unfortunately, not yours...

 

[Skyline]

The comment about how we should still be in the honeymoon phase 4 months in-- isnt the length of the honeymoon phase a bit subjective? I mean, can't some people say it lasts 2 weeks, some say 1 month, some say 2 months? I thought the beginning months of a relationship youre ironing out the wrinkles and meshing with eachother through your differences.. am i wrong about this?

No you're absolutely correct about dictating what you do and don't like. Some couples find it sooner than others but you generally want to take note of the first 3 months.

It's like making sure the structure of a building is strong enough to support the very top from toppeling over.

 

[randalljohnson]

I'm not relationship guru here, but the first 3 months of a relationship will decide how long it will last. Your first 3 months, she didn't even acknowledge your relationship. Flirting with random dudes online...

This WILL happen again. I would highly suggest to start looking at other options.

Let's compare your first 3 months to my buddy's first 3.

They moved in together within a month of being together. All she posts on facebook is how much she likes him and how lucky she is. All your girl did was flirt with random dudes. She boasts about him in person and they frequently have sex- rarely argue. Your girl didn't even acknowledge you were together.

Their first 3 months were on cloud 9.

Who's relationship is going to be longer here? Unfortunately, not yours...

In the very beginning (first couple weeks) she was tagging me in stauses, then she went a bit cold for a couple months (when we were rocky) and thats when I noticed her adding/flirting with the random guys...but now she deleted those random guys, made our relationship status visible, is tagging me in things, and is telling me how amazing I am and how happy I make her, and what a great father figure I am to her kid

How long has your buddy been in his relationship? I always thought relationships that started off THAT great were relationships bound to fade after the euphoria went away..but im the one asking the question on here so I guess im not extremely knowledgeable

 

[wolf]

In the very beginning (first couple weeks) she was tagging me in stauses, then she went a bit cold for a couple months (when we were rocky) and thats when I noticed her adding/flirting with the random guys...but now she deleted those random guys, made our relationship status visible, is tagging me in things, and is telling me how amazing I am and how happy I make her, and what a great father figure I am to her kid

How long has your buddy been in his relationship? I always thought relationships that started off THAT great were relationships bound to fade after the euphoria went away..but im the one asking the question on here so I guess im not extremely knowledgeable

What is your Gut telling you about this woman??

 

[Skyline]

In the very beginning (first couple weeks) she was tagging me in stauses, then she went a bit cold for a couple months (when we were rocky) and thats when I noticed her adding/flirting with the random guys...but now she deleted those random guys, made our relationship status visible, is tagging me in things, and is telling me how amazing I am and how happy I make her, and what a great father figure I am to her kid

How long has your buddy been in his relationship? I always thought relationships that started off THAT great were relationships bound to fade after the euphoria went away..but im the one asking the question on here so I guess im not extremely knowledgeable

About 7 months now.

Two highly compatible people will naturally be okay with their differences. If you see something you don't like within the first 3 months and ignore it, it will come back and be worse later down the road.

So it's safe to say your first month was rocky. When it gets rocky again, that is what she does. She gave you a low and now she's giving a high by telling you all of this positive stuff. Your next low is going to hurt. Women who are like this are dangerous to deal with for that reason.

It doesn't matter if only 1/3, or even 1/2, of the first 3 months are bad, you already saw what she does if things aren't going well. She tries to branch swing and hoes around on the internet whilst leaving you in the dark. Whether or not you're okay with this is up to you.

Like I said, I'm not a relationship guru. But I would not invest much more time into a girl who does stuff like this.

 

[randalljohnson]

About 7 months now.

Two highly compatible people will naturally be okay with their differences. If you see something you don't like within the first 3 months and ignore it, it will come back and be worse later down the road.

So it's safe to say your first month was rocky. When it gets rocky again, that is what she does. She gave you a low and now she's giving a high by telling you all of this positive stuff. Your next low is going to hurt. Women who are like this are dangerous to deal with for that reason.

It doesn't matter if only 1/3, or even 1/2, of the first 3 months are bad, you already saw what she does if things aren't going well. She tries to branch swing and hoes around on the internet whilst leaving you in the dark. Whether or not you're okay with this is up to you.

Like I said, I'm not a relationship guru. But I would not invest much more time into a girl who does stuff like this.

I apologize for the late reply.

I can't help but to agree with your post. I dont know if this behavior will happen again (the logical side of me says-- it probably will ESPECIALLY if i dont say anything about it) I just want to believe that she REALLY IS set on me now and wont let our ups and downs cause her to seek external validation and attention like this. I take it you think that wont change.

 

[Billtx49]

This woman does not know the meaning of the word loyalty, much less practice it. If you do decide to proceed with her, do so with extreme caution, but I would advise against doing so.

 

[randalljohnson]

This woman does not know the meaning of the word loyalty, much less practice it.

On our 2nd or 3rd date, we talked about our pasts. She seemed pretty adamant on being loyal and her feelings on loyalty. Would you consider something like she did to be "emotional cheating"?

 

[Billtx49]

On our 2nd or 3rd date, we talked about our pasts. She seemed pretty adamant on being loyal and her feelings on loyalty. Would you consider something like she did to be "emotional cheating"?

Does not matter what she said to you. Only she knows why she did it. You have seen her actions. Decide if you want to live with that type of behavior from her. That type of behavior is not likely to change.

 

[Skyline]

I apologize for the late reply.

I can't help but to agree with your post. I dont know if this behavior will happen again (the logical side of me says-- it probably will ESPECIALLY if i dont say anything about it) I just want to believe that she REALLY IS set on me now and wont let our ups and downs cause her to seek external validation and attention like this. I take it you think that wont change.

If you really want her then dive in. Just know that she does this when things go bad. It wouldn't hurt to have a back up girl in this situation.

About her talking about the loyalty thing, you know that she's not actually loyal. It's the same situation that they will accuse you of cheating when they're the one that's cheating. So just agree and amplify and copy her when things get bad.

I would consider this a toxic relationship so I personally would opt out exclusivity. But if you can make it work, like talk to other girls, then do it.

 

[randalljohnson]

If you really want her then dive in. Just know that she does this when things go bad. It wouldn't hurt to have a back up girl in this situation.

About her talking about the loyalty thing, you know that she's not actually loyal. It's the same situation that they will accuse you of cheating when they're the one that's cheating. So just agree and amplify and copy her when things get bad.

I would consider this a toxic relationship so I personally would opt out exclusivity. But if you can make it work, like talk to other girls, then do it.

Out of curiosity, you consider this online behavior to be a breach of loyalty?

Being that she's given me such a high now "youre so amazing" "im so happy i met you, i finally have found happiness" etc. im hoping she turned the corner from her "promiscuous online presence" when things were going sideways with us. Or maybe Im a fool...

 

[Skyline]

Out of curiosity, you consider this online behavior to be a breach of loyalty?

Being that she's given me such a high now "youre so amazing" "im so happy i met you, i finally have found happiness" etc. im hoping she turned the corner from her "promiscuous online presence" when things were going sideways with us. Or maybe Im a fool...

Of course.

She essentially went behind your back while you were at work/away. It might be going good now but when it gets bad, and you would be a fool to think every relationship is perfect, she does this.