24 and Never Had a Girlfriend

[spinaroonie]

(Mods, please keep this in the MM forum.)

I’m 24, about a week away from my 25th birthday, and I’ve never had a girlfriend.

That’s not to say I’ve never had sex. I did, with 4 different girls – all this year, all one-night stands. The confidence and validation I’ve gained from this has been huge – I know that I’m not so repulsive.

I grew up in a conservative immigrant household with old world values. As a teen my mom once threatened to cut off my tongue if I’d ever told her I was in love with a girl. This admittedly scarred my interactions with the opposite sex; in fact I probably went through all of high school without ever initiating a real conversation with a girl. Not that it mattered, I was a skinny little runt, girls didn’t pay much attention to me, and I was so focused on being the top of my class that I paid no attention to them.

Going away to university wasn’t much better. I majored in math and befriended some guys who were equally hapless with women. Birds of a feather do flock together. Drunken misadventures and some good memories for sure, but 4+ years on campus without so much as a kiss.

It was in my last year of university that I stumbled upon PUA. Fascinated by the stories of once-hapless guys who’d transformed themselves into suave ladies men, I devoured this material with a vengeance, to the point where I’d internalized the knowledge and pretty much taught myself how to be alpha. It was only at 23 that I had my very first kiss, with a girl I’d met on an online dating site. This year I moved back to my college town for a new job and moved out into my own apartment. I had my very first lay in April – at 24. And have had 3 more lays since. All one-nighters (though one came back for a second romp).

I know now that I’m not so repulsive towards women. No longer am I wracked by the insecurity of carrying the virgin stigma. And yes, to some extent I should be proud. A lot of guys don’t go through life having slept with four women.

I like to think I have everything else in life handled. At 24, I have a degree, a professional career in finance. I have my own place, my own car. I published a magazine for a community organization at which I volunteer, to much accolade. My finances are in decent order. Yet I can’t help but feel there’s something big missing in my life. There’s a certain all-pervasive emptiness, a void. When I come home from white-collar drudgery and retreat to my humble abode, and as I lie splayed out on my queen-sized bed, I can’t help but feel alone and empty, especially in these cold, dark winter months.

The pangs of loneliness hit hard. Even going to the mall or the movies and seeing all the happy young couples hurts. Or when logging on to Facebook, and seeing uglier, less accomplished guys with pretty young things. It fills me with self-loathing and resentment. I can’t help but wonder W-T-F is wrong with me? These are my prime poon years, and here I am sitting alone, pontificating on internet forums.

I feel that I’ve finally grown into my own. I know who I am, I know what I’m capable of, I like to think I carry myself with a quiet grace and confidence – undoubtedly abetted by my recent success. I see women and men checking me out, giving me extended eye contact. I work out. I know I’m a pretty good-looking guy. And when I’m not so paralyzed by neurosis, I can be witty and charming. I rarely get turned down for a number in a club.

But I still have all this baggage. To this day I still harbour some resentment to my parents – to my mother for being so overbearing and not understanding of the cultural mores of this society, to my dad for being weak and ineffectual. I hate having been born into a culture so incompatible, to parents that just don’t understand. I hate having to keep a big part of my life hidden. I sometimes think of the person I could have been if I didn’t have these influences holding me back all these years, or had been raised in a different environment. I hate that so much of my youth was spent alone when I had the potential to be so much better so much earlier in life. I regret having missed out on so much.

I’m still trying to let go. I'm just sick of going through life all alone. I guess ultimately what I want is an antidote for this loneliness. That special someone who’ll care for me, care about me, dote on me, ask me how my day want. Someone with whom I can reciprocate in kind. Someone who I can share life with. The steady poon is only a fringe benefit.

I think there’s a primal human desire to feel love and be loved. But sometimes I question whether I’ll every truly love again. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that heart-fluttering guppy love/crush of my early teens, knowing what I know now about the raw nature of what drives female attraction. Even with my four lays this year, I don’t think I ever truly harboured any affection towards any of them, and I can’t help but feel that there’s a big part of me that’s missing. Perhaps not having been loved or been in love for 24 years has made me cold, indifferent, aloof. And having missed out on the glory of innocent love in my youth, and having now internalized all this knowledge about the base nature of women and used it to effect, it all seems so mechanical and trite to me. This is not how it should be.

Will I ever find true love or am I scarred for life?

 

[Jamo]

Well throughout my schooling years I was probably as bad as you with women. My luck changed in college. Since then I have been through 16 women, which of those 2 were LTRs (4 years total). Today I sit here and ask myself the same question as you do.

Those LTRs really disillusioned me, and today when I try and envision true love I am reminded of the fairy tales that I used to read as a child. Look at your parents, do you find them to live this fantasy of "true love"? Mine have been together now for more than 35 years, and I can tell you it is hard work for them quite often. They get along, and that in itself is a huge achievement - but a far cry from the ideal. I guess they give each other security, and maybe that is part of the primal need which you are talking about. That bright/exciting love is just a fleeting moment.

Going back to your question, I think your eyes have opened. Reality for the most part is a stinker -banal, basic, you VS the world. 90% of it is not worth it, but that 10% is what we live for. You have to make sure you don't miss out on that 10%.

 

[Jitterbug]

I have the same background as you. I stopped blaming my parents for it (they were not as strict as yours though). They are products of a very different time.

I’m still trying to let go. I'm just sick of going through life all alone. I guess ultimately what I want is an antidote for this loneliness. That special someone who’ll care for me, care about me, dote on me, ask me how my day want. Someone with whom I can reciprocate in kind. Someone who I can share life with. The steady poon is only a fringe benefit.

Don't be so eager to get a GF. Your cure for that is not a relationship with a woman. It's to take better care of yourself, to stand strong on your own and to have supportive friends and family. A girlfriend won't do those for you. Especially not at your age. Eventually you'll find that such expectations of a girlfriend are rather amusing.

 

[squirrels]

Dude, I was a VIRGIN until I was 23.

I think your problem is that you're still trying to figure out what the "right" or "popular" thing to do is. You've got the job, you've got the muscles, you've got the moves...now you want to "get the girl", because that's what you're SUPPOSED to be doing, isn't it??

To hell with that noise, buddy. Why are you sitting in the movie theaters and on FaceBook stressing over what other people are doing?? Find yourself something fun and adventurous to do. Find a passion, something you get excited at the prospect of doing.

And find yourself some FRIENDS, people who are on "your level" who you can talk to and share some good times with.

I'll tell you honestly...if you're a smart, self-made kid, you are going to have a HARD time satisfying your need for companionship through a woman. It's going to take a WHILE for you to find one that meets that need...and if you settle for something less, eventually, you'll be lonely again. Only you'll be emotionally dependent on a woman. The house you build for yourself becomes your cage.

Don't WORRY about what other people are doing. I see them where I am, too...they all act so HAPPY that they've found SOMEONE to hug up on all the time. From my perspective, all I see that doing is precluding them from doing the REALLY fun things in life. Can't do xxx, gotta spend time with the girl. WTF??

When I was seriously dating 2 years or so ago...I had a bunch of girls who wanted to be "in a relationship" after 2 or 3 dates and went INSANE when they didn't get their way. I'd thought I'd found women that *I* wanted to be with, I went insane, and I lost them.

There are a LOT of girls you can DATE or F**K, but not a lot of girls you can be with in the 'long term'. Simple people are compatible with other simple people...that's why so many of them are in relationships. They're not evolved enough to consider the world outside of the breeding-program. Complicated people...well, they're not compatible with all other complicated people, because the complications vary.

All you can do is PLAY THE FIELD. Meet as many women as you can. Give them a shot...date them a couple of times and see if you can find common ground. See how they make you feel. It'll take a while, but don't let that discourage you. The worst that happens is you die single...which is not as good as dying with someone who's special, but is worlds better than dying with someone who ISN'T.

Good luck, man.

 

[Boilermaker]

^^^^

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to squirrels again.

 

[Jamo]

Listen to Squirrels..he seems to be Mr. Motivation

 

[heroshima]

Don't let your mother smother you. Work on this. It is haunting you now and will continue to haunt you.

While my situation was different from your's, my mother was too much of a friend to me during my teen years. During that time she was in the process of separating from my father and she really clung on to me for emotional support.

That prevented me from creating deep relationships with women at that time. I wish I had known early on how the relationship with my mother would affect me and worked harder to break away from it earlier.

What she has done isn't fair to you. You deserve to have relationships with women the way YOU want them.

 

[heroshima]

One other observation:

I’m still trying to let go. I'm just sick of going through life all alone. I guess ultimately what I want is an antidote for this loneliness. That special someone who’ll care for me, care about me, dote on me, ask me how my day want. Someone with whom I can reciprocate in kind. Someone who I can share life with. The steady poon is only a fringe benefit.

It sounds to me like you are trying to replace the feeling that your mother gave you. Think very carefully about why you want that.

Don't look for a woman to replace your mother. You'll still be in the same pattern.

 

[Colossus]

spinaroonie-

Not surprisingly you will find a lot of guys who can relate to you on this matter on an internet forum.

I was also horrible with women until age 20 or so; and even after that for several years. I've laid a lot of women, and a had a couple LTRs, but I still have the same feelings as you sometimes. I guess the difference is my perspective has changed.

Everyone needs human affection and relationship, and it's only natural to feel the pains of loneliness when there is a deficit in this area. But, the mental mistake a lot of lonely guys (and girls) make is thinking of a relationship as a goal state in life. "When I get here...." or when I meet this awesome ideal girl I've been imagining...." There is no such place as goal-state nirvana. It does not exist. This fantasy of perpetual true love wherein both people love each other with equal intensity and completely meet each others needs is just that---a fantasy. Our thoughts are heavily influenced by movies, stories, and anecdotes. We often see what we want to see, and we produce this movie in our minds of what things should turn out like to be truly happy. Well, as you probably know, nothing ever turns out the way you think it will. Ever. And this is doubly true for relationships.

Once I lived through a couple relationships I learned that women are flawed and prone to selfish error just like me. The other thing I learned is that relationships are transient. They will ALL pass. This is very hard to accept, but they all run their course in some way or another. I'm not trying to get all morose on you here, but I guess what I want you to get is to not treat a relationship---or hope of a relationship---as a point of arrival or destination. You'll learn that you cant rely on women for happiness. I'm not saying it's not possible to have a really satisfying thing with a girl, but you will get just as much if not more from your friends, hobbies, and pursuits. It's kind of anti-climactic but also freeing when you realize this. So when one comes, enjoy it for what it is and what it will teach you about yourself. Always put your dignity and self-respect first, even at the cost of maybe being lonely. It will be easier on your psyche than getting your heart shat on by staying in a disrespectful relationship.

 

[Paintballguy]

Congratulations! Put it off until you're in your 30s. Having a girlfriend is overrated.

This can't be stated enough. Way back in my AFC days, I was so hung up on getting a girlfriend. I thought once I got a girlfriend, all my problems would vanish because it would be so awesome being in a relationship with some chick. Then, I got in a LTR and realized how much of a pain in the ass it is. Don't worry about being single. There is nothing wrong with it. Focus on yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

 

[nismo-4]

This can't be stated enough. Way back in my AFC days, I was so hung up on getting a girlfriend. I thought once I got a girlfriend, all my problems would vanish because it would be so awesome being in a relationship with some chick. Then, I got in a LTR and realized how much of a pain in the ass it is. Don't worry about being single. There is nothing wrong with it. Focus on yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

Most guys get in (or try to) relationships because in most places, if you don't have a girlfriend, you'll be the laughing stock of the workplace. Happened to me. Having a girlfriend typically grants you immunity to ridicule from other guys and gets you more female attention. It also makes you appear to be a more desirable male. But having a girlfriend is like owning a car.

 

[nismo-4]

Judge nismo definitely has to put his 2 cents here!

(Mods, please keep this in the MM forum.)

I’m 24, about a week away from my 25th birthday, and I’ve never had a girlfriend.

There are 40 year old virgins. Are guys around you making fun of you for this?

That’s not to say I’ve never had sex. I did, with 4 different girls – all this year, all one-night stands. The confidence and validation I’ve gained from this has been huge – I know that I’m not so repulsive.

Sometimes you get lucky. They say there's no better medicine than a woman's love. I guess that's true. No wonder why women are so overpriced.

I grew up in a conservative immigrant household with old world values. As a teen my mom once threatened to cut off my tongue if I’d ever told her I was in love with a girl. This admittedly scarred my interactions with the opposite sex; in fact I probably went through all of high school without ever initiating a real conversation with a girl. Not that it mattered, I was a skinny little runt, girls didn’t pay much attention to me, and I was so focused on being the top of my class that I paid no attention to them.

That's what usually happens! The guys at the top of the academics are those who get or have gotten the least love. I was one of these guys.

Going away to university wasn’t much better. I majored in math and befriended some guys who were equally hapless with women. Birds of a feather do flock together. Drunken misadventures and some good memories for sure, but 4+ years on campus without so much as a kiss.

The saying "There's somebody for everybody" is total bulls**t. It's like you have to be desirable to get women. I pimped my ride and became popular by rapping. This made women want to date me and be around me more, the same women on campus who wouldn't give me the time of day in a clock shop.

It was in my last year of university that I stumbled upon PUA. Fascinated by the stories of once-hapless guys who’d transformed themselves into suave ladies men, I devoured this material with a vengeance, to the point where I’d internalized the knowledge and pretty much taught myself how to be alpha. It was only at 23 that I had my very first kiss, with a girl I’d met on an online dating site. This year I moved back to my college town for a new job and moved out into my own apartment. I had my very first lay in April – at 24. And have had 3 more lays since. All one-nighters (though one came back for a second romp).

There is an element of luck in the dating game, but these stories of average guys landing beautiful girls usually prey on insecure men by giving false hope (They also say looks don't matter) to other men to sell a PUA guide. The sad thing is that this market is so damn saturated with this and the number of men doing this sh*t keeps growing. In the process, women are well aware of this, and know the game even better. For the average joe, the odds aren't stacked in his favor.

I know now that I’m not so repulsive towards women. No longer am I wracked by the insecurity of carrying the virgin stigma. And yes, to some extent I should be proud. A lot of guys don’t go through life having slept with four women.

You should be proud to no longer be a virgin! You're that much more desirable!

I like to think I have everything else in life handled. At 24, I have a degree, a professional career in finance. I have my own place, my own car. I published a magazine for a community organization at which I volunteer, to much accolade. My finances are in decent order. Yet I can’t help but feel there’s something big missing in my life. There’s a certain all-pervasive emptiness, a void. When I come home from white-collar drudgery and retreat to my humble abode, and as I lie splayed out on my queen-sized bed, I can’t help but feel alone and empty, especially in these cold, dark winter months.

On the bright side, your riches keep growing, and you don't have to finance a girl. They never teach the costs of having a woman in any finance class. Usually the men who are financially successful have had the least amount of girlfriends. Then these same men get pursued by gold digging women and don't trust a lot of females to get near them. I knew a guy when I was in New Jersey who was like this. But he knew all those women were trying to get knocked up by him and get some money. Money does attract women and grants you choosing power.

The pangs of loneliness hit hard. Even going to the mall or the movies and seeing all the happy young couples hurts. Or when logging on to Facebook, and seeing uglier, less accomplished guys with pretty young things. It fills me with self-loathing and resentment. I can’t help but wonder W-T-F is wrong with me? These are my prime poon years, and here I am sitting alone, pontificating on internet forums.

I'm working on my riches and I don't worry much about women. In the malls some of these couples might be a mother-son, brother-sister, or something like that. I don't pay any attention to that sh*t. I just go in there to do what I need to do, buy what I need to buy, and get the f**k out of there. I don't bother approaching women in there. Women these days go for the boys with the most toys.

I feel that I’ve finally grown into my own. I know who I am, I know what I’m capable of, I like to think I carry myself with a quiet grace and confidence – undoubtedly abetted by my recent success. I see women and men checking me out, giving me extended eye contact. I work out. I know I’m a pretty good-looking guy. And when I’m not so paralyzed by neurosis, I can be witty and charming. I rarely get turned down for a number in a club.

You should be able to get laid far more and much easier. Keeping a woman is a totally different story.

But I still have all this baggage. To this day I still harbour some resentment to my parents – to my mother for being so overbearing and not understanding of the cultural mores of this society, to my dad for being weak and ineffectual. I hate having been born into a culture so incompatible, to parents that just don’t understand. I hate having to keep a big part of my life hidden. I sometimes think of the person I could have been if I didn’t have these influences holding me back all these years, or had been raised in a different environment. I hate that so much of my youth was spent alone when I had the potential to be so much better so much earlier in life. I regret having missed out on so much.

There are women who will love you for who you are. Finding them is

I’m still trying to let go. I'm just sick of going through life all alone. I guess ultimately what I want is an antidote for this loneliness. That special someone who’ll care for me, care about me, dote on me, ask me how my day want. Someone with whom I can reciprocate in kind. Someone who I can share life with. The steady poon is only a fringe benefit.

A woman's love. Ain't nothing like it.

I think there’s a primal human desire to feel love and be loved. But sometimes I question whether I’ll every truly love again. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that heart-fluttering guppy love/crush of my early teens, knowing what I know now about the raw nature of what drives female attraction. Even with my four lays this year, I don’t think I ever truly harboured any affection towards any of them, and I can’t help but feel that there’s a big part of me that’s missing. Perhaps not having been loved or been in love for 24 years has made me cold, indifferent, aloof. And having missed out on the glory of innocent love in my youth, and having now internalized all this knowledge about the base nature of women and used it to effect, it all seems so mechanical and trite to me. This is not how it should be.

It's just your upbringing. You can change this. And only you.

Will I ever find true love or am I scarred for life?

Only you can decide that.

Read betwe- Good luck with your search.

Case closed.

 

[Jitterbug]

Most guys get in (or try to) relationships because in most places, if you don't have a girlfriend, you'll be the laughing stock of the workplace. Happened to me. Having a girlfriend typically grants you immunity to ridicule from other guys and gets you more female attention. It also makes you appear to be a more desirable male. But having a girlfriend is like owning a car.

Really? I don't imagine Australian workplace culture to be that different from American. Here it's always the guys in LTR, especially married ones, who are the butts of jokes. For example, whenever we go out drinking on Friday night after work, it's always the married fellas who have to leave first because of wifey's command, and we'd tease them to no ends.

As for attention from women, usually the attention is false, meaning that women would only flirt with the taken guys because they're considered safe. The kind of taken guys who would get the real attention and possibly seduced by those women are the same ones who would get all that when they're single. Besides, all that attention at a workplace is dangerous and counterproductive, and if you ever take up on the offer, you put your whole career at risk and kill your social proof, as nobody wants to publicly associate with a cheater.

 

[Paintballguy]

Most guys get in (or try to) relationships because in most places, if you don't have a girlfriend, you'll be the laughing stock of the workplace. Happened to me. Having a girlfriend typically grants you immunity to ridicule from other guys and gets you more female attention. It also makes you appear to be a more desirable male. But having a girlfriend is like owning a car.

That's not the case at my work. If anything, all the married guys tell me to stay single and live vicariously through me. lol