26, lonely, confused

[loveprefect]

Never before had i thought i will need to post in mature man forum. Just need to get this out of my system and I hope fellow mature members could lend a helping hand .

a little background info on myself. Capricorn, shy, introvert, never been in a long term relationship. Just turned 26 this year, having a good job with above average pay compared to people my age. I considered myself as good looking, slightly below average height basically a loner (which others might perceived me as independent)

i am working in a city hundreds of miles from home. in the workplace, i have always been carrying the flirty attitude with female colleagues and everyone is thinking I am a player. the truth is, i am having virtually no social circle at the moment, hanging out with my flat mate sometimes (who is also a loner at 25 years old). my only other friends outside of the workplace in the city are a bunch of nerds which i have known forever since highschool.

it is almost impossible to meet anyone outside of the workplace with my extreme limited social activities. i did have a couple of flings with the girls in my office but other than that, nothing. I am not into clubbing or pubs, I am not involved in sports and I am not part of any community, church groups. nothing. my life revolves around, work, sleep, eat and excrete.

any mature man facing the same issue? please help me get out of the rut and escape from this vicious cycle.

 

[Maxtro]

Though it doesn't help your cause, I'm in exactly the same situation. I'm trying to find a way to escape the trap. One thing that I can suggest is trying to locate and join a lair in your area. I'm in the Casanova Crew which is a fairly active SoCal lair. But it's up to me to get more involved.

 

[Ryoku]

LP,

Your unwillingness to expand your comfort zone is what is holding you back. How can you expect to meet new people and develop a social circle at work and home? Really?

Start here

 

[GQ_Confidence_1]

What are your long term goals?

What do you want to be able to look back on, when, say, you're 35?

I think 26 is still young, very young. We all think that we're "old", but really, 45-60 with grey hair and a pot belly is old. Under 40 isnt old anymore.

What about, like bookstores, panera bread, starbucks, etc. You dont have to necessarily sarge, or pick up, but if you become a regular somewhere, you'll be known, you'll know some regulars.

Have to expand your circle somehow. But you might be suprised where you can meet people.

A few years ago I belonged to the group Toastmasters, the public speaking group. Didnt think much of it going in, but I met some nice people. There were holiday parties, halloween parties, got invited to a birthday party (by a hot, social 30's woman). Then, you meet people there, I dont know. But I think its important to be prepared...you never know when you'll meet someone.

 

[The Bat]

LP,

Your unwillingness to expand your comfort zone is what is holding you back. How can you expect to meet new people and develop a social circle at work and home? Really?

Start here

Good advice. Although I'm not sure why this poster was banned...

Anyway, you need to develop some hobbies. If you already have hobbies, then find a way to hook up with people who share the same type of hobbies.

Internet is the greatest resource of our times. From here, you can probably find local groups or websites where people who are into the same things you are frequent. Make some friends, meet up with them, and go from there.

Your self-limiting attitude will only hold you back if you let it. Grab life by the horns and shake things up!

 

[Interceptor]

loveprefect,
you appear to have a lack of a Mission in life.
You seem to lack that spark and passion.
You wont be very succesful with women if you are in that kind of position.

Since you state that you dont have anything going on outside of work, theres a serious lack of hobbies , passions, pursuits, interests, etc...
That is actually quite harmful.
Its simply not healthy.

You will have to use this time to find out what you desire in life. Find out what you DO have a passion for.
What do you want to accomplish with your life??

You will be forced to look at what you have created and decide if youre truly happy and content with it or not.

That responsibility lies with you.

And having a GF or an ONS does not solve your deeper issues, nor does it solve your external manifestation of your Life.

Your lifestyle needs to be reevaluated.
And you need to get clear about how your quality of life really is.
Time to get honest.
And if that means that YOU have to be the one to be more outgoing, then that is what you will have to do.
Maybe youre very shy and you dont want to put yourself out there, but then you have to be honest and look at what being shy has gotten you so far.

All men pretty much have to face this at some point or another.

And yes, it IS a big step for a lot of men.
But most of the time people will NOT come to you. They will not bang down your door to meet you.
You have to go out and meet them.
This means that your personality has to shift to a more outgoing person.
And to go out and participate in things that may feel alien to you.
But again, look at what you have now. Are you happy?
Then use that to motivate yourself for change.This is an important lesson to learn.

I hope this helps.
Good luck.

 

[Maxtro]

*Maxtro runs in, jumps in the air knocking loveprefect out of the way, interception!

"I'll take this advice."

 

[GuanYu]

Getting out is definitely something I need to do more of as well. I'm pretty confident and have good success when it comes to women, but I don't have many male buddies that I can chill with, watch the game, etc...I know plenty from work and school but whenever I try to set something up they're not up for it even though we get along well.

Anyone in this kind of situation? There's not much to do in my area as far as activities so I was thinking maybe start going to local pool hall and bars more often to possibly get a crew together? Sometimes I just think other dudes don't want to hang because they're jealous.

 

[Interceptor]

Many men dont want to hang out because of their self awareness of their faults, frailties, weakness, and insecurities. They dont want other people to see them. They dont want to be 'vulnerable'.
Pure and simple.

We test each other and find out what each others' weakness are. Its a primal trait we have. And we know for a fact that women test men to see if they are congruent and genuine. And they test your character all the time.
It can be draining sometimes. But it's a skill we must learn. To be strong and congruent with our higher values under pressure.
Many people crack under pressure.
Our mission is to learn how not to crack.



We as grown men must get over that sh*t and get to a certain point in life where that stuff doesnt reach us anymore. Very important.

This is why genuine 'FRIENDS' are not that common.
We think that if we have a big social circle we automatically have a huge collection of friends. All our problems solved. Not true.
Acquaintances are not friends.


Be aware of the other men and how they react to you.

And be willing to be confident and self assured in yourself to not be afraid of your weakness as much as possible. In as many instance as you can.
We all have to learn to keep pushing the boundaries, the comfort zone.
Its not easy. And there are way too many things against us, but it must be done. A little at a time. Most people wont understand you, but we need to be prepared for that, and its OK.

Continue to be yourself in front of everyone.
THAT is your best self.
Ultimately, it just is.
Work on that. Honestly.

You will draw other men like you. And they will be your companions in this mission often enough. Better to have only a handful of men who truly appreciate and respect you and have your back , than a hundred who dont give two sh*ts about you and leave you high and dry at the end of the day....

 

[Colossus]

loveprefect-

Sadly I can relate to your predicament. I think this is a common place introverted guys find themselves in, and it's a subtle process. Before you know it you look around and have no solid group of buddies, no extracurriculars, and no options on a friday night. Some things are circumstantial, but you have to realize the primary reason you are in this spot today is because of a lack of action on your part. That old saying is true: If you do what you've always done (nothing), you'll get what you've always got (nothing).

As for actual advice on how to get out of this, you're going to have to get involved with something. Some kind of club, group, or local meeting that will get your as$ out of the house and meeting some people. I know it's uncomfortable as introvert to meet new people, but you just have to do it. Trying and failing is better than sitting at home jerking off.

Start by joining one thing. Like a sports club, a rec league, dance lessons, whatever---and GO to it, every week. You'll notice a big difference in your zest for life.

 

[squirrels]

Like Colossus said, find SOMETHING to do with yourself. Not to attract women, just to get you out of the house and get your soul in gear.

As far as women are concerned, apparently MySpace is a gold-mine for even introverted people. I have a friend who's not very good-looking, angry at the world, and has had two fiancees who dumped him...and lately he's been pulling all KINDS of arse off of MySpace. GOOD looking women, too. Like anywhere, you'll have to pick through 10s of them before you can find one you can date regularly, but it honestly beats going to bars. Most bars I go to now, girls either roll in packs or go out with their boyfriends...it's not as much of a singles-scene as it used to be and it's hard to play without a wing.

 

[loveprefect]

This is why I like this forum so much. Fellow members will try their best to help out total strangers on the internet.:rockon:

a year has passed. I am now 27. Another 2+ years to 30.

My situation hasn't changed much. I am still in the same company, still single, still enjoying the relatively high pay but my life is STILL THE SAME!

I do not have any close friends. ZERO. I am sad to say that if I am not with my family, other than the 'official' office birthday celebration, no one else is celebrating my birthday with me!

I am not living my life. If I get married, I wont know who to invite to my wedding, if I died tommorow, I wont know how many will actually attend my funeral!

It is time to do something drastic now!
any further advice are welcome, also I would appreciate some motivational success stories. Share with me on your transformation.

 

[Maxtro]

Wow, I wish I had a story to share and to help motivate you. The only thing I've managed to do in the past year was to find yet another way to fail with a girl.

 

[loveprefect]

Wow, I wish I had a story to share and to help motivate you. The only thing I've managed to do in the past year was to find yet another way to fail with a girl.

hello Maxtro, great to know that you are still active in this forum. :wave:

I have been reading some old threads, came across this:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=50381

I read it 6 years ago when I was just 21. Time really flies but I would never imagine myself going through this.

 

[synergy1]

This is why I like this forum so much. Fellow members will try their best to help out total strangers on the internet.:rockon:

a year has passed. I am now 27. Another 2+ years to 30.

My situation hasn't changed much. I am still in the same company, still single, still enjoying the relatively high pay but my life is STILL THE SAME!

I do not have any close friends. ZERO. I am sad to say that if I am not with my family, other than the 'official' office birthday celebration, no one else is celebrating my birthday with me!

I am not living my life. If I get married, I wont know who to invite to my wedding, if I died tommorow, I wont know how many will actually attend my funeral!

It is time to do something drastic now!
any further advice are welcome, also I would appreciate some motivational success stories. Share with me on your transformation.

collosus posted a good piece of advice, and that is to join a rec league in something you enjoy doing. Are you into any sort of team sports? When I was in boston, I got invited to pick up games via a program called "sportsvite". Its really easy to find people for just about anything you can think of.

I am personally going through the same sort of thing having moved 6 months ago. Been going to spin classes and been even getting invites to do weekend rides. Also put my name out there and got picked up for ice hockey league come august and plan to try and organize street hockey in the locality. Who even knows if it'll work, but its what I love to do and something I hope I can make friends with. My passion is contagious; you should see the swath of friends I leave behind - all of whom are diehard fans. alas I digress

The above example is as real as it gets brotha. You gotta follow in suit and take some action. There are so many resources to make anything happen, its just a matter of putting in that effort and getting WORK DONE! Tap into your passions and make that shiat happen.

To name a few:

Craigslist
Local Web pages (your town, rec centers etc)
Sportsvite
Facebook groups

 

[Jeffst1980]

Loveperfect-

What city are you in?? Odds are, there's others in this forum that live near you--why not contact them and get some help in building a social circle?

If the women you work with consider you a "player," your body language/ subcommunications are in the right place. That means that NOTHING is keeping you from having the life you want to live. Well, nothing except you, that is.

It sounds like you would rather wallow in misery than step out of your comfort zone, since this situation has been going on for a full year. 26 is still young--most guys don't figure this stuff out till later, if at all--but you are establishing a pattern that is going to be VERY difficult to break out of if you don't start taking chances.

The reason I suggest meeting up with someone from this board is because your current friends are going to be of absolutely no help to you in this endeavor. You need someone to actually FORCE you to go out and have fun, at least at first.

We humans like to pride ourselves on our rational decision making abilities, but the truth is that we don't have that much capacity to actually change ourselves on our own. Reading this forum and analyzing situations instead of taking action will only ensure that you continue down your current path.

 

[Miles28]

Very good and positive replies on this thread.

This isn't advice but I wanted to make one observation. These kinds of threads are quite common and what strikes me is that, contrary to the usual recriminations for the OP not doing enough to 'get out there' (which may well be justified) actually posters like the OP do have that spark where they want life to be more than it is, which I think is really life affirming.

What disturbs me is the number of my friends who are in mediocre relationships (by their own admission) but seem totally content not to get out there and do things. I think all life needs is a few good friends who are always 'Yes' sayers. Always up for doing things, going places, meeting women, etc.... but damn it seems hard to find those sorts of people.

I have a decent number of girls on the go and a decent social circle but I get massively p**sed off at how unenthusiastic many of my 'friends' are when it actually comes to doing stuff. I think a lot of these guys are insecure and won't put the effort and possible hurt that is involved in going out and meeting girls and so instead they just settle for the first girl that comes along.

I think generally the guys on this forum who post about lack of social circle, etc are in fact really up for getting out there and doing stuff but sometimes those surrounding them aren't at all (but are almost like human drones who don't mind the routine of work, sleep, eat, etc) and so it IS difficult to improve things.

Life would be a lot more fun if people were just more enthusiastic and committed to getting out there and having adventures.

 

[DonutMan]

Yea, I'm curious what city you are in? I am in NYC having moved hear 2 years ago. Cities are fascinating because although you can be surrounded by thousands or millions of people they can still be very lonely. In my opinion it's easier to have close friendships in the suburbs and small cities. I have found that here my problem is that all of my friends are scattered all over and even though they may only be a few miles away using mass transit could take an hour to see them. Hence it makes it often makes it difficult to see your friends. I came here for grad school so I was able to make a number of good friends there. Try going out to lunch with people you work with then going from there. If you make some friends at work then you can maybe meet their friends and keep branching out. Now that I am about to be done with school and will have some more free time I am going to start taking some art classes, or join a sports team to meet some people that way.

 

[Alter Ego]

I'm in the same boat as the OP. I made few friends, burned all my bridges, and only developed solitary interests. I got stuck in a vicious circle. As another poster suggested, this vicious circle creeps up on you, and before you know it, you feel trapped in it.

Spin classes are good because you can go to them without looking like you're just there to pick up women. In my neck of the woods, there's a spin class that is a notorious cougar hangout. Unfortunately, some jerk I know goes there, and I don't want to cross paths with him. :cuss:

 

[loveprefect]

synergy1 - I am not good in sports, even worse in any of the team sports. I am never a team player, and lately my stamina is going downhill probably due to aging and smoking (1 pack a day)

Jeffst1980 - Really well written solid advice. For some reason you seem to understand me, or my kind of personality very well. Thank you and I hope for your continue support .

Miles28 - I am a solitary kind of person (trying to change that now), been practicing the 'human drone' routine ever since my very first job. When I was younger, I don't really mind the routine. End of the month, I will receive a nice fat paycheck and indulge myself with whatever material items money can buy. (watches and statues collection)..
I will need to learn and be the 'Yes' sayer.

DonutMan - "Cities are fascinating because although you can be surrounded by thousands or millions of people they can still be very lonely." - really well put. The bigger the city, the more lonely it gets. Just look at any of the mass transit system, people are trying hard to avoid eye contact. And a high probability you wont even know the names and contact numbers of your apartment neighbors.

*by the way, I am not from any cities of the western world. I am an insignificant soul amongst the hundreds of millions of city dwellers in the far east.

Alter Ego - I dont really burn my bridges, just never bother to maintain them. Often times, I will turn down invitation to social activities due to laziness/reluctance to socialize. By the time I know it, other than work related issues, other than my mother, no one else bother to call me anymore!

starting this month I will build some new bridges. Just joined a local yoga club.. and all of my classmates are females!