Help me understand this girl's BS

[BPH]

Last night I went out for drinks with my friends and spent most of my night hanging out with this girl I'd met back in September. Let me give some background:

• Matched with this girl on Hinge who lives out near West Chester, made plans to hang out when she got back from a NY trip
• Got drinks together and hit it off, she's an au pair living with a host family and I'm 40 minutes away and live with my parents, so the night ends with a BJ(she's notably open when talking about sex; she described how it had "been a while" and that she's only had sex with a few Americans since moving here, so I think she'll probably be open to it the next time)
• Have a 2nd date at a nice bar closer to her since I figure it'd be logistically easier to hook up or go somewhere afterward. Night goes just as well as the first time around but she wants to have sex on a bed and not in a car, and doesn't want to go to a motel, so it ends with another BJ
• I try to plan a 3rd date at night with the idea to pre-book a room, but she continually declines saying that I'm never available during the day and that she thinks "all I want is sex". I told her that at that point I figured she wanted that to be an option but that if she wants to hang out during the day all she has to do is let me know. She doesn't hit me up and is often busy working for her host family so I stop reaching out, delete her number, unfollow
• She hits me through Instagram on Halloween and invites me to come out and see her in West Chester with her friends. This was what started the post I made asking about logistics and whether I should bother. I go with some friends, she's happy to see me, and we spend the night getting drunk, making out, and dancing. She's their ride and still living with her host family so she ends up leaving with her friends and I end up leaving with mine. We made plans to hang out next weekend
• Next weekend comes around and she's sick...the weekend after that she has work...the weekend after she's visiting NY etc so she's back to her old BS. She ends up drunk calling me on FaceTime talking about how hot I am, but that I only want sex, and that she's not sure when she's going to be free because of work, blah blah. She wants to see me next weekend...but then it's her friend's going away party...and the weekend after that she's away again. So again, I write her off and get on with my life. This was probably around early-mid January

So now we're caught up. Anyway...

I'm out in West Chester last night and she was there dancing with her friends and saw me. She gets all smiley and beckons me over and immediately just starts making out with me and dancing on me like she hasn't flaked on almost every plan we made. She introduces me to her hot roommate and another guy friend and tells me about how she's moved into her new spot with the roommate and doesn't have the problem of her host family anymore. I think she's still BSing, but I entertain it since now there isn't a logistics excuse.

Long story short, by the end of the night she leaves with her roommate and says she can't have me over, but the reason why is what I'm trying to understand...

She tells me how there are these 2 other guys that she's talking to and she thinks 1 of them might ask her to be his girlfriend soon. She mentions that she's been seeing him for about a month and that they've already had sex, but that she still considers herself single. She says seeing me here tonight complicated that for her because she's still very attracted to me and really wants me to come over to hers after and f*** her - going so far as to send me her address - but tells me I should just go home, and that she would be free next weekend to see me because she "thinks that'll be before the guy asks her out".

So help me understand this...I'm sure a lot of this falls under her just wanting my attention, but what she described makes no sense to me...she thought all I wanted was sex, and wasn't interested in that - but f***ed this other guy in less than a month. However, she also tells me she's not ready to be in a relationship yet - but is citing that as the reason for me not to come over, since I guess she doesn't want to screw things up with this other guy if he does ask her out. Yet still, she was willing to risk that by immediately going all-in on me at the bar in front of her roommate.

I do my best to judge people by what they DO, rather than what they SAY, but in the case of this girl, I genuinely don't understand the logic...

• Doesn't like that I just want sex...f***s different guy in under a month
• Doesn't want a boyfriend...says no to having me over because it complicates things if he asks her to be his girl
• Wants to wait for this guy to ask her out...perfectly fine spending the night making out with me in front of her roommate
• Wants to have me come over, sending me the address...changes her mind even though the guy isn't there and her roommate already saw everything

Anybody understand what's happening here?

 

[SW15]

Anybody understand what's happening here?

Everything is woman logic here and makes little to no sense. It's normal for a rational male to not understand this.

I do my best to judge people by what they DO, rather than what they SAY, but in the case of this girl, I genuinely don't understand the logic...

Keep doing that. In this case, you are getting bad mixed signals and that's never good.

You have handled this better than most beta males because you have abundance due to your height and looks.

she's an au pair living with a host family

Why is she making a big deal out of getting into a relationship? She's an au pair likely to go home to her native country soon enough.

It's understandable for a woman to want an extended relationship when she's not likely to relocate soon and is somewhat stable in life.

She says seeing me here tonight complicated that for her because she's still very attracted to me and really wants me to come over to hers after and f*** her - going so far as to send me her address - but tells me I should just go home, and that she would be free next weekend to see me because she "thinks that'll be before the guy asks her out".

She is physically attracted to you and realizes you aren't boyfriend material.

A lot of her behavior seems in line with Anti-Slut Defense (ASL). ASL crap is so annoying.

 

[filerfiler]

Simple. She’s not attracted enough to you.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

It sounds like she wants you to chase harder. What country is the Au Pair from?

Simple. She’s not attracted enough to you.

Not necessarily. I'm getting Catholic vibes tbh (or Catholic-influenced vibes)

Maybe she's a Swiftie lol

 

[BPH]

Why is she making a big deal out of getting into a relationship? She's an au pair likely to go home to her native country soon enough.

No, she wants to stay here. She's been here for a few years and likes the work and just recently got her own place.

Simple. She’s not attracted enough to you.

Everything can be distilled to that.

But she was interested enough at one point, and the reason she cited was that she didn't want "just sex", but did just that with another guy in less time - yet she's willing to risk ruining that relationship to make out with me, despite claiming she doesn't want a relationship...but that's also the reason I couldn't come over last night...

So this doesn't make sense to me.

It sounds like she wants you to chase harder. What country is the Au Pair from?

Brazil.

 

[SW15]

I'm getting Catholic vibes tbh (or Catholic-influenced vibes)

Brazil.

Latin America is historically Catholic. I'm impressed that @BillyPilgrim picked up on that.

she was interested enough at one point, and the reason she cited was that she didn't want "just sex", but did just that with another guy in less time - yet she's willing to risk ruining that relationship to make out with me, despite claiming she doesn't want a relationship...but that's also the reason I couldn't come over last night...

So this doesn't make sense to me.

That wouldn't make sense to any man.

She is physically attracted to you. She's into your height and fitness level.

I think that guy has more boyfriend potential. He might be somewhat worse on looks (maybe in the 6-7 range) but he doesn't live with his parents and has a job that gives off provider vibes.

This may be a part of what's going on with her.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Latin America is historically Catholic. I'm impressed that @BillyPilgrim picked up on that.



That wouldn't make sense to any man.

She is physically attracted to you. She's into your height and fitness level.

I think that guy has more boyfriend potential. He might be somewhat worse on looks (maybe in the 6-7 range) but he doesn't live with his parents and has a job that gives off provider vibes.

This may be a part of what's going on with her.

This intuitively sounds correct.

Brazil is not only Catholic, but this chick also has the (somewhat outdated) reputation of Brazilian girls being sweet and easy, as well as more of an exotic appeal than a typical Euro au pair would have. Some guys may value her background above a non-exotic local chick, others may not, but this chick may overstate her smv somewhat based on her being Brazilian.

I'd call her bluff on the other dude with the boyfriend potential and let her come to me if that doesn't work out. Send the message that her sitting on the pot and not sh1tting ain't going to work.

It sounds like the chick is hedging her bets.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Not sure if this is her game or doing it unconsciously, but she’s tempting you with sex while keeping it just out of reach. She excites your desire with flirtation and physical closeness but then puts up a barrier (“I’m seeing someone,” “the timing is bad,” “she is not good enough for you”), making you want her more because people crave what they can’t have.

Basically, she’s saying “Not now, but soon,” keeping the possibility open just enough to keep you chasing.

The game to play here is to isolate her from all her friends, psychologically or physically. She is always with them and they are probably all up in her ear ****blocking you. Again, it is only an assumption but it could be a reasoning as to why she is doing this.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Not sure if this is her game or doing it unconsciously, but she’s tempting you with sex while keeping it just out of reach. She excites your desire with flirtation and physical closeness but then puts up a barrier (“I’m seeing someone,” “the timing is bad,” “she is not good enough for you”), making you want her more because people crave what they can’t have.

Basically, she’s saying “Not now, but soon,” keeping the possibility open just enough to keep you chasing.

"2 more weeks"

 

[BPH]

He might be somewhat worse on looks (maybe in the 6-7 range) but he doesn't live with his parents and has a job that gives off provider vibes.

This is the only thing that would somewhat make sense to me - if seeing him was more convenient. I know nothing about the guy.

Some guys may value her background above a non-exotic local chick, others may not, but this chick may overstate her smv somewhat based on her being Brazilian.

I'd call her bluff on the other dude with the boyfriend potential and let her come to me if that doesn't work out. Send the message that her sitting on the pot and not sh1tting ain't going to work.

She's got almost 200k followers on her Instagram so I'm sure she gets plenty of validation. My ex only had a few thousand and she would regularly get offers to pay for her stuff/buy her gifts/fly her out etc so I can only imagine what that's like when you add some zeros to that number.

I'm a little confused by that last statement; let her come to me if it doesn't work out with her guy, but that doing what she's doing now and not committing isn't going to work?

making you want her more because people crave what they can’t have.

The game to play here is to isolate her from all her friends, psychologically or physically. She is always with them and they are probably all up in her ear ****blocking you. Again, it is only an assumption but it could be a reasoning as to why she is doing this.

She's certainly not making me want her more - I'd already written her off twice and moved on, assuming it was dead. And yet, twice she's picked up after a hiatus like nothing's changed.

As for the friends, the first 2 dates we went on they weren't a factor - and even when they are, she's perfectly comfortable doing almost all the same things she does with me in private. If she cared what her friends thought I'd assume she wouldn't spend the whole night making out with me in front of her roommate who presumably knows about the guy she's talking about.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

This is the only thing that would somewhat make sense to me - if seeing him was more convenient. I know nothing about the guy.



She's got almost 200k followers on her Instagram so I'm sure she gets plenty of validation. My ex only had a few thousand and she would regularly get offers to pay for her stuff/buy her gifts/fly her out etc so I can only imagine what that's like when you add some zeros to that number.

I'm a little confused by that last statement; let her come to me if it doesn't work out with her guy, but that doing what she's doing now and not committing isn't going to work?

Ya let her come to you if the other guy doesn't work out and not committing (to putting out) isn't going to work.

She gets enough validation from her 200K followers. I'm guessing here but since she has abundance but also comes from a Catholic country, she'd rather pin down an alpha-tier "good guy" than go for an apex-tier Chad or Tyrone.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Meh...actions speak louder than words. Stop worrying about her words and look at her actions.

 

[BPH]

Meh...actions speak louder than words. Stop worrying about her words and look at her actions.

Her actions not making sense is exactly why I'm confused.

• Doesn't like that I just want sex...f***s different guy in under a month
• Doesn't want a boyfriend...says no to having me over because it complicates things if he asks her to be his girl
• Wants to wait for this guy to ask her out...perfectly fine spending the night making out with me in front of her roommate
• Wants to have me come over, sending me the address...changes her mind even though the guy isn't there and her roommate already saw everything

 

[CornbreadFed]

She wants to retain control of your attention

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Her actions not making sense is exactly why I'm confused.

When you are confused it's because she isn't interested enough but you want to convince yourself she is.

 

[BPH]

When you are confused it's because she isn't interested enough but you want to convince yourself she is.

I keep thinking she's not, then she keeps popping up acting like she is - but only so much.

I don't care too much about whether she's interested, I'm just trying to understand why she's doing what she's doing...if she's not interested she doesn't have to spend her entire night making out with me at a bar after 2 separate hiatuses, so clearly there's some interest.

But if she cares about this other guy, why even bother with me? And since she IS bothering with me, she must not care that much about this other guy - yet he's (supposedly) the reason why she can't invite me over to f*** her?

That chain of nonsense is what I don't understand.

 

[CornbreadFed]

That chain of nonsense is what I don't understand.

It’s over dude, drink her off tonight and start fresh tomorrow.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I keep thinking she's not, then she keeps popping up acting like she is - but only so much.

I don't care too much about whether she's interested, I'm just trying to understand why she's doing what she's doing...if she's not interested she doesn't have to spend her entire night making out with me at a bar after 2 separate hiatuses, so clearly there's some interest.

But if she cares about this other guy, why even bother with me? And since she IS bothering with me, she must not care that much about this other guy - yet he's (supposedly) the reason why she can't invite me over to f*** her?

That chain of nonsense is what I don't understand.

Because she is keeping you as a backup option in case her first option or two don't work out.

And making your hamster spin out of control in the meantime.

 

[SW15]

She's got almost 200k followers on her Instagram so I'm sure she gets plenty of validation. My ex only had a few thousand and she would regularly get offers to pay for her stuff/buy her gifts/fly her out etc so I can only imagine what that's like when you add some zeros to that number.

That's influencer level. She has very good options from her Instagram DMs. She might be able to get flown out by top guys at that level.

She might be able to get someone at your looks level + 150,000+ annual salary or $500,000+ net worth.

if seeing him was more convenient.

Convenience could be a factor. West Chester isn't that close to the Central Philadelphia neighborhoods that are most singles dense.

In West Chester itself, it could be an older, divorced rich guy.

 

[Clockwerk50]

She's certainly not making me want her more - I'd already written her off twice and moved on, assuming it was dead. And yet, twice she's picked up after a hiatus like nothing's changed.

As for the friends, the first 2 dates we went on they weren't a factor - and even when they are, she's perfectly comfortable doing almost all the same things she does with me in private. If she cared what her friends thought I'd assume she wouldn't spend the whole night making out with me in front of her roommate who presumably knows about the guy she's talking about.

I’m operating under the assumption that if you were a top choice, she wouldn’t risk jeopardizing things. Mentioning another guy either creates temptation, stirs jealousy or maintains the illusion that she’s still invested. If you were not a top choice, by her mentioning another guy she is clearly trying to insinuate other things.

Regardless, inviting you over, tempting you with the possibility of sex, then pulling away is a power move that keeps you hooked, along with all the other mixed signals. She clearly has game by playing on your desire of sex and being ambiguous over the situation. I mentioned her friends since they likely influence her decisions somewhat (I’ve got stories about two single female roommates, but that’s for another day).

All in all, the question remains, will she see you next week, or will she flake again? You have the choice to take your ball and go home or keep playing the game.