Girl leaves time of appointment imprecise

[MtmVaott]

Hi,

I plan to make a voluntary university course with a girl (just the two of us, no group). We were assigned to each other, I don't know her. In chat, I didn't introduce myself, neither did she (I knew some basic info from the course coordinator). Instead, I just went straight up to schedule the initial appointment. It won't be a physical meeting but a video call.

We already scheduled the call to time and day. The conversation in the picture ensues the next day. (I put it in the picure to prevent the lurkers from reading and boiled down the chat.)

There is a certain date (as in romantic date) element in the whole picture, since the course aims at getting to know the other person, meeting at recreational places (like the movies, coffeeshop, etc.) is actually encouraged, and it's not unusual that the voluntary course fizzles out into a friendship. Or relationship...

So, at first I thought it's a sh1t test.
Then, I thought she is just disrespectful.
Finally I think she is somewhere between stubborn, disrespectful and disinterested.

I've been close to just tell her it won't work between us and to kick her to the curb.

I know this is nothing serious, but it's bothering me and I want to improve my behaviour regarding such situations and respect myself more.
What is your opinion?

 

[pipeman84]

I plan to make a voluntary university course with a girl (just the two of us, no group). We were assigned to each other, I don't know her.

I've been close to just tell her it won't work between us and to kick her to the curb.

What won't work? You're two students who don't know each other assigned to a course, yet you're acting as if you matched on Tinder.

 

[MtmVaott]

What won't work? You're two students who don't know each other assigned to a course, yet you're acting as if you matched on Tinder.

I asked myself if working with her will bear fruits, i.e. if I will get something out of it. I don't do it because I have to, and if I'm already angered by her, if she's disrespectful and out of some reason isn't committed in improving in the skill we will practice in the 1:1 sessions, I can as well drop it.
But yeah, her behaviour really reminded me of previous girls in the dating context, actually disrespect at work as well, and I'm full of letting myself get treated like I was by these previous girls... I might be overreacting.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I might be overreacting.

You can remove 'might'.
You are overreacting.
These type of assignments are random assigned or sometimes with the express reason of putting different students together so they can learn to overcome their personal bias and learn how to work together with people who are totally different from them. This experience will help you in your future (work) relationships.

 

[MtmVaott]

You can remove 'might'.
You are overreacting.
These type of assignments are random assigned or sometimes with the express reason of putting different students together so they can learn to overcome their personal bias and learn how to work together with people who are totally different from them. This experience will help you in your future (work) relationships.

I agree with almost everything you are saying, I guess you refer as well to interdisciplinary working teams. I had such an experience recently, it was quite hard tbh. Technical and business students in one team - I definitely learned a lot what I should NOT do at a real job.
However, this course is different, we were assigned on purpose and by fit, and if it won't work out, we can tell the instructor and may wait until we get a new partner assigned.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I agree with almost everything you are saying, I guess you refer as well to interdisciplinary working teams. I had such an experience recently, it was quite hard tbh. Technical and business students in one team - I definitely learned a lot what I should NOT do at a real job.
However, this course is different, we were assigned on purpose and by fit, and if it won't work out, we can tell the instructor and may wait until we get a new partner assigned.

I would say, show your maturity to compromise and find a middle ground with this partner. And don't view her as a girl or girl partner, but just non-gender. In the workplace you might get assigned an assistant (or you become an assistant) and you will have to compromise in that situation. Better to practice that now than when your job is on the line.

 

[bat soup]

Maybe she'll be fat and ugly with green hair and bad breath. I wouldn't get too excited just yet.

 

[MtmVaott]

I would say, show your maturity to compromise and find a middle ground with this partner. And don't view her as a girl or girl partner, but just non-gender. In the workplace you might get assigned an assistant (or you become an assistant) and you will have to compromise in that situation. Better to practice that now than when your job is on the line.

Right, but in the end I achieved the middle ground by staying firm. It was her who wanted to be in the power position and get her will to 100%.
Also I think it's super disrespectful if you ask a total stranger to be somewhere at a certain time, and then expect them to wait 1 (one!) hour in the worst case. You wouldn't treat anyone in the business environment like that.

By opening this thread I wanted to get an opinion on what I could have done to prevent that level of confrontation in advance or during the confronation, but achieving the same end result (the compromise that she finally offered).

I already noticed that I didn't properly introduce myself and that the first few standard 'getting to know each other' sentences could have smoothed the ensueing interactions.

-----------------------------------------------

We've met now, during the meeting we had another conflict. She stated what she wanted and why. After that I dithered a bit, then I told her point blank what I want and followed up with a compromise.
I'm really content how it went, and I had the impression I put her to a place of mutual respect.
I think the reason for her disrespect is that she is a female technical student and good looking, and those get worshipped by the crowd of men in their academic year.

 

[MtmVaott]

I would say, show your maturity to compromise and find a middle ground with this partner. And don't view her as a girl or girl partner, but just non-gender. In the workplace you might get assigned an assistant (or you become an assistant) and you will have to compromise in that situation. Better to practice that now than when your job is on the line.

Do you have any tips on how to actually do that?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Do you have any tips on how to actually do that?

I do. Start by not making assumptions:

I think the reason for her disrespect is that she is a female technical student and good looking, and those get worshipped by the crowd of men in their academic year.

If you think she's disrespecting you and you want to know the reason why, start a conversation with her about boundaries so you can find out how she experiences being a good-looking female technical student.
To become a good conversationalist, you need to be able to keep her talking by using active listening techniques.

 

[MtmVaott]

I do. Start by not making assumptions:

If you think she's disrespecting you and you want to know the reason why, start a conversation with her about boundaries so you can find out how she experiences being a good-looking female technical student.
To become a good conversationalist, you need to be able to keep her talking by using active listening techniques.

I don't know what you are trying to say and how it would benefit me in this particular situation. Could you please explain a bit more?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I don't know what you are trying to say and how it would benefit me in this particular situation. Could you please explain a bit more?

What is it that you don't understand?

 

[MtmVaott]

Stopped reading. Are you gonna talk with her about DNA? Chemistry? Biology? What a fvcking nerd stuff to do with any woman and boring "date". Take her to do something fun, don't be the boring nerd.

You'd be surprised about girls that are into that stuff. But I'm not very interested in science, and this 'course' is not a class. You can read on.

 

[MtmVaott]

What is it that you don't understand?

What do you mean when you say 'start a conversation about boundaries'? Like "I noticed you were comfortable to let me wait for 1 hour, is that something you do often?" or (which I would prefer) if a new conflict emerges, I just make a comment on both of us being very much into argueing and negotiating. Or would you be as bold as to literally ask her how it is as a woman in a technical study subject?

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

You're getting college credit for this? what in the actual fack?

Jesus and we wonder why there's degree inflation...

Post the Green Sheet - whats the actual assignment in the teachers words?

Also bro whats in it for you is a facking grade. She isn't into you and never was.

 

[MtmVaott]

You're getting college credit for this? what in the actual fack?

Jesus and we wonder why there's degree inflation...

Post the Green Sheet - whats the actual assignment in the teachers words?

Also bro whats in it for you is a facking grade. She isn't into you and never was.

I can assure you that you will understand with more information. I'll PM you.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Or would you be as bold as to literally ask her how it is as a woman in a technical study subject?

Why would that be 'bold'?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You'd be surprised about girls that are into that stuff. But I'm not very interested in science, and this 'course' is not a class. You can read on.

There isn't anything to read on about, this woman isn't interested except in your own mind.

 

[MtmVaott]

There isn't anything to read on about, this woman isn't interested except in your own mind.

How do you know that I think she is interested?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

How do you know that I think she is interested?

Clearly you would like her to be or you wouldn't be writing about her.