Too aloof?

[BackInTheGame78]

@BackInTheGame78 @Pierce.Manhammer I think I get what's going on.

Too many guys overtext and women expect this behavior from all men.

When a guy doesn't do this, the woman assumes disinterest from the guy.

So in the end, when a guy is super confident, he should display consistency by calling once more to gauge each other's interest.

I wouldn't call the issue overtexting as much as I would call the issue desperate/needy texting and texting that adds no value. Most guys are guilty of one or both of those to varying degrees. Increasing either of those past a certain point leads to outcomes not in your favor.

Stuff like double/triple texting or freaking out if they don't text back within 15 minutes. Texting dumbass/lame stuff like "WYD?" or "Hey" or "what up?".

Not saying this is you specifically, just that this is what you are wanting to avoid when texting.

View texting as a game of tennis. When you send a text, you are hitting the ball over the net. Wait for it to be hit back to you. Too many guys want to go run back and forth across the net a few times and keep hitting it back and forth to keep the exchange going.

Patience. Relax. That's another easy way for women to weed guys out. Take a few hours to message back and see what happens. All too often a desperate flurry of texts from guys who are desperate/needy.

 

[Serenity]

Biggest fear is that the chick says "we weren't texting enough so I thought you weren't interested", or "you never texted to confirm the date so i didnt get ready", or some similar line.

Fear is what will ruin it every time in cases like this, whether it's fear of doing too much or too little. It's the wrong focus, you're not doing what feels natural to you, you're doing what you think you should do to get her.

With that in mind I will conclude that you're not "aloof" enough, you're overthinking the amount of communication. Considering your fear is centered around not doing enough I will also conclude you're more at risk of doing too much. Fear has a tendency to cause overcompensation.

I suspect you're looking for a binary answer, to keep going or to stop until the date. Neither captures the essence of the point I'm trying to make here. What I advise you to do is look into yourself and ask WHY you're thinking of doing what you're about to do. Is it just "I want to" or is it "because I fear x y z". If it's the latter is better to safe it by not going ahead on that impulse.

You have a date already, if she's seriously interested she'll be ready, almost regardless of how frequently you communicate before that, unless you go to extremes. Saying almost nothing is a lower limit, but there's no upper limit to how much you can overcommunicate, so being "too aloof" is technically a safer option than spamming her phone.

If she's going to flake, she's going to flake, again it's likely not going to be determined by your level of text communication if it's within a relatively normal range.

Now over to my experience. I told my wife when I first started dating her that I can't be bothered small talking over text and I'd rather save interesting conversations for when we meet. Barely texted at all outside of figuring out a time for the next date that fits for both, didn't even call her. We had a bunch of things to talk about every time we met to fill the time with and develop solid rapport, if you've already said it all over text there's nothing new and interesting about it when you talk in person. Didn't feel like filling the wait between dates with banter either, I just generally hate texting. Fearing too much or too little wasn't even on my mind, I am the way I am, either she's into that or she's not for me.

That is not to say a bit of banter over text is wrong, I just did what I felt like doing, which is to save it for the face to face. So what amount of communication prior to dates do you feel like having?

 

[Serenity]

But let's say the day comes, I go to her house at the time we agreed on and knock on her door...then she's like "I forgot" or "I didn't think we were going to do it since we didn't keep in contact" what's the best reply to that?

Let's do this one too.

If she says"I forgot" then that's just plain insulting, low interest, walk away.

The other alternative definitely wouldn't be phrased as "we didn't keep in contact", it would be "you didn't keep in contact" and that's really only if she tried, but you didn't respond. You're not 100% responsible for carrying the interaction, you're only 50% responsible for that and you shouldn't try to exceed that because it's a great way to gauge her interest. If she doesn't do her 50% of it then she's just not that interested.

If you go radio silence and she's interested enough to want that date to happen, then she's not just going to let it slide and assume you don't. She's going to ask about it if the extended silence brings doubts to her mind and she'll want it to be reaffirmed.

If you want to be a little more sure in advance that the date is on, you can be ever so slightly vague initially. When you first plan the date you can say something like "I'll be there around 7pm", then the day before you're specific about exactly when like "I'll be there 7:15pm, is that fine?". It shouldn't be necessary as you should expect her to uphold what is an appointment, but if you have to, this is a subtle way of confirming it that seems natural.

 

[sosuave213]

Update:

- Chick from yesterday flaked, but no time wasted because I followed your advice to confirm the date. I guess this is OLD protocol 2023.

- Chick for tomorrow I reached out by calling on Mon and Tue to confirm for Thursday. No reply. Texted to call off the date but I'm open to rescheduling if she wants. This morning she texts:

Heyyyy! Good Morning! I'm so sorry I've been all over the place with work because of Christmas and when you called I was in the office.

What do you guys think? I replied with:

Just finished a fresh 30 min run. I also called because I got invited to a work dinner tomorrow. I'll have to pick you up at 7:30 instead of 6. Does that still work for you?

Hopefully she's not reading this forum, lol

Moral of the story is don't get angry at a chick if she doesn't reply in your time frame...chicks will sometimes just test you like that to see if you're cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Not phasing it, got two more in the pipeline and they just keep getting hotter tbh.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Update:

- Chick from yesterday flaked, but no time wasted because I followed your advice to confirm the date. I guess this is OLD protocol 2023.

- Chick for tomorrow I reached out by calling on Mon and Tue to confirm for Thursday. No reply. Texted to call off the date but I'm open to rescheduling if she wants. This morning she texts:

Heyyyy! Good Morning! I'm so sorry I've been all over the place with work because of Christmas and when you called I was in the office.

What do you guys think? I replied with:

Just finished a fresh 30 min run. I also called because I got invited to a work dinner tomorrow. I'll have to pick you up at 7:30 instead of 6. Does that still work for you?

Hopefully she's not reading this forum, lol

Moral of the story is don't get angry at a chick if she doesn't reply in your time frame...chicks will sometimes just test you like that to see if you're cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Not phasing it, got two more in the pipeline and they just keep getting hotter tbh.

Ehh, that sounds like a flake waiting to happen TBH

Likely this means she is waiting to try and fill that day with someone else but hasn't heard back from them yet, meaning you are the backup plan...or even the backup to the backup.

Maybe she will meet up but I doubt anything happens from there.

Also, what did I tell you would happen with you acting thirsty and trying to pick up women from their house on a first date?

They start acting weird and cancel in the day(s) leading up to it. She is nervous and scared most likely having a random guy she doesn't know come over to her house. It's one of those things where they regret it almost the second they give you the address and agree to it. Apprehension should never be what you want to have women feeling prior to a first date. That almost guarantees a flake.

Stop doing this if you want to have this stop happening. Contrary to what some would have you believe if you are doing things right your flake rate should be low, mine is around 1 in 20...maybe less.

The first date goal is to ensure they meet you, nothing more, nothing less. Anything can happen from there, nothing can happen without getting to that point to begin with.

 

[SW15]

I wouldn't call the issue overtexting as much as I would call the issue desperate/needy texting and texting that adds no value. Most guys are guilty of one or both of those to varying degrees. Increasing either of those past a certain point leads to outcomes not in your favor.

Stuff like double/triple texting or freaking out if they don't text back within 15 minutes. Texting dumbass/lame stuff like "WYD?" or "Hey" or "what up?".

Not saying this is you specifically, just that this is what you are wanting to avoid when texting.

View texting as a game of tennis. When you send a text, you are hitting the ball over the net. Wait for it to be hit back to you. Too many guys want to go run back and forth across the net a few times and keep hitting it back and forth to keep the exchange going.

Patience. Relax. That's another easy way for women to weed guys out. Take a few hours to message back and see what happens. All too often a desperate flurry of texts from guys who are desperate/needy.

Over texting is a symptom of a larger disease of desperation and neediness.

Men had issues with this even dating back to the landline era of telephones. There's a great scene from the 1996 movie "Swingers" about this.....

Good analogy with texting and tennis. It would be impossible in tennis to do that.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Over texting is a symptom of a larger disease of desperation and neediness.

Men had issues with this even dating back to the landline era of telephones. There's a great scene from the 1996 movie "Swingers" about this.....

Good analogy with texting and tennis. It would be impossible in tennis to do that.

Partially true but you can not overtext but still come across as desperate/needy in the texts you do send. It's more the content of the texts that matter in regards to that than the amount of texts. Unless of course you are sending mass walls of texts and double/triple/quadruple texting, then it's going to pretty much come across that way no matter what the content is

 

[SW15]

Unless of course you are sending mass walls of texts and double/triple/quadruple texting, then it's going to pretty much come across that way no matter what the content is

That's what I was thinking about more when I wrote Post #26.

you can not overtext but still come across as desperate/needy in the texts you do send. It's more the content of the texts that matter in regards to that than the amount of texts.

This is true. The same was true in the phone calling era too.

Men have had issues utilizing phones all the way back to the landline era. Men were having issues in the landline era, the pre-smartphone cell phone era, and the current smartphone era. The difference in the smartphone era is that communication has mainly become text-based.

In any of the 3 eras, a defensible behavior in attraction-seduction would be to minimize the use of the telephone.

 

[sosuave213]

Lots to be learned for sure.

Just because I can doesn't mean I should.

Will just ask to meet out next time.

 

[member162951]

Moral of the story is don't get angry at a chick if she doesn't reply in your time frame...chicks will sometimes just test you like that to see if you're cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Bolded, agree. It's not always a shyt test tho. Sometimes sure but not always. She may be legit busy and didn’t expect you'd get so emotional and sensitive about it.

Learn to manage emotions better and stop acting like a mansey pansey and impulsively cancelling...sheesh.

Heyyyy! Good Morning! I'm so sorry I've been all over the place with work because of Christmas and when you called I was in the office.

So SHE apologized after YOU canceled. Wow, that's something. And suggests high interest imo. A disinterested chick would have simply moved on.

So did you reschedule or keep the original plan?

 

[sosuave213]

Bolded, agree. It's not always a shyt test tho. Sometimes sure but not always. She may be legit busy and didn’t expect you'd get so emotional and sensitive about it.

Learn to manage emotions better and stop acting like a mansey pansey and impulsively cancelling...sheesh.



So SHE apologized after YOU canceled. Wow, that's something. And suggests high interest imo. A disinterested chick would have simply moved on.

So did you reschedule or keep the original plan?

I had a 20-minute video call and I'm not feeling this chick at all. She also decided to leave the plans in the air. Moving on from this one, shame since she seemed interesting at first.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Bolded, agree. It's not always a shyt test tho. Sometimes sure but not always. She may be legit busy and didn’t expect you'd get so emotional and sensitive about it.

Learn to manage emotions better and stop acting like a mansey pansey and impulsively cancelling...sheesh.



So SHE apologized after YOU canceled. Wow, that's something. And suggests high interest imo. A disinterested chick would have simply moved on.

So did you reschedule or keep the original plan?

Dude just stop. That's not high interest. Also OP didn't cancel he just asked to move the time back and has gotten no response as of yet.

This is called "I'm freaking out because some random dude online is supposed to be coming to my house and he might be a serial killer".

When you try to hit home runs right off the bat be prepared for a lot of swinging strike 3s at the last minute. A very low percentage play and not one I would ever suggest. If she suggests it that's fine, a guy trying to push that on a first date, no.

Ironically he will be scaring off a lot of women he could have otherwise banged if he didn't come off as a thirst monger and just showed a little patience. Can't bang a woman you never meet tho.

 

[member162951]

I had a 20-minute video call and I'm not feeling this chick at all. She also decided to leave the plans in the air. Moving on from this one, shame since she seemed interesting at first.

Fair enough, you had to play it out though which you did, it's all good.

 

[member162951]

Ironically he will be scaring off a lot of women he could have otherwise banged if he didn't come off as a thirst monger and just showed a little patience. Can't bang a woman you never meet th

I wholeheartedly agree with that.

 

[member162951]

Dude just stop. That's not high interest. Also OP didn't cancel he just asked to move the time back and has gotten no response as of yet.

Ok, but in my defense, I was going by the premise that most women don't or very rarely apologize and since she did, it indicated interest.

It turned out I was wrong about that but he played it out, had a video call, realized it's a definite no go, on to the next.

Also admittedly he allowed his emotions to steer his ship when he cancelled but was open to reschedule if SHE wanted to.

Which I read as his own shyt test back at her.

Just my read on it, right or wrong.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Ok, but in my defense, I was going by the premise that most women don't or very rarely apologize and since she did, it indicated interest.

It turned out I was wrong about that but he played it out, realized it's a definite no go, on to the next.

They do when they feel bad and just want to let the man down easy...as in they think he is cool but aren't interested in that way.

 

[member162951]

They do when they feel bad and just want to let the man down easy...as in they think he is cool but aren't interested in that way.

I dunno man, her text back didn't sound like a "letting you down easy" text to me which was unnecessary anyway since he had already canceled.

>>"Heyyyy! Good Morning! I'm so sorry I've been all over the place with work because of Christmas and when you called I was in the office."<<

She's not interested or open to reschedule? Simply don't respond. The End.

Again just my read on it. Bottom line, it doesn't matter, this one is done.

 

[The Duke]

Update:

- Chick from yesterday flaked, but no time wasted because I followed your advice to confirm the date. I guess this is OLD protocol 2023.

- Chick for tomorrow I reached out by calling on Mon and Tue to confirm for Thursday. No reply. Texted to call off the date but I'm open to rescheduling if she wants. This morning she texts:

Heyyyy! Good Morning! I'm so sorry I've been all over the place with work because of Christmas and when you called I was in the office.

What do you guys think? I replied with:

Just finished a fresh 30 min run. I also called because I got invited to a work dinner tomorrow. I'll have to pick you up at 7:30 instead of 6. Does that still work for you?

Hopefully she's not reading this forum, lol

Moral of the story is don't get angry at a chick if she doesn't reply in your time frame...chicks will sometimes just test you like that to see if you're cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Not phasing it, got two more in the pipeline and they just keep getting hotter tbh.

She's about ready to flake too. ;-) This is no test, this is low interest on her part.

What she really said was this:

I've been talking to several other guys, was on a date with one when you called the other night. I'm not sure how you rank compared to the others but keep trying to impress me, nothing will probably happen with you, but I like the free attention.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I dunno man, her text back didn't sound like a "letting you down easy" text to me which was unnecessary anyway since he had already canceled.

>>"Heyyyy! Good Morning! I'm so sorry I've been all over the place with work because of Christmas and when you called I was in the office."<<

She's not interested or open to reschedule? Simply don't respond. The End.

Again just my read on it. Bottom line, it doesn't matter, this one is done.

So sorry = flake in progress

 

[member162951]

So sorry = flake in progress

Yeah okay, but then why agree to a video call after that? Would a chick who knows she's gonna flake agree to that?

Not to mention, OP had already flaked so there was nothing for her to flake on. Again, if she's not interested in rescheduling, then no need to respond at all.

I guess I'm seeing this from a different angle but again it's moot, this is done no matter how you slice and dice.