1st date with Ex. Need advice.

[ColdTony]

I’ll TL/DR it as much as I can. But please soak it all up.

I’m meeting my ex for the first time in 3 months. Bad breakup. She ran. I panicked. I chased. Everything I knew about Attraction and Masculinity
went out the window. Calls. Texts. Tears. Begging. Pathetic. Cue depression.

Found Coach Lee a bit too late and went radio silent. A month later she touched base. Was going to meet but she kept putting it off last minute. I pushed. She bolted again.

She touched base again while drunk and admitted she was ****ing some guy from high school (I’m 40 she’s 31). Was downtown and asked to stay at my place. I said ok. We texted all night. Said she still loved me, missed me, hated that we weren’t together. (She’s only a feelings person when she’s drunk - trauma) She got off in my bed, told me no one can make her ***, missed my apartment, my **** and my friendshipborrowed my hoodie and left the next morning.

I went back to radio silence.

I had agreed to put rims on her SUV (I didn’t not buy them) and that was the last anchor we have besides the key fob she has to my place. Which she seems to be hanging onto. I said I’d do them this Sun. And on a whim, I invited her to come to Steveo Live on Sat night. She agreed. As friends. But was coy.

I think she’s gaming me, but naturally. Because she’s lost respect and attraction for me, but there is a tiny bit there still.

I have this singular opportunity to take her out, be the same guy but better and regain her attraction and respect, or at least start.

What are some things I can say or do. How should I be. She’s used to bikers and tattooed dudes, which I am. And a bit of ******* will go a long way. But I don’t want to turn her off.

-CT

ps. I blazed through a handful of bar sluts and tinder 9’s so I’m not innocent myself. Although I was much more heartbroken than her.

pps. Our last few texts, I’ve been Push Pull and confident and funny and aloof. She’s been friendly and cheerful but feelingsless. So she’s of the mindset at the moment that shehas More value and can have me if she wants. I need to flip the table.

thanks in advance

 

[Modern Man Advice]

This has disaster written all over it. I take you haven't read other posts on SoSuave about this. If not, I suggest you do.

But to summarize everyone's advice about such situations, here it goes: Don't.


Modern Man Advice

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

Please don't

 

[ColdTony]

I’ll go through the posts. But this is gonna happen. I’ve done the date an ex thing before. I know how it can go, but I have to see it through to its conclusion. The break up was my fault so I want to shoot my shot and know I played it as best as possible.

People break up, and rekindle. Unlikely but possible.

Can any one offer anything constructive.

I’ll def report back

 

[oldmanofthesea]

What are some things I can say or do. How should I be.

You've already lost if you are asking questions like this. What you are asking is, "What can I do to be the person she most wants". That is the wrong frame and the wrong mindset. You have already put her on a pedestal as the prize to be won and no woman wants that. She wants a guy who SHE puts on a pedestal and who SHE sees as something to win. The reason people say don't go back to an ex is because once a girl dumps you, you can no longer be on a pedestal to her.

We have all been in your situation before. It sucks. We get it. It was as hard for us as it is you. You will have to learn for yourself by going out with her and having her string you along for a bit only to dump you cold again and play with your emotions. You are mistaking the problem to be solved. You think the problem to be solved is "how do I get THIS girl back" when in fact that real problem you are trying to solve is "how can I be happy and enjoy the company of a woman I'm attracted to". There are other women out there. Lots of them. I suggest your spend your time and energy finding them.

After my divorce, it took me a year to find a girl I was really attracted to and clicked with. She told me she loved me and then dumped me cold with NO explanation. I was crushed. But it caused me to find red pill and this forum and become a better person. Now, I laugh when I think of that girl because I date girls much hotter and much younger. You can and will do better than this ex of yours who you are overvaluing.

 

[ColdTony]

So you're okay knowing she's fvcking some other guy? Have some self respect man, let this one die.

You don't wanna lose what you think is prescious, the way you write "I'm 40 she's 31" (she's younger so to me she's more valuable than I am)

If you wanna be the prize, start acting like one.

of course I’m not ok with it. She did go out of her way to tell me it was over between them. Plus I’ve ****ed probably 11 or 12 girls in the last two months so

 

[ColdTony]

You've already lost if you are asking questions like this. What you are asking is, "What can I do to be the person she most wants". That is the wrong frame and the wrong mindset. You have already put her on a pedestal as the prize to be won and no woman wants that. She wants a guy who SHE puts on a pedestal and who SHE sees as something to win. The reason people say don't go back to an ex is because once a girl dumps you, you can no longer be on a pedestal to her.

We have all been in your situation before. It sucks. We get it. It was as hard for us as it is you. You will have to learn for yourself by going out with her and having her string you along for a bit only to dump you cold again and play with your emotions. You are mistaking the problem to be solved. You think the problem to be solved is "how do I get THIS girl back" when in fact that real problem you are trying to solve is "how can I be happy and enjoy the company of a woman I'm attracted to". There are other women out there. Lots of them. I suggest your spend your time and energy finding them.

After my divorce, it took me a year to find a girl I was really attracted to and clicked with. She told me she loved me and then dumped me cold with NO explanation. I was crushed. But it caused me to find red pill and this forum and become a better person. Now, I laugh when I think of that girl because I date girls much hotter and much younger. You can and will do better than this ex of yours who you are overvaluing.

That’s valuable thanks man. I’ve been down the divorce road also a few years back.
This meet is inevitable. Perhaps you’re right maybe I’ll never regain that ‘pedestal.’ But to move on fully I have to see this through as I’m not fully available for anything meaningful until I do.

 

[dude99]

I’ll TL/DR it as much as I can. But please soak it all up.

I’m meeting my ex for the first time in 3 months. Bad breakup. She ran. I panicked. I chased. Everything I knew about Attraction and Masculinity
went out the window. Calls. Texts. Tears. Begging. Pathetic. Cue depression.

Found Coach Lee a bit too late and went radio silent. A month later she touched base. Was going to meet but she kept putting it off last minute. I pushed. She bolted again.

She touched base again while drunk and admitted she was ****ing some guy from high school (I’m 40 she’s 31). Was downtown and asked to stay at my place. I said ok. We texted all night. Said she still loved me, missed me, hated that we weren’t together. (She’s only a feelings person when she’s drunk - trauma) She got off in my bed, told me no one can make her ***, missed my apartment, my **** and my friendshipborrowed my hoodie and left the next morning.

I went back to radio silence.

I had agreed to put rims on her SUV (I didn’t not buy them) and that was the last anchor we have besides the key fob she has to my place. Which she seems to be hanging onto. I said I’d do them this Sun. And on a whim, I invited her to come to Steveo Live on Sat night. She agreed. As friends. But was coy.

I think she’s gaming me, but naturally. Because she’s lost respect and attraction for me, but there is a tiny bit there still.

I have this singular opportunity to take her out, be the same guy but better and regain her attraction and respect, or at least start.

What are some things I can say or do. How should I be. She’s used to bikers and tattooed dudes, which I am. And a bit of ******* will go a long way. But I don’t want to turn her off.

-CT

ps. I blazed through a handful of bar sluts and tinder 9’s so I’m not innocent myself. Although I was much more heartbroken than her.

pps. Our last few texts, I’ve been Push Pull and confident and funny and aloof. She’s been friendly and cheerful but feelingsless. So she’s of the mindset at the moment that shehas More value and can have me if she wants. I need to flip the table.

thanks in advance

Sh!t show in the making. Do not invest in this at all. You will be sorry. Next.

My advise next. Do not bother. Nothing good will come of this. But chances are you won't listen to this and you will still proceed. Just a feeling I get from your message. I advise don't. Girls do not deserve a second chance and should never be given one.

But If you insist on not nexting and putting your hand on the hot stove anyway then do this :

Cancel your date with her on Saturday. Text her "sorry babe got to cancel Saturday, I have a date. See you another time."

Then go radio silent. She will go bananas and chase you all the more. She will see you are no longer pining over and she will see you have options.

 

[SargeMaximus]

Can someone experienced explain how a woman can still want a man after all that betaness? I’m not trying to insult the guy, I’m thinking about myself and how I never did any of this yet exes rarely
Come back to me. The last one I had came back 5 different times but that is a rarity for me. So yeah, I’m curious

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She is going to mind fvck you and basically tell you how everything is your fault and then leave you wanting more.

 

[TheManMasenko]

You already lost.

 

[ColdTony]

Lol you guys are savage I love it. Def came to the wrong place.

She wants to come back cause after the initial freak out I went radio silent. Google some Coach Lee if you’re curious. It’s driving her crazy that I have a sick like and I’m handsome and she has no idea what I’m up to now. The pendulum swings. Power shifts.

Also statistically speaking relationships that experience a break and get back together can go the distance.

Regardless I’m gonna see her tomorrow and **** her into space. I’ll that that W. and whatever happens next happens. My life is good.

 

[logicallefty]

I can’t say meeting her will go the way you want, but as long as your mind is right about it then go ahead and do it, but very CAREFULLY:

- Avoid the mindset that your starting over where you left off. Your knowledge of her is starting where you left off but any kind of relationship with her that you may potentially have from here out is starting over from scratch.

- Avoid discussing the bad stuff from the past. Keep the talk light and funny just like you would on any other first date.

- If she pokes and pecks asking you a bunch of personal questions, change the subject and avoid if you can. You said it was driving her nuts not knowing what you have been up to. After this meeting she shouldn’t know much or anything more about what you have been up to then she did before. Make her keep wondering.

- Don’t act super excited no matter how excited you are.

- I would keep that first meeting quick like no more then an hour

- Most important, protect your heart

Good luck.

 

[ColdTony]

I can’t say meeting her will go the way you want, but as long as your mind is right about it then go ahead and do it, but very CAREFULLY:

- Avoid the mindset that your starting over where you left off. Your knowledge of her is starting where you left off but any kind of relationship with her that you may potentially have from here out is starting over from scratch.

- Avoid discussing the bad stuff from the past. Keep the talk light and funny just like you would on any other first date.

- If she pokes and pecks asking you a bunch of personal questions, change the subject and avoid if you can. You said it was driving her nuts not knowing what you have been up to. After this meeting she shouldn’t know much or anything more about what you have been up to then she did before. Make her keep wondering.

- Don’t act super excited no matter how excited you are.

- I would keep that first meeting quick like no more then an hour

- Most important, protect your heart

Good luck.

Thanks for the first constructive advice. Great points. I’ve been keeping her at a distance for months now and she’s been ‘checking in’ at increasing frequency. She doesn’t know much of anything except that work is good, life is good, I’m good.

She actually messaged me last night about how to fix her shower head that sucks. Fishing prob about if I’m out on a date on a Fri night before the Sat of our meet up. Didn’t take the bait to come running lol I told her pliers and Teflon tape she can do it easily, no prob.

Our meet tonight is tickets to Steveo. Which is funny and loose. While we dated we were best friends, she misses That so it will be fun. And Tom I’m swapping her SUV rims to winter 20’s and studded tires which she needs. So there’s an opportunity for her to stay the night. I’ll run a time constraint and make her drive all the way home tonight and back tomorrow unless she asks. She has to work for it. The dumper has to be the fixer.

She needs to feel safe. So my approach will be to be fun and confident and the same guy she knew but more sorted and farther on his journey. Because that’s who I am. No push no pressure. This has to be right and organic but played well. Or not at all.

And if she bails tonight I have a backup red head.

The rest of you buckle up lol.

 

[member160761]

Teenage blog written by guy in his 40s. You can't make this sh!t up.

 

[CoandaEffect]

The thing about you changing the rims on her SUV almost brought tears to my eyes.

You are so far into her that no one on this forum can help you. The only thing that can is a women to really burn you and she just might be the one.

Good luck, do what you want, but it will not end well for you.

 

[ColdTony]

You guys are more dramatic than she is Jesus. The rims have been sitting in my parkade for a month. I didn’t buy them. I’m not out a cent. And I had given my word long ago that I would swap them over. It takes a solid 25 mins.

Not doing it or making her pick them up would be petty. I’m not a petty man.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Im sorry I cant give advise. Getting back with an ex is like breaking an Iron Rule for me.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Many men mistake genuine female interest/attraction for the tendency women have to not want a guy they dumped to be happy, successful, and move-on, and their reaching out to him just to check and see if that's the case. Women constantly question themselves because their decisions are emotion-based. When women probe an ex, it is for this reason. They want to see the guy struggle because it provides firm validation of their emotion-based decision to dump him. Seeing him successful won't recreate the attraction, it will just hit her ego and confuse her but she will move past it quickly because women have many options with men.

It is telling that you have already committed to installing the wheels on her car, yet she is already dropping hints she wants you to fix her shower too. While I'm glad you didn't take the bait and offer to fix it, it doesn't paint her in a very good light, nor does it speak highly of what she thinks of you. A girl who's really into a guy won't ask him for a bunch of favors - she will DO him a bunch of favors.

 

[corsica]

If you really banged Tinder 9's, It means you're Chad Thundercock. Are you having feelings for a 31yo woman? By being +30, no woman will be above 7.

Let me tell you what's happening:
- She's banging dudes but nobody better than you want to commit. She's just being present to make sure you're still available in case she can't find somebody.

I bet if you tell her you found somebody and that you're happy, will go on with your life, etc. She will go bonkers!

She's a goner. The only way to really stop missing her is for you to actually bang better girls than her.