2nd marriages lead to divorce.

[Mbuckets82]

It’s of those that divorce and marry again 7/10 didnt learn anything. I like the idea of a ceremony but no state involvement. If I do get serious I would date a year then go into premarital counseling for the next year. After that still not involve the state. This all being contingent that my kids aren’t affected that much. Highly unlikely. But never say never.

 

[Serenity]

Guys,

hearing that 2nd marriages have such a high divorce rate why do you guys think dudes go right into their next marriage? It scares me to no end. Especially with kids how can it happen?

This completely makes sense to me. They got divorced the first time because of some dysfunction, if that dysfunction follows them into the next marriage then it's no surprise it will cause another divorce.

Therefore it is imperative to thoroughly investigate the role oneself played leading up to the first divorce and learn. But this is what likely fails, most guys can't detach from their emotions, blame their ex and think they had no part in what lead to a divorce. So they go on to marry again, oblivious to how their own actions lead their wives to become hostile and in complete denial of any wrongdoing. Many people seem to do that.

The only way to mitigate risk with a second marriage is to learn as much as possible from the previous one, very few go down this path. Those who do are more successful.

The only surefire way to avoid a second divorce is to not marry a second time though, many also choose this option.

It's the same thing with people who change girlfriend/boyfriend more often than they change underwear, the common denominator is themselves, but they're too much in denial to even consider it.

 

[BeExcellent]

It's tough for many people, men and women, to fathom the idea of being alone for the rest of their lives. So they jump right in as quick as they can. I can relate, I really don't like being alone. But in this dating market I see it as 2 x choices, either: be alone and protect my money assets etc OR risk it all by getting married again. I know if I don't get married again I will end up with something in the end, my stuff. But if I do get married again, I could live the rest of my life with both a wife and my stuff, OR, end up with little or none of it. So it's a guarantee (stay unmarried) vs a risk (get married). And that's what keeps me unmarried. That right there. Many guys don't understand this dating market enough yet, or, they do and would rather take the risk.

I’m with LL on this one. Having done the whole marriage & kid thing I’m now all about asset protection (since my assets have to put my kids through college and provide me income when I’m old.)

So although I prefer doing life with a partner I’m highly unlikely to remarry for the exact reasons Lefty mentioned AND I’m going to be choosy about who I partner with.

I dig my alone time & like not having to answer to anybody. I have lots of great friends to do stuff with and talk to IF I feel like it. I’m willing to sacrifice those freedoms to a degree to enjoy a meaningful relationship...but not to the point of getting married.

Too much financial risk. Pass.

 

[RickTheToad]

I’m with LL on this one. Having done the whole marriage & kid thing I’m now all about asset protection (since my assets have to put my kids through college and provide me income when I’m old.)

So although I prefer doing life with a partner I’m highly unlikely to remarry for the exact reasons Lefty mentioned AND I’m going to be choosy about who I partner with.

I dig my alone time & like not having to answer to anybody. I have lots of great friends to do stuff with and talk to IF I feel like it. I’m willing to sacrifice those freedoms to a degree to enjoy a meaningful relationship...but not to the point of getting married.

Too much financial risk. Pass.

Not always going to look like Rebecca de Mornay... Most people do not like being alone.. Something to consider. Doubtful a dude would press for marriage, that's what ladies do. Then again, maybe the soy boy generation wants it too. Who knows...

 

[BeExcellent]

Not always going to look like Rebecca de Mornay... Most people do not like being alone.. Something to consider. Doubtful a dude would press for marriage, that's what ladies do. Then again, maybe the soy boy generation wants it too. Who knows...

I’m not overly worried about it. I’ll take good care of myself physically and see what happens. Keep in mind women often outlive their husbands anyway...which means more often than not elderly women end up alone anyway. If I have a fulfilling relationship that’s wonderful...and I expect I will...but I like me and have lots to do outside a relationship so either way I’m good...

And I’ll never be a cat lady...I’ve got too many other things to do than hole up by myself, lol.

Focus on being & doing your best. And things have a way of working out.

Cheers

 

[Reyaj]

As someone who is married I have to say thus far I prefer it to chasing tail. I agree its not necessary if children aren't in the plans, I do want them and a family so wouldn't marriage provide a good structure for that?

People on here really lose sight of everyday life I think. Is the concept of finding a life partner who you can bond and grow with really lost on all of you?

I realize posting about this is the equivalent of posting socialistic views in a republican forum but I'll be amused at the responses

 

[Desdinova]

Guys,

hearing that 2nd marriages have such a high divorce rate why do you guys think dudes go right into their next marriage? It scares me to no end. Especially with kids how can it happen?

I generally don't think it's the dude's fault. I honestly believe that women are useless as long term partners after they've been alpha-widowed. I honestly believe that is the most likely reason for the first marriage to fail, let alone a 2nd or 3rd one.

 

[RickTheToad]

It’s of those that divorce and marry again 7/10 didnt learn anything. I like the idea of a ceremony but no state involvement. If I do get serious I would date a year then go into premarital counseling for the next year. After that still not involve the state. This all being contingent that my kids aren’t affected that much. Highly unlikely. But never say never.

Simple. Don't get married. If she wants to have her day, you can give it to her.. Well, as long as it doesn't have any signed marriage license by the State and she signs a contract stating this is, in no way shape or form, a way for two people to display they are legally married and to become one under the eyes of the law. If she says no, then she never "loved" you anyway and wanted you as a security blanket.

I generally don't think it's the dude's fault. I honestly believe that women are useless as long term partners after they've been alpha-widowed. I honestly believe that is the most likely reason for the first marriage to fail, let alone a 2nd or 3rd one.

I think it may be a mixture of two. One, if the female has already been divorced, she's been through the machine and knows what's on the other end. She usually makes out better than the dude. If he has already gone through the divorce machine, regardless of the outcome, his view has changed about marriage and divorce. He's usually very hesitant to go down that road again. I call that road the blvd. of broken dreams when the sh it hits the fan. Could a dude strike it rich the second time, sure, but would you want to take that bet when you are already established?

 

[Mbuckets82]

Great advice. Alll around. Thanks bros.

 

[corrector]

Getting re-married sounds way too out on left field that I wouldn't care to re-marry again since I see the failure of the first marriage as simply a combination of rotten luck and a bad match. Learning what went wrong in a marriage is as futile as learning why you lottery numbers didn't match to win the jackpot. It's like, nobody chooses to board a plane that crashes and you can't fault someone's decision-making process to buying that ticket as that stat is never anticipated or you'd never fly.

 

[Lumix]

The only way to mitigate risk with a second marriage is to learn as much as possible from the previous one, very few go down this path.

Unfortunately, learning is just the first step. Changing is a whole different story. If you've had bad parenting, childhood sht, no father figure, feminist parents, you live in a world that doesn't exist, you live in Disneyland, and stepping out of it requires a TON of energy that a lot of men just can't afford to spend.

Is the concept of finding a life partner who you can bond and grow with really lost on all of you?

Thanks for posting a different point of view.

Honestly, I don't know how to answer that question anymore. I wish I could say it still exists, but you have to be a bit pragmatic, especially when you reach 40+ and have a long trail of bloody relationships behind you.

The women I meet don't give a single fck about bonding and growth, they want their emotional roller coaster. No chemistry = No relationship. And I can't blame them because I am the same. I can't bond with a girl I am not emotionally attracted to. I already tried that, it doesn't work. The relationship lasted 4 years but we were just friends and we wouldn't have s3x anymore at all. Luckily we didn't get married or have kids. What's funny is that ex is now happily married and they have a little girl.

And every time I was emotionally attracted to a woman she was crazy or depressed or unavailable or I fcked up the relationship because of my own brain damages.

So yeah, I honestly don't know... I think the probability to have a successful long term relationship, after a long series of failed ones, is so low that it's worth asking ourselves if we want to pursue that idea or do a better investment of our time and energy and just enjoy good food, good drink and prostitutes.

 

[Reyaj]

Thanks for posting a different point of view.

Honestly, I don't know how to answer that question anymore. I wish I could say it still exists, but you have to be a bit pragmatic, especially when you reach 40+ and have a long trail of bloody relationships behind you.

The women I meet don't give a single fck about bonding and growth, they want their emotional roller coaster. No chemistry = No relationship. And I can't blame them because I am the same. I can't bond with a girl I am not emotionally attracted to. I already tried that, it doesn't work. The relationship lasted 4 years but we were just friends and we wouldn't have s3x anymore at all. Luckily we didn't get married or have kids. What's funny is that ex is now happily married and they have a little girl.

And every time I was emotionally attracted to a woman she was crazy or depressed or unavailable or I fcked up the relationship because of my own brain damages.

So yeah, I honestly don't know... I think the probability to have a successful long term relationship, after a long series of failed ones, is so low that it's worth asking ourselves if we want to pursue that idea or do a better investment of our time and energy and just enjoy good food, good drink and prostitutes.

You have to be pragmatic at any age with this stuff, but yes definitely more when you're older. Most women out there are garbage I can't deny that. What's unfortunate is the older they get the more baggage they most likely have. Nothing wrong with a life of good food and some paid services. However if you're willing to put in the work to vet well, you can find a decent one. You'll probably need to look a little younger though.

 

[Serenity]

Unfortunately, learning is just the first step. Changing is a whole different story.

You haven't really learned if you haven't changed. Having truly learned the lesson is the last step.

 

[Seductions_Mad_Scientist]

Guys,

hearing that 2nd marriages have such a high divorce rate why do you guys think dudes go right into their next marriage? It scares me to no end. Especially with kids how can it happen?

Look, if you tell a toddler to not eat a cookie once but don't explicitly have a way the toddler cant access the cookie is it surprising the toddler would still go for the cookie? No.

Probably the reason I tend to be more authoritarian in structuring rules around behaviors I deem important. Not that I'm not at times guilty of the same phenomena. Probably also relates to how I manage down. If a subordinate says they'll do x,y and z today they'll probably get one of em done, maybe two, highly unlikely all of em. If I meet a person who both manages to take a lot of roles and consistently complete them adequately that is usually a good signal they can take real feedback. Those are the people you spend your limited budget of ****s to give to grow and support. Most people are both unintelligent and lazy. A smaller percentage are either intelligent or hardworking. A smaller still percentage are both intelligent and hard-working.

Similarly, you tell a dude whose spent no time thinking how ****ing stupid marriage is that he shouldn't get married again or at least not right away he may just "go for the cookie" again.

You cant just tell someone to not do a behavior they are likely to do and whats worse is you cant really tell most people to address the underlying problem anyway so even if they hold off for a bit they still will probably slip for a while.

The worst part is that often you can't address the underlying issue with people . Whether it be fitness, money, relationships or other. What advice is more likely? "fix your diet, sleep and exercise" or "buy this magic supplement or workout plan"

Accordingly, how would it go over if you told someone to:
1) Work on their inner issues.
2) Encourage their partners to work on their inner issues.
3) Learn about relationships.
4) Spend time to figure out what relationship is best or them at this time.
5) Accept that no matter how hard they may work on themselves they may never find a perfect partner or perfect situation for that partnership to thrive.
6) Do all of this for a matter of years

Instead, they can just find the next random person and settle for them cuz they are "good enough."

My parents divorced when I was relatively old (21). My dad, his partner and I have a good relationship and can talk about how marriage isn't always the best move for people. My mom however, is far too dyed in the wool as a super-christian to even entertain the possibility of alternatives to marriage existing.

The marshmellow test in psychology is an interesting corollary.

Cheers bro

 

[mrgoodstuff]

What if your "inner issue" was that you are connecting to "a$$holes", the ex was an a$$hole, and without you connecting to a new and more generous babe that you will stay fvcked and angry.