Dysfunctional Communication

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

"My cats woke me up, they kept me up all night" I respond, telling her to close the bedroom door then, she goes "No."

"I can't eat cheese, it gives me stomach problems" proceeds to eat cheese and have said stomach problems, shows all sorts of resistance to addressing this meaningfully, then complains about stomach problems for the next 3 days.

Other than these dysfunctional complaints I can't provide an answer for, everything is really great actually, but I'm trying to get out of my own head with this... Like most women bring me actionable complaints, oil change, repairs, time or money...

Is this the "red flag" I'm making it out to be in my own head? My instinct is to rebuff her and tell her "If I can't directly help, I kinda don't wanna hear about it" but then you get this attitude of malicious compliance I imagine where the communication just breaks down.

Like I don't mind listening but the same freaking complaints day in and day out is driving me absolutely bonkers, like wtf do you want to hear?

One other thing, she has this habit of never saying "No", unless in service of continuing the complaints and I've had women approach me with this indecisiveness, with the "maybe" but she's using "maybe" to avoid having hard conversations, so then we are in this ambiguous space where I can't just lead the interaction like I would when faced with regular indecisiveness.

As time goes on, this situation is becoming less and less appealing, it's not just general indecision, there's a real effort on her part to keep things veiled and obscured, not defined so she can continue to voice these same complaints over and over, it feels like I'm being gas lit.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Is this your girlfriend?

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Is this your girlfriend?

For now yeah, we been seriously dating for 2 months, known her for 5, figured this would of subsided by now but it's not changed at all

 

[The Duke]

She just wants you to listen, not actually solve her problems. You listening and showing some compassion will make her problem go away. They all function like this on some level.

 

[Konada]

Based on your description, I would say the reg flag here is that she doesn't like to be held accountable for her actions.

The constant complaining about things she can change + inability to have hard conversations point to above.

I adopt a very explicit approach with my wife, because I cannot read minds. If she comes to me with a complaint, I ask "Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?"

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

"My cats woke me up, they kept me up all night" I respond, telling her to close the bedroom door then, she goes "No."

"I can't eat cheese, it gives me stomach problems" proceeds to eat cheese and have said stomach problems, shows all sorts of resistance to addressing this meaningfully, then complains about stomach problems for the next 3 days.

Other than these dysfunctional complaints I can't provide an answer for, everything is really great actually, but I'm trying to get out of my own head with this... Like most women bring me actionable complaints, oil change, repairs, time or money...

Ask yourself: Why do I want to make her problems my/our problems?

I used to have an employer who always started with 'we have a problem' to which I would stop them talking and say, "You have a problem. I have no problem. You want my help in making your problem go away or do you just want me to listen to your problems?"

I adopt a very explicit approach with my wife, because I cannot read minds. If she comes to me with a complaint, I ask "Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?"

Exactly.

I counsel women with C-PTSD. The way I do that is by listening to their problems. If my counsel is asked, I will tell them what I would do in their place, but I'm not in their place, so they will have to decide for themselves whether they want to follow my counsel or not.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

One other thing, she has this habit of never saying "No", unless in service of continuing the complaints and I've had women approach me with this indecisiveness, with the "maybe" but she's using "maybe" to avoid having hard conversations, so then we are in this ambiguous space where I can't just lead the interaction like I would when faced with regular indecisiveness.

Ask yourself: What part of 'leading' do I not understand? Decision making is huge part of leading.

These 'indecisive' women don't like making decisions. They want you to make the decision. Don't involve them in the decision. Decide for them. If they have a problem with your decision, they can take that up with you.

 

[SW15]

She just wants you to listen, not actually solve her problems. You listening and showing some compassion will make her problem go away. They all function like this on some level.

This is important to realize because women want a listener more than a problem solver. This is not something that comes natural in men's communication styles. Men seek to solve problems.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This is a common mistake guys make. She isn't asking you to solve her problems. She is simply asking you to listen and acknowledge her and her feelings.

Stop trying to solve her problems and simply listen and acknowledge her with something like "Oh wow...that really sucks"...

If she wants further help solving her issues she will ask.