Recently swallowed red pill / intense ex / children / lost and confused

[captaincactus210]

Hi, so I’m at a crossroad in my life. 8 months ago, I split up with my ex after a 6 year relationship. She has 2 children, their biological father is an abusive monster in too many ways. I took the children on as my own, I am committed to them and have raised them almost every day for the past 6 years. Within these 6 years it's been a rollercoaster of dealing with life and all its challenges, whilst trying to maintain a LTR and raise challenging traumatised kids that arent my own. I have a close relationship with the children, I Don't want to lose them. Unfortunately my ex uses them as emotional tools to push me into a corner every time something isn't on her terms. She comes in the disguise of doing best by the children but I'm not fooling for it anymore, she is a highly narcissistic control freak that must be the centre of attention in any situation. She is highly manipulative in the most covert ways, extremely calculated and deep down pretty twisted and troubled. On the surface is very attractive, everyone looks at her, everyone loves her kinda person. I'm at the point now where I feel as if I need to be as far away from her as possible because her claws have been so deep inside me I've not even noticed, only now am I starting to see things for how they are.


Since we split up I have carried on living with the ex and the children in an attempt to wait for the right time to leave, to phase out of this routine and into another, with the minimum amount of harm to the children as possible. We have been trying a 50/50 arrangement with the kids. This situation has now become unbearable, Im ****ing miserable, Im not myself, the ex makes my toes curl, Im short with the kids, the ex pushes me into a corner whenever I try to raise something, she is a control freak, she is clever, and is impossible to work with unless its on her terms. Most of our relationship I was in a beta frame and a complete sucker for her. However, life has been complicated for her with the kids real dad and I have been trying to help by sticking around until it's the right time for me to leave. I fear there will be no right time, the ex changes her plan all the time due to her chaotic life. I feel that one day she's going to turn around with her plan at the last minute and I'm going to be left to deal with everything. Finances and assets are messy but she's had complete control over it since the beginning and come the time to leave, nothing will be mine, she is clever she has planned it this way and I just feel like I'm being used for the kids until she doesn't need me anymore.

Basically I've had enough, I'm not going to wait for the right time. In my time off I've been out, I'm spinning plates, cold approaching, getting numbers, went all the way with one just last weekend. Reading, learning, growing, hungry for success. Making huge changes and climbing all the way. This situation is severely hindering my growth, this is huge success for me but I only wonder what heights I will reach when I am free from this toxic poison. Of course she blames it'll on me, everything is my fault, Ive only ever wanted the best and so far have submitted to almost everything. I'm 31 and I've been beta all my life, troubled childhood, bullied blah blah and now pushed around by an ex that I feel I can do nothing about out of fear of hurting the children. Im literally ready to take off , 2 lays in 2 weeks, plates spinning I want more more more! I know I'm hurting the children more by not being myself when I am with them and resenting them and the situation but its all because of the friction between myself and the ex. I know this can't go on anymore.

I'm planning to leave by the end of this week, I can't wait for the right time anymore. Am I doing the right thing? I know it's going to be difficult, I know she will up the emotional manipulation, she will take the car, the house, I'll have nothing left, I will have to let it all go as she plays the “you're not going to leave a single mum with nothing” card and start from scratch, I am ok with this. My biggest fear is hurting the children, I've promised them I will always be here for them. I plan to set myself up somewhere asap, and have them over as much as I can, the change is going to be soooo hard and Im scared ****less, Im scared she will stop me seeing them altogether, Im scared I truly will loose everything. But I’m thinking I’d rather lose it all and get out of her net rather than be trapped in it and still have a relationship with the kids. I don't think she will stop it altogether because I have a very deep bond with them and she will struggle on her own as she likes her own time. I guess from here, I'm still going to be under her control but at least it will be from a distance, I can put boundaries up, there can be a set routine with the kids etc. This is my ideal, but I know this world is far from ideal.

Looking at any positives, I am in shape, my game is getting good, I am seeing success in many areas of my life outside of this mess. My biggest fear is letting the children down like my Dad did to me. I want to break the cycle, be a good Dad and be there for them. But I’m absolutely useless to them all the time I’m still attached to their Mum. Resent grows every day, it's making me ill. Am I doing the right thing?

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, sorry it's a little long but I wanted to paint the picture as best I can. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

Are the children old enough to understand if you explained things to them?

 

[Bigpapa]

Looking at any positives, I am in shape, my game is getting good, I am seeing success in many areas of my life outside of this mess. My biggest fear is letting the children down like my Dad did to me. I want to break the cycle, be a good Dad and be there for them. But I’m absolutely useless to them all the time I’m still attached to their Mum. Resent grows every day, it's making me ill. Am I doing the right thing?

Unless you can not have your own children, in all fairness it does not make too much sense to raise the children of another man . It is not natural and I think that you should explore why you feel that you should be their father

I understand that you are a kind man and want to do right to the children…but it is really not your fault that the situation is how it is

I think that you should go and find a girl and do your own children if you can, and try to be more like an uncle to your ex children. Help them if you can with small things , be a mentor to them, etc but do not try to actual be a father to them. Let nature take its course

In regards to your ex, she sensed that you are a good guy and used that against you. That is the thing with altruistic people, they are taken for a ride by the selfish ones

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Looking at any positives, I am in shape, my game is getting good, I am seeing success in many areas of my life outside of this mess. My biggest fear is letting the children down like my Dad did to me. I want to break the cycle, be a good Dad and be there for them. But I’m absolutely useless to them all the time I’m still attached to their Mum.

You need to realize it is not your kids, it never will be. Its hers and she has the full control and as such it is not your responsibility.
While you might have a good relationship connection with them it is fine.

You can try and maintain it, but on the flipside you have all the red flags of the law can force you to pay for them for a very long time.

The power of walking way should never be ignored in this case you better walk away.

Start your own life, date some cute chicks without kids. You are entering your prime years (30-45ish) as a male and should not bother your time and resources with single moms.

Now is the time to set things in motion and spin some plate with girls, hopefully also find one of those girls that you might consider starting a family with if you want that which I kind of think you do.

 

[The Duke]

Just think how rotten those kids will be when they are teenagers from crazy dysfunctional parents. Just let them know you are there for them. Check on them from time to time, but you need to move on.

Those kids will cause you issues with any new woman you ever get serious with.

 

[soulforge]

Dump your ex immediately.

Dump the kids immediately.. sorry man we need to drop this fvking delusion of you raising Tyron's children.

They ain't your blood/DNA so fukin drop this entire situation an WALK the hell away

She is a CVNT and the kids ain't yours and will completely forget who the hell you are when Uncle Tryone moves in after you.

Drop this entire situation without guilt/remorse and save Your fukin life.

Moving forward don't be such a beta captain save a hoe

 

[captaincactus210]

Are the children old enough to understand if you explained things to them?

Maybe they will eventually, I think they will be too upset to process it initially. I guess time will tell. I’m certain there’s going to be no right time, it’s going to be difficult and I just need to get on with it

 

[captaincactus210]

Dump your ex immediately.

Dump the kids immediately.. sorry man we need to drop this fvking delusion of you raising Tyron's children.

They ain't your blood/DNA so fukin drop this entire situation an WALK the hell away

She is a CVNT and the kids ain't yours and will completely forget who the hell you are when Uncle Tryone moves in after you.

Drop this entire situation without guilt/remorse and save Your fukin life.

Moving forward don't be such a beta captain save a hoe

 

[captaincactus210]

Ha yeah I’ll take the beta captain save a hoe choked on the red pill when I swallowed it, it’s nearly dissolved and now I’m here, at the cross roads about to take the jump. All the same though it doesn’t make it easy

 

[captaincactus210]

Just think how rotten those kids will be when they are teenagers from crazy dysfunctional parents. Just let them know you are there for them. Check on them from time to time, but you need to move on.

Those kids will cause you issues with any new woman you ever get serious with.

These are some fundamental truths right here, the sorta **** you already know but must be reminded of, thanks for your input.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

Maybe they will eventually, I think they will be too upset to process it initially. I guess time will tell. I’m certain there’s going to be no right time, it’s going to be difficult and I just need to get on with it

IMO man, this is the route.

All you need is the eventually. A simple explanation to them in a manner that will just say if you need me for anything, I’m a phone call away. Anything else seems like the cutthroat mayflower I’m imagining you’re trying to avoid.

 

[BadBoy89]

I never understand men who are stepfathers, There is NO PRIDE is raising anyone‘s kids that are not your own. They have to be your own.

The only way I do something is if I had like 5-6 kids, a big house, and was rich with maids and stuff. THEN I would probably adopt a small Chinese girl from overseas or something.

But another a man‘s kids? I can’t even have lunch with a woman who has 2 kids, and you guys are doing full blown relationships, To each his own I guess.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

You're thirty-one, why are you playing house? You can shack up with a woman with other men's kids when you're in your fifties, if that is your fetish.

 

[SW15]

Dump your ex immediately.

Dump the kids immediately.. sorry man we need to drop this fvking delusion of you raising Tyron's children.

They ain't your blood/DNA so fukin drop this entire situation an WALK the hell away

Drop this entire situation without guilt/remorse and save Your fukin life.

Moving forward don't be such a beta captain save a hoe

This is the exact course of action that @captaincactus210 needs to follow. No contact, move forward.

I never understand men who are stepfathers, There is NO PRIDE is raising anyone‘s kids that are not your own. They have to be your own.

another man‘s kids? I can’t even have lunch with a woman who has 2 kids, and you guys are doing full blown relationships, To each his own I guess.

I don't understand it either. I have zero interest in being a stepfather. At my age, there are more and more women in my theoretical dating pool that are single moms. In reality, I rarely ever interact with single moms because I don't tend to go places where single moms tend to be. I approach childless women and I enjoy that. I don't have social lunches with single moms. I could have casual sex with a single mom if I didn't have to make any effort to get that sex. However, that's not very realistic. It actually takes effort to seduce a single mom in starting something new. I prefer to make efforts for sex with childless women.

I've never had single moms try to seduce me and try to get me to be their beta bucks. Perhaps that's because I don't have a social circle with any single moms. I would have thought that some single moms would have expressed some interest in me as a beta bucks.

Cuckoldry is real. Raising another man's kids is a form of cuckoldry. I've observed cases of childless men in their 30s and 40s doing full blown relationships with single moms. Sometimes, childless men in their 30s will start a relationship with a similarly aged single mom and then have 1-2 kids of their own with the single mom. There are even childless men in their 40s who end up settling for some similarly aged single mom in her 40s who isn't going to get pregnant. What's the point of that? To me, that's extreme cuck behavior and a sign of a low value man.

Men are doing full blown relationships with single moms because of excessive male thirst. There are a ton of thirsty men out there who aren't getting laid.

Some of the men having sex with single moms are single dads themselves. That's more understandable. In LTRs, blending families is often messy. A newer trend that has become more prevalent in the last 10-20 years is 50+ Boomers and Gen X'ers with children 18+ getting together with each other. For the adult children of these Boomers and Gen X'ers, that's an uncomfortable and forced situation.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

@captaincactus210 here some things to consider:

--AND--

--AND--

Like @soulforgesaid; dont be a captain save a hoe.

Dump her ASAP, dump her kids and move on with your life and never date single moms again.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Sounds like my ex wife. I moved to a different town and I am not interested in being connected to my former town or with her socially any more than necessary to parent my children.

with all respect, if those kids aren’t yours, cut ties and be on your way.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I dated a few single moms before I became a father myself. Except for one woman, who had been widowed, the single moms all tried to get me to care about their children. The widow knew I cared about her kids (and they adored me) and she tried to get me to leave my polyamorous lifestyle and become her husband (I didn't like her methods, so I declined and broke off the relationship).

Since my divorce, I don't allow any woman to 'mother' my kids, nor do I 'father' any of their kids.

If you cannot stay detached from a single mom's offspring, don't date single moms.

 

[Hal9000]

I realize this is easier to say than do, but sometimes it's best to cut your losses and move on. Consider yourself fortunate you didn't have kids with this nut and aren't therefore required to interact with her beyond your move out date. Her kids are hers, so get busy living or get busy dying.