In a situation where “No Contact” may not be possible…curious what you all think.

[Stuff17]

Hello, I’m new here and still learning and unplugging.

I dated a girl (20F - 23M) and entered a very bata frame earlier this year for about 4 months.

While dating, I encouraged her to join a group I created. The group was small and needed all the help it could get. It was a mentorship program where we paired volunteer mentors in our community with young kids to improve their live.

After her and I broke up, I had a lot more time on my hands and really devoted myself to the project. The group began making strides, and now it is to the point where I am making it into a 501c3 nonprofit.

I want to remove my ex as her and I exited our relationship very badly and full of toxicity. Based off what I learned in our relationship, I know she would not be a good fit for the program. That said she has made a strong effort towards the program and shows that she really does have passion for it.

Do I remove her from the picture and take this away from her? I have a habit of cutting people out of my life and wanted to see what insights you all may have.

Thanks in advance.

 

[alvinkels]

To you has she made any significant impact and that what she does no one could do??

No contact doesn't mean you don't have to see or talk to that person again even though it is possible some cases, but it all about mindset. I have been in your situation before when I was a teenager she was my sitting partner in class throughout the year but still kept my frame. It is all about mindset nothing physical as far as you can control yourself fine. And moreover I will suggest you keep calm it is a matter of time before she leaves if you handle the situation well. If you kick her out no one will understand your decision and think it is because of the break and you might end up breaking down what you have built because people will start questioning your integrity. Sometimes we think we can't handle certain situations but trust me 100% of the time we can always push through.
Be unbothered by the breakup and your company or whatever you have built because she is also thinking same whether she should stay or leave or you are going kick her out because of the whole break up. Let her walk away don't be part of it. If you are great at manipulation you can speed up the process by making her feel inferior. I am not saying don't give her assignments to do, treat her like any other coworker but drop privileges she enjoyed because something was going between both you then. Just keep calm it will be over soon in less than a month she will find her way out. Women don't like to feel ordinary especially when they know could have been made to feel special

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

How about just conversing with her only on 'business' and not on personal matters?

I'm divorced with two children that I co-parent. I couldn't go NC, no matter how much I wanted, because we have to talk with each other about the kids (just as you have to talk with her about the project). So I had to deal with 6-9 months of outright hostility slowly tapering off to a more neutral expression of dislike without the ability to step away.

Yes, that required a bit more self control, but it can be good training for when you get in my situation. You can cut most toxic people from your life, but you might not be able to cut ALL of them.

 

[Westminster]

How about just conversing with her only on 'business' and not on personal matters?

I'm divorced with two children that I co-parent. I couldn't go NC, no matter how much I wanted, because we have to talk with each other about the kids (just as you have to talk with her about the project). So I had to deal with 6-9 months of outright hostility slowly tapering off to a more neutral expression of dislike without the ability to step away.

Yes, that required a bit more self control, but it can be good training for when you get in my situation. You can cut most toxic people from your life, but you might not be able to cut ALL of them.

That is quite a different situation to the one faced by the OP though - and I'm going to go against the grain because I think I'd remove the ex-girfriend from the group if I were him. Or, to be more accurate, I'd ask her to leave and then remove her if she didn't go.

The OP may be able to navigate the situation more tactfully, but frankly why bother? This is a toxic person he can cut out of his life, probably quite easily and I think, on balance, that's what I would do.

I know this might not be a fashionable stance but it's obviously what the OP wants to do, otherwise he wouldn't have raised this matter. In a way it would be the more 'honest' thing to do. Either way, she would probably kick is arse out without a second thought if that's what she wanted.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I agree, cut them out if you can, but if you can't do that, just limit your conversations to the level of 'co-worker'.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This isn't about you as much as you are trying to make it about you.

It's about the people she is helping. Has she helped people in this program? Take the fact she was your ex out of the picture for a second and ask yourself "would I be removing her otherwise?"

About finding out all kinds of stuff...I mean that may hold some water but if you really went into a deep background check of all the other people helping, you might not have anyone left. Just saying.

You do what you feel you need to, but if you are taking away someone who has been helping people that goes completely against why you started this to begin with and is being down to assuage your own ego.