Don't feel rejected by rejections.

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Many guys see rejections as this awful adversity you have to conquer / deal with / steel yourself against.

They're wrong.

When a woman rejects you, she's giving you valuable information about yourself and your approach. Just because you're attracted to her enough to approach her, doesn't mean she is attracted to you. Even when you see signals indicating mutual attraction, you can still get rejected on traits that weren't visible from a distance.

Receive a rejection like you'd receive negative feedback. The more information you receive, the better the rejection will help you to improve on yourself by pointing out your unattractive qualities.

Many women will not reject directly, they will use the "I Have A Boyfriend" excuse or something similar. This is not because they secretly want you to challenge that*, but because they know from experience is that many guys do not handle rejection very well. There's a saying, "men fear ridicule, women fear violence". There are enough examples of irate rejected men who feel 'honour bound' to punish the woman rejecting them by beating up the woman / throwing acid / outright murdering her for the audacity to refuse them. If a woman actually rejects you directly she either trusts you not do anything stupid or she's armed and prepared to violently protect herself.

If you bolster up your fragile ego to the point where you can learn from rejections how to improve yourself and the way you approach women, you will find that the rejections will slack off because you become more attuned to both yourself and the woman you're conversing with.
I can't remember the last time a woman rejected me. Not because I'm such a great catch, but I learned from rejections and conversations with women how to be charming without being creepy and being sexual without the thirst that strikes so many men. And how to recognise when a woman is a bad match; when to escalate; how to show my trustworthiness and discretion; and how to make women feel safe and comfortable in my presence.

TLR:
Take rejection as feedback that can help you improve to the point where rejection becomes less frequent / disappears completely.

For those who follow for the clickbait:


* Personally, I often respond to IHAB by laughing and telling her I'm not anywhere close to relationship material, but I understand she's not interested so I will lavish my attention on other women. Weirdly, that seems to make me more interesting...

 

[NealIRC]

Sounds like good advice to give to women. Don't worry about rejection...

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Sounds like good advice to give to women. Don't worry about rejection...

Women worry about rejecting guys, and they have legitimate reason to.

 

[NealIRC]

Women worry about rejecting guys, and they have legitimate reason to.

I meant "Sounds like good advice to give to women. Don't worry about rejection from guys."

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I meant "Sounds like good advice to give to women. Don't worry about rejection from guys."

You seem to have some reading comprehension.

I wrote:

Many women will not reject directly (snip) because they know from experience is that many guys do not handle rejection very well. There's a saying, "men fear ridicule, women fear violence". There are enough examples of irate rejected men who feel 'honour bound' to punish the woman rejecting them by beating up the woman / throwing acid / outright murdering her for the audacity to refuse them. If a woman actually rejects you directly she either trusts you not do anything stupid or she's armed and prepared to violently protect herself.

Women have to worry about rejecting guys. Many guys cannot handle rejection and become violent towards women for rejecting them, regardless whether the reason is legitimate.

Telling women to stop worrying how a rejection affects a guy is actually bad advice.

Men have to grow some thicker skin and take rejection in stride so that women no longer have to fear getting acid thrown in their faces because of some guy's fragile ego.

 

[NealIRC]

You seem to have some reading comprehension.

I wrote:


Women have to worry about rejecting guys. Many guys cannot handle rejection and become violent towards women for rejecting them, regardless whether the reason is legitimate.

Telling women to stop worrying how a rejection affects a guy is actually bad advice.

Men have to grow some thicker skin and take rejection in stride so that women no longer have to fear getting acid thrown in their faces because of some guy's fragile ego.

So this is about relationships and marriages, not pick-up artistry.

 

[Robert28]

Women worry about rejecting guys, and they have legitimate reason to.

Lol no they don’t have good reason to worry. It’s a made up fear to deflect from their not wanting to ask men out. If women rejected 100 guys MAYBE one out that 100 might…..might get violent or say something derogatory. 99% of the time men are like “oh, cool, well have a good one”. Even if it is a woman that doesn’t reject right away and goes on a few dates with a guy leading him on when she knows she doesn’t like him, the guy still doesn’t get violent. Might get a little bothered that she wasted his time but that’s about it. You’ve bought into this lie that women created about how they’re afraid to reject men because of violence they saw on tv or heard about but never experienced.

 

[CornbreadFed]

I generally agree most of your posts, but I do not with this post. First and foremost, guys need to accept that they can’t attract every girl. The second point is that there can be a million different reasons on why a woman isn’t attracted to you. Furthermore, some can be non physical related not entirely your fault. The most common two reasons are that she is not emotionally available or you are not her type. Given these two reasons alone, how does her feedback benefit you? It really doesn't tbh, it might make you even more upset. You are better off just telling her have a nice day and moving forward.

For example, you are talking to this girl, but you do not know that she has this guy that's her idea type on her number one spot that she is waiting to show a sign of commitment. Eventually he does, and she tells you that things aren't going to work out because she doesn't feel a spark and you dig deeper to find out there's another guy. Digging deeper, lets say you actually know this guy and you know for a fact that you make more money than him, physically more attractive than him, and etc. However, it is because he reminds her of her ex BF and she gets the butterflies with him. How does this help you improve your game?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Lol no they don’t have good reason to worry. It’s a made up fear to deflect from their not wanting to ask men out. If women rejected 100 guys MAYBE one out that 100 might…..might get violent or say something derogatory. 99% of the time men are like “oh, cool, well have a good one”. Even if it is a woman that doesn’t reject right away and goes on a few dates with a guy leading him on when she knows she doesn’t like him, the guy still doesn’t get violent. Might get a little bothered that she wasted his time but that’s about it. You’ve bought into this lie that women created about how they’re afraid to reject men because of violence they saw on tv or heard about but never experienced.

I don't want to burst your bubble, but I'm a C-PTSD counsellor, helping men and women to overcome the crippling Disorder part of their accumulated trauma. I have firsthand experience of being stalked by deluded exes. I've heard the rants left on the voicemails of my clients. I've seen police evidence of abuse and trauma from several cases and spoken to hundreds of women.

You. Have. No. Idea.

Please keep your deluded assessments and theories and faux-psychological conclusions from this discussion.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I generally agree most of your posts, but I do not with this post. First and foremost, guys need to accept that they can’t attract every girl. The second point is that there can be a million different reasons on why a woman isn’t attracted to you. Furthermore, some can be non physical related not entirely your fault. The most common two reasons are that she is not emotionally available or you are not her type. Given these two reasons alone, how does her feedback benefit you? It really doesn't tbh, it might make you even more upset. You are better off just telling her have a nice day and moving forward.

Socially uncalibrated people will approach women without knowing whether these women are (emotionally) available to them or whether they are even interested in their type. Part of getting calibrated is to master the subtle nuances between a woman just looking you over or a woman expressing an interest.
Although I wouldn't go so far to say that all rejections contain useable information, in order to become socially calibrated it is important to understand why you failed, not just that you failed.
Learning critical points about yourself should not be making you more upset but should become building blocks in improving yourself.

However, judging by your last sentence: "You are better off just telling her have a nice day and moving forward", I gather that you think you should ask a woman who just rejected why she rejected you. And that is not what I'm saying. You should gather as much information as you can, but you don't need to become an investigative journalist. Asking a woman why she rejects you is socially uncalibrated. You should indeed just go. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't at least try to figure out how much her rejection can help you improve yourself.

For instance, I found a girl who seemed to have expressed interest suddenly cold to me when I got closer. A girlfriend told me that she'd been embarrassed -- she was nearsighted and was testing out new contact lenses and she had confused me with one of her friends, only to realise when I came closer that I was a stranger. So, it wasn't about me being rejected, it was just that I wasn't who she thought I was at a distance.
Funny enough, I used it later on a woman who squinted at me, telling her that I could come closer so she wouldn't need to wear her glasses.

For example, you are talking to this girl, but you do not know that she has this guy that's her idea type on her number one spot that she is waiting to show a sign of commitment. Eventually he does, and she tells you that things aren't going to work out because she doesn't feel a spark and you dig deeper to find out there's another guy. Digging deeper, lets say you actually know this guy and you know for a fact that you make more money than him, physically more attractive than him, and etc. However, it is because he reminds her of her ex BF and she gets the butterflies with him. How does this help you improve your game?

Well, that is a pretty specific case, but I'll use it.

If a man becomes more socially calibrated, he will notice if a woman is only talking with You-person (the male in your example) to get validation. The other male person in your example 'eventually' commits to the girl, she has been waiting for him to show a sign of commitment. So, if this You-person has been dating this girl and she hasn't become intimate yet, that is a sign that she's not interested in getting romantic with You-person.

What you are describing in your example is not an approach. You-person in your example is an Orbiter, waiting for the girl to decide on whether she's ready for intimacy while she's just killing time.

So what can You-person learn from this example?
If a woman doesn't desire you, she won't want to become intimate. A woman who avoids intimacy during dating is not interested in you.

 

[BadBoy89]

When a woman rejects you, she's giving you valuable information about yourself and your approach. Just because you're attracted to her enough to approach her, doesn't mean she is attracted to you. Even when you see signals indicating mutual attraction, you can still get rejected on traits that weren't visible from a distance.

Receive a rejection like you'd receive negative feedback. The more information you receive, the better the rejection will help you to improve on yourself by pointing out your unattractive qualities.

OK fair enough.

What if the man is not tall and doesn't have much hair, and the information you get is she "only likes guys who are at least 6'1 with thick black hair slicked back."

How can a man improve himself there?

Many women will not reject directly, they will use the "I Have A Boyfriend" excuse or something similar. This is not because they secretly want you to challenge that*, but because they know from experience is that many guys do not handle rejection very well. There's a saying, "men fear ridicule, women fear violence". There are enough examples of irate rejected men who feel 'honour bound' to punish the woman rejecting them by beating up the woman / throwing acid / outright murdering her for the audacity to refuse them. If a woman actually rejects you directly she either trusts you not do anything stupid or she's armed and prepared to violently protect herself.

Generally agree.

Would say it's not in her benefit not to reject a man directly, they don't like directness, they don't like making "yes" and "no" decisons.

I can't remember the last time a woman rejected me. Not because I'm such a great catch, but I learned from rejections and conversations with women how to be charming without being creepy and being sexual without the thirst that strikes so many men. And how to recognise when a woman is a bad match; when to escalate; how to show my trustworthiness and discretion; and how to make women feel safe and comfortable in my presence.

A woman can be comfortable with the man and not be attracted to him. In fact, that's probably why she is comfortable, she knows there is no chance of giving him sex.

I don't think it's about men being creepy or sexual or not knowing how to act with women. I think its about the age of the woman, her youth and her fertility. Take a 24-year-old guy with not much experience, he would be really really nervous talking to a 27-year-old woman. Take the same 24 year old guy and have him talk to a 47 year old woman. He would be as smooth as James Bond.

A man's nervousness depends on his audience.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

What if the man is not tall and doesn't have much hair, and the information you get is she "only likes guys who are at least 6'1 with thick black hair slicked back."

I have a bald head, because male pattern baldness struck me when I was around 25 and I preferred to shave my head instead of acts of desperation to cling to the last vestiges of my hair.

If I approach a woman who rejects me because she 'desires guys with long hair', I know it's probably something else that is bothering her. Why? Because I don't hid my baldness. Even if I wear my cap, it's still quite obvious that I don't have heavy metal hair hidden in my headgear.
Since that is so incredibly obvious, her reason for displaying interest and then coming up with a lame excuse to reject me means she is inexperienced at rejecting men, but she's trying to 'let me down easy' by mentioning a criteria that is impossible for me to change.

As to the short balding man in your example:
I don't get rejections for being bald, because I'm not hiding my baldness. Only a blind woman would miss my baldness (and I dated a blind woman, she actually loved kissing my bald head).
If this man is short and bald and not hiding that, women who are only interested in tall guys with a full head of hair would not be giving him indications of being interested/attracted to him.
So either he's not able to determine whether a woman is interested/attracted and approach the wrong women. In which case she's not a good match.
Or she's mentally disabled and just throwing indications of attraction at just any male in order to get them closer so she can reject them. In which case she is not a good catch.

Either way, you should be grateful she is honest enough to verbalise her rejection, because she could also do much worse by stringing your short bald friend along and pump his wallet empty, seeing how clueless he is about women.

Would say it's not in her benefit not to reject a man directly, they don't like directness, they don't like making "yes" and "no" decisons.

You're not wrong about that. And that could be a contributing factor - why direct when you can do so indirect and avoid the rejected person not taking it well? - but the proliferation of acid attacks even in Western Europe (they were prevalent already outside Europe) does contribute to their fear of violence.

A woman can be comfortable with the man and not be attracted to him. In fact, that's probably why she is comfortable, she knows there is no chance of giving him sex.

"Giving him sex."
That is a scarcity mindset.
Women are not the gatekeepers of sex, that is an illusion of the mind.

Women are comfortable around me because they know they can trust me to respect their boundaries. Not because they don't see me in a sexual way. Most of them are interested, but they already know that I'm not looking for more girlfriends. They cannot 'give' me something I already have in abundance.

I don't think it's about men being creepy or sexual or not knowing how to act with women.

From the moment a girl starts developing breasts (and sometimes even before), she will get harassed by creeps and freaks. That may sound like an exaggeration, but I actually talk to a lot of women (and troubled teens) and virtually every woman can tell you stories of inappropriate male behaviour and beyond.
My own daughter (who is barely thirteen) was recently followed by a tourist (who looked about thirty) who tried to get her on a coffee date and the creep even followed her to the local playground to chat her up while she was on the swings. While he knew enough English to ask her on a date, he didn't speak enough to understand 'I'm thirteen, I'm a minor, please go away.'
The problem with this kind of insidious harassment is that the victims develop what I call the Creep/Freak Filter. Whenever a woman is approached by a man, any man, the first filter applied is this filter: “Is this a Creep or a Freak?”
Women have learned to distrust men, and for good reason. So if girls don’t want talk to you or give you dirty looks ‘for no reason’, count on the Creep/Freak Filter being activated.

 

[The Duke]

My lord, @AmsterdamAssassin drops some good info for guys trying to learn and it gets picked apart and turns into a big analytical debate.

I swear I don't know how some of you ever get laid.

 

[Robert28]

I don't want to burst your bubble, but I'm a C-PTSD counsellor, helping men and women to overcome the crippling Disorder part of their accumulated trauma. I have firsthand experience of being stalked by deluded exes. I've heard the rants left on the voicemails of my clients. I've seen police evidence of abuse and trauma from several cases and spoken to hundreds of women.

You. Have. No. Idea.

Please keep your deluded assessments and theories and faux-psychological conclusions from this discussion.

You can’t keep your topic straight can you. You went from “men are violent when they get rejected, women are all afraid!” to talking about exes who stalk. We are talking about women rejecting a man initially after approach or after a date or 3. We aren’t talking about relationships, those are a whole different thing. Women claim they are afraid to reject men and be honest about it, I say it’s all in their head because it is.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

So this is about relationships and marriages, not pick-up artistry.

Your reading comprehension is seriously flawed, but I'm not going to argue with you anymore.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

You can’t keep your topic straight can you.

I'm talking about rejection.
And how women tend to be indirect because they are often afraid to be direct and risk umbrage, but how you should try to see rejection as feedback that guide you to improve yourself.

YOU are the one who cannot keep to the topic but your immature coping mechanism tries to blame women for acting preposterous, for being disingenuous about fearing violence from men. Tsss, these dramatic women, when in reality most men are perfect gentlemen who wouldn't dream of punishing women for perceived slights to their ego/honour.

I tried to give you an inkling how I know what I know, but you don't trust my experience.
So, just ignore this thread.
I'm done arguing with fools.

 

[Fortune_favors_the_bold]

I really enjoyed reading this thread, the topic is interesting and often over looked while OP is non stop entertainment in his arguing with someone is any thread he takes part.

Now regarding rejection I would say that it's not rejection itself the problem altought it's not pleasant for anyone, the problem are the conseguences of the rejection.

If a man is at a bar and approaches a woman and she laugh about it, makes fun of him and even mock his words while there are chances for him to become hostile, in most of the cases it wont be an issue.

The issues arise when a woman reject a man ridiculing him in public, making fun of him in his environment of nearby people he knows or other potential mates...an example could be an house party or the school garden.
Then there is the work field, HR complaints and so on which I'm sure there is not need to repeat.

Men so sensitive to turn emotional over a rejection are a minority and have much more serious issues than dating.

Most men nowadays are cutting off on approaches or attempt not out of sensitivity but out of the social conseguences of a failed attempt or an esteem based on previous ones.

While OP is right in the fact that rejection may help a man to better calibrate his actions, in some cases too many rejections especially on young guys if not interrupted from some success here and there could push such guy to drop it all together which is what happening with the average man nowadays.

 

[Robert28]

I'm talking about rejection.
And how women tend to be indirect because they are often afraid to be direct and risk umbrage, but how you should try to see rejection as feedback that guide you to improve yourself.

YOU are the one who cannot keep to the topic but your immature coping mechanism tries to blame women for acting preposterous, for being disingenuous about fearing violence from men. Tsss, these dramatic women, when in reality most men are perfect gentlemen who wouldn't dream of punishing women for perceived slights to their ego/honour.

I tried to give you an inkling how I know what I know, but you don't trust my experience.
So, just ignore this thread.
I'm done arguing with fools.

A fool is someone who would take the time to believe all this garbage you’re spewing.

 

[Robert28]

I really enjoyed reading this thread, the topic is interesting and often over looked while OP is non stop entertainment in his arguing with someone is any thread he takes part.

Now regarding rejection I would say that it's not rejection itself the problem altought it's not pleasant for anyone, the problem are the conseguences of the rejection.

If a man is at a bar and approaches a woman and she laugh about it, makes fun of him and even mock his words while there are chances for him to become hostile, in most of the cases it wont be an issue.

The issues arise when a woman reject a man ridiculing him in public, making fun of him in his environment of nearby people he knows or other potential mates...an example could be an house party or the school garden.
Then there is the work field, HR complaints and so on which I'm sure there is not need to repeat.

Men so sensitive to turn emotional over a rejection are a minority and have much more serious issues than dating.

Most men nowadays are cutting off on approaches or attempt not out of sensitivity but out of the social conseguences of a failed attempt or an esteem based on previous ones.

While OP is right in the fact that rejection may help a man to better calibrate his actions, in some cases too many rejections especially on young guys if not interrupted from some success here and there could push such guy to drop it all together which is what happening with the average man nowadays.

I agree, well said. Approaches are at an all time low these days, there’s tons of videos about women complaining about it. I think there’s a larger issue than women are afraid of turning men down because men aren’t even approaching these days. Nobody wants to end up on TikTok or Facebook or whatever.

 

[Fortune_favors_the_bold]

I agree, well said. Approaches are at an all time low these days, there’s tons of videos about women complaining about it. I think there’s a larger issue than women are afraid of turning men down because men aren’t even approaching these days. Nobody wants to end up on TikTok or Facebook or whatever.

That brings the problem to a whole new level where basically even guys not attempting an approach risk to get doxxed and ridiculed online cause they made the mistake of taking more that a couple of seconds to look in a certain direction.

We actually reached the point where many men on purpose avoid looking in a certain direction at a the gym or avoid any social interaction if they feel that something could go wrong.

There was a clip from a gym where a girl was stuck under the squat bar asking for help and no men nearby noticed it, she had to wait a couple of minutes till an other woman passed.

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