Tip: Women will pick up on your insecurity

[Pandora]

The following is something that I wish I had know in my 20s and early 30s. Women are constantly probing for your insecurities. They are very insecure themselves so they are experts at detecting it in others. This is especially true of toxic women. Women will pick up on subtle behaviors you exhibit due to insecurity so make sure you resolve these issues before you start dating. I will give you a couple examples.

During sophomore year of college I used to look at myself in mirrors a lot. I was a high self monitor and must of been insecure with my looks. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. I always consciously felt confident but I guess subconsciously that was not the case. I was walking back to my dorm with this one cute girl that I really liked. We were going to make out and she made the observation that I keep looking in mirrors. I was surprised and slightly embarrassed. I still ended up getting to 2nd base with her because her interest was so high that she didn't care about my quirk.

When I lived on a island there was this cute black island chick that I was obsessed with. She was very observant. She once noticed that I talk black around my black friends. She said I talk regular around non black people. This was subtle but she noticed it. I was embarrassed but I was glad that she pointed it out. I made out with her once and then she pulled back. I became depressed and simped hard for her. Then I raged out against her via text and needed validation and hooked up with another girl. Needless to say I failed her shyt test because my inner game was bad. I was 25 so I forgive myself lol.

So please do a deep delve into your psyche. Cleanse any self love issues you have because women will pick up on them. They are experts at this.

 

[BPH]

I'd say this boils down to the fact that a lot of little things aren't an issue unless you let them be.

 

[Solomon]

Anytime I have gone through down periods in my life and tried to be "vulnerable" with women my insecurity has seeped through.
The reality is a lot of women will deem it as a redflag. I don't blame them but it is what it is

IMO a lot of men would benefit doing therapy as well

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You should have hit her up with some KRS One lyrics and been like...

"I get a pen, a pencil, a marker...
Mainly what I write is for the average New Yorker..
Some MCs be talkin' and talkin', trying to show how black people are walkin'...
But I don't walk this way to portray...
Or reinforce stereotypes of the day...
Like all my brothers eat Chicken and Watermelon...
Talk broken English and Drug Selling..."

 

[jhonny9546]

Anytime I have gone through down periods in my life and tried to be "vulnerable" with women my insecurity has seeped through.
The reality is a lot of women will deem it as a redflag. I don't blame them but it is what it is

IMO a lot of men would benefit doing therapy as well

Being vulnerable satisfies your need to talk about it.
But it makes you look insecure. It projects an image of yourself as insecure to others.

 

[Solomon]

Being vulnerable satisfies your need to talk about it.
But it makes you look insecure. It projects an image of yourself as insecure to others.

This is why for men we don't open up to women but maybe other men, cause it's a sign of weakness

 

[BeExcellent]

Women can smell insecurity on a man. If she *really* likes you she'll deal with some of it, or even point it out as Pandora's island crush did, but its a hard wired thing to a great degree, but it is not rooted in women's insecurity.

It is rooted in a woman's need for security; for safety and protection. If you are so vain or insecure that you've got to look in the mirror all the time or need to fit in so bad you pick up the group dialect, it suggests subconsciously that you are lacking in confidence and you might run away if facing a real threat.

And that's s big deal because women and children need to feel a man or that dad is capable of physically protecting his family. That is biology at work in modern social dynamics. It is much deeper than she is insecure so she recognizes if you are insecure. It gets to her most basic need for safety/security.

 

[jhonny9546]

One thing that has been brought up to me by you all, which I firmly disagree with, is the notion that you shouldn't set boundaries for a woman, because it might make you appear insecure. In my opinion, this perspective is both disconnected and misguided. A woman is essentially an baby in an adult body, but she benefit from a man who establishes healthy boundaries for her within the context of their shared life.

For instance, if you are in a LTR with children, it's important to communicate to your wife that while she can practice yoga, you will not tolerate her doing so in environments where there are other men, like a gym. Instead, she could practice in a private space or at a facility that caters specifically to women. Similarly, if your wife has a job, it's essential to evaluate the dynamics of that workplace and who she interacts with. (My BIL kept her relationship with my sister because my sister work in a place with only women. My cousing lost his wife because She had a job in a manly environment, a warehouse).

I’m not sure how this perspective translates to women, but in relationships, if you fail to set limits like these, she may act based on her emotions. If she chooses to disregard these boundaries, it's your responsibility to implement appropriate consequences. If she does not accept the boundaries, I tend to become more silent and detached. If she accepts but does not respect the boundaries, I consider walking away.

Rollo Tomassi states that "water takes the shape of the container it's in," and I find this to be profoundly true.
This approach comes naturally to me, not from a place of insecurity, but from a position of assertiveness. Like a father telling to a child.
I believe that if there are boundaries in a relationship and they are crossed (not merely tested or touched), it signifies the end of that relationship. What do you guys consider insecure or feminine about this behavior? I fail to understand; it seems quite safe to me!

It's akin to raising a daughter: you must guide her with clear expectations and boundaries.
The same if you have a male child.

 

[BeExcellent]

Um. Women are not children in adult bodies. Well some in their 20s might be, but you are not going to tell a female physician or nurse or physical therapist for example where she can or cannot work in a gender integrated society. She will work where the jobs are. In a hospital (for example) that is going to be around lots of men, including some very successful male doctors.

I travel for business. It is required in my career. I work with many male executives & physicians and have since age 22. My husband two weeks after he met said, "I don't like that you have children, and I don't like that you travel for work....."

I was not upset. I simply said, "Ok. Then I'm not the girl for you," and I GOT UP to leave the restaurant. He followed me into the parking lot & asked me to stay. I told him "Look. I cannot change the fact that I have children, I cannot change the fact that my work requires business travel. Those are structural elements of my life, and if that doesn't work for you then this cannot go forward. Simple. No big deal....."

He told me "I know. I have to deal with that. I want to keep seeing you."

So my point is to understand that in non Muslim cultures anyway, you as a man are not going to be able to dictate all this stuff you *think* you are. Not if you want a woman with a good head on her shoulders and her act together. She IS in fact an adult, capable of supporting herself, and capable of being a functional member of society. And a quality woman is going to expect a man to understand and respect that.

Your job as a man is to screen for the kind of woman you want. If you want a "child in an adult body" then good luck with that.....there are those women out there and they have issues to deal with too.

My husband does not have to support me, or support my children for example. They are not his responsibility, they are my responsibility as well as their father's. And only the youngest remains at home finishing high school. The older two are launched into adult life already. My husband does not need to rescue me from myself or set boundaries for me. I had a great father who raised me correctly, who did a great job with all four of us daughters.

A woman who has achieved something in her own life (like owning a business or completing medical school) has worked too hard to allow some man to arbitrarily set "boundaries" that preclude her striving toward her goals.

And mature men who are confident do not feel the need to do this. It is immature men who think this is appropriate.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Women can pick up on your insecurities even when you're not around them. I am convinced there is some cosmic force of nature that lets them pick up on it.

That's why I've always thought it was asinine how men try to use certain tactics to appear confident and assured, eg like plate spinning or feigning indifference. You either have it or you don't, and she will know.

 

[BadBoy89]

A woman who has achieved something in her own life (like owning a business or completing medical school) has worked too hard to allow some man to arbitrarily set "boundaries" that preclude her striving toward her goals.

And mature men who are confident do not feel the need to do this. It is immature men who think this is appropriate.

Men care if the women has children and he doesn't (and wants them)

Generally men don't care if the women works and his striving towards her goals.. Yet they will care if the women works and gets "friendly" with other guys at her workplace.

Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni anyone? Apparently Ryan Reynolds, 6'0, handsome, 48 year old movie star with 4 children and millions in the bank, was jealous, his 37 year old wife was getting close to Justin during the movie. It was HIS idea for the lawsuit.

Now if Ryan Reynolds can't handle it, you can't tell layman on Sosuave not to get jealous.

 

[BeExcellent]

Men care if the women has children and he doesn't (and wants them)

Generally men don't care if the women works and his striving towards her goals.. Yet they will care if the women works and gets "friendly" with other guys at her workplace.

Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni anyone? Apparently Ryan Reynolds, 6'0, handsome, 48 year old movie star with 4 children and millions in the bank, was jealous, his 37 year old wife was getting close to Justin during the movie. It was HIS idea for the lawsuit.

Now if Ryan Reynolds can't handle it, you can't tell layman on Sosuave not to get jealous.

Where in that did you get being "overly friendly" with men? Listen. This is why character matters in a woman. I'm into MY husband. Men hit on me everywhere from the security line at the airport, to on the plane, the grocery store, the coffee shop. Sometimes right in front of my kids.....and if my husband goes to the men's room. NONE of these guys have a snowball's chance in hell because I'm loyal. Period.

Women with character are not poachable.

So if you didn't choose a secure loyal woman? Nobody can help you my man.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Where in that did you get being "overly friendly" with men? Listen. This is why character matters in a woman. I'm into MY husband. Men hit on me everywhere from the security line at the airport, to on the plane, the grocery store, the coffee shop. Sometimes right in front of my kids.....and if my husband goes to the men's room. NONE of these guys have a snowball's chance in hell because I'm loyal. Period.

Women with character are not poachable.

So if you didn't choose a secure loyal woman? Nobody can help you my man.

90% of most men's problems with women come from screening only with their eyes and d!ck when it comes to deciding if a woman is worth getting in an LTR with.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Women will pick up on such things, as will everyone else. It's not just a fluke that real life equivalents of Alan Harper never get beyond middle management. Even in these thin skinned times, the jittery and easily offended make for energy depleting company

 

[BadBoy89]

Where in that did you get being "overly friendly" with men? Listen. This is why character matters in a woman. I'm into MY husband. Men hit on me everywhere from the security line at the airport, to on the plane, the grocery store, the coffee shop. Sometimes right in front of my kids.....and if my husband goes to the men's room. NONE of these guys have a snowball's chance in hell because I'm loyal. Period.

Women with character are not poachable.

So if you didn't choose a secure loyal woman? Nobody can help you my man.

Wasnt talking about you, was talking in general terms.

 

[plumber]

Um. Women are not children in adult bodies. Well some in their 20s might be, but you are not going to tell a female physician or nurse or physical therapist for example where she can or cannot work in a gender integrated society. She will work where the jobs are. In a hospital (for example) that is going to be around lots of men, including some very successful male doctors.

I travel for business. It is required in my career. I work with many male executives & physicians and have since age 22. My husband two weeks after he met said, "I don't like that you have children, and I don't like that you travel for work....."

I was not upset. I simply said, "Ok. Then I'm not the girl for you," and I GOT UP to leave the restaurant. He followed me into the parking lot & asked me to stay. I told him "Look. I cannot change the fact that I have children, I cannot change the fact that my work requires business travel. Those are structural elements of my life, and if that doesn't work for you then this cannot go forward. Simple. No big deal....."

He told me "I know. I have to deal with that. I want to keep seeing you."

So my point is to understand that in non Muslim cultures anyway, you as a man are not going to be able to dictate all this stuff you *think* you are. Not if you want a woman with a good head on her shoulders and her act together. She IS in fact an adult, capable of supporting herself, and capable of being a functional member of society. And a quality woman is going to expect a man to understand and respect that.

Your job as a man is to screen for the kind of woman you want. If you want a "child in an adult body" then good luck with that.....there are those women out there and they have issues to deal with too.

My husband does not have to support me, or support my children for example. They are not his responsibility, they are my responsibility as well as their father's. And only the youngest remains at home finishing high school. The older two are launched into adult life already. My husband does not need to rescue me from myself or set boundaries for me. I had a great father who raised me correctly, who did a great job with all four of us daughters.

A woman who has achieved something in her own life (like owning a business or completing medical school) has worked too hard to allow some man to arbitrarily set "boundaries" that preclude her striving toward her goals.

And mature men who are confident do not feel the need to do this. It is immature men who think this is appropriate.

What I get from this is that HE does not like your travel, likely because it puts you into the field of view of many poachers. You negotiated by insisting on your way. He gave in/compromised, you did not. You did exactly what men are supposed to do. For example he should have been the one to go ahead and walk. But has a weaker frame than you do.

Men do this all the time; compromise while women insist on there way. Sometimes women will follow the man, and that's the situation we should look for. All kinds of exceptions of course, but just in general.

This and other posts, sounds like your winning the battle for alpha.

 

[BeExcellent]

What I get from this is that HE does not like your travel, likely because it puts you into the field of view of many poachers. You negotiated by insisting on your way. He gave in/compromised, you did not. You did exactly what men are supposed to do. For example he should have been the one to go ahead and walk. But has a weaker frame than you do.

Men do this all the time; compromise while women insist on there way. Sometimes women will follow the man, and that's the situation we should look for. All kinds of exceptions of course, but just in general.

This and other posts, sounds like your winning the battle for alpha.

Well he's not proposing for him to support me and for me to give up my income either now is he? He's not proposing supporting my daughter. Pros & cons.

Its not about being "alpha".

If you started dating a gal making over 200K a year are you going to have her give up that income engine so you can support her financially? No? The only men who will do that are multimillionares with million dollar plus income per year who find having a woman at his beck & call more important than her contribution to the couple's income stream. Is my husband planning to fund my daughter's university? My retirement? No?

Then I need to retain my lucrative income pal. Pretty simple. My husband makes six figures. He can spend his money on his sport, events, travel and hobbies. I'm not a financial burden to him.

But if you are so wealthy you can tell someone making 250K per year you can afford her lifestyle and she can stop working to devote herself to you? More power to you. But I doubt you are that guy. This is not about "alpha". Not at all.

My son is doing the trad con thing. His wife does not work, will be a dedicated wife & mother and my son is the sole breadwinner. That is awesome and I support them 100%, but that isn't how my life went.

It works for us as my husband isn't interested in a financially dependent woman. And I'm happy taking care of my responsibilities that existed before I met him. We both invest in the relationship & the things we do together & for one another. It works well.

Pros & cons.

 

[BeExcellent]

Wasnt talking about you, was talking in general terms.

Fair enough. My point simply is that character matters. More than most anything else. And character has nothing to do with looks or "hotness".

In fact I believe the more beautiful a woman is the more character matters, because beatiful women are bombarded constantly by males seeking attention etc.

For this reason also character is not always present in a beautiful woman if she has learned to leverage her looks in exchange for something transactional.

There are beautiful nightmares everywhere and some men here have the scars to show for involvement with such women.

 

[Pandora]

Women can smell insecurity on a man. If she *really* likes you she'll deal with some of it, or even point it out as Pandora's island crush did, but its a hard wired thing to a great degree, but it is not rooted in women's insecurity.

It is rooted in a woman's need for security; for safety and protection. If you are so vain or insecure that you've got to look in the mirror all the time or need to fit in so bad you pick up the group dialect, it suggests subconsciously that you are lacking in confidence and you might run away if facing a real threat.

And that's s big deal because women and children need to feel a man or that dad is capable of physically protecting his family. That is biology at work in modern social dynamics. It is much deeper than she is insecure so she recognizes if you are insecure. It gets to her most basic need for safety/security.

Yes I agree with you. I can admit that I was wrong. It is probably rooted in her need for security rather than her insecurity.

 

[Pandora]

One thing that has been brought up to me by you all, which I firmly disagree with, is the notion that you shouldn't set boundaries for a woman, because it might make you appear insecure. In my opinion, this perspective is both disconnected and misguided. A woman is essentially an baby in an adult body, but she benefit from a man who establishes healthy boundaries for her within the context of their shared life.

For instance, if you are in a LTR with children, it's important to communicate to your wife that while she can practice yoga, you will not tolerate her doing so in environments where there are other men, like a gym. Instead, she could practice in a private space or at a facility that caters specifically to women. Similarly, if your wife has a job, it's essential to evaluate the dynamics of that workplace and who she interacts with. (My BIL kept her relationship with my sister because my sister work in a place with only women. My cousing lost his wife because She had a job in a manly environment, a warehouse).

I’m not sure how this perspective translates to women, but in relationships, if you fail to set limits like these, she may act based on her emotions. If she chooses to disregard these boundaries, it's your responsibility to implement appropriate consequences. If she does not accept the boundaries, I tend to become more silent and detached. If she accepts but does not respect the boundaries, I consider walking away.

Rollo Tomassi states that "water takes the shape of the container it's in," and I find this to be profoundly true.
This approach comes naturally to me, not from a place of insecurity, but from a position of assertiveness. Like a father telling to a child.
I believe that if there are boundaries in a relationship and they are crossed (not merely tested or touched), it signifies the end of that relationship. What do you guys consider insecure or feminine about this behavior? I fail to understand; it seems quite safe to me!

It's akin to raising a daughter: you must guide her with clear expectations and boundaries.
The same if you have a male child.

Women feel safe when you set up reasonable boundaries with her ( despite her protests). This is just like how children feel safe when their parents have boundaries for them.

It only makes you look insecure if your boundaries are insecure and unreasonable. Basically Adam 22 does not look more secure because he let Lena you know what. She wanted him to set a boundary and he failed.