14 Year marriage/22 year relationship over

[Rollo Tomassi]

Just doing a little math here; you've been married 14 years and your oldest child is 16, thus you got married 2 years after her "accidental" pregnancy? That would put you at about 26. You've been seeing this woman since you were 18. My guess is you "did the right thing" and married her once you had the kid out of wedlock, and for the past 22 years you've still been "doing the right thing".

This is the disadvantage you've been dealing with for over half your life - you bought into a set of rules that your wife has never committed to, though she'll happily use at her convenience. It's progressed to a point now where your benefits outweigh your costs and she wants to cash in on the equity she thinks she's entitled to.

I'm not pointing all of this out to lay into you, but rather to hold you up as an example of a process for the benefit of the brethren here. Your major obstacle is going to be unlearning what you've internalized for the past 22 years. Bear in mind that irrespective of what your decision is you will deal with this woman - by way of your children - for the rest of your life.

 

[Tictac]

I have decided I will move out this weekend for a month. If she does not come crawling in that period I will proceed with the divorce as this is the third time she has asked for a seperation in 2 years.

MacDaddy,

Think long and hard about moving out. You can accomplish a lot without doing this. If you move towards divorce, your moving out will cause more head and heartache (not to mention severe wallet pains) than you can possbily imagine.

You nees to create a vacuum bwtween you and 'give her the gift of missing you'. Yes, its hard to do that while you're under the same roof. But do you really want to be away from your children?

I pm'd you.

Best,
Tictac

 

[Warrior74]

Don't move out until there are papers filed in court. It's just extra ammo for her man. Screw the gift of missing you, she doesn't want you. Sit right there in what is yours until they tell you it's not yours anymore. She can leave if she likes.

 

[speed dawg]

"Happy wife, happy life!!!" debunked yet aGAIN.

 

[MatureDJ]

I had a colleague who was a decently paid engineer, and who also had 4 children, and after he got divorced, the judge allowed him to keep $600/mo (mid 1980's, after taxes.) After a few years for her to get marketable skills, he got to keep more. He had to open up a used car lot on the side just so he could save up for retirement (as she got most of that too!)

 

[MacDaddy]

Hi Thanks to all for replies and it is in keeping with what I have been thinking the last few days. I am work so will post a more detailed response when I get home. In the meantine she has however come twice to beg me to stay, once with members of mine and her family.

I think maybe she has learnt her lesson and won't try this again. I also said if she comes begging twice I will change my mind as this shows some seriousness on her part.

Thing is I am now slowly becoming the bad guy as everyone now knows she is begging to stay. If we divorce now the story will be she asked me for a separation because she was angry, said sorry and pleaded but I still left.

She has also agreed to go for counselling for her anger and marriage counselling if I am interested.

Decision looks simple but I am still troubled and feel I am just delaying the inevitable. I feel she is settling for me because there is nothing better right now and she is afraid of the unknown. I sense she is coming back because the kids were quite upset and everyone she spoke to told her she was wrong and making a big mistake.

I think I will stay but leave something in reserve so if she tries this again I won't find myself in this position. I will also try and incorporate as much as I can from this site to make me a better man.

The main reason I am staying however is because I also think it will be hard for me to find something better. Not from a "looks" point of view(I think she is a solid HB7 even at her age and I know I can get an 8+, 10 years younger) but from a personality point of view. This is from my experience in life, what I have read here and on other sites, what I have seen my friends go through and women I have met since I have been married. Like I said earlier I am damaged now and the chances of me trusting a woman again are very slim.

Plus I haven't met one single woman in the last 22 years that I thought if I wasn't married this one has marriage potential. The ones that appeared to have the right personality were like HB 3/4s (shallow but there has to be attraction to make things work) and even they could change once married and settled in. The HB7s and above I saw serious (to me) flaws in their characters without even getting too close to them.

Wanted to give a quick update but this has turned out to be a long rant

 

[zekko]

Thing is I am now slowly becoming the bad guy as everyone now knows she is begging to stay.

I would advise staying also, but just because it gives you more time to prepare for an eventual divorce. I would stash as much money as I could from now on somewhere where neither she nor her lawyer can find it. I agree with you that this is delaying the inevitable. I think once a woman gets this idea into her head, she is going to go through with it, even it takes a few aborted tries.

Another benefit of staying is you get to be with your kids, and just as importantly the older they are when the divorce goes down, the less the time that you will have to pay child support. Because that's where you will really get the shaft.

The main reason I am staying however is because I also think it will be hard for me to find something better. Not from a "looks" point of view(I think she is a solid HB7 even at her age and I know I can get an 8+, 10 years younger) but from a personality point of view.

Dude. She locked you out of your house and you're saying you can't find a better personality?

I had a colleague who was a decently paid engineer, and who also had 4 children, and after he got divorced, the judge allowed him to keep $600/mo (mid 1980's, after taxes.)

Can you even live on that these days? I've known guys that had to make do with like $400 a month but that was quite a few years ago.

 

[AMDG]

I also think it will be hard for me to find something better.

You sound desperate - craving for female attention. You were wrong, the relationship is not over, but your freedom is

 

[sodbuster]

Marrige counselling is usually a JOKE. She will proclaim her innocence[a woman counselor will agree with her,man may not],but it will be YOU that are supposed to change while SHE won't read the book or work on herself. After about 30 hours out of your life[say $50 per],chances are you will still end up with her tossing you out again.
Women file 90% of the time because men let stuff slide-until SHE'S ready to dump your azz. got the new Boy toy,had you buy her a new car and you get to keep the payments,she keeps the car; go ahead and do it,but get ready for the worst-have cash and a few women lined up and ready to take her place.

 

[jophil28]

I think maybe she has learnt her lesson and won't try this again. I also said if she comes begging twice I will change my mind as this shows some seriousness on her part.

Begging is an outward manifestation of panic...fear.
It does not show "seriousness", but rather, desperation.
She is desperate to hoover you back into being that doormat that you volunteered to be during your marriage .
I think that you labored under some foggy belief that your servitude would be rewarded with gratitude, respect from her, and committment to mutual goals.
However,the kind of passive compliance that you practised usually invites exploitation, not reciprocity..and that is NEVER understood by the weak chumps who seek to "make the little woman happy."

Your last post reminds me of a Medivac pilot about to crash who does one more 'go around' looking for a softer crashsite .

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Mac,
For the sake of the kids you must go back.....I feel your Marriage is finished....Go and see a good lawyer that you may better place yourself for the axe falling...She certainly needs help doesn't she?

 

[AMDG]

She is desperate to hoover you back into being that doormat that you volunteered to be during your marriage .

And after that she will dump him under her terms, when the children are indoctrinated and a new man will support her. Toss a good lawyer into the mix and he will not know what hit him.

 

[Colossus]

MAC-

I have never been married so take my opinion for what it's worth, but I strongly feel her 'begging' is an act of desperation; as she doesn't know what she would do without you at this point. She IS afraid of the unknown and clearly doesn't have a plan---otherwise she would likely be serving you with the papers.

It sounds to me like you are delaying the inevitable, but you also have your children's best interest at heart. What you have to look at is whether or not staying with her (and you know damn well the same bullsh!t will continue in a few months) will truly be better for your kids in the long run. There is nothing absolute about a woman's mind, and her softness for you now is temporary. Further, it has been my observation that people rarely make significant character changes once they are well into adulthood.

Tough decision, but keep the above in mind.

 

[joekerr31]

Begging is an outward manifestation of panic...fear.
It does not show "seriousness", but rather, desperation.
.

take these words to the bank.

and i'll add to this... because i think it has a lot to do with your situation (and most situations like this).

never ever EVER trust someone with a victim mentality.

what do i mean by that? don't trust people who blame others for their problems. And it sounds like your wife blames everyone but herself, hence her anger issues.

people who have a victim mentality are always viewing life through a self centered lens - 'he owes me this. they owe me that. f*cking bastards aren't giving me what I deserve.'

it's only when you call their bluff and threaten to leave completely do they get a dose of reality and suddenly realize 'oh my god, im going to lose everything. i have to fix all this.'

but then the moment they feel safe again, they will return right back to their victim mentality towards life and anyone who is around them at the time will suffer.

you are also being a bit of a victim in all this. mistakenly perceiving her as having all the power - IF she comes begging you'll take her back. ummm - whether you realize it or not you are putting the onus of the situation resolving itself on HER - its within HER power as to whether this all works out. and whether you realize it or not - in doing so you will develop resentment towards her that will express itself down the road.

imagine that your son one day was in this situation. what advice would you give him? my money says you'd tell him 'don't go back unless she is 100% truly prepared to CHANGE and to do the work necessary to change. " why? because you love him and would instinctively know that situations don't just fix themselves - they have to be fixed.

but you don't love yourself enough to give yourself this advice - because if you didn't you wouldn't be satisfied with simple 'if she begs twice then i'll go back'.

 

[Nutz]

After a minor argument (my opinion) 2 days ago she asked me to leave. Said things weren't working one of us had to leave. So I told her you leave.

I Went out later to cool off and she had locked the doors so had to sleep in the car.

Yesterday morning she had to open it. Said she wanted separation and i said what was the point let's just divorce.

Any way this morning she wrote an apology of some sorts which has made me even angrier. It didn't say let's try work things out, maybe marriage counseling. Didn't apologise for locking me out which in my book is a no no as I have paid the mortgage for the last 10 years.

I have decided I will move out this weekend for a month. If she does not come crawling in that period I will proceed with the divorce as this is the third time she has asked for a seperation in 2 years.

First time she left and spent a night with her sister. 2nd time I begged her to stay as I felt she just wanted to know she was still loved.

We have four kids 16, 12, 8 & 4 and were childhood sweethearts. I haven't been this angry for a long time and I can't even stand looking at her. I will stop here for now as I could easily write 3 pages

You are 40 years old. How old is your wife?

My experience tells me this: YOU stay at the house. Keep the kids close. When she's out in the world and realizes that despite the problems you have, it's still much better than being out in the world on her own. If she's over 35 her dwindling attention from other men will nullify any grass is greener aspect to her wanting to separate. Then again perhaps she's already interested in a guy. Who knows. My point is that women past their prime have decreasing options year by year. Men have a longer window of opportunity. This is the #1 thing in men's favor when it comes do divorce and marriage in this age of biased family court systems. Men, pump & dump until you find Miss Right. Then hold off getting married until she's about mid 30s so her options are about shot. Then you should be safe to get married, or, at least that's about the safest you'll be. Still get a prenup. Anyway, I digress.

My suggestion is to not move out and make her do so instead. You've been the one taking care of the mortgage so you sleep under the roof you paid for. Period.

As for the kids, join physical and legal custody. Nothing less. In fact since you'll be staying in the house the kids should stay there since they'll need the security and stay on a regular schedule. Do NOT let her con you out of this by trying to make wild rationalizations. The fact you agreed to move out only shows you bought into her crap.

1) stay in the house
2) keep things normal for the kids as much as possible
3) separate money ASAP!!!!!