2 year relationship going bad..what do I do?

[drunkenxdj]

I've been dating this girl for almost 2 years now. In the beginning, she was all over me (which was great). I was definately in control, as I learned from my ex-girlfriend to not be so much of a ***** but instead be a man (not give in). We spent a lot of time together (everyday). I actually got bored because of it and asked for some space, but she took it the wrong way (I don't ask for space anymore).

Fast forward to almost 2 years later. She's flakey on sex, we don't have much to talk about, and she asks me for a lot of favors (wants money, food, etc and also me running errands). She doesn't call me when she says she will (and when on the phone she'll make some lame excuse like "i gotta go and get something outta the fridge" Also, she has become very rude and desrespectful towards me (Gets extremely confrontational and rude when I dont do something, like bring something to her place). Heres one convo we had:


Her: Didn't I say to bring the damn tissues?
Me: well I honestly just forgot, It's not a big deal right?
Her: Bring the damn tissues next time!

When I try the same tactic on her, she gets defensive and says "why are you being so mean to me? You're mean!" Saying she does that to me usually shuts her up.

I really love this girl, and my parents think she is nice (if only they saw her other side lol).
Background: she had mostly guy friends (the type of girls I wouldnt trust normally, but she was nice and sweet to me), but has recently started hanging out with some girls regularly.

Any help or criticism welcome, thanks

 

[iqqi]

sounds like she may be going through a funk, or she is experiencing the grass is greener on the other side syndrome.

1. what happened back when you asked for space? why are you so against that now, what did she do?

2. how long has this been going on?

3. has she shown any insecurities lately?

4. how old are you two?

 

[drunkenxdj]

She could be experiencing "the grass is greener" syndrome, but she was quite busy with schoolwork.
1)She said "you don't like me, huh? do you want to break up? thats what asking for space means," so I kinda lay off that question
2)Since this summer; I left and we visited each other. I went up to her place for a few days and she asked me to stay with her for another week. During that week she came home late everyday from summer school and studied, I spent 1-2 hours with her everyday at the most
3)A lot lately. She keeps asking if her appearance is ok. I say yes, she says B.S, so I say no, and she says "WTF, you really think so" It becomes a mind game everytime now.
4)21 and 20

 

[MacDiddy]

Here are my thoughts and this is pretty standard shyt which hopefully I can summarize later into a more generic version for other poor bastards in your situation.

-You wanted space, and she called your bluff. You start looking like an AFC for backing down.
-She has lost respect for you and you will never gain it back as long as the two of you are together.
-A loving girlfriend when prep properly with foreplay/teasing, is never flaky on sex. Fvcking NEVER. (unless of course there are strong reasons that prevent sex from occuring)
why is this so? Even pregnant women will still have sex. Girls on their period still have sex. A gf who has an assignment due tomorrow will not say no to sex that nite. My point is, when a girl is in love, she'll do anything for her lover. No excuses.
-Go back to the times early in your relationship when you had sex on tap. She has lost those feelings that she felt for you then. Feelings that she was willing to trade for sex. Providing sex is something a girl will gladly do for a guy that will give her what she wants out of the deal. Manly qualities.
-She sees you as a provider and not a lover.
-She's seeing other girls, and as a by product, will be seeing other guys. You can bet the farm on this.
-She has someone else providing her the manly qualities she needs or lacks from you, and therefore doesn't really require that from you anymore.
-You have been demoted to her lacky, and she sees you as being only useful for getting her the tissue (barely).
-You have no leverage or real power in this relationship. She has it becoz she has CHOICE, and she knows you'll back down when she gets emotional.
-Lastly, she is no longer attracted to you.

You've done nothing wrong except by acting AFC, so it may seem unfair, but there is always an underlying reason for her behaviour. Dig Deeper if you wish, but you will feel the pain so typical of all AFC's in your situation... The more you dig the deeper the wound.

otherwise

-Stop feeling sorry for your situation. Accept that it takes 2 willing people to make a relationship work and you're all alone buddy.
-Do not confront her and plead for change. You won't get it.
-Stop calling her and stop seeing her. Let her make the moves.
-You gotta stop acting AFC and start living as a DJ.
-Make yourself of high value.
-Acquire some leverage by meeting other chicks and start dating them.
-Get some CHOICE into your game.

She will see the new you and be attracted to you again. But by that time, you may happily be with someone else.

 

[drunkenxdj]

Macdiddy is on point. Do you think theres a possibility shes cheating on me? she always says she hates people who cheat and would dump them right away.

 

[CLOONEY]

This is a case of she has more power than u and she knows it. Her interest level is dropping fast. Move on with your life as best u can (this doesnt mean NEXTING her), detatch yourself, take up your hobbies more passionately. Call her less. Give the relationship some space and breathing room. DONT take her sh*t, and let her know she has changed and u wont take her sh*t. Dont just say it, but show her actions speak louder than words.

 

[Player_Supreme]

I didnt' finish your post but I do want to ask you why the fawk are you on this site for learning how to get women if you have a girlfriend????

Secondly, you already know what the problem is...she is bored with your punked out ass. Look at it this way. When you put together a puzzle your interested until you finish figuring it out then you lose all interest. Well she has you figured out and has lost all interest.

Your problem is that YOU didn't keep YOU interesting. Why shouldn't she be bored. You don't even dig into her life story anymore. That means you don't have any real convo.

All you are is a symp to pay for shyt to her. She has lost all respect for you as can be seen by the convo you to had. No woman who respects her man would even think of speaking to him that way.

Here is your advise. Even though your one of those guys who shouldn't be here on this site cause your in a ltr...you need to get ready to next this woman before she does it too you or you find out that yes she has probably been cheating on you with someone she finds a challenge.

I have posted numerous times about this very shyt that it gets tiring repeating yourself. When you stop doing the things that attracted her in the first place what do you think is suppose to happen??? When you get boring and stale and routine...how is are those women suppose to be???

I'm done.

 

[Glenfiddich101]

Hi Playa

I agree with your post. MOst guys tend to take their g/fs interest level for granted once things start to get stable.

I'm curious, its a pretty much known fact here that its important to keep our women on their toes. but how abt the women's part? What should they be doing to keep us interested? What kinda signs/actions should we look out for that she'e still eager to be our woman?

Thanks

 

[squirrels]

NO is a very powerful word...but you gotta make it stick. You can't back down when you use it or it loses its meaning.

Don't take BS from women. Ever. Ignore it, deflect it, call them on it, if necessary throw it back on their faces, but never just sit down and eat it because they will keep feeding it to you until the day you die.

 

[chili kat]

Well here's the thing, man, and I'm not tryin to step on toes here, but if you turn aroud and pull in one fail swoop this DJ sh*t right now, then you might as well just dump the broad right here and save it for the next chickie. And I'd give up thinking "cheating". It's nothing good for much else than an ulcer, and it's not like I haven't been there once or twice.

Now I'm assuming, since you've put two years into the sh*t, that dropping it off a cliff and wiping your hands of it isn't your FIRST choice of action here. So I'm going to suggest you put up a new standard. Take her someplace risky and just bunny hump the b*tch. Put some fvckin thrill & danger into it.

Now I say this for a few reasons. The first is the most obvious in that it spicens up the libido life. But what more is that it will show that you're willing to take risks and not sit content with the boredom. Even if she doesn't like it, doesn't want to do it, it's still going to give you an edge you've lost.

The thing is here, you've got to have some ground to stand on before you can make demands. You can't just whip the chickie into your ideal mold from the loosing side with a "dj" attitude; not after she's had two years to break you down. You've got to turn up the standards in moderation, in interest, and expect her to follow you. If she falls behind, I suggest you let her. You'll know it's time to move on.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and say she's cheating on you. But she definitely feels like its ok for her to disrespect you and has a double standard when you voice your displeasure with her. I think a lot of guys on this board stay with their gf's because of the length of time they've been together and that's a HUGE MISTAKE!

Yes its extremely hard to de-attach and let go, but you can't prolong something once its run its course. This is ridiculous dood!! You deserve much better than the way she's been treating you. The right thing to do is break up with her. In my book if you've two have stopped having sex, only argue and you constantly feel stressed out over the relationship, then its time to start fresh.



PIMP

 

[chili kat]

Originally posted by Pimp-sicle
I think a lot of guys on this board stay with their gf's because of the length of time they've been together and that's a HUGE MISTAKE!

I don't disagree that some people do this in the wrong way, but I think you'll be hard pressed to find a LTR that does not at some point reveal a woman that becomes in some part *****y, pushy, distant or play a double standards game. Even the sweet ones change. If you don't learn to deal with this BS at some point, you'll either be nexting women till you're 80 or end up with a miserable marriage.

This situaion may not pan out for him, but we are not talking entirely about the woman here either. People forget that. Not every guy here is right in every situation. Not that I'm accusing anyone here, but some people give out the "next" never realizing that it's just encourging the guy to make the same damn mistakes with the next woman.

 

[marketboy]

Drunken, before I say what I have to say, I am curious as to how old you are, and how old your gf is?

Listen before you just listen to most of these people saying to next her, and to move on, etc... Just take a step back and look at the big picture.

I have found that too many people follow the advice on these threads and articles blindly that they let the door of opportunity close before they really try and step through it. Believe me, I used to be one of them.

While its good fundamentals not to be an AFC it isn't a bad thing at times. I mean you are in a 2 year relationship, that has to mean something... You can't just "next" a girl or be a **** to her because she suddenly isn't acting the way you want her to.

I agree that you shouldn't be treated like **** by any girl, and that changing the way you act towards her isn't entirely bad. But please don't next her until you at least try to understand where's she's coming from, and work with your situation.

The fact that you have a girl committed to you makes you far more advanced than most of the people you've been reading threads from. Just remember the person she fell in love with, get your respect back, and even talk to her about the situation.

Remember, rules only go so far. Real life situations are different. Even so, one of the key rules to being a Don Juan is patience.

 

[Slickster]

By Player Supreme

I didnt' finish your post but I do want to ask you why the fawk are you on this site for learning how to get women if you have a girlfriend????

Hey Player! While I understand your frustration the site advertises how to get women and also how to "deal" with women. Relationship guys should be welcome here too because Lord knows many guys need help dealing with some of these beatches.

Maybe a Relationship Forum is in order. Mods?

Peace

DrunkenxDJ

This chick has no respect for you. That's obvious. Marketboy has given some wise words. The relationship does deserve a chance but this disrespect has to stop right NOW.

Next time you are on the phone and she runs to the fridge - hang up! Then leave the house and go do something else. Don't call her back either until she calls you. Don't get mad just calmly tell her you had some other things to do besides wait on the phone for her. Tell her you had a great time doing whatever and too bad she missed out.

Next time you are at her house and she's off talking to one of her friends on the phone or doing something else. Get up and leave! Don't say good bye just leave quietly. Once again do not make any attempt to contact her until she does so. As always remain calm and tell her you're not going to hang around waiting for her. You've got shyt to do.

Her: Didn't I say to bring the damn tissues?
Me: well I honestly just forgot, It's not a big deal right?
Her: Bring the damn tissues next time!
Me (calmly with a smile): Well if you keep talking to me like that there won't be a next time.

If she continues with the shyt then you smile and leave.

You get what I'm saying? You can no longer allow this chick to disrespect you any longer. I know you love her man but this relationship is ALREADY over if this shyt keeps going the way it is.

Stand up for yourself and see how she responds. If she doesn't make any attempt to change then keep on walking. If she doesn't call you back then you keep on walking. Its over anyways

This relationship is on its last leg. Take it from my experience. When she starts hanging out with her girlfriends when the relationship is going thru tough times then that is a bad sign. Especially if her girlfriends are single.

If you wanna keep this girl then you're going to have to spice things up too. Not the same old things you've been doing all along. You've got some work ahead of you. Start dating her again. Forget about sex and any physical touching whatsoever for awhile. Don't even talk about it. Treat the whole thing like you are starting over. Make her qualify herself to you before you give her any lovin'. Think about it? Why would you want to have sex with a chick who doesn't respect you anyways?

Let me guess. She pretty much makes you beg for sex as though its a real effort for her. Then when she finally gives it up she ends up enjoying herself because you do such a good job right? Then the whole cycle repeats itself. Am I right?

Next time you convince her to have sex with you get her all worked up and then stop before she orgasms. Tell her you're just not into it. Until she starts putting some interest and effort into it then why bother?

Good luck.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Gotta put my two cents in.

All I gotta say to Playa Supreme... That 'find out about her' sh1t works swell for the shorter encounters, but how long do you think you can draw form that well before it goes dry? I mean wtf? After two years you know 85% of everything there is to know about her, and the other fifteen percent she isn't going to tell you for just asking. After two years, (fvck it, after six months) you have to change your game a little bit. You have to take that tactic of making conversation more than just asking questions about her past because at that point you either already should know, or you already are her past. Furthermore, if that's the only compelling conversation you can have with her, how weak are you anyway?

How long was your longest serious relationship lately? How long have you been able to keep a woman? Yeah, thought so. Save your game for the ONSs and shut the fvck up.
___________________

To adress the question. I think your relationship is becoming too comfortable. Its the miasma of stagnation. To put it more plainly, you've become too available to her. A wise man once said," Absence is like wind to a flame. It extinguishes the weak, but makes the great ones even greater."

You were spending time with her everyday and then you asked her for space. In her insecurity she went nutz and now you don't ask anymore. But you're still there at her beck and call. Be busy living your life. If she feels affronted, remind her of the wonderful strides in self-sufficiency women have made since the sixties.

As per her new friends being single girls, have you ever thought there is a reason they're all single? Has she? Most single women nowadays have little interest to give a man past the use of his tool or his credit card for a while. I'm not saying be a jealous pr1ck, telling her who she can or cannot associate with, but do register your amusement at their quaint little bachelorettehood. After all, poor, poor little girls will never be as lucky as to have you in their life.
_______

One final point. When calling her on her bullsh1t, never stoop to her level, that tit for tat sh1t went out in the second grade. Simply show her that you take such juvenile temper tantrums as the prattlings of a spoiled brat, and treat them as such. Rise above it and she will rise to your level...

Her: Didn't I say to bring the damn tissues?
Me: well I honestly just forgot, It's not a big deal right?
Her: Bring the damn tissues next time!
Me: a) Keep b1tchin', I'm sure that'll get you your tissues.
b) Or, here's a novel idea, you can spend the buck and a half and get your own. That way we won't have to worry about having this conversation again.
c) (if you reeaaaaallly want to be an arse) Dammit, that's what you get for running out of tampons! What? You're not PMSing? Oh, so you're just doing all this for the sheer pleasure of being a stark raving b1tch. (that one might not go over too well. You might want to leave the room immediately to end the conversation and avoid any flying objects)

Don't go pulling the plug on your relationship before giving it one last shot. Be less available to her, and make the times you are together remind her she's got a good thing going and she doesn't want to ruin it by being such a hellacious succubus.

-Cyrano

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Gotta put my two cents in.

-Double.

 

[WestCoaster]

NEXT!!!

Player is right on all accounts, and like him I didn't get through the initial post because once I start reading about female bi-chiness, I realize it's NEXT time!

* If a woman is going to b-tch in the relationship, she's going to b-tch worse in the marriage.

* If a woman is bored with you after two years, she's going to be comatose after five.

* If you're bored with a woman after two years, you'll be dead bored with her after five.

... and here's the biggie which I'll get flamed for:

IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHETHER YOU WANT TO MARRY A GIRL AFTER ONE YEAR IT'S TIME TO CUT THE STRINGS AND MOVE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE.

One year is more than enough time to get to know someone, after that you're just going through the motions. EVERY guy I know who "lived" with a girl before marriage for years on end is now terribly miserable, divorced, cheating, or trying to get out of it. That doesn't work very often. Every guy I know who has dated a woman for multiple years is also in the same predicament.

There are WAY too many women to date, have flings with, have mini-relationships with, just have fun with to be wasting time in a 2-year meaningless relationship.

If you don't know after one year, you're just p-ssing in the wind.

 

[cactus3178]

Re: NEXT!!!

Originally posted by WestCoaster


... and here's the biggie which I'll get flamed for:

IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHETHER YOU WANT TO MARRY A GIRL AFTER ONE YEAR IT'S TIME TO CUT THE STRINGS AND MOVE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE.

One year is more than enough time to get to know someone, after that you're just going through the motions. EVERY guy I know who "lived" with a girl before marriage for years on end is now terribly miserable, divorced, cheating, or trying to get out of it. That doesn't work very often. Every guy I know who has dated a woman for multiple years is also in the same predicament.

There are WAY too many women to date, have flings with, have mini-relationships with, just have fun with to be wasting time in a 2-year meaningless relationship.

If you don't know after one year, you're just p-ssing in the wind.

I agree with most of what your saying here. If your not in this just for p*ssy, and you want to have a relationship, 95% of the time, you'll know in a year or less. It doesn't take a year to see somebody's bad side or flaws, etc.

However, this isn't ALWAYS true. My last relationship went very well for over a year before it began to unravel. Come to think of it, about 3 or 4 months after we moved in together, things went to sh*t.

WestCoaster, could you elaborate on the "every guy who lived with a girl before marriage" thing? You don't think it's a good idea to live with a girlfriend up until you marry her? It's been my experience that you can learn alot about a person by living in the same house...maybe even enough to save you from a sh*t marriage.

 

[WestCoaster]

Co-habitation isn't working

Yes, every one of my friends who "test drove" the product, i.e., lived with the woman before marriage, is now in a crappy marriage and said it didn't help one iota. They also miss those years of "freedom" that they gave up on.

My friends (and my parents) who did not live with their spouses before marriage are very happy.

I have a lot of friends and just from my experience the sure-fire formula to have a losing marriage down the road is to live with a woman.

It may be different for others, but from my vantage point, the test-drive isn't working.

* Also, marriage statistics point this out. Check out the research: Co-habitating couples have way higher divorce rates than non-cohabitors.

 

[NewMan]

I agree with Westcoaster.

Statisitics say that your more likely to divorce someone if you live with her before hand.


Its a very interesting statistic - and I wonder how this comes about. One though is the fact that those people who live together before marrage have lower level of morailty - therefore divorce is always an "Option".

I lived with my ex - and I don't think I'd do it again. When your married - you can then build a home together - and it's a fresh start so to speak.


*********

Now onto the tread.

When a woman talks to you and treats you like a dog - you are a dog.

It's a total lack of respect for you.

When I try the same tactic on her, she gets defensive and says "why are you being so mean to me? You're mean!" Saying she does that to me usually shuts her up.

It's been my experience that this kind of tit for tat sh#t never does any good. Your just perpetuating the problem.

You see, you are no longer dealing with the problem at the root cause. Your now being passive agressive - and your just making this behaviour acceptable.

When this happens you need to cut it at it's source - the minute it happens. As I think Slick said, she says to you-

Her: Didn't I say to bring the damn tissues?
Me: well I honestly just forgot, It's not a big deal right?
Her: Bring the damn tissues next time!


you walk the hell out and leave her there - and say something such as - "I'll be back when you stop talking to me like I'm a dog"...


So whatever else happens - you need to start have some self respect - and treat yourself with some dignity. Stop putting up with this crap.

General problems:

Other issues such as lack of sex - leaving the phone convo for the fridge etc....

All this is pointing to NO CHALLENGE.

If she's not talking to you on the phone - you need to stop calling her. Let her call you.

If she's not having sex with you - you need to not see her as much. Stop spending the night. At 10:30 PM or whatever - get the hell up - kiss her good night and go home.

Don't see her if your no plans. Go out with the guys instead.


Let her wonder about you.

Your totally to soft and easy for her right now, because you've invested your feelings into this.

Don't be so quick to end it however - because you will make the same mistakes with the next girl. If I were you I'd use what time you have remaining with this chick to clean your act up.

Practice the challenge. Stop seeing her so much. Go out with the guys.

You'll be surprised what will happen.