Letting go of past trauma that is negatively impacting my confidence

[inquisitor]

To keep it short, college was a terrible time in my life and it compounded in to me struggling career & life wise until like 30. I can’t unsee and undo what happened, so those memories, experiences, and consequences continue to haunt me and negatively affect my confidence. I’ve considered therapy, but I am pretty skeptical on that option. Anyone else can relate?

Read up on Rian Stone. I believe he agrees on faking it until you're making it.

Note that his advice works if you are truly capable of humility. Not humility to become arrogant, not humility as a bragging point, but humility because you are humble, and you are willing to learn more about anything in life, and that includes interacting with women.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Yeah... Being driven to a garrishly overpriced prep school in the family Rolls Royce each morning, while the kids on the other side of town have to rely on public school buses(Which may or may not show up)that cart them off to gang infested sh-tholes masquerading as places of erudition, is guaranteed to give just about anyone in your shoes PTSD

Every person’s reality is relative to their surroundings. Being concerned over what was happening in another different zip code made my life situation any better. People in Rolls Royces have completely different problems than people outside their tax bracket. This is why I find it cringe when people outside the wealthy try and make themselves relatable to the wealthy when they have more in common with the person living off food stamps.

From here we can still only infer, we don't know what was said at your company retreat that triggered the response you had. What I can tell you and just about almost everyone on this forum about Rich White Suburbia is this, you will never be a part of it. Even though you will never be a part of it doesn't mean you can't benefit from it. You can still get women from that crowd, make friends from that crowd, and get some of the same jobs they get but you won't fully be a part of it no matter what you do. You have to be born into it.

Even people born into it can easily not be a part of it. I was quite close to that crowd and backstabbing, gossip, and throwing someone under the bus is the name of the game. Even the people you see on the outside looking in as friends and one happy community are rarely that. The amount of times I have seen frat bros have a falling out over a girl is insane.

You just have to accept that if you haven't already and carve out your own niche.

Women wise I have accepted that I will never be the 6ft 4 white Chad dude and moved on from that. I used to only want to date the Sratty/Taylor Swift type white girl because I pedestalled the **** out of them. Yes, I managed to date them, but my dating life was full of gas lighting, inconsistency, and dry spells. After expanding my palette, I haven't really looked back at them and find it disturbing that I used to think like this. However, I did have to carve out my own niche in that world, but it does suck having to constantly play the game of thrones and dealing with certain trauma triggers that may appear occassionally.

Corporate America is just Chad's world, but women & certain men of color get the benefit of DEI & Affirmative Action to climb it. Outside that, you are basically a cog in a machine trying to survive the game of thrones. I switched to sales to increase my earning potentials, but we have these quarterly retreats where they just basically take a giant shvt on you if you aren't the company's golden children. I am not going to go to the next retreat because I have a feeling, that I might have Covid 19 or the flu during it lol.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Read up on Rian Stone. I believe he agrees on faking it until you're making it.

Note that his advice works if you are truly capable of humility. Not humility to become arrogant, not humility as a bragging point, but humility because you are humble, and you are willing to learn more about anything in life, and that includes interacting with women.

I don't believe this helps out anyone long term. Yes, this is helpful in certain situations that are one-time instances, but long term this is a failing strategy.

 

[Mike32ct]

Read up on Rian Stone. I believe he agrees on faking it until you're making it.

Note that his advice works if you are truly capable of humility. Not humility to become arrogant, not humility as a bragging point, but humility because you are humble, and you are willing to learn more about anything in life, and that includes interacting with women.

Humble people have a very hard time acting fake. It goes against their nature.

 

[inquisitor]

I don't believe this helps out anyone long term. Yes, this is helpful in certain situations that are one-time instances, but long term this is a failing strategy.

Right, it is not a sustainable strategy for long-term goals.

It worked for me in the short-term and in the beginning, and I am even more genuine now than I ever believed I could be, as I was aided by this initial step. It's a risky step for the arrogant ones as they end up drowning in their fakeness.

 

[inquisitor]

Humble people have a very hard time acting fake. It goes against their nature.

I used to be as humble as a doormat. I am humble still (and I am aware of how arrogant that might sound, but I know when I am arrogant and when I am not, and at the very least I do my best to be aware of my own tendencies) but nevertheless, going against my "nature" in these hard times opened up a world of possibilities for me. I had to confront my shadow (thanks, Jung) and accept another side of me that exists.

Now, I know better to assert myself, and I am realer than ever before.

Although, part of what made me break through this attitude (not nature, as I didn't view it as such), involved my personal struggles with an autoimmune disorder, and many failed interactions with girls in schools until the pandemic arrived.

 

[inquisitor]

I don't believe this helps out anyone long term. Yes, this is helpful in certain situations that are one-time instances, but long term this is a failing strategy.

I am not applying only this in my daily life anymore when talking to girls, by the way. (Well, in some cases in life where I have low confidence and experience in general, I work real hard on the tasks and show up for myself even though I do not feel like myself, because I am all that I have and I know I can be better.)

This is one part of an overall attitude that should work for anyone willing and accepting enough to make it work.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Right, it is not a sustainable strategy for long-term goals.

It worked for me in the short-term and in the beginning, and I am even more genuine now than I ever believed I could be, as I was aided by this initial step. It's a risky step for the arrogant ones as they end up drowning in their fakeness.

Have you heard of Imposter Syndrome?

 

[inquisitor]

Have you heard of Imposter Syndrome?

Yes, I have.

Also part of the equation that I forgot to mention is honesty. I had to be honest with myself on where I lack, and it is true that there is room for improvement everywhere, every time.

Arrogance fails because the truth is muddled. One is either confused or misaligned with their goals because the ego gets in the way.

The challenge for me was, and still is, to avoid this muddling, by being clear whether what I tell myself is true or not, or whether what I do is good or not, in a rational and grounded sense. Every day, it is still something I work on.

This is not contradictory to the "fake it 'til you make it" attitude, whereas this is just one of many tools a novice DJ better be having up his sleeve to get the results he wants. It sounds genuine when reframed as "I'm imitating the facets of my heroes that I deem helpful, and I am enacting another good version that I favor, for my own context in life, such as to build me up and become a better version of myself that in the end, has facets that are uniquely mine".

 

[typical]

Some hard truth's you need to face and accept as this constant looking back with regret is going to do more harm to you than good.

1) Everyone born has their own struggle in life. How you overcome this struggle and build your character is more important than what that struggle was.

2) College/University isn't some sexual utopia ! Yes getting sex from desirable women is much easier but so is ending up with no qualification and a massive student loan ! Most of us had to work hard at University and the more socially adept managed to get regularily laid.

3) Modern therapy is geared towards the demasculation of Men and turn them into emotional wrecks dependant on the approval seeking behaviour we normally see from women. They will get you to "look into your childhood and relationship with your mother and open up to your feminine side to fix your masculine inability to deal with emotions" .............. I've had a perfromance coach try and get me to open up my feminine side to become a better yachtsmen LOL. It's garbage mindgames that will leave you in a worse state.

4) Very few people realise their lifelong dreams and ambitions working in the Corporate world, unless you become a high profile investment banker or attorney you will forever be stuck being a bureaucratic felcer for 10-15 years and then in your late 30s to mid 40's you'll get your reward for being a good slave !

As a Man you're supposed to be a problem fixer and have the ability to strive towards your goals. Sitting there worrying about missed opportunities in whatever facet of life isn't the answer. You learn from your mistakes of yesterday to build a better tomorrow. Looking back in regret will NOT help. I would advise reading up Stoicisim and building your own toolset on how to cope with these issues.

 

[GoodMan32]

I think many men will be able to relate. It seems like there was trauma on multiple levels, both related to attracting/seducing women and other aspects of life.

I think a lot of men end up disappointed with their college sexual marketplace experiences. This forum has 2 good college sex threads below. For a lot of men, the college sex experience doesn't match up with their expectations entering college. In college, freshman males have a narrower dating pool whereas freshman females are desired by other freshmen, upperclassmen, graduate students, and even men in the working world. The marketplace is imbalanced at first. The college sex experience can get better from sophomore-senior years. Most guys aren't scoring all that much, even at "party schools" and most opt for some sort of girlfriend (if they can even get one) in order to get semi regular college sex.

Observations about college sex life from someone that went to a party school.

I thought I'd share this as someone who went to a party school and was in a fraternity there as well. Not wanting to give too much about myself but I went to UGA and graduated a few years ago. While Athens has its hot girls, I do feel like the quality got worse every year due to the admission...

www.sosuave.net

The college hype is unreal, true players get how overrated it is.

Looking back at it, I am amazed at how big the hype around college truly was. Maybe my boy @CornbreadFed and @SW15 could speak on this but I speak with so many guys who seem to have peaked in college and don't realize how beautiful life can get after it. FWIW, I was in a fraternity in college, a...

www.sosuave.net

Therapy is very limited in what it can do for a man from a dating perspective. The changes that a man might see in his dating life are usually incremental at best after completing 1+ years of therapy.

Going to therapy is unlikely to make a man a better real life approacher. It's possible that therapy that can help with some social awkwardness in approaches and it might help some men make better first impressions. Better first impressions aren't automatic 'yes' responses to getting first dates from approaches. A better first impression might mean changing a 'hard no where a woman feels ick' to a 'meh and forgettable' feeling. Going to therapy is also not going to get a man more right swipes on a swipe app. It's not going to change much with how well he turns his swipe app matches into first dates. It probably won't make too much of a difference on his reply rate on Instagram DM's either. The best thing that men can do with getting more first dates is building a more attractive physique in the gym. Older men (35+) will often benefit from the @Mike32ct identified combo of good height, good hairline, and money.

I could make an argument that therapy might help with longer form first dates. However, I tend to think the effects of therapy on dating outcomes are more meaningful as a interaction goes on. If a man is unable to get that first spark, having better mental health is not going to make a lot of a difference.

I don't think couples therapy/counseling is all that valuable in fixing what ails longer term relationships, but that's more of a topic for a different thread.

Therapy might be worth doing solely for yourself. It depends on a number of factors. If the primary problem is dating, then traditional psychotherapy will be limited on what it can do.

Well-said about the part where you pointed out that therapy will do very little to make a man a better approacher.

I did online therapy in 2023 with a long-distance therapist. I then did in-person therapy in 2024 with a local therapist.

In both cases, I was essentially told by the therapist "Just accept the risk of rejection." Which isn't helpful at all. Even if I were to get over my phobia of rejection, getting over my phobia won't do much to change my success rate.

Telling me "Accept the risk of rejection" is a lot like telling a fat chick "Fat is beautiful." In both cases, you're telling the other party to embrace something negative.

 

[The Duke]

Well-said about the part where you pointed out that therapy will do very little to make a man a better approacher.

I did online therapy in 2023 with a long-distance therapist. I then did in-person therapy in 2024 with a local therapist.

In both cases, I was essentially told by the therapist "Just accept the risk of rejection." Which isn't helpful at all. Even if I were to get over my phobia of rejection, getting over my phobia won't do much to change my success rate.

Telling me "Accept the risk of rejection" is a lot like telling a fat chick "Fat is beautiful." In both cases, you're telling the other party to embrace something negative.

You and Corrector are a lot alike. Both experts at coming up with reasons you shouldn't/can't do something. Smart Guys.

But, I want to point out one thing...women often seek protectors, leaders, and men that generally make them feel safe. They want men to be brave as she knows that will serve her well. With that being said, how do you think a woman views a man that is too afraid to approach because she might tell him "no"?

Approaching is the ultimate form of a first test the woman uses to sort out men. A man that is too afraid to approach conveys to the woman he is weak and not a good candidate. It also says he lacks confidence, cares too much about what others think, lacks moxy, lacks grit, lacks boldness, lacks social skills which are all things women are attracted to.

When you get rejected, don't take it personal. Its very egotistical/narcissistic to do so. None of us are going to be universally attractive.

Can you really blame a woman for not wanting to be with a man that fears rejection? He totally lacks most all qualities she finds mentally attractive.

 

[GoodMan32]

You and Corrector are a lot alike. Both experts at coming up with reasons you shouldn't/can't do something. Smart Guys.

But, I want to point out one thing...women often seek protectors, leaders, and men that generally make them feel safe. They want men to be brave as she knows that will serve her well. With that being said, how do you think a woman views a man that is too afraid to approach because she might tell him "no"?

Approaching is the ultimate form of a first test the woman uses to sort out men. A man that is too afraid to approach conveys to the woman he is weak and not a good candidate. It also says he lacks confidence, cares too much about what others think, lacks moxy, lacks grit, lacks boldness, lacks social skills which are all things women are attracted to.

When you get rejected, don't take it personal. Its very egotistical/narcissistic to do so. None of us are going to be universally attractive.

Can you really blame a woman for not wanting to be with a man that fears rejection? He totally lacks most all qualities she finds mentally attractive.

If a man is too afraid of rejection to approach a certain woman in the first place, and she's not the type to approach a guy, your question of "can you really blame her for not wanting to be with a man who fears rejection" is moot.

Here's the thing (to address your insinuation that men who fear rejection are cowards):

-I've done long-distance moves to places where I knew no one.
-I've also gotten on an airplane before to visit various places (sometimes a place I had been before, sometimes a place I had never been), for no reason other than because I wanted to.
-At a past job, I worked swing shift, which meant I'd ride public transportation home in the wee hours of the evening, often being the only white person in sight (in addition to being socially awkward and weighing less than the typical woman). Most white broads wouldn't dare to do that. Hell, even a decent amount of white men bigger than me wouldn't dare to do that.

Everyone is different as far as what we can handle. The examples I illustrated prove I'm plenty adventurous/daring/brave in some ways. Rejection just so happens to be my weakness (we all have a weakness)

Furthermore, in the instances where I have expressed interest in a broad, I get rejected over 90% of the time. At that point, it becomes personal.

When your self-esteem is as low as mine, it's hard to approach a woman, knowing there's over a 90% chance she's going to shatter my already nonexistent self-esteem.

 

[GoodMan32]

You and Corrector are a lot alike. Both experts at coming up with reasons you shouldn't/can't do something. Smart Guys.

But, I want to point out one thing...women often seek protectors, leaders, and men that generally make them feel safe. They want men to be brave as she knows that will serve her well. With that being said, how do you think a woman views a man that is too afraid to approach because she might tell him "no"?

Approaching is the ultimate form of a first test the woman uses to sort out men. A man that is too afraid to approach conveys to the woman he is weak and not a good candidate. It also says he lacks confidence, cares too much about what others think, lacks moxy, lacks grit, lacks boldness, lacks social skills which are all things women are attracted to.

When you get rejected, don't take it personal. Its very egotistical/narcissistic to do so. None of us are going to be universally attractive.

Can you really blame a woman for not wanting to be with a man that fears rejection? He totally lacks most all qualities she finds mentally attractive.

And most importantly (on the topic of therapy): My therapists never even did any exercises to address why my self-esteem is low in the first place.

Any therapist who tells a client "just get over your fear" without addressing why your fear exists (and at least attempting to fix your fear) is a sucky therapist.

I'm not very confident these therapists could have done anything to help my fear. But you'd think a therapist would at least make an attempt.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Our thoughts and beliefs about past events-whether we label them "traumas" or not-are what shape us, and CAN(If we're willing to do the sometimes uncomfortable work of investigating and deconstructing them)also reshape us

Example: The 55 year old paralegal who continues to tell herself a story like

"I SHOULD have worn panties to that keg party during my freshmen year at Vanderbuilt... I am every bit the dunderhead and no-goodnik that Mummy always said I was, for getting piss drunk off vodka and cranberry juice that night. And those Neanderthals on the lacrosse team SHOULD NOT have exploited my drunken state and lack of panties, by bending me over the pool table, then giving my poonany and bunghole a workout that left me walking funny for a couple of months afterwards"

WILL almost certainly remain disturbed by those
thoughts. All of which are overloaded with what Ellis and Burns dubbed Shoulding/Musturbation and Labelling. By contrast, someone who went through that same situation who instead thinks to herself:

"The lacrosse team regularly joked that they f-cked me so hard, I could barely walk for the next several weeks after I went to that keg party pantyless. Since '04 though I've been a quadriplegic, after stealing Christopher Reeve's horse and attempting to jump that thing over a chain link fence, during a cocaine-fueled attempt to demonstrate that I really was Superwoman... Now, I actually wouldn't mind the lacrosse team dropping by my house, and f-cking me so hard, that I REGAIN the use of my legs!!!"

Will likely feel twisted amusement over these same events, rather than being mired in despair and misery

Events are value-neutral. We choose the meanings we assign to them, even if we're not conscious of the fact that we're assigning meanings to things