2.5 month after breakup...

[blong1068]

I posted a couple months ago about my 2.5 year LTR breakup. I've been out every single weekend for 2 months with my friends that I've neglected since being with her. I really haven't thought about her that much. But now school has started again (yes, I'm 29 and a sophomore in college), and I've run into her a couple times.

I've had absolutely zero contact since the night it ended. She even left me a letter when I went to pick up my stuff (she was out of town) saying she had never had doubts after breaking up before but she is now and asking my feelings and whatnot. I threw it away and never replied.

So when I've run into her each time she said hi and I just nodded or said hi and kept moving. Part of me wants to talk to her, but I know that I'll just end up getting mad, and I don't want to hear about her new dude. I find myself dressing better on days that I'll probably see her. I don't want to get back with her, but I do want her to WANT to get back with me. I would love to reject her, as she's never been broken up with in her life. I think about her all the time now, not good thoughts, and I end up pretty pissed off, but she's still on my mind.

I'm not sure I even have a question here. I just want to not think about her anymore, but seeing her makes that nearly impossible. Should I just ignore her completely, or continue saying hello and moving along? If you need any other info let me know, didn't want to make this into a novel.

 

[SoldMySoul]

I am sort of going through what you are right now and feel the same way as you do! You just want that last bit of power and you feel it would make you whole again. I guess in time, it will really not matter because you will have moved on and should be living a better life.

In a sense, it would be playing games in return and to ignore would be best. BUT, if given the chance to reject I'd say do it!!! I can guarantee you that if I have the chance I am going to do it just because I can. I will not make contact to try and reel her in to do it, but if she makes a concerted effort, then REJECTION her way.

You just have to keep her out of your mind and do what is best for you while working on making the supreme you!

 

[Radharc]

Hey there,

There's two ways to go about it, but first let me tell you that those feelings you have, of wanting to have the last laugh, and "setting things right" (I´m assuming from your post that she´s the one that left you on her terms) are perfectly normal. Besides, 2 and a half months is very little time, everything is still quite fresh. She´s still inside your head.

Now you can either just accept that, but focus on your own life, your own thing, accept that she´s still inside your head and giving you those emotions, but thats where it stops, you dont allow yourself to let any of that have any impact on your days, on your choices, on how you live - it´s over, it´s tough but you´re a man and you can deal with it. You´re better than to let yourself be held hostage to whatever after effects she might be having on you. It´s a bit like going cold turkey, the urge is there but you dont let it rule you. You don´t empower any of that mess inside your head.

The other way is to allow yourself to get sucked into a game that you can´t possibly win. And even if it doesn´t look like it, if you start to try to play this game, she wins, she´s controlling you even if she's not knowingly doing it. It´s really tempting to try to play games with her, I know, when our ego gets hurt it tries really hard to set things right, but it´s really pointless, even if you manage to break up with her, are all the trouble and the drama you´de have to put up with to get there worth it?

Say hello (out of civility) and move along, live your life for your own sake, make your life great, like someone said, the best revenge is to live well. Live a great life and maybe let her see what she missed.


Good luck.

 

[cavedweller]

blong,

She be the dumper and you be the dumpee..

Try not to play 'head games' with her..

Pal, it is over..

Starting dating other women and move on.

 

[jophil28]

So you believe that by rejecting her you will regain your feelings of power and control ? You want to have the last word and make her hurt just like she hurt you, right. You want to feel good by making her feel bad by creating a feeling of loss in her after you finally walk out on her...

That revenge stuff is what women do, or at least try to do to guys who dumped them... however it never works as planned because the guy could care less when she ultimately dumps him. Women forget that part.
You can't hurt someone who does not care..

This is a fools' plan - revenge like this is a feminine adolescent tactic .

Your best "get square" is to let her see you with a HB 9 on your arm one day. And don't forget to introduce them to each other.

Mission accomplished.

 

[Radharc]

Your best "get square" is to let her see you with a HB 9 on your arm one day. And don't forget to introduce them to each other.

This begs the question: is it worth it to keep some channels of communication open with an ex that you, otherwise, would hardly see or hear from again, just to make this happen?

Usually the ones I want to rub it their faces are the ones I feel less inclination to have any dealings with. Until I do it.

 

[Kailex]

This begs the question: is it worth it to keep some channels of communication open with an ex that you, otherwise, would hardly see or hear from again, just to make this happen?

Usually the ones I want to rub it their faces are the ones I feel less inclination to have any dealings with. Until I do it.

Let the universe fall into place.
If it is to happen, it'll happen. If not, you just enjoy the HB-9's company anyway.

I just don't like "planned revenges". Like many before me have stated: The best revenge is living well.


OP: Everyday you spend thinking about her or contemplating what she's thinking, she wins more and more. Your life should be a life EXCLUDING her. If you bump into her, so be it, but don't seek ways to "get back", because it WILL backfire.

 

[DavenJuan]

This begs the question: is it worth it to keep some channels of communication open with an ex that you, otherwise, would hardly see or hear from again, just to make this happen?

Usually the ones I want to rub it their faces are the ones I feel less inclination to have any dealings with. Until I do it.

to you and the OP, dont misconstrue what Jophil is saying.

Attempting to get revenge of any kind is not what he means. Is it funny to "happen" to walk pass your ex and she see you with a HB 9, absolutely.. should you care... absolutely not.

Think about what you are asking...

PURPOSELY keeping contact with someone you would rather NOT talk to, simply to cause some form of reaction.... ???

A few people are saying the right thing about "revenge" but for the wrong reason. "dont get revenge because it says your still hurt, she wants the validation, etc. .( as a generalization) ..

WHO CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?

when you stop seeking validation of any kind from people, is when you realize that what every one else thinks or feels is irrelevant.

I constantly hear people claiming women are "branch swingers", but its funny how we dont consider OURSELVES branch swingers also. Because i am willing to bet, the second someone better comes along, you will INSTANTLY forget about this ex of yours... its only natural.


So my challenge to you, is that you dont WAIT for someone better to come along. you focus on the REAL prize here... YOU!

The only persons thoughts you know.. are yours. Focus on your own perception of yourself. Ask yourself why do you care what she thinks of you.. and what difference does it make in your life what she thinks of you, or ANYONE for that matter.

 

[jophil28]

to you and the OP, dont misconstrue what Jophil is saying.

Attempting to get revenge of any kind is not what he means. Is it funny to "happen" to walk pass your ex and she see you with a HB 9, absolutely.. should you care... absolutely not.

Yes, ^^

The greatest slapdown for an ex is her seeing that she has been replaced by a hotter ( or a later model) . HOWEVER, that HB9 "replacement" should be carefully auditioned and chosen because she is an upgrade to YOUR life. Women should enhance your life, not contaminate it.
Hopefully, she also is devoid of the attributes, drama and character flaws of your ex which poisoned your previous relationship.

IF, one day, you manage to have them meet in the same room and your ex is confronted with her replacement, well....now that is sweet icing on the cake.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

An old Chinese proverb reads, "When you set out for vengeance, dig first two graves."

In this context, the proverb is overkill but the fact remains: seeking revenge will hurt you as much, if not more, than the one you seek it on.

Revenge is a waste of time and energy.

 

[wasted-nick]

Your only goal at this point is to reach the oasis of indifference. Once you have that, you have truly won and she no longer exists.

 

[SoldMySoul]

Very good insight by many on this thread and I do believe living better is the best revenge with all that is in me. It is just tough during the down time when you are still going through emotions and crap is all on your brain. Revenge is a natural thought, but of course not acting on it is always best. When another woman replaces the one that hurt and especially if she is better, it makes all that bad history just that.... BAD History! Then as your recover, the bad history starts fading from your memory and heart.

But like in Swingers the movie, Mike's friend told him they somehow come back right about the time you are over them. Well in my case, almost when I am over them and some feelings still linger.

 

[blong1068]

Thanks for all the input, I appreciate it.

In all my previous relationships, once they ended I never spoke to or saw them again. But here I'm forced to see her. I see the revenge thought was wrong, I definitely won't attempt to get back with her. When I see her again she'll be treated like a chick I remember from high school but never talked to then either.

It's the betrayal that I can't get out of my head. I've never had a man treat me like this in my life, but every women I've had a relationship with has. Maybe that points to something I'm doing wrong.

 

[jophil28]

It's the betrayal that I can't get out of my head. I've never had a man treat me like this in my life, but every women I've had a relationship with has. Maybe that points to something I'm doing wrong.

Hmm, perhaps you do need to think hard about what(if anything) you may be doing to give them license to betray you, especially when you have acknowledged that "every women that I've had a relationship has ( betrayed me )". Seems to be a pattern there ?
There is not one man on this board who cannot, and could not, improve his "way" with women. We all have flaws and shortcomings and perhaps some quirks that are not serving us well in our personal "style".

So the questions for the OP are - What are these flaws of your's, and are they 'fatal flaws ' ?

Perhaps you might also like to post some details of her betrayal(s) .

You can wager that there are several of us here who have also experienced similar disloyalties.

 

[cavedweller]

Your only goal at this point is to reach the oasis of indifference. Once you have that, you have truly won and she no longer exists.

Some real words of wisdom here..Well said...

 

[blong1068]

Hmm, perhaps you do need to think hard about what(if anything) you may be doing to give them license to betray you, especially when you have acknowledged that "every women that I've had a relationship has ( betrayed me )". Seems to be a pattern there ?
There is not one man on this board who cannot, and could not, improve his "way" with women. We all have flaws and shortcomings and perhaps some quirks that are not serving us well in our personal "style".

So the questions for the OP are - What are these flaws of your's, and are they 'fatal flaws ' ?

Perhaps you might also like to post some details of her betrayal(s) .

You can wager that there are several of us here who have also experienced similar disloyalties.

I believe my main flaw is that the longer the relationship goes, the more comfortable I get and quit doing the things I did to initially gain attraction. She then starts branch swinging, it's happened every single time.

With this one, I allowed myself to trust her completely. For two years she continually reaffirmed that she was madly in love (now I see it was just infatuation, we didn't see each other that much for those two years, mostly long distance) she was. I had no worries that she was doing anything shady, she told me all her passwords for facebook and email and whatnot, I never told her mine. When I finally moved back closer to her, I guess she got bored. About six months after I moved back, which she was incredibly excited about, it was over.
About a week before she ended it, we were in the car, she was driving. I was looking at some stock quotes on her iphone when a message popped up. They just show up on the screen. It was from "Mike" and said something about "a movie sounds great, let me know..." that's all I could see. I handed it to her and said something about this dude asking her on a date, sort of joking, not acting mad at all. She really didn't reply, and quickly started to talk about all kinds of different things for the rest of the ride. I guess I just didn't want to believe it, because I pretty much forgot about it. A couple days later she's getting all gussied up to go to work, so I ask if she plans on going out afterwards, and she says not at all, just wants to look nice. Of course I find out that she did go out. Couple days later she ends it, and tells me that guy was a dude she met at a bar a couple weeks ago, hadn't gone out with him, just talked. I very much doubt that's the truth, but it doesn't matter at this point.
She straight up told me she lost attraction for me. Which I have a hard time accepting, because I've actually lost 25 lbs since we started dating, and I'm getting pretty shredded right now. I'm in the best shape of my life, older ladies always flirting with me, I feel pretty good about myself physically. I know I lost attraction through supplicating and not really being a man once I moved back to her. I thought I had her so I could relax. That's what I'm doing wrong. That's what I have to change.

For now, I just want to not think about her. Partying is a temporary relief, but time alone let's her penetrate my mind. If there is one positive I can take from this, it's incredible motivation in the gym.