1. Why do you all wish we were more like Brad Pitt?
I don't get all the obsession with Brad Pitt. He doesn't do anything for me. Jean Claude Van Damme, on the other hand...well...any guy with an arse like that who can jump up and do the splits is OK by me.
2. Do you or don’t you want us to open the door for you? Just let us know, and that's what we'll do.
If it makes you feel all gentlemanly and such, then open the door. I don't need you to do it, though, but if we're in a social situation where it's appropriate for you to open the door, then yes, you should do it.
3. Why do you look so cute in pigtails?
Because you have feverishly masturbated to one too many Britney Spears videos, and can't get the "Catholic School Girl" fantasy out of your head.
4. Why the fascination with Harrison Ford? He’s old enough to be your father, for God's sake?
Harrison Ford? EWWWWW!
5. When you ask "Does this look okay?" do you want honesty or support? We can do both.
That's a loaded "trick" question with no right answer. It is a method PMSing women use as an excuse to let out her hormonal aggression at the nearest convenient target...which happens to be you if you answer this question. Respond with "I don't know. What do YOU think?"
6. How can you complain endlessly about having "so much work to do" and then find the time to go shopping or talk to someone on the phone for two hours?
Um...because we will jump at any opportunity to put off doing the work, silly!
7. Why is every anniversary such a big thing to you? Not yearly anniversaries; things like 'our first date' or 'our first kiss' or 'our first really good kiss'?
Because we KNOW you won't remember, which will give us an opportunity to be offended and hurt and make you feel guilty. If we do this well we get gifts and attention.
8. Do you think I'm better looking than Vernon Kay?
Who the hell is that?
9. How is it that you always-always-always remember little things like the anniversary of your cousin Jane's dog's operation?
It's good practice for the tactic explained in #7.
10. Why do you always ask us questions when you already know the answers?
Because you're all uncommunicative b@stards and this is annoying enough to actually get a response that leads to a lengthy frustrated exchange of dialogue.
11. How can you always be up for going shopping?
Because we snuck your credit card out of your wallet when you fell asleep on the couch watching some dumb dude movie.
12. Chest hair — good or bad?
Good in moderate amounts. If it trails up over your shoulders, down your back and the crack of your a$$, it's bad.
13. Boxers or briefs? Be honest.
Nut huggers are DISGUSTING. Whitie Tighties look like panties. Boxers are sexy.
14. Why do you find it endearing when a guy's in love and won't take no for an answer in the movies, but in real life you call it stalking?
Because the guy in the movie is always good looking and the guys who "stalk" typically aren't.
15. Why is it so easy for you to stop and ask directions?
Because someone has to at least TRY to set a good example for men about what to do when you're HOPELESSLY LOST!
16. Why do women complain endlessly about their mothers but end up talking to them for hours on end?
Because they don't want their mother complaining about them.
17. Why do you always go to the toilet in groups?
That's where we congregate to make sure we all follow the behaviors on this list. It's an evil plot.
18. Facial hair; good or bad?
Goatee...good, Santa Claus meets ZZ top...bad.
19. Looks or money?
Both!
20. When you ask, "If I died, would you remarry?" what exactly are you looking for?
Another reason to act angry and get gifts!
21. If I died, would you remarry?
Of course!
22. Does your dad like me? No, seriously.
Yes...because now YOU have to support me instead of him. I'm very expensive!
23. How do you mange to be so cute, charming, silly, frustrating, beautiful, mysterious, complicated, simple and unbelievably interesting? Honestly.
Because we have boobs and a vagina. You are so horny that you would say the same thing about a rock if you could screw it.
24. How do you innately seem to know what can or can’t go in the dryer?
Because we're always stuck doing all the laundry!
Okay...I don't really believe all this crap (except for Jean Claude!), and I was being sarcastic, but hopefully it will make someone laugh.
