27 and need help!

[mb1978]

Long post...

Well, I've been reading the stuff on these forums for 2-3 weeks now, and now I've decided to register and start asking some questions. I think a lot of the info in here is great. I have read most of the DJ Bible, and I find most of the stuff in there to be accurate. Of course, I don't do any of the things in there because I am one of those "nice guys" that wouldn't want to say demeaning stuff to women. I just don't believe that's right (I am somewhat religious but don't go to church, and I have very high morals).

My personal situation is definitely not as bad as some of the others I have read about (that chancer fellow really had it rough, but he seems to have pulled himself out of the hole...if he can do it, I should be able to also). However, let me tell you what I'm up against. I'm 27 and haven't so much as kissed a girl (I think one or two have kissed me on the cheek before but they were drunk/fat ). I am really shy around any girl that seems out of my league or even ones that might not be but I am attracted to. I have been on one "date" in my life (the only one I think I've ever asked for, so I suppose I should feel good that I haven't been rejected before). I asked a girl I really liked to a play in college...she didn't seem completely disinterested, but she was pretty much "out of my league" and nothing came out of it.

I am one of those people that is always worried about others will think if I go up to them and just start talking. I still live at home and only have one really good friend. He lives 20 miles away, and I end up staying at his apartment at least 2-3 times a week just to try to do something away from home. He has a live-in g/f now, so I'm not entirely sure they appreciate me staying there. My friend is very easy-going though, so I don't think he really cares that much. Still, it's probably not the greatest thing to be doing.

I do not drink, and I never will (not a religious decision). I basically have a staunch no-drinking policy. I do not want to be out of control of my faculties at any time. I don't care how "loose" it makes you feel; I don't want to be in that state. I work in a chemistry lab and get enough crap on me each day which is way worse than alcohol, so I don't need it. The lab is completely cut off from the front offices and I work 3rd shift, so I never interact with women (not that there are any in my age group up there anyway).

My friend does not go to bars, and none of my other acquaintances do either. They are all either married or in serious relationships already. That would mean I would have to go to a bar by myself and be somewhere I really don't want to be. I hate the smell of smoke and I don't drink, so the only reason I would want to go there would be to sing karaoke...I do enjoy singing, but that would be the only reason I'd go by myself.

Physical profile...I am 6' 2 1/2" and weigh 150 pounds. I have gained 8 pounds in the past 10 years...how I don't know. I eat all the time, and I never gain weight. I suppose part of the reason I don't (besides my genetics which seem predisposed to being freakishly skinny) is because I started running about a year ago. I belong to a gym, and I run 3-5 miles or bike several times a week. Anyway, I really don't want to get bigger by lifting. I don't enjoy lifting as much as I enjoy running. The problem is everyone says you need to lift in order for women to want to notice you. I'm sure my horridly scrawny appearance does not help matters. Add into the equation an extremely big nose, crooked teeth, freckles, no tan (I cannot keep one for longer than a week even in summer), and a face that makes most people think I'm about 21, and you have me. I mean, I don't think I look ghastly, but I know I'm probably on the lower half of the beauty scale.

My wardrobe consists of various T-shirts I have collected from the Internet for free. I have probably only purchased 5 shirts in my life because I either get them for Christmas or free from the net.

Anyway, I guess I wanted to ask these questions...

1) Do I really have to lift to get decent looking women to notice me? I just don't really want to get bigger muscles because I am pretty much fine with the shape my body is in now. I suppose I wouldn't mind being more "toned," but heck...I'm so skinny as it is I don't have much else to gain.

2) Since I don't like bars, where the heck am I supposed to go to meet girls? I have only seen a few girls in the gym, mainly because of my work schedule. I go at hours when there aren't a lot of people there. I don't get there until 6 or 7 PM most nights because I sleep from 10 AM-6 PM when I work 3rd shift. There is never anyone at the gym at that time except older folks.

3) I suppose I need to buy some more "trendy" clothes if I ever do go out somewhere (which is pretty much never right now). What are the best stores to buy from?

Keep in mind that I live in a very small town that has no night life at all. There is a little more to do where my friend lives, but still it's basically only bars. The closest big city is 60 miles away (Pittsburgh), and I refuse to drive down there because it's just a total cluster-eff with the roads. My friends are either loners or quiet people that don't go to parties or bars anyway. The other people I work with are not in my age group, are already married, or live very far away from me.

I am now willing to change my lifestyle for the better, but it's really hard with the cards that have been dealt. It just seems like I have nowhere to go and no one to do it with even if I wanted to. I don't want to move because I do like the area and my job is stable and pretty easy. So after all that...anyone have some good advice? Thanks a lot.

 

[Desdinova]

I am really shy around any girl that seems out of my league

Women being "out of your league" is just a safety barrier you've put up in your mind, because you have low self-confidence. You've decided that any physically attractive woman is not worth your time, because you have a low opinion of yourself. If you actually go out there and talk to these "out of league" women, you may learn something. These women are human beings, just like you and me. The only thing that sets them different (according to you) is their sex, and their physical appearance.

I am one of those people that is always worried about others will think if I go up to them and just start talking.

Do you ever harshly judge people who approach you and start talking about the weather? Someone else on here said it best, "People aren't judging you because they're too busy judging themselves".

My friend does not go to bars, and none of my other acquaintances do either. They are all either married or in serious relationships already. That would mean I would have to go to a bar by myself and be somewhere I really don't want to be. I hate the smell of smoke and I don't drink, so the only reason I would want to go there would be to sing karaoke...I do enjoy singing, but that would be the only reason I'd go by myself.

If you spend your life waiting for other people, you're going to grow old and die. Focus mainly on going out and having fun. If you enjoy singing karaoke, by all means go for it! It's incredibly easy to make friends when you go out there and show the world your talent. There's also nothing wrong with going out solo. Nobody's going to wonder if you're a loser because they're too busy trying not to look like a loser themselves. If you go out with a positive attitude and focus on having a good time, you'll naturally attract people with your positive attitude.

Physical profile

Who cares? Women don't base their attraction solely on looks like men do. Women care more if a guy is fun and has a fantastic personality. They could care less what he looks like if he is confident, knows where he's going in his life, and is passionate about the things he enjoys.

1) Do I really have to lift to get decent looking women to notice me?

No. If you're going to get into lifing, do it because you enjoy it. Women could care less how your body looks if you can make them feel attraction toward you.

2) Since I don't like bars, where the heck am I supposed to go to meet girls?

Well, where do you usually see women? EVERYWHERE! They're in the grocery stores, working at Starbucks, shopping for clothes, basically anywhere in public. All you need to do is initiate the conversation in order to actually meet them.

3) I suppose I need to buy some more "trendy" clothes if I ever do go out somewhere

Says who? If you're comfortable with your current attire, then why change it? You don't need to impress anyone by being trendy. Being comfortable in your own skin is much better than being uncomfortable to gain others' approval.

It just seems like I have nowhere to go and no one to do it with even if I wanted to.

Many successful people in the world have done things solo. Other people have a tenancy to drag down those who want to be successful. If you do it solo, the only one holding you back is yourself.

I suggest you try doing the DJ Bootcamp to give you a bit of a head start.

 

[Duffty]

Originally posted by mb1978

1) Do I really have to lift to get decent looking women to notice me?

2) Since I don't like bars, where the heck am I supposed to go to meet girls?

3) I suppose I need to buy some more "trendy" clothes

I am now willing to change my lifestyle for the better, but it's really hard with the cards that have been dealt. It just seems like I have nowhere to go and no one to do it with even if I wanted to. I don't want to move because I do like the area and my job is stable and pretty easy. So after all that...anyone have some good advice? Thanks a lot.

I feel weird... it feel like I'm in the same boat as you but I keep finding excuses. I'm 26 worse than AFC, never had a GF.

Start improving yourself in small steps. Try not to beat yourself down, start now think about what you need to change.

Reply to Q1
looking tired,unhappy,over weight and sick/pale looking doesn't help attracting girl.
Improve your body shape and build muscles do help your confidence.

Reply to Q2
You have to goto places you feel comfortable. Bookstores, malls, movies,restaurant any place other than staying home.

Reply to Q3
You need to look clean and energetic. Look at what other men wear, and pick styles that suits you.

Man I can feel your problem, but the main thing is think about ways to change your situation.

 

[phoneproblems]

forget about women

fix yourself up first. get some new friends to do karaoke with. get some new clothes so you feel better. GET YOUR OWN PLACE so you don't have the low self esteem of living at home. and start talking to people more.

soon enough some women will show an interest. follow it up. don't be picky. take what you can get to start. and let them reject you, don't reject yourself first

but whatever you do don't let another minute pass w/o implementing a plan to improve yourself.

"the woman will come when the man is ready"

 

[ElChoclo]

Sounds like you are in a nasty position. You may as well just drop the I want, I don't want approach to life.

Life is like the stockmarket, it pretty well doesn't give a stuff about what you want. You won't put on any weight if you do weight training and run around a lot.

Being happy with your body image is fine, but how about showing a little kindness to those who have to see you naked. You have downgraded fat women but they are just a different side of the hypothalmus coin to you. So live and let live.

You should get some literature about men's clothing, and read up on it thoroughly. Maybe something by Carson. Those gays know their clothes. Overall you have to ditch the nutty professor look and be more Buddy Love.

This problem is going to cure itself. I suggest a martial arts course for you. There you will meet men with a dissimilar personality to your own. Befriend them and see if they can accompany you on your girl hunting missions.

Two introverts cannot help each other, it is the blind leading the blind.

 

[englishman]

At one time I couldnt drink so I got into dancing and you you know what they say "dancing leads to kissing and kissing leads to?" and it did, maybe try a drink? why not? also it sounds like you know what you need to do, beef up a bit, get some decent clothes and look good, think about your attitude to, u have to do some sh1t thats effort to get women or your just kidding yourself if your self assesment is correct you say that your not so good looking, skinny and not a lot of fun, turn the tables and youve got a fat women who dresses in sloppy clothes and prefers to sit and watch soaps while eating ice cream?
Best of luck ;-)

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Seems like you know what you need to improve on but are just lacking the proper motivation to do so. To answer your questions:

1) Do you have to work out?

You shouldn't work out to get girls to notice you, you should work out to feel good about yourself and take care of your health. The benefits are numerous, and women tend to notice a guy who is in shape more than someone's who's not. Working out raises testosterone levels, which will make you feel more confident and upbeat.

2) Where can you meet women?

EVERYWHERE! The problem is you lack the social skills to execute on a gameplan when you DO see a women your attracted to. Bars and clubs are a good place to meet girls who are out to be wild for the night, but there's no rule saying you cannot meet your gf in a bar. My best bud met a wonderful hottie at a bar. I've met numerous girls who have ended up being great people at bars. But since your not going to go there (big mistake in my opinion if you've been single your whole life) book stores, coffee shops, plays, school, shopping plazas are all places that women frequent.

3) About the not drinking.

The's very commendable and that's your choice but there's nothing wrong with having a few drinks on a night out on the town. It WILL loosen you up as you mentioned but its also about enjoying yourself. But you shouldn't have to drink to have a good time, I know it makes it 10x better though.

4) Clothing?

Dood are you seriously getting free t-shirts off the internet? C'mon bro your 27, that might have been ok when you were 15 but now you kinda need to get a sense of fashion.

5) About living at home.

Why do you still live at home? Are you working? If you are, you should look to find a roomate and move out . Who knows, he might know a bunch of people and he'll help you get in a new scene, with new friends.


In summary I really think you know what you have to do, but you just keep putting it off. For instance you know that your very skinny and you probably should put some effort into putting on some weight. Not to look like a bodybuilder, but just to look fit. Yet you haven't researched weight gain programs, and you continue to run excessively long distances. Running burns calories = skinny.

People that are successful in life grab their goals by the head and tackle them. They don't sit back and hope for something to happen. If your tired of your life the way it is, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

-buy new clothes
-get a haircut
-start a new workout program
-look into moving out
-make new friends
-go out 2-3x a week and get comfortable interacting with others


This site is a great reference for changing your life. Its so much more than just about women. Its a attitude adjustment. I really think you need to get YOURSELF straighten out first before you attempt to meet girls.




PIMP

 

[Skel]

I dont think you fully absorbed the Bible. I dont remember anything in the bible saying you have to be demeaning to women.

Also you repeat a lot of things that the bible teaches you about such as "out of my league". Its sometimes good to read things more than once to really understand them.

 

[mb1978]

I thank you all for the good suggestions.

I have done a lot of what Pimp-sicle suggested a few posts ago.

1) Last week I got my hair cut - it's the same one I have been getting for a while but a girl I know claims I look fine...I just have to get it re-cut every month or so instead of every 2-3 months!

2) Sunday I went clothes shopping with aforementioned girl, her fiancee, and my best friend. I found 8 nice shirts and a new pair of jeans. Total cost - $200 (big expenditure for me), but hopefully it will be worth it.

3) New workout program...well, I don't know if I will do that or not. I want to continue running since I want to get in better shape to run 5K's this summer. That will require me to run pretty much six days a week. I think I should be allowed to do what I want with my exercise routine...if girls don't like skinny me, f 'em! I suppose I could try to eat some more protein (like protein shakes or what-not) and maybe do some sit ups/push ups at night. Maybe that will get me a little more toned.

4) I have been looking to move out for a while now. I'm just pretty lazy on that front...basically I want to take over my friend's apartment when he leaves. It's very low cost for a very nice place and I want to capitalize on the opportunity. He is buying a house and should be out of there by the summer or maybe sooner.

5 & 6) The girl's fiancee is itching to help me right now, so he offered to go out with me a few times. Maybe during those outings we'll find some other guys/girls to mingle with and I can go from there.

I am actually trying to improve myself...it feels good to have a goal like that, so hopefully I am making the right steps for now. Thanks for the ideas once again.

 

[Warlord]

Originally posted by mb1978
I thank you all for the good suggestions.

I have done a lot of what Pimp-sicle suggested a few posts ago.

1) Last week I got my hair cut - it's the same one I have been getting for a while but a girl I know claims I look fine...I just have to get it re-cut every month or so instead of every 2-3 months!

2) Sunday I went clothes shopping with aforementioned girl, her fiancee, and my best friend. I found 8 nice shirts and a new pair of jeans. Total cost - $200 (big expenditure for me), but hopefully it will be worth it.

3) New workout program...well, I don't know if I will do that or not. I want to continue running since I want to get in better shape to run 5K's this summer. That will require me to run pretty much six days a week. I think I should be allowed to do what I want with my exercise routine...if girls don't like skinny me, f 'em! I suppose I could try to eat some more protein (like protein shakes or what-not) and maybe do some sit ups/push ups at night. Maybe that will get me a little more toned.

4) I have been looking to move out for a while now. I'm just pretty lazy on that front...basically I want to take over my friend's apartment when he leaves. It's very low cost for a very nice place and I want to capitalize on the opportunity. He is buying a house and should be out of there by the summer or maybe sooner.

5 & 6) The girl's fiancee is itching to help me right now, so he offered to go out with me a few times. Maybe during those outings we'll find some other guys/girls to mingle with and I can go from there.

I am actually trying to improve myself...it feels good to have a goal like that, so hopefully I am making the right steps for now. Thanks for the ideas once again.

:rockon: :rockon: :rockon: