Advice on LTR

[asterixix]

Hi,

I've been in a LTR for the past 3 years. We live separately and see each other 1-2x a week. For the past year or so my sexual desire for her has been dwindling. I've been working a lot on myself, going to the gym, eating healthy, career, dressing better, etc. whereas she hasn't been doing any of that. I've dropped hints about exercise and she started the gym recently, but I just can't help thinking about other hotter women and fear that she'll never fit that image in my mind.

I love her but I'm not in love with her. We spend time together and have fun but I no longer have a strong desire to see her or even fvck her. She wants to move in together but I feel our relationship has ran its course. We had a talk last week and I told her I'm not ready to move in with her because I feel our relationship isn't strong enough. She said she was willing to give it more time and I left it there. I don't think it's worth it but I didn't have the balls to break up with her in that moment. We also have a long trip planned next week.

Any advice on what to do? Should I just end it?

 

[Learning Curve]

I love her but I'm not in love with her.

So you like her as a friend?

I no longer have a strong desire to see her or even fvck her. She wants to move in together but I feel our relationship has ran its course.

You have answered your own question.

She said she was willing to give it more time and I left it there. I don't think it's worth it but I didn't have the balls to break up with her in that moment. We also have a long trip planned next week.

As you already know you have two options you either break up, or you work around it.

If you don't desire her sexually and you are looking at other women that's because she does not satisfy your wildest dreams in bed. You have to lead in bed you are the one with the pen1s.

Either you lead, or you find a new woman that's more experienced because usually the problem lies in the bedroom when guys want to look at other women.

If you want her to work out, go together to the gym that's a good start.

Either way, work around it, or end it.

 

[Agamemnon43]

At least you are not delusional if you have the balls to say the relationship has ran its course.

The bigger problem might be that she's just boring to you. Fuel can be added to the fire in terms of bedroom activity, but its unlikely to spark a huge passion to your relationship overall. Do you enjoy doing other activities with her? I have a hunch that you don't, but only you know that for sure.

 

[TB24]

In my 20s I had such a LTR for a couple of years. I stayed, because it was ...nice. Nothing more, nothing less. Great chemistry, same circle of friends. I had a good life. But it was totally clear to me that I would never marry her. Eventually, I left her when I met a woman that I fell in love head over heels. That was only possible because I never really loved that other woman. In the end, I think I stole several years of her lifetime that she could have been spent with someone who *really* loved her.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Most relationships will end with a split. Yours appears to be headed that way. She probably senses your ennui and it might be making her push for more so she doesn't lose you - that's just human nature. In the long run if you feel it's run its course, better IMO to be honest and put it to bed. Look at it this way, she deserves someone who's totally into her, and you deserve to listen to yourself and make the best decision for you.

 

[asterixix]

In my 20s I had such a LTR for a couple of years. I stayed, because it was ...nice. Nothing more, nothing less. Great chemistry, same circle of friends. I had a good life. But it was totally clear to me that I would never marry her. Eventually, I left her when I met a woman that I fell in love head over heels. That was only possible because I never really loved that other woman. In the end, I think I stole several years of her lifetime that she could have been spent with someone who *really* loved her.

This hits close to home. I've never fell for a woman so I don't know what it's like, but having heard others describe it, I'm fairly certain that this is not it. Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[asterixix]

At least you are not delusional if you have the balls to say the relationship has ran its course.

The bigger problem might be that she's just boring to you. Fuel can be added to the fire in terms of bedroom activity, but its unlikely to spark a huge passion to your relationship overall. Do you enjoy doing other activities with her? I have a hunch that you don't, but only you know that for sure.

We've tried things in the bedroom and it has had a positive effect but it hasn't changed my feelings. It's true we don't do many activities together. I've always thought this was because of myself being quite a solitary person but it could also be what you said. I feel like I'm staying where I am because things are comfortable, but the more I reflect on this the more I realise that I'm holding myself and herself back from something better, as another commenter suggested.

 

[p_1337]

I find the sex appeal of most girls diminishes once I'm in a relationship/seeing them consistently for about 1 year (and definitely by the 2 year mark). Maybe I'm just a hedonist beyond redemption: but the burning desire to get them into the bedroom isn't as exciting as it was in the first 6 months (I don't care how 'hot' the girl is either -- this likely happens for most guys, especially seasoned vets who have closed a lot of chicks). I always think of the wise expression: "show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of ****ing her."

As time passes (especially once you reach a milestone like the 2-3 year mark) the relationship has to transcend sex/novelty. Yes-- you should still have genuine desire for her physically, but the relationship dynamic needs to become about something more than just lust (ideally moving towards something more serious -- i.e. marriage/having children)... Unless that's not what you really want.

OP: how old are you and the girl, and what makes you feel the relationship has run it's course? Do you want to be in a more casual situation, or do you eventually want to get married / start a family? (just perhaps not with this particular person)

 

[DJ Novice]

Once I start getting bored in bed now it’s the beginning of the end. I was married for 20 years and had kids to raise to take my mind off the sameness, lack of variety and enthusiasm in the bedroom. It was a sacrifice I was prepared to make then but not now post divorce.
Unless you want to start or continue raising a family or crave female companionship outside the bedroom I see no reason to continue seeing a girl if the bedroom action no longer excites you.
I can satisfy most things in life outside the bedroom by myself, my kids, my siblings or my friends. If a woman I’m attracted to can’t offer bedroom action that’s mutually enjoyable then there’s no point me investing any money, energy, attention or time into her.

 

[TB24]

This hits close to home. I've never fell for a woman so I don't know what it's like, but having heard others describe it, I'm fairly certain that this is not it. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Your're welcome. I can totally understand how you feel. Not a single year with that woman was bad, but on the other hand, it didn't lead anywhere. And it was totally obvious. I'd call it relationship procrastination.

But it's also part of the story that the relationship with the woman that I fell in love with head over heels only lasted for a couple of months. After being not really in love for years, I finally thought 'This is it! Don't screw it up.' It was the worst case of oneitis in my whole life. Being in love generally is a good thing. But it's dangerous if you're not used to it. And of course, my fear of losing this woman made me totally lose frame. Self-fulfilling prophecy. In hindsight, I should have used those years with the woman I had a merely nice time with to fall in love, break up, fall in love again, break up again and so on. Make experiences instead of cruising/procrastinating with that woman.

 

[Manure Spherian]

In the end, I think I stole several years of her lifetime that she could have been spent with someone who *really* loved her.

Though it’s not my business, I’m seeing more and more posters in these situations of thoroughly wasted time and using women as placeholders, even moving in with them and suffering the consequences.