Advice on LTR breakup

[lightwater]

Hi,


I'm a 29M, have been lurking in this forum since my ex left me. The relationship was LTR (6 years), after it was over, I didn't even know what to do on a normal day.


I tried to set up a comeback date 2 weeks after the breakup, but that was denied. So I learned about no contact implemented it .After that, I went no contact for 7 months.


I did all the things I should do, made a to do list of what I was doing wrong, and started working on that. Better skin care, gym, fashion, career, routines, mentality etc...
I recreated my social circle with old and new friends and started going out at night and during the day for coffee. Every chance I got to not be alone, I would go. There were times when I was at a party completely alone waiting for my friends because I got 1 hour early (this may not seem very normal, but my past self would be terrified to be alone on a party alone because of the social proof and embarrassment, when now, with a more stoic and chill/calm mentality, I was there with no ****s given and even started talking to random people).
I had a friend tell me that I lived more in this month's than in the last few years, and he is right. I was feeling amazing and in the best shape of my life, and the only embarrassment that I had was thinking about how bad I was in the relationship (mentality and physical).
Everything I did wrong I tried to fix it, and I'm still trying to be better. I can see that all my improvements are making a great impact on how easy things have become with girls. In this past months, got 2 girls. I did not have any feelings about them; it was just for the sex.


So I was chilling yesterday and found out that my ex is in a relationship. I'm feeling worse than on the day of the breakup. I am completely destroyed.
In my mind, I think I was over it, because the scenario of getting back with my ex would be only if she did not have sex with anyone, but I guess I was lying to myself. Because I find myself asking if I would be back to her if she ended up with a new boyfriend. And if the no contact was really worth it.
Now I start to think again on everything she had and was perfect for me (she only sleep with 2 people, well now probably 3; good family; good job; good looking; and just an amazing person), i just got my mind ****ed up because I know I messed up (her mother didn't like me and i was on fault; i was trying to always sneak family events for her family where she was always present for mine; and i just got that mentality that I had her for life and then life become boring for both; my fashion was casual not to say bad; and she was trying to revive the relationship trying to go to new places and I ignore most of the time because i did not get that she was trying to revitalize the relationship to not leave me). I just don't think I will find another woman with the complete package, and the pain is immense.
I also broke the no contact rule to call her, and she was cold at the beginning, but after a few minutes of talking, she was softer. I did not beg, but I did try to set up a date again, which failed again.


I just don't know what to do. I think I wasted the best thing I had in my life, and it was my fault, and I can't do anything to repair it. If I were the man I am now, I would still be with her. But my lazy ass was more worried about being on PC.
Any advice would be welcome.

 

[BPH]

The point of no contact is to move on, not to hope she comes back to you.

Given time you'll realize this chick wasn't anything special.

 

[lightwater]

The point of no contact is to move on, not to hope she comes back to you.

Given time you'll realize this chick wasn't anything special.

I want to believe this, and I will try to think that she is not special.

But i think 6 years, how can I think she is not special when I spend so much time of my life with her? And the breakup was 90% fault on me.

I fixed my flaws and I am still trying to learn more. So if find someone I could date I don't make the same mistakes again. But I just think I will not find someone who checks all my boxes, and that just pisses me off.

 

[holidayad_]

I know how you feel.

I was in that position two years ago.

The truth is that nothing anyone says here will help you feel better. Not because it doesn't make sense. But simply because you won't be able to see it right now.

Stop blaming yourself. Relationships are two-way streets.

Like your ex, my ex also got into a relationship a few months later.

This showed me that I was easily replaceable. And when I finally realized that, I started living for myself.

Trying to get in touch will only diminish your value and feed her ego.

Focus on yourself. Focus on the things that will do you good. Travel, spend time with friends, start a project. Start talking to other girls. Keep your head busy and try as much as possible to forget about it. Avoid visiting her profile on social media and delete her number.

This will help you heal.

Live your life.

 

[zekko]

I just don't know what to do. I think I wasted the best thing I had in my life, and it was my fault, and I can't do anything to repair it. If I were the man I am now, I would still be with her. But my lazy ass was more worried about being on PC.
Any advice would be welcome.

The woman you see as your ex only exists in your head. If she was perfect for you, she wouldn't have left you. By definition, a suitable LTR is not someone who refuses to go out with you. Food for thought. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will be able to move on.

 

[Gamisch]

Been there .

6 years is a long time but you gotta be real : she wanted out. And so she did. Let her go.

I agree that of she was as great for you as you think she is, she would be there. Be angry rather than sad. And use that anger to elevate yourself. Some things you should be aware off:

- women ALWAYS move on quick.
- she wasn't yours it was just your turn
-have so.much pride and honor that you don't even wanna be involved with a woman who treats you bad.
- learn from this. Never attach too much to ANY woman. Always keep the limit at 75% max. Give her 1 % extra per year.
Don't do drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. Use your anger to get bigger,stronger, wiser and richer.

 

[Chow Mein]

We’ve been through what you have, brotha. The pain heals with time and you will become a better man because of it. Stay strong!

 

[lightwater]

Thank you, guys.

This quote makes a lot of sense. "If she was perfect for you, she wouldn't have left you." Paradoxically, if she checked all my boxes, why would she do this to me and make me feel like this? I guess im also only focusing on the good things similar when we breakup (feel is the same looks like i comeback to step 0) and forget all the bad things she did or that i did not like.

"Never attach too much to ANY woman." Yeah, this quote also hit the target, and I will not make the same mistake.

Need to put on my brain that i was on fault but she also as on fault and could have been more direct with the problems ("Stop blaming yourself. Relationships are two-way streets."). I think i need to hear this because i feel im putting almost all the blame on myself , and if she had been direct and told me, i would change what i needed and more.

I will try to continue to improve and focus on my life, hold on strong, have fun and use anger instead of sadness (victim mentality), and let time do its thing.

**** it, at least is a good week to go for some PR on the gym.

 

[zekko]

"Never attach too much to ANY woman." Yeah, this quote also hit the target, and I will not make the same mistake.

Yeah, learn whatever lessons you need to learn and take them with you. And that is one of them, as unpleasant as it may be. You need to keep yourself in check. It doesn't do any good to invest so heavily into another person that you give them the power to cripple you if they leave.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Hi,


I'm a 29M, have been lurking in this forum since my ex left me. The relationship was LTR (6 years), after it was over, I didn't even know what to do on a normal day.


I tried to set up a comeback date 2 weeks after the breakup, but that was denied. So I learned about no contact implemented it .After that, I went no contact for 7 months.


I did all the things I should do, made a to do list of what I was doing wrong, and started working on that. Better skin care, gym, fashion, career, routines, mentality etc...
I recreated my social circle with old and new friends and started going out at night and during the day for coffee. Every chance I got to not be alone, I would go. There were times when I was at a party completely alone waiting for my friends because I got 1 hour early (this may not seem very normal, but my past self would be terrified to be alone on a party alone because of the social proof and embarrassment, when now, with a more stoic and chill/calm mentality, I was there with no ****s given and even started talking to random people).
I had a friend tell me that I lived more in this month's than in the last few years, and he is right. I was feeling amazing and in the best shape of my life, and the only embarrassment that I had was thinking about how bad I was in the relationship (mentality and physical).
Everything I did wrong I tried to fix it, and I'm still trying to be better. I can see that all my improvements are making a great impact on how easy things have become with girls. In this past months, got 2 girls. I did not have any feelings about them; it was just for the sex.


So I was chilling yesterday and found out that my ex is in a relationship. I'm feeling worse than on the day of the breakup. I am completely destroyed.
In my mind, I think I was over it, because the scenario of getting back with my ex would be only if she did not have sex with anyone, but I guess I was lying to myself. Because I find myself asking if I would be back to her if she ended up with a new boyfriend. And if the no contact was really worth it.
Now I start to think again on everything she had and was perfect for me (she only sleep with 2 people, well now probably 3; good family; good job; good looking; and just an amazing person), i just got my mind ****ed up because I know I messed up (her mother didn't like me and i was on fault; i was trying to always sneak family events for her family where she was always present for mine; and i just got that mentality that I had her for life and then life become boring for both; my fashion was casual not to say bad; and she was trying to revive the relationship trying to go to new places and I ignore most of the time because i did not get that she was trying to revitalize the relationship to not leave me). I just don't think I will find another woman with the complete package, and the pain is immense.
I also broke the no contact rule to call her, and she was cold at the beginning, but after a few minutes of talking, she was softer. I did not beg, but I did try to set up a date again, which failed again.


I just don't know what to do. I think I wasted the best thing I had in my life, and it was my fault, and I can't do anything to repair it. If I were the man I am now, I would still be with her. But my lazy ass was more worried about being on PC.
Any advice would be welcome.

You're thinking is rife with distortions

Take notes, then apply everything you've learned

 

[Vanderdonck]

Give yourself some credit. You were honest with your flaws and are taking efforts to improve. The next girl(s) that get to experience you get the new and improved you. If the old one couldn't stick around for that, she doesn't get to experience you like that. It is paradoxical that that's sometimes what catalyzes change = taking an L in the short term, but in the long term it's a W for you if you learn and grow.

 

[Barrister]

Six years is a long time, so acknowledge to yourself that these thoughts you are having are unavoidable. Our bodies begin to treat women we are with over long periods of time the same way they do drugs. So when you breakup with someone, suddenly your body is telling you that you just lost something that you absolutely need to have and can't be found anywhere else. The pain only goes away with time, but you can certainly help yourself in these weak moments if you are able to identify that it is your own irrational self kicking in that thinks she "is the one" or "the most beautiful woman I will ever have." Now take that and multiple it by 10 when you see she is getting banged by someone else. It sucks and we have all been there.

Understand that time DOES heal all wounds. It is inevitable as your body adjusts to the "drug" being gone and realizing you don't need it. There are ways you can expedite this process, but is never an over-night thing. Go out with your friends and stay busy doing hobbies or getting really involved in work. Sounds like you are already hitting up the gym. This is good. The two worst breakups in my life both led to major positive change in my own personal life. Never waste a crisis, brother.

If you're feeling up to it, go out on some dates with other women. Reminding your subconscious self that there is other pvssy out there other than the one it's concerned about is not a bad idea. Everyone is different with this and when they are ready. But don't jump into another LTR too fast and use these women as a crutch for what you are feeling. Use that energy to better yourself.

Good luck, brother.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You dated someone for a long time, they were a part of your life for a good chunk of time, but at the end of the day, you were fine before you met them and you'll be fine after they are gone.

It sucks, but that's life.

Pick yourself up and start dating and fvcking other women. Eventually you'll meet someone that makes you realize the only reason you thought that woman was so special was because you have no other options currently.

 

[hellonwheels]

Gotta stop referring to her as perfect or the best thing to happen to you. Take her off the pedestal.

If that person doesn’t want to be with you, then they aren’t the perfect girl for you. Should be a lesson learned with breaking no contact, majority of cases it’s never worth it.

 

[parabellum]

I want to believe this, and I will try to think that she is not special.

But i think 6 years, how can I think she is not special when I spend so much time of my life with her? And the breakup was 90% fault on me.

I fixed my flaws and I am still trying to learn more. So if find someone I could date I don't make the same mistakes again. But I just think I will not find someone who checks all my boxes, and that just pisses me off.

I know how you feel. For better or worse, there’s nothing you can do in benefit of her coming back. Yet you can do much in detriment of her coming back if you become insecure and show your attachment. I know. This logically doesn’t make any sense.

the only proven way is to tell her, I understand, I’ll give you 6 months of time and check back to see if you would like to talk. And then let her go, I mean it. Just do not contact her anymore. Assume you have lost her. Yes, you will feel terrible, but you will reborn from the ashes.

after 6 months you can reach out, in some cases she’ll have realized what she lost with you and try to make a comeback. You decide if you accept it or not.

in some (most) cases she won’t try to come back. And then you’ll know: hey, I did my best, I give her a chance, I am at peace, it is time to move on.

Godspeed brother, we all have been there.

 

[lightwater]

You're thinking is rife with distortions

Take notes, then apply everything you've learned

Thank you for the recommendation. I watched that ted talk and make a lot of sense on how i am felling and my thoughts. I already started listening.

I know how you feel. For better or worse, there’s nothing you can do in benefit of her coming back. Yet you can do much in detriment of her coming back if you become insecure and show your attachment. I know. This logically doesn’t make any sense.

the only proven way is to tell her, I understand, I’ll give you 6 months of time and check back to see if you would like to talk. And then let her go, I mean it. Just do not contact her anymore. Assume you have lost her. Yes, you will feel terrible, but you will reborn from the ashes.

after 6 months you can reach out, in some cases she’ll have realized what she lost with you and try to make a comeback. You decide if you accept it or not.

in some (most) cases she won’t try to come back. And then you’ll know: hey, I did my best, I give her a chance, I am at peace, it is time to move on.

Godspeed brother, we all have been there.

I think I need to think she is gone because she is. Because I give her 7 months and I got destroyed when she got a new boyfriend.

I can't wait another 6 months, I know is better short term to make easy on me because you have the hope that maybe will work out. But no, I rather go to the pain now and completely take her off of my life and move on. If I have this mentality which I believe would be helpful now, I think after that 6 months if she still has the boyfriend, I would feel like **** even worse than I'm felling now.

And trust me I would want to think like this (even if the idea is that after 6 months is not to go back), but I can't do this to me again. I will use this pain and anger to move on. It's not healthy for me.

I'm using a "method" now that is helping me and maybe can help others, that is to think the worst case scenario and be okay with that.

This is my next steps:

• Take her off of my life on everything (i did not do this on first 7 months) even if i know i should have done that.
• If i have a thought about her, just try to switch my brain off her
• Gym (already on)
• Mentality (still improving)
• Be a better person (still improving)
• Try to go out with friends when possible (already on)
• Try to go to events and occupy my life
• Focus on my job (i will take a hard certification on the next months)
• Be conformable with the worst case scenario (i will not have any more relationship with her)

 

[Gamisch]

Yeah, learn whatever lessons you need to learn and take them with you. And that is one of them, as unpleasant as it may be. You need to keep yourself in check. It doesn't do any good to invest so heavily into another person that you give them the power to cripple you if they leave.

Easier said than done. I gave this mindset a lotta thought recent years. I mean, just as OP I joined SS due to a break up. I work with some young cats, most having their first serious gf. Redpill stuff oe female nature is never talked about.

In a " healthy " relationship with a woman you'll be bluepilled and (arguably) beta. The moment you can't give 100% to a relationship you're already broken.

Unfortunately your message is the best advice to follow . The pool of broken women is too big yo ignore this once you became aware.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Thank you for the recommendation

Of course. Now listen to the audiobook and PRACTICE what you've learned

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You have no options right now so you are placing a much higher value on the option you had.

Also, you did no contact for the wrong reason. You don't do in hopes to get her back, you do it so you can move on and start fresh.

Accept that it's over and learn whatever lessons you need to learn from it and move on with your life.

You can't drive a car forward while constantly looking in the rear view mirror unless you want to crash.