Being alone and the decision making process

[Divorced w 3]

My friend thinks that I am uncomfortable being alone and as such am making shortsighted decisions such as being in a serious relationship, which started 9 months into my separation and is about a year old now, with a finalized divorce a few months ago too.

I am wondering if anyone can relate.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I do feel uncomfortable being alone. It’s a deeply wired thing that I have tried for a long time to overcome.

 

[Plinco]

I do feel uncomfortable being alone. It’s a deeply wired thing that I have tried for a long time to overcome.

Why exactly do you think that is?

 

[Glassguy]

We were designed to NOT be alone. So if you feel alone at times during your single life, dont sweat it. Its normal.
But I can tell you that it feels better to be alone than to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person and wasting your time with them.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I do feel uncomfortable being alone. It’s a deeply wired thing that I have tried for a long time to overcome.

That could be a problem...especially if you are choosing to be/stay with someone you know isn't right for you simply so you don't have to be alone.

The ironic part is to actually work on this stuff REQUIRES you to be alone so you can do it. It's tough. You have to really look deep inside yourself and do lots of reading, self-realizations and maybe see yourself in a way you don't like seeing.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Why exactly do you think that is?

Probably childhood like everyone else lol.

 

[Divorced w 3]

That could be a problem...especially if you are choosing to be/stay with someone you know isn't right for you simply so you don't have to be alone.

The ironic part is to actually work on this stuff REQUIRES you to be alone so you can do it. It's tough. You have to really look deep inside yourself and do lots of reading, self-realizations and maybe see yourself in a way you don't like seeing.

Any recommendations on what to read and do?

 

[Plinco]

Probably childhood like everyone else lol.

That's a vague answer.

Since no one is exactly like you, you're alone whether you are in a room full of people or not.

 

[member162951]

But I can tell you that it feels better to be alone than to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person...

Yup. My dad once told me after divorcing my mom that he felt more lonely when married to my mom than he did when actually alone, in no relationship.

I've never forgotten that.

 

[BeExcellent]

My preference is to be partnered but I am totally happy by myself too. And within my marriage I welcome the little breaks because it provides opportunity to create longing and miss one another.

Consider where your validation and sense of self comes from. Internal, driven by your self love & self wholeness if you will, or external driven by things outside yourself (who you date, what you do, where you live, what you have etc.)

Your type of validation (internal versus external) will give you a starting point often to figure these things out.

 

[Divorced w 3]

That's a vague answer.

Since no one is exactly like you, you're alone whether you are in a room full of people or not.

I ran an attachment test back in the summer and came out as Disorganized/ Fearful Avoidant. I never had real emotional relationships with my parents, grew up in a terror of a household and my mother even in filing for divorce allowed my father to remain in the picture. He should have been thrown in jail. I had a troubled social life and academic career despite being tested highly intelligent, I pissed away every opportunity one could ask for. Does that help?

 

[Plinco]

I ran an attachment test back in the summer and came out as Disorganized/ Fearful Avoidant. I never had real emotional relationships with my parents, grew up in a terror of a household and my mother even in filing for divorce allowed my father to remain in the picture. He should have been thrown in jail. I had a troubled social life and academic career despite being tested highly intelligent, I pissed away every opportunity one could ask for. Does that help?

I appreciate your honesty.

To be perfectly blunt I cannot relate but I know of people similar to you. The best two things I can suggest is talk to someone who has similar experiences and has worked through them, if you are lucky enough to know such a person, or pay attention to how you feel and what you think and do a lot of writing about. Always keep in mind your long term goals.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I hate being alone. Typically I’m rarely a week or between girls. I feel like I’m going insane.

 

[Stanley]

You seem self aware and admit that being alone is hard for you. Now, is not being okay sitting with yourself a bad thing? Maybe...but if you have the wherewithal to recognize your own thoughts, habits and upbringing then I don't see how it is a problem in this exact instance? The only related issue I think of would be becoming overly attached to others or codependent.

I had a friend who expressed a similar sentiment to the one you do.

He was constantly in relationships and could not spend a night alone with himself. He would go down the list of every friend and acquaintance and reach out to anyone to keep him from his solitary thoughts. Many of his romantic relationships were toxic. He eventually found a girl after jumping ship from one that stabilized him. It was a healthy successful relationship and the girl actually encouraged space between them. It has been a few years now and they are getting married and have had no notable issues from what i've seen.

The point being, that when the right person shows up and you synergize well, might as well let it ride.

If you've been in past relationships which brought about baggage, trauma or whatever else (your name speaks volumes here lol) then you more than likely learned alot about women and yourself. This friend of mine faced criticism from other mutual friends about his relationship hopping and several were concerned with his inability to be independent. Well, he took heed of what was said and pressed onward and it worked out. Another friend of mine who is about the same age as you knocked up a whack job at 21. A month after their divorce he met a new girl. Now years later, they have three kids together and are doing great.

Anyways...

If you find yourself questioning these things, I would then try to force yourself to sit with these thoughts. Recognize patterns in your behavior and assess as needed. If your friend is chewing your ear off about it then maybe there is some weight to his words if you trust him but, you likely know yourself well enough as a grown man to come to your own conclusion.

And if there are self doubts? Reflect and challenge them. I personally enjoy being solitary for the most part, but if I were in a healthy relationship I wouldn't throw it away or have second guesses. If the relationships serves you then by all means address your issues as best you can while remaining in said relationship. That's what I would do.

How Do Stoics Deal With Lonliness? - Orion Philosophy

Loneliness is not a new experience, but it is one that seems to be increasing as time goes by, especially with the recent pandemic lockdowns, social media,

www.orionphilosophy.com

 

[member162951]

You seem self aware and admit that being alone is hard for you. Now, is not being okay sitting with yourself a bad thing? Maybe...but if you have the wherewithal to recognize your own thoughts, habits and upbringing then I don't see how it is a problem in this exact instance? The only related issue I think of would be becoming overly attached to others or codependent.

I had a friend who expressed a similar sentiment to the one you do.

He was constantly in relationships and could not spend a night alone with himself. He would go down the list of every friend and acquaintance and reach out to anyone to keep him from his solitary thoughts. Many of his romantic relationships were toxic. He eventually found a girl after jumping ship from one that stabilized him. It was a healthy successful relationship and the girl actually encouraged space between them. It has been a few years now and they are getting married and have had no notable issues from what i've seen.

The point being, that when the right person shows up and you synergize well, might as well let it ride.

If you've been in past relationships which brought about baggage, trauma or whatever else (your name speaks volumes here lol) then you more than likely learned alot about women and yourself. This friend of mine faced criticism from other mutual friends about his relationship hopping and several were concerned with his inability to be independent. Well, he took heed of what was said and pressed onward and it worked out. Another friend of mine who is about the same age as you knocked up a whack job at 21. A month after their divorce he met a new girl. Now years later, they have three kids together and are doing great.

Anyways...

If you find yourself questioning these things, I would then try to force yourself to sit with these thoughts. Recognize patterns in your behavior and assess as needed. If your friend is chewing your ear off about it then maybe there is some weight to his words if you trust him but, you likely know yourself well enough as a grown man to come to your own conclusion.

And if there are self doubts? Reflect and challenge them. I personally enjoy being solitary for the most part, but if I were in a healthy relationship I wouldn't throw it away or have second guesses. If the relationships serves you then by all means address your issues as best you can while remaining in said relationship. That's what I would do.

How Do Stoics Deal With Lonliness? - Orion Philosophy

Loneliness is not a new experience, but it is one that seems to be increasing as time goes by, especially with the recent pandemic lockdowns, social media,

www.orionphilosophy.com

Great post and article, wow.
Powerful stuff.

 

[The Duke]

It wasnt always easy for me to be by myself. Over the years it's gotten a lot easier. The things that have helped me the most are my dog and staying busy with hobbies and other interests. I notice I am always on the go when I am single. It keeps the loneliness at bay.

What @BeExcellent said is pretty solid. At the core, you need to be comfortable by yourself. Some may need more discipline and practice to get there.

 

[member162951]

Being the middle child with many siblings, I've been 'by myself' pretty much since the age of 2 when my mom put me in my playpen lol all day to tend to my other more rambunctious siblings. As such, I've become somewhat accustomed to it.

So I can't really relate but just want to say to @Divorced w 3 , reading your post about your childhood and toxic dad who should be in jail, you sound like you're in pain man, and I'm sorry.

Agree with others, to overcome a fear (or discomfort) of being alone is to actually BE alone!

Not sure where that leaves you and your girl but tbh, the way you were talking about 'plate spinning' last week, it didn't sound like she's the one for you anyway.

$.02 and good luck.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I can relate, when I was first separated and divorce was filed, I ran through gals like crazy, every night had something to play with.

I literally felt empty with a women during my time off.

It took about 2 years for me to actually enjoy being alone doing exactly whatever I want. I’m wondered if I’d ever get here and frankly it’s awesome when I do it.

 

[Slag]

I have a 43 year old friend that struggles being alone. He is recently divorced from his wife of 12 years. Even before the divorce was finalized, he was on practically every dating site in existence desperately searching for someone to fill the void. He's had a slew of girlfriends in the past year, but his emotional neediness drives them all away, quite often within a week. He's in sales and spends his workdays on the phone with customers, then spends his evenings on the phone with me, his other friends, or prospective girlfriends. The man simply cannot go any period of time at all without human contact. It's almost pitiful.

I'm the opposite. I live alone and am self employed. I spend the majority of my days working by myself. I was extremely shy when I was younger, and struggled terribly with social interaction. I have made great strides in overcoming my social shortcomings in the recent years, though. I appreciate time spent with close friends and family now more than ever. I also realize what a blessing it is to not need constant human interaction.

I don't really have much advice to give you, op. I was born a solitary individual, I didn't have to work at it. Staying busy is the best way to stave off the loneliness. It's easy for me, since I'm self employed and work from home. I could work around the clock if I wanted. Sometimes I do.

 

[Divorced w 3]

As far as books go, I remembered ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’ as recommended by @stringpuller - good read so far.