Where do you guys go when you need serious help?

[Stanley]

You mention we all echo similar sentiments... there is a genuine reason for that. It is not unfortunate...

Look, we all grow apart with age and this applies to siblings as well. You shouldn't care that much what your sister says or views you as. You know who you are and if she doesn't accept that then quit caring so much. As for your Mom? Again, it blows when then these things happen, but there is nothing you can do man. Maintain a healthy relationship with your Mom and don't be afraid to employ distance to your sister just because familial ties.

Don't burn any bridges! but by all means choose to walk across or around them. Defuse tension, hold your tongue when needed and resist the urge to be confrontational. Be cordial and even if you guys don't get on well, let it be known with your actions that you are still a brother to your sister.

Family butting heads over political views is exceptionally common, don't sweat it. Regardless of the nature of the relationship people can actively or passively influence one another for better or worse. Is this therapist a villian? Who knows, but there is not much you can or should do here.

 

[BeExcellent]

OP. You’ve got to realize that your mother is part of the problem. Why?

Your mother has expectations that are not being met. She expects your sister to think and behave a certain way. But her expectations do not line up with your sister’s belief system. Then she complains and is sad, disappointed, (fill in whatever descriptor you like), and the dissonance between your mother’s beliefs and your sister’s reality disappoints your mom.

Nothing you can do. They each are participating in the drama of this dynamic.

Your sister does the exact same thing to you. Your reality is never going to line up with her expectations so she shames you etc.

Quit walking on eggshells, quit apologizing for your beliefs and your behavior.

In my opinion your mother and your sister are BOTH manipulators, although they have very different styles. Your sister is an overt victim narcissist, your mother is a very nice covert victim narcissist who acts like she has sacrificed so much. Poor me.

Your sister seeks attention (narcissistic supply) through her indignation and her impossible (for you to meet) standards.

Your mother seeks attention (narcissistic supply) by lamenting your sister’s attitudes and seeking your alliance and sympathy.

Call me crazy but this is what I see based on your description of the situation. Distance yourself from them both & don’t let either of them manipulate you further.

Get yourself a sensible therapist (ask your ex for who she used) and see what that therapist says. Fifty bucks says I called it. Be polite to them both but understand the complicated pathos you are dealing with.

And quit apologizing for who you are.

 

[Stanley]

Get yourself a sensible therapist (ask your ex for who she used) and see what that therapist says. Fifty bucks says I called it. Be polite to them both but understand the complicated pathos you are dealing with.

And quit apologizing for who you are.

I would like to add to this briefly. There is a lot of reason why men should understandably avoid modern therapist, but there are good ones. I saw a therapist who is now in his mid 60s, former public educator and was a marine. Nothing woke about him in the slightest and he helped me understand myself better and gave me direction in finding the tools to grab hold of my life.

There are good ones, you just have to find them

 

[BPH]

Your mother has expectations that are not being met. She expects your sister to think and behave a certain way. But her expectations do not line up with your sister’s belief system. Then she complains and is sad, disappointed, (fill in whatever descriptor you like), and the dissonance between your mother’s beliefs and your sister’s reality disappoints your mom.

In my opinion your mother and your sister are BOTH manipulators, although they have very different styles. Your sister is an overt victim narcissist, your mother is a very nice covert victim narcissist who acts like she has sacrificed so much. Poor me.

Your mother seeks attention (narcissistic supply) by lamenting your sister’s attitudes and seeking your alliance and sympathy.

I just want to address this one, because I think I might've given you the wrong idea.

My mother doesn't seek attention, she just wonders where she went wrong, why my sister would cut off the people trying to help her, and is deeply saddened by the fact that she doesn't want to remain in contact so she knows my sister is ok. My mom is very open-minded and doesn't try to instill any beliefs in anybody, but she doesn't understand how my sister can say things like that she "grew up in an emotionally abusive environment with parents that never supported her".

That's the whole purpose of this post. I don't care if my sister hates me or the rest of my family, she's made her decisions and maybe without a support system, she'll realize she keeps making the wrong ones. What I do care about is having my mom tear up when my sister comes up in conversation, or asking me what I think of the situation. She, like her mother before her, is an extremely kind soul, and I don't think she deserves to spend her later years second-guessing how she did as a parent because one of her three children blames her for everything negative that's happened in her life.

My dad is less bothered by all this because he realizes she f***ed her own life up by thinking she knows better than everybody else; buying an overpriced home with a military man who never asked for my father's blessing to get married and eventually ending in divorce, for example.

TL;DR I disagree that my mom is narcissistic and attention-seeking. I think she feels guilty, and was blindsided by my sister because she doesn't understand what she could've done better and ends up blaming herself.

Most of the replies here essentially say the same thing, as I've mentioned earlier, so I understand I have to take a backseat on this rather than try to do things a reasonable person might do, and that's fine. I mostly came back to let you all know that your replies hadn't fallen on deaf ears.

 

[BeExcellent]

I just want to address this one, because I think I might've given you the wrong idea.

My mother doesn't seek attention, she just wonders where she went wrong, why my sister would cut off the people trying to help her, and is deeply saddened by the fact that she doesn't want to remain in contact so she knows my sister is ok. My mom is very open-minded and doesn't try to instill any beliefs in anybody, but she doesn't understand how my sister can say things like that she "grew up in an emotionally abusive environment with parents that never supported her".

That's the whole purpose of this post. I don't care if my sister hates me or the rest of my family, she's made her decisions and maybe without a support system, she'll realize she keeps making the wrong ones. What I do care about is having my mom tear up when my sister comes up in conversation, or asking me what I think of the situation. She, like her mother before her, is an extremely kind soul, and I don't think she deserves to spend her later years second-guessing how she did as a parent because one of her three children blames her for everything negative that's happened in her life.

My dad is less bothered by all this because he realizes she f***ed her own life up by thinking she knows better than everybody else; buying an overpriced home with a military man who never asked for my father's blessing to get married and eventually ending in divorce, for example.

TL;DR I disagree that my mom is narcissistic and attention-seeking. I think she feels guilty, and was blindsided by my sister because she doesn't understand what she could've done better and ends up blaming herself.

Most of the replies here essentially say the same thing, as I've mentioned earlier, so I understand I have to take a backseat on this rather than try to do things a reasonable person might do, and that's fine. I mostly came back to let you all know that your replies hadn't fallen on deaf ears.

Obviously you know your family and we don’t. My own mother was a very different person depending on the audience and I was the one she was disappointed in (because I didn’t subscribe to her belief system). My mother was cold to me but then was kind & generous to my sister and she complained constantly to my sister about me. My sister took everything my mother said at face value, felt sorry for her and thought I was the bad actor. She only realized how manipulative my mother actually was decades later, years after I cut contact. She was stunned when she realized the manipulation had been going on the whole time, and only then did she look at objective indicators of what I been subjected to for years. She felt played really, and she had been played. She also felt duped for not seeing it, and it is hard for her to talk about.

Be very cautious around people who drive wedges between family members. You are too close to be entirely objective. Understand that also. Sometimes things are not as they seem. Your father has a much more healthy view based on what you have said. What is his opinion about your mother’s melancholy?

 

[BPH]

Obviously you know your family and we don’t. My own mother was a very different person depending on the audience and I was the one she was disappointed in (because I didn’t subscribe to her belief system). My mother was cold to me but then was kind & generous to my sister and she complained constantly to my sister about me. My sister took everything my mother said at face value, felt sorry for her and thought I was the bad actor. She only realized how manipulative my mother actually was decades later, years after I cut contact. She was stunned when she realized the manipulation had been going on the whole time, and only then did she look at objective indicators of what I been subjected to for years. She felt played really, and she had been played. She also felt duped for not seeing it, and it is hard for her to talk about.

Be very cautious around people who drive wedges between family members. You are too close to be entirely objective. Understand that also. Sometimes things are not as they seem. Your father has a much more healthy view based on what you have said. What is his opinion about your mother’s melancholy?

I think he's just more objective and tired of her s*** (my sister, that is). He's supportive of my mom, and there for her, but he's not emotional about it. She doesn't take her emotions out on any of us or require a shoulder to cry on to get our attention or anything, there are just conversations she and I would have where it might go on long enough that it begins making her sad, thinking about how things were and if they were really as bad as my sister makes it seem.

If anything, my family has gone to great lengths to create supportive environments for her, despite disagreeing with her perspective.

For example, the last time we all saw her in person was at a cousin's wedding back in May in North Carolina where my mom got us all an AirBNB for that weekend. We all drove down together with the exception of my sister, who was dropped off and picked up by her friend after the weekend. Knowing that she especially harbors resentment towards me, I did my best to avoid any sort of interaction with her that might piss her off; I hung out almost exclusively with my brother, whether it be at the wedding, on the beach, or at the bars. One night she was sobbing about her divorce and took over my brother and I's bedroom, so we let her stay there and set up on the couch. At the wedding, we were all at the same table and she specifically asked ME to be the one to go up to the bar and get her drink, which I did without issue. I jokingly made a comment about how my dad "looked like a blueberry" because he was wearing a vibrant suit, and my sister tried to instigate by saying "that was disrespectful", which I simply ignored. And even at the end of the trip, she was asking me to share my gum, which I also complied with. And then a few short months after this, she decides she needs to go no-contact with her entire family.

Point being, this is entirely on her. Some people reading this might wonder "well what did YOU guys do", and truthfully I don't know. She believes herself a victim of her circumstances and thinks that everybody around her has mistreated her...I dated a woman who bounced from foster home to foster home, was sexually abused in one of them, essentially disowned by her biological mother, and had her biological father die in jail - THAT woman knows pain, and I would understand this kind of reaction out of her.

My sister's victim mentality and ungrateful attitude don't get any sympathy from me...and most of our extended family or friends who know of the situation are in agreement with us. Truthfully I don't know who reinforces her...but I'm just looking out for my mom, as she's more fragile here.

 

[BeExcellent]

Understood. Do what you can, keep your eyes open & hold your ground. Bummer this is going on.

 

[RickTheToad]

I'm surprised I'm asking this question to a bunch of randoms on a pickup forum, but somehow I imagine that's still better than getting insight from the randos at r/Advice.

I need serious inquiries here, please no trolling or joking around. We have a serious family matter that I'm not sure how to deal with but has gotten to the point where I think some action needs to occur.

Without getting into too much detail, my fear is that my sister has been seeing a therapist who is reinforcing unhealthy behavior and that she's been interacting with a support group that validates and supports her opinions, however wrong or misguided they may be. Occasionally she takes to social media, and some friends and relatives will report back what she's posting, often deeply upsetting and saddening my mother.

I worry that as my parents are older, and especially in reference to my mom, putting this heartbreak and stress on my mother is undeserved and could really impact her health.

What I would like to do, is somehow figure out what therapist she's been seeing and confront them on her outside behavior. She has essentially cut ties with a large portion of her friends and family, so contacting her to find this information isn't possible. I don't want to keep seeing my mother like this or wondering what my sister may feel justified in doing to herself or others, on the basis on whatever positive affirmations she's been getting.

I think this is a catastrophic failure of therapy, coupled with an echo chamber that reinforces inaccurate beliefs that put my sister at risk and constantly upsets my aging mother. I may still ask this on r/Advice, but I want to see if anybody here has a good channel to use when they need serious help.

Thanks.

Let it be. There's nothing that can be done. Find a good therapist for you to discuss your thoughts and feelings to help you through this mess.