1 year no sex..help me!

[Fugitive]

Been in a relationship with a girl for 1 year now. We're both Asian. When we started dating she said she wanted marriage and that she wouldn't have sex outside marriage. She's a virgin and never had a boyfriend before. So I played it cool and agreed that marriage could happen if things went well and said I wasn't after sex.

(It's pretty normal in some Asian communities to get married sooner rather than later and generally a lot of girls say they won't do anything sexually but 99% of them do once they're in "love").

Anyway we hit it off, fall in love and every date we kiss a lot and feel each other up but anytime I go to escalate things by getting her to touch my d*ck or trying to rub her p*ssy she stops me. She literally grabs my hand and pushes it away. Every single time. I'm not a rapist so I stop obviously. I feel a bit like she doesn't want to go too far in case she doesn't marry me.

I've tried talking to her about it and she says no sex or anything sexual outside marriage. I say but I need sex she says put a ring on it then. So 1 year in I decide you know what I like this girl a lot and I have to get married at some point so whatever lets do it.

So I make things serious about marriage. But it's back fired now all of sudden its serious and she's doubting whether she wants marriage at all. She wavers between yes and no literally on a daily basis. She will marry me but she's scared and needs time. And that's fine but what's not fine is during that time she's not having sex with me. She refuses sex, refuses oral and wont even touch my d*ck. I've tried to convince her to stay over at my house/go on holiday but she stubbornly refuses saying "she might lose control".

What do I do?

 

[Krueg]

You need to be asking your self some questions...

Do you like her?

Does she make you happy?

Is she crazy?

Is she controlling?

Can I spend the rest of my life with her?

If your just looking for sex, move on! Dont get married to someone just for sex and be stuck in a un-happy marriage!

 

[SAYNO]

Been in a relationship with a girl for 1 year now. We're both Asian. When we started dating she said she wanted marriage and that she wouldn't have sex outside marriage. She's a virgin and never had a boyfriend before. So I played it cool and agreed that marriage could happen if things went well and said I wasn't after sex.

(It's pretty normal in some Asian communities to get married sooner rather than later and generally a lot of girls say they won't do anything sexually but 99% of them do once they're in "love").

Anyway we hit it off, fall in love and every date we kiss a lot and feel each other up but anytime I go to escalate things by getting her to touch my d*ck or trying to rub her p*ssy she stops me. She literally grabs my hand and pushes it away. Every single time. I'm not a rapist so I stop obviously. I feel a bit like she doesn't want to go too far in case she doesn't marry me.

I've tried talking to her about it and she says no sex or anything sexual outside marriage. I say but I need sex she says put a ring on it then. So 1 year in I decide you know what I like this girl a lot and I have to get married at some point so whatever lets do it.

So I make things serious about marriage. But it's back fired now all of sudden its serious and she's doubting whether she wants marriage at all. She wavers between yes and no literally on a daily basis. She will marry me but she's scared and needs time. And that's fine but what's not fine is during that time she's not having sex with me. She refuses sex, refuses oral and wont even touch my d*ck. I've tried to convince her to stay over at my house/go on holiday but she stubbornly refuses saying "she might lose control".

What do I do?

WOW!!!
Have you ever heard the saying that attraction is not a choice? I hate to break it to you but it doesnt sound like she is attracted to that much if at all. All the woman that I've been with and that were really attracted to me sex and or at least sexual things were never an issue.

Your biggest clue came when she seems indecisive about marriage I mean she cant have her cake and eat it too. :nono: Either she loves you (which I doubt) and she wants to wait till marriage and is using sex as a bargaining chip. Or she is stringing you along till she finds someone better.

I would go find someone else to f$ck. And stop begging her for sex. She will get curious and may even try to offer you some. But I would resist and keep watching her reaction. Right now you have given away all your power. I would abandon ship, cuz this one has sunk..

Btw, are you sure she is a virgin?

 

[Fugitive]

Thanks for replies.

@Krueg - I do like her, she's a bit crazy but I like that too. She is controlling. On the topic of marriage it's not just for sex because I genuinely like her and wouldn't be with her for 1 year without sex if we didn't get on. I'm 30 and she is 32. So we're not 19 year olds getting carried away. Genuinely thinking about starting a family.

@SAYNO she is definitely a virgin. She's never even had a boyfriend and its pretty obvious in some of the things she does. Also she is attracted to me lol. Most my friends think I'm too good for her in terms of looks so no issue there either. She's just unusual. Although I agree with you that she has her cake and wants to eat it too. Also she says she loves me but I'm not sure because no sex/no marriage is putting me in an impossible situation.

 

[Genos]

There's an article on the rational male on pretty much this specific topic: http://therationalmale.com/2011/09/23/wait-for-it/

Read it. Thoroughly.

Then ask yourself - do you really want this girl? Do you really, really like her? Or, are you settling because you're worried about going back into the dating game? Or (mistakenly) that you won't be able to find another woman that you like as much as her?

As SAYNO said - and as Rollo states - if a woman is truly attracted to you, she will have sex with you. Sex comes before the relationship, not after. If she really perceived you as alpha male status, if she was extremely interested in you, barring some absolutely crazy ingrained misplaced moral obligation to 'preserve herself' until marriage, she'd have ****ed you over the course of a ONE YEAR relationship. And if what you say is true, and she's never even had a boyfriend before, is she really going to be sexual during your marriage?

I dunno man. Just my thoughts. You have to really think about this. What Krueg said is absolutely true, don't get married just so you can have sex, that's just loony dude.

In any case, what I'd suggest doing is to stop asking her for sex, etc. In fact, just don't even bring it up. It'll be difficult, but you have to resist. Instead, give her a little less of your attention. Focus on yourself - work hard towards your career ambitions, go to the gym (big one), get fit and cut, immerse yourself back in your hobbies, and finally, up your game. Be more social, and start talking to more women. She needs to realize that she is in a competitive sexual marketplace, and that you're not gonna tolerate her waffling between wanting marriage and not, and denying you sex until this marriage that she's not even sure will happen happens. Do you think if Brad Pitt was with her, would she be going back and forth like this?

Next time you go to a restaurant with her, chat up/make some small talk with the waitress. Indirectly demonstrate that you are capable of attracting other women. See how she reacts.

When you pull back from begging for her affections ("he's not asking me for sex anymore?"), when you start focusing on yourself ("why is he going to the gym, getting more fit? What's going on?"), she'll become curious, and her hamster will go on overdrive.

These are just some things if you are intent on staying with her though. And if you like her enough, go for it. You have to do some objective self-reflection though and make sure your reasons for staying with her are genuine.

 

[Meisterman]

Is she the only girl you want (or are willing) to have sex with for the rest of your life? If yes then marry her if not then don't.

 

[Fugitive]

Thanks Konduit. Your words are making a lot of sense to me. I have to admit going back into dating is a fear of mine. Just a lot of work.

But here you've pretty much described my woman: " barring some absolutely crazy ingrained misplaced moral obligation to 'preserve herself'. That is exactly what she has! Ingrained moral rules that form a huge sense of worth and pride for her. But agree with the article that as a man you should be with a woman who's willing to break the rules for you.

Will take your advice and give her less of my time (I'm already a regular lifter at the gym).

Should I make it clear to her that her no sex rule is not going to fly with me anymore? And then play it cool or should I just let her guess somehow that she needs to offer sex? How should I break that to her?

 

[VikingKing]

Been in a relationship with a girl for 1 year now. We're both Asian. When we started dating she said she wanted marriage and that she wouldn't have sex outside marriage. She's a virgin and never had a boyfriend before. So I played it cool and agreed that marriage could happen if things went well and said I wasn't after sex.

(It's pretty normal in some Asian communities to get married sooner rather than later and generally a lot of girls say they won't do anything sexually but 99% of them do once they're in "love").

Anyway we hit it off, fall in love and every date we kiss a lot and feel each other up but anytime I go to escalate things by getting her to touch my d*ck or trying to rub her p*ssy she stops me. She literally grabs my hand and pushes it away. Every single time. I'm not a rapist so I stop obviously. I feel a bit like she doesn't want to go too far in case she doesn't marry me.

I've tried talking to her about it and she says no sex or anything sexual outside marriage. I say but I need sex she says put a ring on it then. So 1 year in I decide you know what I like this girl a lot and I have to get married at some point so whatever lets do it.

So I make things serious about marriage. But it's back fired now all of sudden its serious and she's doubting whether she wants marriage at all. She wavers between yes and no literally on a daily basis. She will marry me but she's scared and needs time. And that's fine but what's not fine is during that time she's not having sex with me. She refuses sex, refuses oral and wont even touch my d*ck. I've tried to convince her to stay over at my house/go on holiday but she stubbornly refuses saying "she might lose control".

What do I do?

If she is young and has zero sexual experience, but is still attracted to you, there can be a lot of last minute resistance. Your lack of confidence and and weakness will cause lmr.
Her changing her mind are a series of sh!t tests to grab the power so you will be obedient in fear of losing her.

What you need to do is agree with what she says, distance yourself, and start either talking to or seeing other women.

Young inexperienced women play the most games but are terrible at it because they don't know what they are doing.

Oh and the easiest way would to go to her, agree you were being to pushy about sex, that you love her ect.. and then after whatever time, drink alcohol with her (if you are of legal age), she will probably put out pretty quick if she is a bit tipsy.

 

[Genos]

Thanks Konduit. Your words are making a lot of sense to me. I have to admit going back into dating is a fear of mine. Just a lot of work.

This is probably a significant part of the problem for you. Dating should not be seen as work - it should be pure, unadulterated fun. You need to develop the mindset that meeting and talking with women whom you are attracted to is an enjoyable pasttime. Another relevant article I've dug up: http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/08/20/dating-doesnt-have-to-be-a-chore/#comments

Should I make it clear to her that her no sex rule is not going to fly with me anymore? And then play it cool or should I just let her guess somehow that she needs to offer sex? How should I break that to her?

No. If you're planning to try and make things work, don't tell her overtly that you're angry/will give her less attention because she's withholding sex. It should be a steady shift - spend more time on yourself, say you're busy (which you should be, as you're going to be investing more in your career) sometimes when she asks for a date, etc. Redirect your attentions elsewhere; noobology is right, you should just agree with her, and be talking to other women. The idea needs to arise from her own mind that you are a commodity in the sexual market and valued.

I would advise though, that you should never be afraid to walk away from a woman if the relationship consistently proves to be hurting you. If you really like a girl, that doesn't mean compromising to all of her wishes, you need to be independent and dominant.. Sometimes standing up for yourself involves leaving the girl.

Just some thoughts. Don't make any hasty decisions, but first and foremost you need to do some self-improvement and reflection (inner game). If at any time you're thinking that you can't attract a woman of similar or higher caliber than her, you need to fix that mindset. Women can sense the desperation on you.

 

[Fugitive]

@Noobolgy Thanks - You're right that she is full of sh*t tests. She's scared and therefore she uses these tests to try and put me in fear. It's something I realised before so her tests now generally backfire on her.

@Konduit - Thanks for digging up these articles, will read that one properly too. Also going to do my best to avoid telling her that her withholding sex is a problem. Part of me feels that she is just not going to get why she's losing my attention as she's so inexperienced that she just ends up confused when I don't spell things out for her. Will give it a shot though!

I've tried walking away a couple of times but each time she comes back emotional begging me to stay. And I do. I just don't know how to turn this to my advantage to get sex. Maybe next time we have a near break-up I should ask her to meet and then try feeling her p*ssy?

 

[uadialej]

Next time you go to a restaurant with her, chat up/make some small talk with the waitress. Indirectly demonstrate that you are capable of attracting other women. See how she reacts.






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