1 Date and then.. *Need help*

[flowtheory]

"I'm great, nice to hear from you! I'm heading into a meeting, but would love to catch up soon. Are you free Thursday night, 8 p.m.?"

Very rarely do I invest time for chitchat into a girl who has yet to earn her "stripes." Keep your time and attention to a minimum until she proves she is worth investing into.

Meantime ... ask for the date.

So I choose to take gurus advice and put it out there on the line to gauge interest.

Convo...
(Friday at 5:15pm)
Her: “Hey you! How are you?”

(Saturday at 3:19)
Me: I'm great, nice to hear from you! Would like to catch up soon. Are you free Tuesday night, 7pm?

It’s now Monday at 9:30am and I Still haven’t heard a single word from her.

I creep checked her tinder distance this morning and she is once again 50km away, which she wasn’t the day before. (50km away is where she stated she was working before. For the previous weeks) I’m thinking she’s super busy with work or something. But she is also not giving me any response. So the reason doesn’t matter at the end of the day.

I think she is just bored and occasionally wants someone to talk to. Women like keeping guys in their orbit because it makes them feel wanted and attractive. She is not showing signs of serious interest in you. She is likely to just string you along.

So it may be this that is happening. So hard to say. But there is no conversation ensuing so I’m not sure about trying to obtain an orbiter. I do have high interest in her and would like to see her again though. This is obvious.

However. The reason for this post is what is going on in my thoughts while I’m not receiving a response.
I find myself thinking about the whole situation very heavily. And it’s doing NOTHING for my mental state. If anything it is taking away my positive momentum which I generally gear myself in.

So my question now is... How the hell does one stop overthinking and putting so much emphasis on women, expectation, etc. especially when you have high interest in that specific woman?

“Not care. Spin more plates. Abundance mindset, not scarcity. Keep your life rich and driven”.... and all of that. I know it and recite this daily to myself. But even though I am doing this and know this, it can always be improved, yes.
I still get caught up in these draining and detrimental thought loops of “why isn’t she messaging? What’s going on?”
This doesn’t happen with every chick, let it be noted. It happens when I actually like them, and I’m not much of fan of this.

Trying to find solutions to this old way of thinking.

Thanks

 

[oldmanofthesea]

But there is no conversation ensuing so I’m not sure about trying to obtain an orbiter.

That's because you didn't immediately respond to her text message. Women live in the moment. In the moment she texted you, she wanted someone to talk to. She probably texted like 5 other dudes at the same time in hopes that at least one orbiter would respond immediately and she'd get her validation and entertainment. If she wasn't doing this and truly wanted to talk to YOU specifically, she would have responded to your followup text on Saturday.

To answer your other question - there is no secret sauce beyond all the stuff you already know. There is no easy button here. The more girls you date and hook up with who you find attractive, the easier it will be for you to not get hung up on any one of them because you know it will be easy to find another. Their value will go down and as that happens, so will your obsession. Also, I wouldn't make yourself feel worse by thinking that everyone else on this forum doesn't suffer from the same thing. I think way more people here suffer from it than would admit. But it's all about accepting and taking action. Part of the reason so many people here say you should NEVER look back to an ex is because it makes it much easier for your brain to avoid falling into the cyclical trap of, "Oh but I could have done this differently" or "oh but I know I blew this when I said....." etc. It turns into an obsession. So just accept that it's over, you can't change it, and move forward. I bet you could be approaching more women than you are making an effort to today - would you not agree? So focus on that.

 

[guru1000]

Convo...
(Friday at 5:15pm)
Her: “Hey you! How are you?”

(Saturday at 3:19)
Me: I'm great, nice to hear from you! Would like to catch up soon. Are you free Tuesday night, 7pm?

It’s now Monday at 9:30am and I Still haven’t heard a single word from her.

She did speak. Silence to your date request is the message.

However. The reason for this post is what is going on in my thoughts while I’m not receiving a response.
I find myself thinking about the whole situation very heavily. And it’s doing NOTHING for my mental state. If anything it is taking away my positive momentum which I generally gear myself in.

So my question now is... How the hell does one stop overthinking and putting so much emphasis on women, expectation, etc. especially when you have high interest in that specific woman?

You will never totally eliminate the ping of a de-validation. It's not so much this women you crave; it's the de-validation you wish to avoid.

You did everything right simply because you needed this experience to evolve. Lesson learned.

Maximize validations;
Minimize de-validations ("de-vals");

You will desensitize to de-vals through the numbers. To minimize the de-vals: Next time a girl is not straight with your specific date request, she loses you, and you invest your time and attention elsewhere.

 

[flowtheory]

Solid perspectives. Thank you. I will read your responses until it’s engrained within me.

And for future reference, is there a window you generally give before scrapping her and moving on when you experiencethe silence?

I now understand silence is an answer. However she could still message before then stating she would like to meet. And then what would be the move from there; would you proceed with the intended date because it’s been left open and there hasn’t been any overt closing off?
(I’m not holding out that she will, I’m simply interested in learning what moves one should make in possible further scenarios)

One thing I don’t understand is the reasoning or motive women have for stating high interest in her words to get together, then not follow through. Why not just not message altogether. What’s the point of asking how I am after sssentially two weeks of silence?

 

[guru1000]

Solid perspectives. Thank you. I will read your responses until it’s engrained within me.

And for future reference, is there a window you generally give before scrapping her and moving on when you experiencethe silence?

I now understand silence is an answer. However she could still message before then stating she would like to meet. And then what would be the move from there; would you proceed with the intended date because it’s been left open and there hasn’t been any overt closing off?
(I’m not holding out that she will, I’m simply interested in learning what moves one should make in possible further scenarios)

One thing I don’t understand is the reasoning or motive women have for stating high interest in her words to get together, then not follow through. Why not just not message altogether. What’s the point of asking how I am after sssentially two weeks of silence?

The answer is what serves you best. IF a woman does not respond to your date request or text within a reasonable time frame, is this a woman you want in my life? Her silence and distance to your date request demonstrates you are not only a low priority to her, but she also lacks respect for you as a person. If you allow such a person into your life, how will this allowance ultimately affect the positive momentum you have built in your life?

Women's natural communication is covert, that is sub-communication, indirect, dissembling, by action (deferring) or inaction (silence).

Men's natural communication is overt: communicative, direct, leading, open, undisguised.

Hence the platitude, "Judge by her actions, not her words."

The confusion in the forum the last few days is when I state to men to act covertly (by Silence and Distance) to a woman's sleight, cognitive dissonance ensues, as the very suggestion of acting covert is foreign to most men. However, when you "speak" covertly, you are speaking a woman's language--which they understand loud and clear. It's unfortunate that many men don't understand that when women employ silence and distance, they are "speaking" loud and clear too. It's men who create the illusion of interest where there is little or none.

 

[flowtheory]

The answer is what serves you best. IF a woman does not respond to your date request or text within a reasonable time frame, is this a woman you want in my life? Her silence and distance to your date request demonstrates you are not only a low priority to her, but she also lacks respect for you as a person

What would make a woman not respect a man she has only been out with once - perceivably a good time - and had a small amount of text communication where mistakes weren’t made.

What could have possibly generated more respect?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You are looking at it wrong. You are looking at it from a perspective of you having to work for her respect, or you causing her to lose respect.

Assuming you didn't make any big mistakes, the lack of respect isn't caused by you, it is a part of her nature. Nothing to do with you. If she respected you and wasn't interested in you, she would still reply to you and tell you. That's the polite thing to do. Think about a male platonic friend and how they treat you. Do you have a close friend who simply ignores you when you ask him if he wants to go have some beers? Same thing here. Just because it's a woman doesn't mean it's any different - thinking anything else means you are putting women on a pedestal. It's easy to do. But you can unlearn that with practice. Simply ask yourself how you'd feel if a friend did the same thing to you (blew you off, cancelled hang-outs without suggesting another time, didn't respond to you, etc).

 

[guru1000]

What would make a woman not respect a man she has only been out with once - perceivably a good time - and had a small amount of text communication where mistakes weren’t made.

What could have possibly generated more respect?

It's a flaw in her value system, not so much what you failed to generate.

 

[flowtheory]

Got it. I have had a huge habit - and clearly it’s still in me - of putting women on pedastools. It’s difficult to unlearn. I can often can get oneitis too.

Is the only way to let go of oneitis to see multiple women at once then realize they are all the same?

So much re-wiring to do.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You don't have to see multiple women at the same time but it helps for several reasons.
1. It is hard to be needy and focus too much on one when you are juggling three.
2. It ensures you get a lot of practice. If you only see one, it will mean you'll be without any practice for however long it takes between when things end with her and when you meet someone new (for most people who are not accomplished DJs this means a break in dating of weeks to months)
3. It affects your attitude in subconscious ways that girls pick up on. They can smell your lack of neediness, your confidence, the fact that you are busy, in-demand, and have other options.
4. It increases your confidence

Women aren't all the same, though they do share some generally consistent traits.

Focus on improving yourself, especially your confidence and your game. And get out and apply it.

 

[guru1000]

Even though abundance helps to curb your enthusiasm/neediness and incite confidence toward a positive momentum of steadfast rotations, unfortunately, you will not view all women the same no matter how many you spin or how abundant you are. There will be a few women leagues ahead of the others (relative to your value system) who will leave an imprint. Not to be confused with pedestal-ing, but nothing you can do or will do to protect yourself against it or rise above it without feeling "something." Over 1000 deep, and I'm still subject to the same proclivities as the newbie. Only difference is I'm aware of it, and act accordingly.

 

[The Diver]

It’s now Monday at 9:30am and I Still haven’t heard a single word from her.

[QUOTE="flowtheory, post: 2532385, member: 140100"]I’m thinking she’s super busy with work or something.[/QUOTE]

There is no person on this planet that can't find 5 minutes in 24 hours to respond to a text , especially in today's reality, where almost everyone glued to their phone 24/7 like it was another part of their body. The above in bold is you rationalizing her action.

In the army we used to hear the spiel : " there isn't such a thing "I CAN'T" DO IT ( when you order to do something you don't like doing ), what you mean is you YOU DON'T WANT TO do it. So in simple word, "she didn't want" to answer to your txt , and not that "she couldn't" .