What do you think?

[manfromitaly]

My summer is going well, I had a night of sex with a Swedish girl on vacation and recently I went out with a girl younger than me and we had sex.

But lately I've seen her detached, she wanted a serious relationship, she told me she doesn't want me to smoke, she wants to do it with a condom and that's fine too.

But now it takes her longer to reply to messages and I think she does it on purpose.

Is it time to let go? I liked it and wouldn't have minded continuing.
But I think she's changed his mind.

 

[BPH]

Let go of what? You mention SHE wants a serious relationship, meaning YOU probably don't, so why does it matter whether she takes longer to reply?

Talk to more girls and you won't care what 1 girl does.

 

[manfromitaly]

I would also like a long relationship, and I'm also going to meet her, but I see her as a little detached, the sex went well, I don't know what happened.

It's clear that she's lost interest, she's declined an invitation to go out without asking me again another day.

I went to eat where she works with friends (she works in our friend's restaurant, I didn't go there to see her) We talked for a while, she didn't want me to give her a kiss to say goodbye, she told me in a whisper that she likes me, but the facts say otherwise, she's detached, takes hours to reply to me and doesn't invest in messages like before.

The only thing I can do is not write to her again for a few days and see if she shows up

 

[Gamisch]

It hurts but you know the deal, right?

Sometimes women operate backwards, and despite the belief that intimacy makes tbem bond, they'll lose interest...

Gotta let her go and carry that notch with pride!!

 

[manfromitaly]

That's right, unfortunately, it's a shame I liked it.

The last time I heard from her she replied to a message after 8 hours.

I didn't even answer, we haven't spoken for 3 days now.

I'm already focusing on other girls

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

You failed the congruency test, she knows you now and her attraction has dwindled.

 

[manfromitaly]

Where do you think I went wrong? Did I show her too much interest? actually not even that much, maybe she just wanted to win me over because I was a challenge for her at the beginning

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Where do you think I went wrong? Did I show her too much interest? actually not even that much, maybe she just wanted to win me over because I was a challenge for her at the beginning

There is no way of knowing. Unless this is a consistent problem that occurs over and over again under the same set of circumstances with many different women, it's not even worth worrying about.

Because the real reason might make no sense at all to you if you knew it. Just chalk it up to she didn't enjoy something about the interaction and/or saw no future with you and leave it at that.

Or, as always these days, could be another guy in the picture she prefers.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Where do you think I went wrong? Did I show her too much interest? actually not even that much, maybe she just wanted to win me over because I was a challenge for her at the beginning

No, the clue is here:

But lately I've seen her detached, she wanted a serious relationship, she told me she doesn't want me to smoke, she wants to do it with a condom and that's fine too.

That's where you failed.

It's a subtle thing, but women test whether you are malleable. And the outcome of that test influences their attachment. In your case, negatively, so I guess you should've been less malleable and more disagreeable to keep holding her interest.

 

[manfromitaly]

I understand, but she wanted me not to smoke because her grandfather had cancer, but given that in fact lately I was smoking too much so I decided to switch to an electronic cigarette, the other request was to do it with a condom, understandable. Maybe as said by backinthegame it's not even worth worrying about.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I understand, but she wanted me not to smoke because her grandfather had cancer, but given that in fact lately I was smoking too much so I decided to switch to an electronic cigarette, the other request was to do it with a condom, understandable. Maybe as said by backinthegame it's not even worth worrying about.

BITG is right about not 'worrying' about it. Worrying about anything is rarely productive. However, I think it's good to 'analyse' why you have/get relationship problems. So BITG advice to just blithely hop to the next woman without understanding where a previous relationship went wrong is bad advice.

Like I stated in previous posts, I counsel people with C-PTSD and many of them are BPD/NPD, so I'm familiar with drama that seems to come from nowhere and people giving me 'justifications' for their behaviour that make no logical sense. Many men fall in the trap of looking at women's behaviour from their own male perspective.

Like the way a man needs to respond to a woman who tells him about her problems. Many men think they are supposed to come up with a solution, but most women just want to vent and all you need to do is commiserate and comfort. This is a trivial but common situation that takes only a little experience in how women argue to adjust to.

Congruency testing (I don't call it sh!t testing, because that is negative) is when a woman wants to check out whether someone is how he presents himself. Many men act dominant/confident/self-assured, but when it comes to their relationships, they 'lose their edge' and can easily be manipulated and controlled by women. So a woman will test whether your attitude is real or fake. Testing itself is good - it shows that she's interested and if you 'ace the test', she's likely to get more invested in you. However, if you fail the test, often you don't get a second chance to do it right. And for 'pretenders' that type of testing is exhausting and nerve-wrecking, because they are not who they pretend to be. Someone who has emotional self control and experience with 'drama' will have no problem handling the tests.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

BITG is right about not 'worrying' about it. Worrying about anything is rarely productive. However, I think it's good to 'analyse' why you have/get relationship problems. So BITG advice to just blithely hop to the next woman without understanding where a previous relationship went wrong is bad advice.

Like I stated in previous posts, I counsel people with C-PTSD and many of them are BPD/NPD, so I'm familiar with drama that seems to come from nowhere and people giving me 'justifications' for their behaviour that make no logical sense. Many men fall in the trap of looking at women's behaviour from their own male perspective.

Like the way a man needs to respond to a woman who tells him about her problems. Many men think they are supposed to come up with a solution, but most women just want to vent and all you need to do is commiserate and comfort. This is a trivial but common situation that takes only a little experience in how women argue to adjust to.

Congruency testing (I don't call it sh!t testing, because that is negative) is when a woman wants to check out whether someone is how he presents himself. Many men act dominant/confident/self-assured, but when it comes to their relationships, they 'lose their edge' and can easily be manipulated and controlled by women. So a woman will test whether your attitude is real or fake. Testing itself is good - it shows that she's interested and if you 'ace the test', she's likely to get more invested in you. However, if you fail the test, often you don't get a second chance to do it right. And for 'pretenders' that type of testing is exhausting and nerve-wrecking, because they are not who they pretend to be. Someone who has emotional self control and experience with 'drama' will have no problem handling the tests.

I disagree. In any "singular" situation there can be a million reasons why a woman isn't interested in continuing. Most of them might be relatively minor or just a preference thing. I mean it could come down to she didn't like how his d!ck tasted while she was sucking it or the taste of his cvm.

Or didn't like how he did something in the bedroom to her and it turned her off.

Or perhaps didn't like how he chewed his food and his table manners. Or anything in between.

That's why in a SINGULAR interaction it makes little sense to analyze something because you could decide it was one thing when that actually had nothing to do with it. In fact, you could actually be pushing yourself further away from succeeding by doing that since you will overcorrect the wrong thing.

That's also why I said if you are having the same issue with MULTIPLE women then THAT is where you need to take a look and try and decide what the common denominators are which should help you narrow it down quite a bit.

 

[manfromitaly]

Ok guys I know what I did doesn't make much sense, but really why not. She hadn't written to me anymore so this morning I sent her a message and now I'll show you the conversation. I repeat, I seem needy, in reality for me it was a way to make her understand that she didn't behave well. I don't care if I seem needy, low value or whatever, what you think. Do you want to try again or do you want to tell me that you are no longer interested in me? Couldn't you tell me by text?

Me: Anyway I don't understand why all those demands, I wish he didn't smoke, and the condom, and then disappear like that.
It was enough to say it, it's not that I was offended

Her: But it seems to me that you are offended, if you want we can talk today or whenever you can and we will solve this whole mess.

Me: I continued to write to you and you began to refuse invitations without asking me again another day

Her: Then I propose it to you

Me: I'm busy today I'll let you know

Her: Let me know and let's go out for a quiet chat
I don't want to upset you

__(That I don't want to upset you made me suspicious so I replied)

Me: But don't worry me, I just want to know your intentions, if that's not what I'll find another one, you can do whatever you want for me

Her: wow thanks for the beautiful vulgar words

Me: You disappeared without giving any explanation
I just said I'd rather know
I don't see any vulgar words
I already told you, if I see that a person isn't looking for me, responds after hours, refuses invitations, I think they've changed their mind.

Her: ok all the fault is mine, I forced you to have a relationship with me
I already said that I want to resolve this in person and talk to you, but it seems like you want to discuss it more than resolve it

Me:No, it's okay for me to talk about it

Her: Ok whenever you want

 

[manfromitaly]

Some opinion? @BackInTheGame78

 

[Canadian_Man]

You probably should provide more context to get more tailored advice.

From what I gathered, she is younger than you, and you two have spent some time together.
But how long have you been dating her?
How much younger is she?
etc.

The texts you presented suggest it wasn't in the very early stages of dating.

 

[manfromitaly]

You probably should provide more context to get more tailored advice.

From what I gathered, she is younger than you, and you two have spent some time together.
But how long have you been dating her?
How much younger is she?
etc.

The texts you presented suggest it wasn't in the very early stages of dating.

She's 21, I'm 33, before the evening we had sex we saw each other 4 times, we went to the beach 2 times, 1 evening we were at a disco with friends, and the first evening I met her at a party, but we only exchanged the contact

 

[BaronOfHair]

Ok guys I know what I did doesn't make much sense, but really why not. She hadn't written to me anymore so this morning I sent her a message and now I'll show you the conversation. I repeat, I seem needy, in reality for me it was a way to make her understand that she didn't behave well. I don't care if I seem needy, low value or whatever...

-Not being conscientious as to whether or not you appear weak and needy with a woman makes less sense than showing up to a job interview at Goldman Sachs not having shaved in months, while wearing a vomit stained wife beater and jeans freshly purchased from Goodwill

-Your texts with her are verbose and indirect, rather than concise and assertive. If you think she didn't behave well, say as much outright and in Plain Language. Example of what this might look like:

"Honey, before I take you to meet my family for Christmas dinner, it's imperative that you stop dousing puppies in gasoline, lighting them up while recording their deaths/screams of agony via IPhone, then sharing that footage with everyone you encounter. I'm confident that both of us, working together, can find more pro-social hobbies for you to engage in"

 

[manfromitaly]

-Not being conscientious as to whether or not you appear weak and needy with a woman makes less sense than showing up to a job interview at Goldman Sachs not having shaved in months, while wearing a vomit stained wife beater and jeans freshly purchased from Goodwill

-Your texts with her are verbose and indirect, rather than concise and assertive. If you think she didn't behave well, say as much outright and in Plain Language. Example of what this might look like:

"Honey, before I take you to meet my family for Christmas dinner, it's imperative that you stop dousing puppies in gasoline, lighting them up while recording their deaths/screams of agony via IPhone, then sharing that footage with everyone you encounter. I'm confident that both of us, working together, can find more pro-social hobbies for you to engage in"

I don't want to create controversy or discussions because I welcome everyone's advice, so I ask a question rather than my opinion because I don't understand the meaning.

Why send such a text to a person after she has behaved like this? Isn't it better, out of self-respect, to show her disapproval and not fear of not losing her?

Isn't a text like this too tryhard? Sure, it's fun, but does she deserve this?

Sorry but I don't understand and I want to learn

 

[manfromitaly]

I say this because from how she had behaved up until now, with a message like that she could have again declined the invitation with an excuse or purposely replied to me after many hours, to ensure that I let it go.

In this case she responded to me immediately, but I still don't know what she wants to tell me in person

 

[BaronOfHair]

Why send such a text to a person after she has behaved like this?

If you find some aspect of her behavior undesirable, or some of her thinking to be aberrant, it's incumbent on you to communicate your objections to her. Out loud and directly